When you like someone who is taken...

[EasyHeart]

I say "Go get him (or her)".

 

I used to believe that other guys' girls were off-limits until I realized that lots of guys would chase after my girlfriends. If I set up all these "rules" that other guys didn't follow, I was just being a sap. So I figure everyone is fair game; it's their choice as to whether they're interested in me.

[Jane2011]

A regular friendship has nothing to do with a side piece. Side pieces are treated well and the man can like them a lot. If he is with her and you come in the picture this makes you a side piece. No amount of rationalization or analogy will change that.

 

That's fine. I'm really not even concerned with the whole "side piece" thing anyway. But your point is taken.

[somedude81]

It's not a typical thing for me to like a taken guy. It sort of happened by accident, if you read my previous posts. He was available when I got together with him. Even when I called him to reconnect, I assumed he was available. Not unattached, but available.

 

But they've since changed up their relationship style. They're constantly in flux, apparently.

 

In my entire adult life, I've never liked a taken guy. The only time I did was pre-adulthood, when I was 16 years old and liked a 27 year old married guy.

 

Generally, I like single guys.

 

But now I'm already smitten with him.

OK, that makes more sense now.

 

I know it must suck, but the best thing you can do is try to forget about him.

[Jane2011]

I wouldn't pursue someone I liked if they were 'taken' no. Although would probably always try to look my best. The only time I would find it hard not to pursue though is if the guy I was dating/getting to know then also started dating/went off with someone else (this was my last experience), as IMO why should I be considerate to her feelings when she came between me and the guy?!

 

Just read this. Yeah, I see what you mean.

 

That's sort of what happened with me.

 

I don't go after taken guys. But circumstances allowed me to be with him quite cleanly and legally, and NOW he's unavailable to me.

 

I do think I'll back off, though. (That was my intention anyway)

 

I'll probably still say hello every so often, but it will be extremely light...

 

I mean, that's how I feel at this point. In a week or two, maybe I'll just feel compelled to go my own way completely.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So the thought of a girl you like not wanting to date you because she already likes a guy who has a GF doesn't annoy you?

 

I'm sorry, but you are SO mixed up.

 

This hypothetical girl who you believe doesn't want to date you because she already likes a taken guy PROBABLY still doesn't want to date you when she likes no other guy at all.

 

Who she likes has nothing whatsoever to do with you and your chances. If she likes YOU, she likes YOU, and if she doesn't, forget it.

 

Being "annoyed" and pissed off about it is a huge waste of your time and emotional energy.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm sorry, but you are SO mixed up.

 

This hypothetical girl who you believe doesn't want to date you because she already likes a taken guy PROBABLY still doesn't want to date you when she likes no other guy at all.

 

Who she likes has nothing whatsoever to do with you and your chances. If she likes YOU, she likes YOU, and if she doesn't, forget it.

 

Being "annoyed" and pissed off about it is a huge waste of your time and emotional energy.

Again, very much echoing my point.

[somedude81]

I'm sorry, but you are SO mixed up.

 

This hypothetical girl who you believe doesn't want to date you because she already likes a taken guy PROBABLY still doesn't want to date you when she likes no other guy at all.

 

Who she likes has nothing whatsoever to do with you and your chances. If she likes YOU, she likes YOU, and if she doesn't, forget it.

 

Being "annoyed" and pissed off about it is a huge waste of your time and emotional energy.

There's no way to be sure.

 

If anything, she's not willing to give me a chance, and that's all I really care about.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look Jane2011, I'm not a real big fan of revealing my past or what not on this forum in great detail or even sometimes in general but I feel a little responsible in telling you the truth since...let's just say I'm in experienced and this is something I'm familiar with and knowledgeable of.

 

The biggest trick that a woman can play on herself is thinking that she can control her emotions with a man she is interested in or has a strong connection with. Yet It's one that she always falls for, curiosity and emotions, and I'd even just say the sheer "wrongness" of it all always win out with women regardless of what their mind tells them, especially with certain, particularly with certain men who know how to push your buttons. And this is something an experienced man knows.

 

By you continuing to contact this guy is just giving yourself an opportunity to end up back in the same situation, after all you realize this and you're playing ball basically, the only thing preventing you from it is this guys current gf.

 

From personal experience, unfortunately greater than I'd like to admit....don't do this to yourself, there is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow and you will find yourself emotionally attached to this guy whether you like it or not the more you spend time with him and are intimate with him.

 

Some men are capable of giving you a pretty deep and in a lot of ways fulfilling experience...where everything seems perfect except for ::insert gf here:: this by no means says that however that what you're experiencing is as real as you're making it out to be...some men are kinda like a drug. And some men are capable of sharing intimacy with more than one woman that feels very deep and very real, but realize for this guy it's limited...It hits a glass ceiling.

 

I'm not saying that this man covers all of these bases for you, maybe you just like the intimacy a whole lot and feel like It's a nice security net until you find someone you can share deeper emotions with.

 

However you probably feel like this is the guy you want do it with, even though he has a GF, I'm personally never surprised what a woman is willing to go through for men...I've seen/experienced a lot.

 

You think that dating other men is like an act of freedom and control from this guy, but from personal experience that's a bunch of BS and while you think you're being "open-minded" let's be realistic here...this guys got a hook in you and you go halfheartedly into these dates and when nothing "special" happens you fall back on this guy...you don't really put a great deal of hope or stake in dating as If there wasn't this other romantic interest, then you stop dating for a bit and you're still thinking of this guy so you go back with him for a bit, even screw him while you're dating other people. This is essentially self-sabotage, you won't be able to move on emotionally in this state, I've never seen it happen personally unless I cut her off completely and didn't give her the time of day anymore...and even then they still tried to get back into contact...women can be very persistent especially after they've got a thing for you.

 

Bottom line: I've never treated women like a side-piece in really my whole life, and that was the problem...every woman felt like they were "the one", they mislead themselves and hoped for more and in the end they screwed themselves over because I had my own personal demons and limitations of what I could or even would give in any kind of intimate relationship. I gave a lot in each situation though, a lot of affection, a lot of intimacy/passion and later on I realized how they felt like the only woman on my mind, but If they understood what was behind the scenes then they'd understand that they never had a chance to begin with.

 

If it was me from the past, I'd already have you back in bed and you wouldn't even care that you had to push back all of your own thoughts and what people were telling you "don't be with that guy, he's wrong for you" you'd still be there. I wouldn't worry about what all these people are telling you or your close friends, you wouldn't listen to them anyway and you wouldn't save yourself....which is really to me the saddest part.

 

Do yourself a favor and move on to something with a possible future is what I advice women to do, because guys like me would just waste your time...Is it really worth a compelling romance and fiery intimacy with limitations you insist on ignoring? unfortunately most women say it is, but ultimately from my perspective It's a waste of your time and who knows who you could have met If you weren't focused on said man, you're giving us everything we want and need while you just essentially take it.

 

Save yourself while you can or reap the consequences of drama. I know how easily this was for me to turn your life around in a second, even IF you still think you're just innocently contacting him...i mean c'mon If I was in his shoes I'd know exactly what I had on my hands here.

[goldengirl11]

Just read this. Yeah, I see what you mean.

 

That's sort of what happened with me.

 

I don't go after taken guys. But circumstances allowed me to be with him quite cleanly and legally, and NOW he's unavailable to me.

 

I do think I'll back off, though. (That was my intention anyway)

 

I'll probably still say hello every so often, but it will be extremely light...

 

I mean, that's how I feel at this point. In a week or two, maybe I'll just feel compelled to go my own way completely.

 

Yes similar situation with me. I guess because I'd started getting intimate with him, I had hoped it would lead to just us. I had wanted to ask him this but when I did it was via e-mail when someone else was in the picture, who he then decided to go with. It was hopeless then to win time with him. I know I really need to move on now though and that the ball's in his court. Btw he was a day student which made me feel more insecure re him meeting someone else. I'm definitely going to be more upfront with what I'm looking for next time. I must be more assertive!

[ThaWholigan]

There's no way to be sure.

 

If anything, she's not willing to give me a chance, and that's all I really care about.

But why should she give you a chance if she doesn't want to date you? What incentive could there be for her other than the unlikely event of a surprise?

 

If I was trying to date a girl, and she didn't want to date me, I'm not going to be angry that she "didn't even give me a chance". She had the chance, she ****ed up, now I'm gonna move onto the other 20 million or so women who live in my city.

[mostlyclueless]

I think it's disrespectful to the girlfriend to stick around because you're secretly hoping her boyfriend will leave her for you.

 

If this were an ex who you couldn't be with for any other reason, you would probably have decided already that it's better for you not to be in touch.

 

I really think you will be happier in the long term if you move on from this guy.

[Jane2011]

I think it's disrespectful to the girlfriend to stick around because you're secretly hoping her boyfriend will leave her for you.

 

If this were an ex who you couldn't be with for any other reason, you would probably have decided already that it's better for you not to be in touch.

 

I really think you will be happier in the long term if you move on from this guy.

 

Well, I will likely back off from the situation.

 

But to be clear, no, I really wouldn't be hoping he'd leave her for me. I've stated in a previous post that I wanted to be friends with her and create a non-rivalry situation.

 

What I wanted, when I reconnected with him, was to be with him and him still have her. I wanted to respect their relationship and their bond. I was down with polyamory.

 

I actually hope THEY have a change of heart about things, not that he decides to leave her for me.

[Jane2011]

Ninja,

I read your post. Will reply with some thoughts later. I'm at work now. I do see where you're coming from. And I agree with you in general that his "feelings" for me weren't necessarily as "real" as I was thinking. But that doesn't mean there wasn't anything there. That doesn't mean it was so devoid of any class or substance that it was empty.

We may not have had anything major to the point we'd gotten to, but that has some to do, at least, with the fact that we only had seven weeks together.

More later.

[Jane2011]

Actually:

to Ninja's post, the most I really have to say is (like I said in post to mostlyclueless), I want back in the situation (with him and her). So saying that talking to him is going to "wind me back in the situation" is not a harmful thing from my perspective.

 

I also don't think it's impossible for me to still have some light contact with a guy and move on at the same time. Women do it all the time.

 

When I got with him (S, the guy in question), I was in friendly contact with the guy I was hung up on before him. Talked to him (the first guy) every three weeks to a month or so, and really kinda longed for him. But I was smart and dated around anyway. And I met S.

 

So...I think what you said is very smart and thoughtful. Yet, I think people over-dramatize the idea that if you talk to anyone from your past in any way, shape, form, or fashion, you're going to paralyzed from a future. Not so much.

 

I have an ex-boyfriend of five years who is my best friend. He also doesn't prevent me from having feelings for other men when other great men come along.

[Jane2011]

You think that dating other men is like an act of freedom and control from this guy, but from personal experience that's a bunch of BS and while you think you're being "open-minded" let's be realistic here...this guys got a hook in you and you go halfheartedly into these dates and when nothing "special" happens you fall back on this guy...you don't really put a great deal of hope or stake in dating as If there wasn't this other romantic interest, then you stop dating for a bit and you're still thinking of this guy so you go back with him for a bit, even screw him while you're dating other people. This is essentially self-sabotage, you won't be able to move on emotionally in this state, I've never seen it happen personally unless I cut her off completely and didn't give her the time of day anymore...and even then they still tried to get back into contact...women can be very persistent especially after they've got a thing for you.

 

Like I said, worst case and even crazy-case scenario (above). I like the guy, I'm not off my rocker about him. When I meet a man who is equal or better than him (in and of himself and also in terms of my attraction), I will fall in love with that man, believe me, just the same way it happened in the situation I described above. When I meet guys who are less attractive to me than he is, then I will remain hung up on him.

 

There's nothing unusual about that. That's the way it works for most people.

 

I think you give good advice, Ninja, but you also take women for being very, very vulnerable and weak most of the time. I think it's because you want to protect, and that's a good thing. But I'm just saying...we're not always as vulnerable as you think. Guys don't always "have their hooks in us" just because we like them a lot.

 

I look out for #1. As much as I would like to still have the guy I was with, I also daydream about a future with an as yet faceless guy who I will have as good a time with or better. Whichever comes first.

[PlumPrincess]

Okay, just to give a little more information. It might change people's responses or it might not. But I should probably give relevant info. I was involved with the guy already for two months in November and December. It wasn't a cheating situation. She and he were having an open relationship. She knew about me because what he was doing was with her permission. However, I got out of it because I myself couldn't handle the open relationship thing. (She, too, I hear, was feeling jealousy because of my presence; trying the 'open relationship' was new to her/them)

 

Recently, I got back in touch with him and said that I'd had a change of heart about things and could see myself dating him, that my mind was more open about open relationships. He was interested in dating again, but she has now stated that she doesn't want him to see me because she felt jealousy more than she thought she was going to. They are still in an open relationship, but only on her end. He's not allowed to see anyone else, but she is going to see other women because she's bi-sexual (one who follows me in any way can probably draw a connection between all my threads). So, she's not the picture of traditional, devoted girlfriend, though I'm not saying that means it's open season for me to be friends with her boyfriend.

 

What do y'all think?

Do you really believe that open relationships are a good idea or are you just that much into the guy that you are starting to corrupt your own comfort level?

[PlumPrincess]

Look Jane2011, I'm not a real big fan of revealing my past or what not on this forum in great detail or even sometimes in general but I feel a little responsible in telling you the truth since...let's just say I'm in experienced and this is something I'm familiar with and knowledgeable of.

 

The biggest trick that a woman can play on herself is thinking that she can control her emotions with a man she is interested in or has a strong connection with. Yet It's one that she always falls for, curiosity and emotions, and I'd even just say the sheer "wrongness" of it all always win out with women regardless of what their mind tells them, especially with certain, particularly with certain men who know how to push your buttons. And this is something an experienced man knows.

 

By you continuing to contact this guy is just giving yourself an opportunity to end up back in the same situation, after all you realize this and you're playing ball basically, the only thing preventing you from it is this guys current gf.

 

From personal experience, unfortunately greater than I'd like to admit....don't do this to yourself, there is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow and you will find yourself emotionally attached to this guy whether you like it or not the more you spend time with him and are intimate with him.

 

Some men are capable of giving you a pretty deep and in a lot of ways fulfilling experience...where everything seems perfect except for ::insert gf here:: this by no means says that however that what you're experiencing is as real as you're making it out to be...some men are kinda like a drug. And some men are capable of sharing intimacy with more than one woman that feels very deep and very real, but realize for this guy it's limited...It hits a glass ceiling.

 

I'm not saying that this man covers all of these bases for you, maybe you just like the intimacy a whole lot and feel like It's a nice security net until you find someone you can share deeper emotions with.

 

However you probably feel like this is the guy you want do it with, even though he has a GF, I'm personally never surprised what a woman is willing to go through for men...I've seen/experienced a lot.

 

You think that dating other men is like an act of freedom and control from this guy, but from personal experience that's a bunch of BS and while you think you're being "open-minded" let's be realistic here...this guys got a hook in you and you go halfheartedly into these dates and when nothing "special" happens you fall back on this guy...you don't really put a great deal of hope or stake in dating as If there wasn't this other romantic interest, then you stop dating for a bit and you're still thinking of this guy so you go back with him for a bit, even screw him while you're dating other people. This is essentially self-sabotage, you won't be able to move on emotionally in this state, I've never seen it happen personally unless I cut her off completely and didn't give her the time of day anymore...and even then they still tried to get back into contact...women can be very persistent especially after they've got a thing for you.

 

Bottom line: I've never treated women like a side-piece in really my whole life, and that was the problem...every woman felt like they were "the one", they mislead themselves and hoped for more and in the end they screwed themselves over because I had my own personal demons and limitations of what I could or even would give in any kind of intimate relationship. I gave a lot in each situation though, a lot of affection, a lot of intimacy/passion and later on I realized how they felt like the only woman on my mind, but If they understood what was behind the scenes then they'd understand that they never had a chance to begin with.

 

If it was me from the past, I'd already have you back in bed and you wouldn't even care that you had to push back all of your own thoughts and what people were telling you "don't be with that guy, he's wrong for you" you'd still be there. I wouldn't worry about what all these people are telling you or your close friends, you wouldn't listen to them anyway and you wouldn't save yourself....which is really to me the saddest part.

 

Do yourself a favor and move on to something with a possible future is what I advice women to do, because guys like me would just waste your time...Is it really worth a compelling romance and fiery intimacy with limitations you insist on ignoring? unfortunately most women say it is, but ultimately from my perspective It's a waste of your time and who knows who you could have met If you weren't focused on said man, you're giving us everything we want and need while you just essentially take it.

 

Save yourself while you can or reap the consequences of drama. I know how easily this was for me to turn your life around in a second, even IF you still think you're just innocently contacting him...i mean c'mon If I was in his shoes I'd know exactly what I had on my hands here.

You might be on to something!

[Jane2011]

Do you really believe that open relationships are a good idea or are you just that much into the guy that you are starting to corrupt your own comfort level?

 

I'd say a little of both, except take out the word 'corrupt' and insert 'thoughtfully considering changes'. I'm not 'seeking' open relationships in general. But if there ever was a guy who was worth doing an open relationship for, this is that guy (for me). He's awesome. He was so wonderful to me. And I'd explore when such a guy is in the picture.

 

Yet, it's not just that. I'm genuinely open to open relationships. My posts in this thread do indicate that. I wanted to have a friendship with the girl and develop a situation comfortable and honest for everyone. I wasn't just trying to get back in with an ulterior motive to win him over to just me me me. Nor am I just rationalizing things or changing what I want for the guy. There have been threads on this board in the past three months about polyamory and open relationships, and I think in most recent ones, I've conveyed that I'm open-minded about them. I also have a close friend who is open relationships-friendly who has opened my mind about them.

 

I don't need to get into my entire psyche in the present or the past, but suffice it to say that there are plenty of reasons why I as an individual may prefer not to have a man entirely to myself. This is not to say I want a guy who is a 'swinger,' but him having one other woman besides me who I am friends with, who I respect, and am comfortable with, I'm truly open to that and think it's possible I could even flourish in such circumstances.

 

I stayed away from the guy for the whole three months that I did because I knew I wasn't "there" yet. Once I knew I was "there," I contacted him. In other words, I do what's right for me. I stay away when I know I need to. And I contact when I know that I'm comfortable and emotionally safe.

[FitChick]

I think Jane fears true intimacy so she gets involved in a situation like this where there won't be any. Plenty of fake intimacy so she thinks she will be safe.

 

If you really want a polyamorous situation with the guy, tell him to give the girlfriend the boot and that you want to bring in another guy. That's still polyamory, right? He claims to be open minded, right?

[RedRobin]

I steer clear.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Women and men, when you like (or even feel in love with) a guy/girl who is taken (not married but just in an LTR), what is your stance as far as how much contact you can in good conscience have with that person?

 

Do you think it is "ho" behavior to still talk to the guy as a friend every three weeks or so? Or should one back off completely?

 

And guys, what's your stance toward women who are taken but who you really really really like? Sometimes people want to stay on the other person's radar, but what's your comfort level with it? Is it "all's fair in love and war" with you or do you think anything less than backing off completely is unconscionable?

 

Does "homewrecker" only apply if marriage and children is the case? Or does it also apply just to established couples?

 

Just want to get your thoughts. And it is personal, yes. I like a guy who is taken. I don't want to be a ho or a homewrecker. But honestly, I want to stay on his radar in a light, friendly way in case anything changes. Think it's wrong to do so?

If a person is taken, they are off limits. There is NO reason for you to be friends with this person because you have ill intentions. The person he is with is unsuspecting, and the reason you want to be friends is to be on his radar. You will end up getting hurt because your feelings will only grow if you stick around---and conversely, his will grow for the person he is with. I would stay away from this one. One other thing that just came to my mind...Hypothetically speaking, if he were to break it off with this person and go to you, it would be rebound and he would still have her on his mind. You don't want to have to deal with all that.

[Jane2011]

I think Jane fears true intimacy

 

I can't say that is untrue. A part of me does want to avoid extremely serious intimacy. But I think of it a little differently. I don't want a lot of pressure of having to be everything to a person.

Edited April 16, 2012 by Jane2011

[Jane2011]

I'm not against them, either. I'm sure there are people who are happier in poly relationships than monogamous.

 

But I am not one of them. I don't want to share my man.

 

What about you? Open-minded is one thing, but what is right for you?

 

 

That's what I was trying to explore. I genuinely do think it's possible that I could be happy in a polyamorous situation. I was certainly willing to try it.

 

I don't actually know what is right for me, for absolute certain. Monogamous or polyamorous. I think either, given the right circumstances and involved parties, could work for me.

[Jane2011]

Yes similar situation with me. I guess because I'd started getting intimate with him, I had hoped it would lead to just us. I had wanted to ask him this but when I did it was via e-mail when someone else was in the picture, who he then decided to go with. It was hopeless then to win time with him. I know I really need to move on now though and that the ball's in his court. Btw he was a day student which made me feel more insecure re him meeting someone else. I'm definitely going to be more upfront with what I'm looking for next time. I must be more assertive!

 

Thanks for sharing. Yeah, I agree, you shouldn't go into an open situation wanting it to lead to just the two of you. I felt that way previously, but not when I was going for the reconnect.

 

I got into my situation in the first place because I was exploring...

 

I thought it could work for me, but then it didn't. However, I'm always soul-searching and mulling over what I really want. And I came to believe, over the last month or two, that I didn't necessarily want to be completely alone with him, in the emotional sense. Close to him, yes. Very, very close to him. But not necessarily completely alone with him.

[jobaba]

I haven't ever.

 

My best friend's wife who I've known for 8 years is totally awesome and I would date her in a second but I've never had any feelings for her.

 

My best female friend who is also my best drinking buddy and have known for 7 years has had a boyfriend the whole time. No feelings or desires. She actually has tried to kiss me and I rebuffed.

 

Never can I recall being strongly attracted to someone who has been in a relationship. I think my mind just subconsciously blocks them out as a possibility. Maybe...

 

Of course, I have liked women when they are single, and then they reject me and date the next hot stud who walks down the street when I still have feelings for them .. but that's different.