joystickd Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So what do you want Jane? To be a piece on the side for him? Or are you planning to steal him from his GF? My suggestion, be an adult; cut contact and let some of the guys who actually do like you take you out. More than likely she has already decided to be his side piece. The smart thing would be if she wants this is to not act on it until he initiates it.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Thanks for everyone's thoughts so far.
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Assuming she actually wants to date them of course..... Why not just pick the best one and go out? Maybe she'll be surprised.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 I wasn't his side piece in the past and wasn't planning on being his side piece in the future. I referred to it generally as "open relationship," but polyamory was the actual deal. I'm in a hurry and can't describe polyamory, but it purports, anyway, to not have "side dishes" but rather actual relationships. Some are cynical about this, and I'm sure ensuing responses will reflect as much. At any rate, no, I was not going to be content to be a side piece. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 My suggestion, be an adult; cut contact and let some of the guys who actually do like you take you out. Just because a guy likes her is NO reason for her to go out with him. News flash! She has to like him too! 3
joystickd Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I wasn't his side piece in the past and wasn't planning on being his side piece in the future. I referred to it generally as "open relationship," but polyamory was the actual deal. I'm in a hurry and can't describe polyamory, but it purports, anyway, to not have "side dishes" but rather actual relationships. Some are cynical about this, and I'm sure ensuing responses will reflect as much. At any rate, no, I was not going to be content to be a side piece. No matter poly or not there is one woman he has more feelings for than the other and if that is not you then you are the side piece. That is the reality of it. 1
xxoo Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 And, to answer your question, it was this board itself over the last three months that kind of shifted my thinking about open relationships. I'm not "for" them; but things I've read on this board made me not necessarily "against" them either. I'm not one way or another. I'm just open minded. I'm not against them, either. I'm sure there are people who are happier in poly relationships than monogamous. But I am not one of them. I don't want to share my man. What about you? Open-minded is one thing, but what is right for you?
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I wasn't his side piece in the past and wasn't planning on being his side piece in the future. I referred to it generally as "open relationship," but polyamory was the actual deal. I'm in a hurry and can't describe polyamory, but it purports, anyway, to not have "side dishes" but rather actual relationships. Some are cynical about this, and I'm sure ensuing responses will reflect as much. At any rate, no, I was not going to be content to be a side piece. So you want to be his second wife. Think about that for a bit. What you are doing is what pisses me off most of all about women. The height thing comes up short compared to women wanting a guy who is already taken.
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Why not just pick the best one and go out? Maybe she'll be surprised. Because it doesn't "just" work like that. Sure she could go out with them, but if she's not attracted to them, it will probably be a waste of time. I don't advocate dating someone you're not attracted to anyway. Put the boot on the other foot. Suppose she was to say to you to be an adult and date some of the single girls who are into you, and all the single girls that were into you were unattractive (to you, that would probably be obese). Would you "just" go out with them, and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised??
goldengirl11 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I wouldn't pursue someone I liked if they were 'taken' no. Although would probably always try to look my best. The only time I would find it hard not to pursue though is if the guy I was dating/getting to know then also started dating/went off with someone else (this was my last experience), as IMO why should I be considerate to her feelings when she came between me and the guy?!
wwwjd Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 DON'T like someone who is taken. It is not yours. I want that candy bar in the vending machine, but I am not gonna smash the glass and just take it. It's not mine.
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Just because a guy likes her is NO reason for her to go out with him. News flash! She has to like him too! Because it doesn't "just" work like that. Sure she could go out with them, but if she's not attracted to them, it will probably be a waste of time. I don't advocate dating someone you're not attracted to anyway. So if none of the guys who want her are attractive to her and the only guy who is, is already in a relationship, then it seems like she's got a few things to sort out. Put the boot on the other foot. Suppose she was to say to you to be an adult and date some of the single girls who are into you, and all the single girls that were into you were unattractive (to you, that would probably be obese). Would you "just" go out with them, and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised?? I love how the only comparison you can make is if all the other girls were obese.
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Just because a guy likes her is NO reason for her to go out with him. News flash! She has to like him too! My point exactly.... So you want to be his second wife. Think about that for a bit. What you are doing is what pisses me off most of all about women. The height thing comes up short compared to women wanting a guy who is already taken. Situations and matters of the heart are complicated. Even I know that, there are men who get themselves into dumb scenarios too, women are just more likely to be vocal about it and ask for advice in my experience. What has your height got to do with anything though? And why do you allow silly things like this to piss you off?? 1
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So if none of the guys who want her are attractive to her and the only guy who is, is already in a relationship, then it seems like she's got a few things to sort out. I love how the only comparison you can make is if all the other girls were obese. The point is, if they're not attractive to her, why should she date them? Sure, this situation isn't ideal and I think she should remove herself also, but you are advocating the other extreme, which is date guys she is probably not into, otherwise she would be dating them already. 1
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 No matter poly or not there is one woman he has more feelings for than the other and if that is not you then you are the side piece. That is the reality of it. I agree with that -- relatively. I agree with you that it's never actually perfectly equal. It just can't be. But it's hard to feel like a side piece if someone likes you a lot and treats you very well. Kind of like trying to figure out who in a traditional, exclusive relationship loves the other more. In a pretty decent, balanced relationship...who knows? The cosmos knows maybe, but not necessarily the people involved or outsiders. We're all technically side pieces to our friends in some way, or main dishes to other friends. For the most part, we don't feel it because for the most part our friends really like us, and we don't go around trying to figure out who our friend likes more -- friend me or friend Joe?
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 (edited) Jane, Go NC for awhile and see how you feel. Maybe after at least 30 days or so you won't be interested. Maybe now is the time to figure out what it is about this situation/him that's attractive to you. Are you into emotionally unavailable guys? Is that why you want one that can't be yours? Maybe they'll break up, but maybe they'll keep going... don't waste any more energy dwelling on this. My .2 cents - take 30 days without contact, without seeking news of him. Re-evaluate how you feel then. And, try to be open if you meet someone. This, for me, is the hard one. If you spend too much time thinking about the OM/past/what-ifs, you can't focus on the new opportunities, and the now. Edited April 16, 2012 by PeineDeCoeur typo 2
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 No matter poly or not there is one woman he has more feelings for than the other and if that is not you then you are the side piece. That is the reality of it. Added in the bold... I agree with that -- relatively. I agree with you that it's never actually perfectly equal. It just can't be. But it's hard to feel like a side piece if someone likes you a lot and treats you very well. When I was dating him, this guy actually said he'd like me to move in with him at some point. (He and she don't live together). He didn't treat me like a side piece at all.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Jane, Go NC for awhile and see how you feel. Maybe after at least 30 days or so you won't be interested. Maybe now is the time to figure out what it is about this situation/him that's attractive to you. Are you into emotionally unavailable guys? Is that why you want one that can't be yours? Maybe they'll break up, but maybe they'll keep going... don't waste any more energy dwelling on this. My .2 cents - take 30 days without contact, without seeking news of him. Re-evaluate how you feel then. And, try to be open if you meet someone. This, for me, is the hard one. If you spend too much time thinking about the OM/past/what-ifs, you can't focus on the new opportunities, and the now. Thank you. I'm open. I did speed dating the other night. I've also been on four dates since the time he and I were dating.
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 And why do you allow silly things like this to piss you off?? So the thought of a girl you like not wanting to date you because she already likes a guy who has a GF doesn't annoy you?
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So the thought of a girl you like not wanting to date you because she already likes a guy who has a GF doesn't annoy you? No, it would make me pity her a little, but I would be unmoved otherwise. I wouldn't put so much emotional investment in that girl. I might want to bone her, but that would be it. I have only ever allowed myself to have feelings for one girl. She had a few boyfriends in that time, and liked guys who were otherwise involved somehow, but everytime that happened, I went NC (apart from Spoongate).
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 No, it would make me pity her a little, but I would be unmoved otherwise. I wouldn't put so much emotional investment in that girl. I might want to bone her, but that would be it. I have only ever allowed myself to have feelings for one girl. She had a few boyfriends in that time, and liked guys who were otherwise involved somehow, but everytime that happened, I went NC (apart from Spoongate). Then that's where we are different. If there is a girl I kinda like and ask her out and she says, "Sorry, I like Jose, I know he has a GF but we're meant for each other." It would annoy me and I'd just think she was stupid.
joystickd Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I agree with that -- relatively. I agree with you that it's never actually perfectly equal. It just can't be. But it's hard to feel like a side piece if someone likes you a lot and treats you very well. Kind of like trying to figure out who in a traditional, exclusive relationship loves the other more. In a pretty decent, balanced relationship...who knows? The cosmos knows maybe, but not necessarily the people involved or outsiders. We're all technically side pieces to our friends in some way, or main dishes to other friends. For the most part, we don't feel it because for the most part our friends really like us, and we don't go around trying to figure out who our friend likes more -- friend me or friend Joe? A regular friendship has nothing to do with a side piece. Side pieces are treated well and the man can like them a lot. If he is with her and you come in the picture this makes you a side piece. No amount of rationalization or analogy will change that. 1
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Then that's where we are different. If there is a girl I kinda like and ask her out and she says, "Sorry, I like Jose, I know he has a GF but we're meant for each other." It would annoy me and I'd just think she was stupid. The difference being I know how to handle and control my emotions to a large extent, and I'm not going to put them into a girl until I am actually solidly boinking her for significant amount of time and actually enjoying her company aswell. 1
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 So you want to be his second wife. Think about that for a bit. What you are doing is what pisses me off most of all about women. The height thing comes up short compared to women wanting a guy who is already taken. It's not a typical thing for me to like a taken guy. It sort of happened by accident, if you read my previous posts. He was available when I got together with him. Even when I called him to reconnect, I assumed he was available. Not unattached, but available. But they've since changed up their relationship style. They're constantly in flux, apparently. In my entire adult life, I've never liked a taken guy. The only time I did was pre-adulthood, when I was 16 years old and liked a 27 year old married guy. Generally, I like single guys. But now I'm already smitten with him.
goldengirl11 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 It's not a typical thing for me to like a taken guy. It sort of happened by accident, if you read my previous posts. He was available when I got together with him. Even when I called him to reconnect, I assumed he was available. Not unattached, but available. But they've since changed up their relationship style. They're constantly in flux, apparently. In my entire adult life, I've never liked a taken guy. The only time I did was pre-adulthood, when I was 16 years old and liked a 27 year old married guy. Generally, I like single guys. But now I'm already smitten with him. Similar to the situation I briefly mentioned I guess?
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