Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Women and men, when you like (or even feel in love with) a guy/girl who is taken (not married but just in an LTR), what is your stance as far as how much contact you can in good conscience have with that person? Do you think it is "ho" behavior to still talk to the guy as a friend every three weeks or so? Or should one back off completely? And guys, what's your stance toward women who are taken but who you really really really like? Sometimes people want to stay on the other person's radar, but what's your comfort level with it? Is it "all's fair in love and war" with you or do you think anything less than backing off completely is unconscionable? Does "homewrecker" only apply if marriage and children is the case? Or does it also apply just to established couples? Just want to get your thoughts. And it is personal, yes. I like a guy who is taken. I don't want to be a ho or a homewrecker. But honestly, I want to stay on his radar in a light, friendly way in case anything changes. Think it's wrong to do so?
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Women and men, when you like (or even feel in love with) a guy/girl who is taken (not married but just in an LTR), what is your stance as far as how much contact you can in good conscience have with that person? Do you think it is "ho" behavior to still talk to the guy as a friend every three weeks or so? Or should one back off completely? And guys, what's your stance toward women who are taken but who you really really really like? Sometimes people want to stay on the other person's radar, but what's your comfort level with it? Is it "all's fair in love and war" with you or do you think anything less than backing off completely is unconscionable? Does "homewrecker" only apply if marriage and children is the case? Or does it also apply just to established couples? Just want to get your thoughts. And it is personal, yes. I like a guy who is taken. I don't want to be a ho or a homewrecker. But honestly, I want to stay on his radar in a light, friendly way in case anything changes. Think it's wrong to do so? I back off. When my female friends have boyfriends, even if I don't find them particularly attractive, I limit my contact with them. I'm mostly acquaintances with female friends though, I don't have any really close ones. What you're doing is probably OK, however you will probably want to guard against emotional investments.
Inci Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Does "homewrecker" only apply if marriage and children is the case? Or does it also apply just to established couples? Just want to get your thoughts. And it is personal, yes. I like a guy who is taken. I don't want to be a ho or a homewrecker. But honestly, I want to stay on his radar in a light, friendly way in case anything changes. Think it's wrong to do so? Yes it makes you a homewrecker. Would you like it to happen to you? If not, why do you think it's acceptable to do it anyone else? You should not allow yourself to 'fall in love' with someone who is taken. Back off
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So there aren't any single guys that could be into you?
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Yes it makes you a homewrecker. Would you like it to happen to you? If not, why do you think it's acceptable to do it anyone else? You should not allow yourself to 'fall in love' with someone who is taken. Back off Well, it's kind of a long story. I didn't just decide to fall in love with someone who is taken. I actually rarely start liking guys who have girlfriends, even if the guy is attractive. It's a long story that I don't want to get into because it'll just open up a big can of worms. Anyway, the whole reason for me writing this post is to allow LS people to keep me in line. I will pay close attention to responses and the general consensus.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 So there aren't any single guys that could be into you? Yeah, there are, of course. But I'm in love with a taken one. It's horrible.
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So there aren't any single guys that could be into you? There probably are, but she is probably not attracted to them for various reasons. Guys who are taken, as we have established, have a particular ease about their character, especially as they are already in a relationship. She would do well to back off a little and pursue other options, but personally I see no harm in staying in an around the edge of the radar. It's not something I would do though .
ASG Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Whether there are single guys or not is not the issue here. Limiting contact is good, but mostly because it's good FOR YOU. So that you can start to let go. Because, odds are, nothing is going to change and he will stay with his GF. Sure, they may break up, but that also doesn't mean he'll be into you. But I don't see why you shouldn't maintain the amount of contact you speak of. A friendly chat every few weeks is definitely nothing to write home about. 3
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I don't know if it makes you a "ho," but I think the thing to do is to quit. If you know him, you will know when / if his relationship breaks up. Resume contact then. IMO, people who persist in making efforts towards "taken" ones cause a great deal of trouble and it rarely turns out well. If you could get between this guy and his girlfriend, someone else can get between you and him. 2
Inci Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Well, it's kind of a long story. I didn't just decide to fall in love with someone who is taken. I actually rarely start liking guys who have girlfriends, even if the guy is attractive. I think it's generally a good habit to keep attached people at arms length at all times. I meet married men all the time, I work with a lot and I never allow myself to take them seriously in any way. As soon as I find out a guy is taken I move on. I think that's a very healthy boundary to form
spookie Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Meh. I am if the oPinion that prior to engagement, it's just dating, in other words trying to figure out if the other person is the right one for you. From that perspective, I think alls fair in love and war. Of course, even if it's fair, you risk making a fool out of yourself and further alienating your friend, if u take it too far. 1
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Okay, just to give a little more information. It might change people's responses or it might not. But I should probably give relevant info. I was involved with the guy already for two months in November and December. It wasn't a cheating situation. She and he were having an open relationship. She knew about me because what he was doing was with her permission. However, I got out of it because I myself couldn't handle the open relationship thing. (She, too, I hear, was feeling jealousy because of my presence; trying the 'open relationship' was new to her/them) Recently, I got back in touch with him and said that I'd had a change of heart about things and could see myself dating him, that my mind was more open about open relationships. He was interested in dating again, but she has now stated that she doesn't want him to see me because she felt jealousy more than she thought she was going to. They are still in an open relationship, but only on her end. He's not allowed to see anyone else, but she is going to see other women because she's bi-sexual (one who follows me in any way can probably draw a connection between all my threads). So, she's not the picture of traditional, devoted girlfriend, though I'm not saying that means it's open season for me to be friends with her boyfriend. What do y'all think?
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Guys, please read my post above to see if that in any way changes (or even just 'shifts' your thinking on the whole thing). I'm not looking to get affirmation of what I want to do; I just want your honest opinions, and I failed to include the relevant info at first.
Inci Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Oh I read about this over the last few months while I was lurking here. This is the polyamorous thing, isn't it? You are allowing a man to take advantage of you. I think it's very gullible on your side. 1
xxoo Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Okay, just to give a little more information. It might change people's responses or it might not. But I should probably give relevant info. I was involved with the guy already for two months in November and December. It wasn't a cheating situation. She and he were having an open relationship. She knew about me because what he was doing was with her permission. However, I got out of it because I myself couldn't handle the open relationship thing. (She, too, I hear, was feeling jealousy because of my presence; trying the 'open relationship' was new to her/them) Recently, I got back in touch with him and said that I'd had a change of heart about things and could see myself dating him, that my mind was more open about open relationships. He was interested in dating again, but she has now stated that she doesn't want him to see me because she felt jealousy more than she thought she was going to. They are still in an open relationship, but only on her end. He's not allowed to see anyone else, but she is going to see other women because she's bi-sexual (one who follows me in any way can probably draw a connection between all my threads). So, she's not the picture of traditional, devoted girlfriend, though I'm not saying that means it's open season for me to be friends with her boyfriend. What do y'all think? I think: Stay Away. Too messy. It's ok to stay friends if you feel a little crush. But if it is painful to you, it is time to distance yourself.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Meh. I am if the oPinion that prior to engagement, it's just dating, in other words trying to figure out if the other person is the right one for you. From that perspective, I think alls fair in love and war. Of course, even if it's fair, you risk making a fool out of yourself and further alienating your friend, if u take it too far. Oh, I agree. I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I'm backing off, for the most part. What I'm asking about is...while I'm looking around for other men but still haven't found anything...can I speak to the guy every three weeks or month or so to keep him on my radar somehow?
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Oh. That guy. I think it makes it even more advisable that you move on completely. Way too complicated. Potential quagmire. You did, in fact, have a sexual relationship with her, too. I'm sure there was a tacit agreement that you were just having fun and that you would not get involved with either one of them, right? Wait until he's broken up with her, if ever. But I hope your mind is really open about the "open relationships" now, because he doesn't sound like the monogamous type.
veggirl Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 What made you suddenly okay with an open relationship? Are you sure you aren't just "okay" with that possibility (I know his GF has said no, now) because you think you could win him over to "your" side if you get him to engage in that? I think you should back off. A girl with a previous romantic history with my man trying to hang around him in case he becomes single? I would not be cool with that if I was his GF, I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, so I wouldn't do it to someone else.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I know...messed up situation.
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Okay, just to give a little more information. It might change people's responses or it might not. But I should probably give relevant info. I was involved with the guy already for two months in November and December. It wasn't a cheating situation. She and he were having an open relationship. She knew about me because what he was doing was with her permission. However, I got out of it because I myself couldn't handle the open relationship thing. (She, too, I hear, was feeling jealousy because of my presence; trying the 'open relationship' was new to her/them) Recently, I got back in touch with him and said that I'd had a change of heart about things and could see myself dating him, that my mind was more open about open relationships. He was interested in dating again, but she has now stated that she doesn't want him to see me because she felt jealousy more than she thought she was going to. They are still in an open relationship, but only on her end. He's not allowed to see anyone else, but she is going to see other women because she's bi-sexual (one who follows me in any way can probably draw a connection between all my threads). So, she's not the picture of traditional, devoted girlfriend, though I'm not saying that means it's open season for me to be friends with her boyfriend. What do y'all think? I kind of guessed they were connected, but I thought that it was you in the open relationship.....I was close though...... I think that you should probably remove yourself from this equation, it seems awfully messy. If that is difficult for you, then perhaps it would be better to be in a less acute position if you want to monitor where this guy is going dating-wise. It doesn't sound like the relationship is particularly healthy anyway, open or not, given that she can see other people and he cannot. I would leave such an arrangement, unless she was giving me access to 3somes . I digress....... Perhaps you could do well to take some time away from the situation and marinade on it for a while. 1
Inci Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 can I speak to the guy every three weeks or month or so to keep him on my radar somehow? That would only serve as an excuse to stop you from moving on. Any time dating got a little hard you would rush to him. Not a good idea at all I really don't think.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 What made you suddenly okay with an open relationship? Are you sure you aren't just "okay" with that possibility (I know his GF has said no, now) because you think you could win him over to "your" side if you get him to engage in that? I think you should back off. A girl with a previous romantic history with my man trying to hang around him in case he becomes single? I would not be cool with that if I was his GF, I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, so I wouldn't do it to someone else. No, I had no intention of trying to take him away from her. In fact, I wanted to be friends with her and develop camaraderie with her (and told her so) so that we could actually create a non-rivalry situation. I'm not that horrible! And, to answer your question, it was this board itself over the last three months that kind of shifted my thinking about open relationships. I'm not "for" them; but things I've read on this board made me not necessarily "against" them either. I'm not one way or another. I'm just open minded.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 [quote=veggirl;3942982 I think you should back off. A girl with a previous romantic history with my man trying to hang around him in case he becomes single? I would not be cool with that if I was his GF, I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, so I wouldn't do it to someone else. And oh, I wasn't going to try to hang around him. I'm saying...still know him. A friendly email occasionally.
somedude81 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So what do you want Jane? To be a piece on the side for him? Or are you planning to steal him from his GF? My suggestion, be an adult; cut contact and let some of the guys who actually do like you take you out.
ThaWholigan Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So what do you want Jane? To be a piece on the side for him? Or are you planning to steal him from his GF? My suggestion, be an adult; cut contact and let some of the guys who actually do like you take you out. Assuming she actually wants to date them of course.....
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