How often do you see your boyfriend of two years?

[oldschool1]

Hi. My boyfriend and I only see each other about three times a week: one weekday and Saturday and Sunday. It used to be once a week, then we bumped it up to 2 and now 3 (and sometimes 4, time permitting). We usually do fun stuff like playing tennis, going out for dinner and cycling in the canyons.

 

Occasionally, my boyfriend will have to go out of town or have some crazy busy work/school thing and won't see me for almost a week. This drives me bonkers!! By the way, we are both divorced in our late 30s, and we have been together 2 years. We definitely like to go on vacations, and then we'll be together for a week at a time...

 

Is this much less than normal?? I sort of feel like we should be at 4 or 5 times a week at this point...

 

Thanks!

[Leigh 87]

It sounds fine. YOu have the week days do work and do your own thing, and save your weekends for one another; u celarly both would rather spend time together in your spare time, above anyone else.

You even see each other once suring the week, so as to not miss each other:)

 

I am the same with my bf. We have been together over a year now, and have even lived together and seen each other every single day, for months on end, a one point. We never got sick of eat other, and we are very attached! However, we sort of like the time apart to do our own thing, it is healthier than being together every day ( even though we do enjoy being together every day, too).

 

There is no NORMAL; if your both veery happy together, great:)

It does not sound shaky... what is strange, is when couples stay together for years when they are not even that into each other, and they do not show each other true signs that it is a great relationship; and yet they stay together!

 

As long as you have a relationship where you both clearly are into each other, then do not question things.. not unless everything else is great,a nd one little thing does not add up ( like if he did not see u often at all)

[oldschool1]

Well, I would not say that relationship is perfect otherwise. While we always have a great time together and generally get along extremely well, he can be distant––in terms of communication and his affection. We also just had a fight and then conversation where I said I loved him for the first time, and he wasn't ready to say it back. Apparently, he's not an "I Love You Guy" (whatever that means). However, he says he's enthusiastic about our relationship. He has made it clear that he has "feelings for me" and just send an unsolicited "I miss you" text when he was gone on business (very unusual for him). He says he's SLOW.

 

So there you have it. He's very good about following through with plans, etc..., but is not good about anything emotional, etc... After 2 years, the whole thing is a bit unnerving.

[make me believe]

Two years into the relationship and he's "not ready" to say I love you?? It definitely doesn't sound like this guy is very invested in you. I would think that after two years you would be discussing the future, possibly moving towards marriage, etc. If he can't even say I love you, something is wrong. A guy that doesn't love you after 2 years isn't going to suddenly fall in love you in the future, or get some kind of epiphany and become "ok" with saying it now... And I find it odd that a random "I miss you" text is even worth mentioning. It should be commonplace after 2 years, not an unusual event worth getting excited about.

 

Sorry but I think all of this stuff is much more worrysome than only seeing each other 2-3 times a week.

[oldschool1]

Thank you for the response. Yes, I agree that something is fishy here. My boyfriend and I are both divorced, and he is freakishly independent (as a result of his controlling mother and bitchy ex-wife). He is really, really shy about displays of emotion and THINKS that saying he misses me and that he has feelings for me is a BIG DEAL. He is quite solid on wanting to have an exclusive relationship with me and always has been. Additionally, he has terrible anxiety and tends to compartmentalize things (like me). I am really hoping that things get better after he finishes his evening program. Tonight is the last night of 4 years of school, which has eaten up a considerable amount of time for him. Perhaps he will be able to see me more and start thinking about the next step now.

 

I have decided to let HIM do the asking. He used to be the one moving the relationship forward, but things ended up switching around in the last year or so. After our crazy conversation a week ago, I figured that the relationship would polarize. He now knows where I stand and what I want, so he can take steps to move toward me or away from me. Neither of us wants to date forever. Despite the worst week ever, he seems to be trying to show me he cares. But, if he doesn't seem to be moving it forward within the next few months, I am going to find someone else. Life is just too short

[FitChick]

How soon did you start dating him after his divorce? If he didn't have a couple of years to be alone, that might be part of the problem.

[Onlyjonley]

Three days a week is plenty. I hang out with mine 3-4 days a week, which is perfect for us. We like to have time to ourselves to do our own thing. And not being together constantly makes our time together that much better.

[oldschool1]

Thanks for the replies. He has been divorced for 5 years now. I was the one who was just getting divorced when we met, and he was concerned that I might not be ready for a serious relationship (which was what he wanted). However, it's his first serious/longer relationship since his divorce, and it occurs to me now that he hasn't really worked out all of his issues. He had a terrible, terrible divorce---he moved in with his girlfriend after a year, stayed together (unhappily) 5 more years and then got married because she pushed him. Then she left him within 6 months of the wedding. Disastrous!! His own parents are a horrible example---they got divorced when he was a kid, and his mother was a tyrant/control-freak. His dad has bounced from woman to woman without ever being a good role model. His mother has been happily remarried for years but is in a hermetic, codependent relationship that he finds very unappetizing. My parents met as teenagers and are still together!! I am divorced myself but get along great with my ex-husband. So, I think I have fewer commitment issues but certainly have my own fish to fry...

[GildedLily]

He is what is called emotionally unavailable; what makes you stay with him are you also emotionally unavailable? please read:How to Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men | Baggage Reclaim

[oldschool1]

Yes, he's definitely emotionally unavailable on some level. I might have been a little bit emotionally unavailable when we first met, since this was my first relationship after my divorce. But, i definitely warmed up, became more affectionate, etc... The funny thing about him is that he seems to like little sentimental acts---he always puts my drawings up on his refrigerator, holds onto things I give him, etc... He talks about me to his parents and always wants to see my parents when they visit. In short, he is not wishy-washy about being my boyfriend (although he was nervous about this stuff initially).

 

He is more introverted than I am and can't look at me in the eyes if he wants to ask ME to go on vacation or something like that. When he has a drink or two in his system, he seems to make more eye contact (not that he is a lush). So, we're dealing with a very shy man here. He is always afraid of risking it. Does this mean that he loves me but just can't bring himself to say it? Well, I'm obviously making excuses for him.

 

Since my freakout/declaration of love a week and a half ago, he has definitely made a few attempts at reaching out (by saying that he missed me, hugging me, making plans, saying he is excited to see me, blabla). So, we'll see whether he can get it together.

 

Does it seem possible for him to eventually admit that he loves me? He said that he was slow about these things...but 2 years?? Man!! That's a world record...

[xxoo]

3x a week may be ok for some, but it is ok for you? It sounds like it is not.

 

I'd guess that he won't change much. At his age, and after 2 years, it is what it is. It is enough for you?

[oldschool1]

Well, ever since my bf finished his graduate program, he has wanted to spend way, way more time with me---up from 3xweek to more like 5 or 6. In fact, I have been the one to hold it back. So strange!! I don't know whether he listened to me when I told him I needed more or what. When he's had less to do in the past, he's NEVER been this available. Interesting. In any case, I will take it to mean that he's letting his guard down or moving to a new level in the relationship. Men are so wacky!!

[InJest]

You are ****ing wacky. You whine about wanting to see him more, and now you're the one putting on the brakes...

 

As for two years being a world record...there's women that never hear it.

[newmoon]

3-4 times sounds about right. i have been with my bf for slightly over a year and we're at 1-2 days per week (and, like you said, week-long vacations sometimes). maybe you don't have enough to fill your time so you're concentrating too much on having him around?? maybe get some more hobbies and interests or just go places alone and it'll pass the time that you're not together faster, and you'll have lots to talk about when you get together :-)

[oldschool1]

Ouch! That was harsh, Injest. I wasn't putting the brakes on. It's only that I have plenty on my plate and can't drop everything every second my boyfriend wants to see me. And, I am not yet accustomed to the DAILY shuttling (from work to his place, to my house, grabbing my dog and unpacking/packing workout clothes and something to wear for the next day, running back to his place, bla bla). Thank God he only lives 18 minutes away!! I am very happy about the recent developments in my relationship and am not interested in yo-yo game playing. New Moon has an excellent point that it's important to avoid becoming preoccupied with one's relationship. While I have a lot to do and am never bored, I do tend to obsess (privately!). It's not a great habit...

 

New Moon, I hear where you're coming from. My relationship has progressed very, very slowly, but the point is that it's progressing. We have gone from weekly dates (but exclusive with each other) to spending most nights together. Perhaps the same is true of your coupledom. I think taking it slowly is wonderful as long as you're both on the same page (i.e. interested in an eventual serious relationship). Have you guys discussed this yet? Is there a particular reason why you took it so slowly?

 

When we first got together, I was scared of running out of things to say to each other. I tended to overtalk to fill conversational gaps. Now, I don't stress about those things. Sometimes we relax without talking, and I am more content with the silence. So, I think that the pressure to "have something to say" dissipated after awhile, and that allowed me to see him more and further our relationship. Of course, there's nothing quite like the electricity of missing each other for a week!! But I found it difficult to maintain the connection when the intervals between seeing each other were so lengthy.

[Ursa]

Different levels of intimacy work for different people.

 

I am a person who enjoys a deep level of intimacy when in a serious, meaningful relationship. I've had more casual relationships where meeting 2-3x per week, maintaining our own homes, and keeping everything very 'datelike' and activity-oriented was the norm, but the emotional connection there was always less meaningful for me. Those were relationships I liked and had fun in, but that never rang any "this is my future" bells for me.

 

In my very serious relationships, the ones that left lasting marks, the ones where we talked about trying to make it forever, I have always been living with the other person by the time we made it to the 2 year mark. We might have still only technically been together 3-4 evenings per week because we might have had classes or evening shifts at work or nights out with friends, etc.--so plenty of individual time-- but we were deeply enmeshed in each other's lives and slept together every night.

 

As xxoo mentioned, 2 years into this relationship with a man old enough to be pretty set in his ways, you can be reasonably sure that what you see is what you get. It is up to you to determine whether that is what you want/need.

[oldschool1]

Thank you for your insight, Ursa. You make some great points. It does seem that a lot of serious couples cohabitate pretty early on. I did this with my ex-husband when we both moved across the country, and my boyfriend moved to a new city to shack up with his ex-wife (after 2 years of semi-long distance). At this point, I would prefer to live apart until marriage/permanent commitment, and I know my boyfriend feels similarly.

 

Now that the frequency has increased for us, I find myself less anxious about the relationship. Basically, he has given me what I wanted (minus the I love you:(). Since our fight 6 weeks ago and my bf's subsequent graduation, he has really started to open up, wants to see me almost twice as much, seems more into affection, and is starting to plan things together farther in the future. We are both very shy about these things, so this is noticeable progress. I'm not joking when I say that it took us over a year to give each other gifts or cards without significant awkwardness/embarrassment. And it took him about 6 months to refer to me as his girlfriend in public, but he always introduces me proudly at every work/family/social event.

 

XXOO and URSA's comments that "What you see is what you get after two years" are certainly apropos, and I am monitoring this issue. However, my boyfriend is truly a slow, slow mover. Since he got so wrecked from his divorce 5 years ago (emotionally and financially), it would take him a long time to commit to something like marriage or living together. And, I don't yet know what I WANT in the future, but I'm pretty sure I would like him in it.

 

Ursa, may I ask how long you were in these casual relationships? I have not encountered such longterm arrangements, but I haven't really dated all that much. This could be typical of very young people or people who have children at home. For people my age (36), it seems unusual to remain in a longterm situation that isn't moving toward something more permanent. I wonder how these relationships end. Obviously, I'm asking because I hope I'm not in one!

[Ursa]

Thank you for your insight, Ursa. You make some great points. It does seem that a lot of serious couples cohabitate pretty early on. I did this with my ex-husband when we both moved across the country, and my boyfriend moved to a new city to shack up with his ex-wife (after 2 years of semi-long distance). At this point, I would prefer to live apart until marriage/permanent commitment, and I know my boyfriend feels similarly.

 

Now that the frequency has increased for us, I find myself less anxious about the relationship. Basically, he has given me what I wanted (minus the I love you:(). Since our fight 6 weeks ago and my bf's subsequent graduation, he has really started to open up, wants to see me almost twice as much, seems more into affection, and is starting to plan things together farther in the future. We are both very shy about these things, so this is noticeable progress. I'm not joking when I say that it took us over a year to give each other gifts or cards without significant awkwardness/embarrassment. And it took him about 6 months to refer to me as his girlfriend in public, but he always introduces me proudly at every work/family/social event.

 

XXOO and URSA's comments that "What you see is what you get after two years" are certainly apropos, and I am monitoring this issue. However, my boyfriend is truly a slow, slow mover. Since he got so wrecked from his divorce 5 years ago (emotionally and financially), it would take him a long time to commit to something like marriage or living together. And, I don't yet know what I WANT in the future, but I'm pretty sure I would like him in it.

 

Ursa, may I ask how long you were in these casual relationships? I have not encountered such longterm arrangements, but I haven't really dated all that much. This could be typical of very young people or people who have children at home. For people my age (36), it seems unusual to remain in a longterm situation that isn't moving toward something more permanent. I wonder how these relationships end. Obviously, I'm asking because I hope I'm not in one!

 

As with levels of intimacy, people have different timelines that suit their comfort zones. Your boyfriend's timeline would be outside my comfort zone, as I would not want to wait around for so long to establish intimacy. Maybe you are more compatible with his timeline...you're more patient than I am, to be sure, although he seems to fall outside of your comfort zone as well. To be clear: I am not faulting him for being understandably gunshy after what sounds like a messy, painful divorce. However, after two years, I would personally need more, and so would obviously be incompatible with him. I am very decisive and like to always be looking forward to something, maintaining some personal momentum.

 

I was a little more casual about living with a meaningful lover when I was younger, though now that I have kids I would be much more cautious taking that step. Obviously some people don't believe in "shacking up" under any circumstances, but it's something I do believe in as a way to both cultivate intimacy and come to a deeper understanding of the real dynamics and natures involved.

 

The more casual activity-oriented dating relationships I have had never reached the two year mark, as I never found them fulfilling enough to keep them going that long. I can't remember all the specifics, but I'd say that my longest of this type of relationship lasted for slightly less than a year. I was younger when I cultivated that type of relationship, mostly in my early or mid 20s, often after a bad breakup when I wasn't ready--or willing--to be emotionally vulnerable.

 

I have mostly seen that type of relationship with people who were, like I was, afraid or unwilling to be vulnerable, or with people who had young children and weren't prepared to bring significant other's into the child's life.

[oldschool1]

Thanks again for the great points, Ursa.

 

Yes, I am on the fence about the whole living together thing. It seems nuts to move directly from seeing each other SOMETIMES to being married, sharing responsibilities, and all that jazz. Living together does encourage a brand of intimacy that dating will never quite allow. On the other hand, I like the idea that you CHOOSE to get married. My ex-husband was Northern European, where it is out of vogue to marry. Many of my ex's friends lived with their girlfriends for years (often unhappily) and then just fell into pregnancy and permanence. When I got married, it was simply the logical step after living together 4 years; I was deep into it by then. Then again, we were young and I didn't always think about repercussions. If I had to do it over again, I would set up shop differently and might have been less lazy about the whole living together thing. Or, I would have called it quits much earlier. Intentions are everything I suppose. It's not that you live together or see each other 7 times a week or are married; it's how you do it. (Yes, I'm working this out in my head)

 

One thing I like about my boyfriend is that he made it clear early on that he wanted a serious relationship. He didn't just say, "Let's hang out tonight and watch tv!" Rather, he planned events and tried to do things right. In fact, he/we waited maybe 10 dates to have sex and is always a gentleman. However, it's hard for him to move beyond his comfort zone. While sex is one of our chief outlets of expression, he finds other forms of intimacy difficult. Recently, he's done more cuddling/touching, and he's become extremely huggy with my dog (who is a smellier extension of me!). He's also gotten better about communication and sends me unsolicited texts/emails and sometimes calls me (something he never used to do). Quite frankly, he comes from a very distant family and doesn't have many true confidants. He probably talks to me a million times more than anyone else.