Saw ex after almost two years

[Phanpooh]

Did you know what exactly what did i do for her ?

I supported her for leaving me! and to delete her guilty, i push her away, show her my bad side, weakness,...

I treat all of my exes with all my respect, and i dun tie anyone with me or let somebody tie me.

But second chance? i dun think about it,,... let me tell you about my dad ( yeah, bad childhood), he left my mom and me ( and again, due to GIGS ) and he came back in her life a few times, but things never worked... after 15y, he came to me and told me how much he loved my mom. i told him, it's just regret, and he is my dad, he MUST deal with it, my mom is great now, we must be happy for her. and then simply have a couple beers with him.

For my parent, with all my heart, i love them but that doesn't mean i could forget what went wrong in 10y a part of my life, and for me, LOVE is not that simple do anything for eachother. When you break sth you love, you dun just throw it away, you fix it, keep it and even it still work or not. When i did something wrong, get failure in life, i dun sit here and scream, i just get up and fight. i never stop loving my exes, but i know, im not what they wanted and if i could be a mistake or their life, i will teach them a lesson, at least i want them value what they had, still hav....

[gibson]

For me...

 

I will fight for my marriage, not for someone I am dating or in a relationship with.

 

When I am dating and in a relationship, I will work, compromise (to a degree), communicate my needs, desires, goals, etc. and listen to their needs, desires, goals, etc. and try to meet them "there". However, I do not "fight" for them or the relationship.

 

Dating / Relationships can start out and end as just that, fun (which is normal, healthy and okay) or it can start out as "fun" and turn into something more. A "courting" process where both of us are trying to find out the answer to a question. Which is, is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

 

If at any point throughout this "process" there is a lot of drama, chaos, etc. and I have to "fight" for their love, attention, time, respect, etc... I don't / won't. For me, I have the answer to my question and break up or end the relationship.

 

Until I make a commitment under oath to them and God... I am not going to "fight" for them, for their love, for their respect, for their commitment or the relationship.

 

The painful truth...

 

A majority of us will date around, be in several long term relationships, go through several break ups before we finally find someone who we end up marrying. No, it's not easy, it can take a long time and at times, can / will be a very painful experience. Or what I like to call "life".

 

Look at it this way...

 

Your Ex could come back one day and you end up happy or you meet someone new who is just as good as the Ex (probably "better") and you end up happy.

 

You can't lose! Either way, you get the happy ending!!!!!

Edited April 18, 2012 by gibson

[dng]

I couldn't imagine being happy dating or in a relationship with either one of you. Your approach, outlook and attitude towards dating / relationships is unhealthy, controlling and manipulative. You don't actually love, care about thier wishes, hopes, dreams or their happiness.

 

Hello. I wrote "People are not prisoners, if they want to leave, so be it". There's a way to breakup with someone, its called you telling them you are breaking up.

 

I just wish she left me instead of going on a break, promising this and that (without me asking) and then just dissappearing.

 

I'm not saying it would have been great, it wouldn't have been, but it would have been great to know where I was standing, instead of spending the better part of a year in suspension.

 

I finally had to take matters in my own hands, instead of thinking like A COUPLE, I had to think like AN INDIVIDUAL, and that took me a while.

 

LS is getting really weird. Or maybe it always was.

[SuperGeek]

 

Is this the person I will spend the rest of my life with?

 

 

Uh. If they walk out the door on me after a significant amount of time and then start having sex with someone else... yeah it's over. Don't care what the reason is. I can't EVER trust them again after that. Time to move on.

 

It's not me being too serious, but rather it's about honesty. I can't ever walk down that isle with them and know I trust them if they can just walk out on me at any given time. I must not mean much to them if they can pull a stunt like that. I'm not going to sign up for failure on purpose!

 

 

A break up or the end of a relationship is not a failure, its a success. It's not a reflection of you, what you have to offer, your self-worth, etc. It's just the answer to that question.

 

 

It's not a success either, but rather writing on the wall in BRIGHT colours that this person is not for you. They can't stay with you now so why would they stay in the future? Life just gets harder as we age and as we take on more responsibility such as a family, kids, a business, etc. If a person can't stick around even in the "courting" phase, they will bail when it gets tough later...

 

 

 

I had 3 wonderful years with my Ex and although I was disappointed it had to end... I loved her, let her go and wished her the best. I truly hope she is happy and finds what she is looking for.

 

If she should come back in 3 years or so I was single and still attracted to her and her as a person... Why wouldn't / shouldn't I?

 

 

Why would you want to be with someone that gave up on you ? What if you marry this woman one day... can you trust 100% she'll stick by your side? Answer honestly. I sure the hell couldn't.

 

 

They valued, respected, cared about and loved their partner in the first relationship, through the break up, while they were broken up and when they got back together and still do all these years later after being married. They both had to figure out what they truly needed / wanted in their own way and own time. In the end, they chose/ choose one another.

 

Perhaps hooking back up with an ex much later in life might work, but I think it would take a LONG TIME. Generally speaking, hooking up with an ex probably within the first 5 years post breakup will result in another failure or a woman walking out the door again. Not enough time has passed for each other to really change all that much. I've tried it and it just doesn't work ( at least for me it doesn't ).

 

I have to admit that I might have some abandonment issues going on in my posts, but my points still remain the same... Can you trust them after they have left you high and dry? After they have had sex with someone else? I certainly can't but it's just me. It's not about being controlling either.. it's about being honest with myself and THEM. I'm not going to lead them down a path that I can't even accept.

 

We are in an era where you get one chance to really not screw up a marriage situation with kids. If a divorce happens then you get to live with being a single parent and dating as a single parent. It can be brutal for men to do that. Not only that, I'd really like to avoid rasising kids as a single parent as it will be hard (probably wouldln't even get to see them). I want to avoid lawyers, custody battles, all the crap the majority of my friends in their 30s are going through right now. Most of them are broke too... the courts have drained their life savings. No way am I signing up for that !!! Hooking back up with a girl who bailed on you in a LTR is a great way to insure you'll be sitting in court at some point.

 

Personally, my view is that if a woman leaves during dating/courting phase, then she has a high probability of leaving later. I'm not willing to risk my future for a person that has already abandoned me in the past. They made their choice. Time for fresh blood at that point. Life is too short to waste anymore time with that person.

 

Thanks for the response BTW.... I enjoyed it though I mostly disagree with your viewpoint.

 

SuperGeek

Edited April 19, 2012 by SuperGeek

[Dark Phoenix]

Hello. I wrote "People are not prisoners, if they want to leave, so be it". There's a way to breakup with someone, its called you telling them you are breaking up.

 

I just wish she left me instead of going on a break, promising this and that (without me asking) and then just dissappearing.

 

I'm not saying it would have been great, it wouldn't have been, but it would have been great to know where I was standing, instead of spending the better part of a year in suspension.

 

I finally had to take matters in my own hands, instead of thinking like A COUPLE, I had to think like AN INDIVIDUAL, and that took me a while.

 

LS is getting really weird. Or maybe it always was.

 

What that there are "EMOTIONALLY MATURE" People giving advice here and not selfish people that are worrying and labeling others as bad evil?

 

A break is a break, she did not tell you how long she was going to be gone for, she came back though and you used her and then dumped her.

 

At any point before that year mark, you could have and should have ended the relationship and walked away of your own free will but you didnt. You placed your free will into the arms of another person and that is not her fault.

 

If you read the stories on these forums, everyone shows compassion for the dumpee's but rarely for the dumpers. These terms are merely labels that people choose to use because they want to feel victim to their own egos being hurt.

 

Gibson's posts are spot on. As my motto goes, "You are your own worst enemy"

[EgoJoe]

Homebrew/Gibson's post have a good logical foundation.

 

But, Wilson/DP/Lulzman get over yourself. You are trying to get other people to take responsibility for other people's emotions on a daily basis. Is that how you've decided to deal with things permanently?

 

Why show empathy to those who did not show it to you, if they "did" like you said in one post about "sparing our feelings" that is not true. People lie because it isn't safe to tell the truth. Not just physical safety, but ego safety. They lie so they don't have to admit that they are pathetic and selfish.

 

e.g. Cheaters who paint people black.

 

When you were angry and off of the deep end you were still more rational.

 

DNG, you did right, maybe it took a while but making the transition to thinking like an individual is a good thing. Not everybody agrees with Wilson/DP.

 

Yeah people change grow up or whatever, if you can't/don't want to/won't etc. get over it, DON'T. But don't give it another unhealthy thought.

[GaelicSoul]

Well I believe wholeheartedly in the phrase,"People don't lie to spare others, people lie to spare themselves!"

[dng]

 

Yeah people change grow up or whatever, if you can't/don't want to/won't etc. get over it, DON'T. But don't give it another unhealthy thought.

 

I'm struggling with this, that's the step where I am at. I want to hope and believe people can change but I know that voice is not sane.

 

I'm sure those word are true and that its the things to do, I'll just creep on creepin' on.

 

I'm not painting her black that much, I'm sure she's perfect for someone else. Just not me.

[GaelicSoul]

DNG, you could always just take things slow, keep very Limited Contact with her. That's of course if you want to.

 

Her actions will speak for themselves over time. But it sounds to me like you have already made up your mind, and for that I wish you the best of luck.

[gibson]

Uh. If they walk out the door on me after a significant amount of time and then start having sex with someone else... yeah it's over. Don't care what the reason is. I can't EVER trust them again after that. Time to move on.

 

The reason why someone broke up or ended the relationship could prove to be helpful if there are some things you can learn from it. It also can be helpful in the healing process too.

 

I agree though, it doesn't really matter when it's all over, said and done.

 

It's not me being too serious, but rather it's about honesty. I can't ever walk down that isle with them and know I trust them if they can just walk out on me at any given time.

 

I hate to break it to you, your wife can walk out on you anytime and there isn't a thing you can do to stop her from doing it.

 

I must not mean much to them if they can pull a stunt like that. I'm not going to sign up for failure on purpose!

 

They no longer think they want to spend forever with you and you think that is a stunt and you believe you are worthless?

 

Have you ever broke up with someone before? Did you hate them or think they were worthless?

 

It's not a success either, but rather writing on the wall in BRIGHT colours that this person is not for you.

 

A break up is a success, even by your standards. The alternative, marrying them and they divorce you.

 

They can't stay with you now so why would they stay in the future?

 

You are entitled to believe that. However, there are countless stories where couples broke up while dating, later got back together, married and stay married.

 

Life just gets harder as we age and as we take on more responsibility such as a family, kids, a business, etc. If a person can't stick around even in the "courting" phase, they will bail when it gets tough later...

 

So people only break up when it's hard and if they get back together they always leave?

 

I can name you 7 happily married couples who broke up and later married. That alone, disproves your theory.

 

Why would you want to be with someone that gave up on you ?

 

You are proving my point... It's all about you!

 

If someone breaks up, that means there is something wrong with you and that is the only reason why someone breaks up? Whoever you date, they have to stay with you no matter what?

 

In your world, it's all about what you want, need and desire and you think a break up is a reflection about you, what you have to offer and your self-worth.

 

Through my early to late 20s I broke up and ended several relationships. I didn't do it because I was being selfish or there was someone wrong with the person I was with. I broke and ended the relationships because I actually cared about the person I was with. They wanted to take things to another "level" or get married. I wasn't in a place or ready to take it to another "level" or get married for a whole host of reasons and none of those had a single thing to do with the person I was with.

 

We both started dating and entered into the relationship for the same reasons... We liked each other, we had fun together, etc. At some point, they wanted more than I could give and when that was clear, I ended it. It was just bad timing, not because there was something wrong with the person I was dating or in a relationship with.

 

What if you marry this woman one day... can you trust 100% she'll stick by your side? Answer honestly. I sure the hell couldn't.

 

You don't know if any women you marry will stay by your side. You are more concerned about them leaving and I bet that comes across in a million ways when you are dating someone.

 

I have dated women who are like you. They didn't care about me as a person and I didn't feel as though I was special / wanted. They were the most insecure, jealous, smothering, controlling, manipulative people I have ever dated. It was all about them and their feelings and I just felt like a "cardboard cutout" who was on trial and with a hung jury.

 

Perhaps hooking back up with an ex much later in life might work, but I think it would take a LONG TIME. Generally speaking, hooking up with an ex probably within the first 5 years post breakup will result in another failure or a woman walking out the door again. Not enough time has passed for each other to really change all that much. I've tried it and it just doesn't work ( at least for me it doesn't ).

 

I know you are generalizing here but finally, something you are saying that I agree with.

 

It takes time for the dumpee to get over the sadness, disappointment, hurt and anger of the break up. It also takes time for the dumper to take the steps, make the changes, etc. that would need to occur for them to be where they need to be to ensure things are different the second time around. For most, years is probably a good estimate.

 

I have to admit that I might have some abandonment issues going on in my posts, but my points still remain the same...

 

You abandonment issues? I would have never guessed that.

 

Can you trust them after they have left you high and dry? After they have had sex with someone else? I certainly can't but it's just me.

 

You are certainly entitled to feel that way. I myself, have not gotten back together with an Ex that lead to a LTR nor have I married one. When I did try again with Exes, it wasn't due to the break up, it was due to them changing or what I was looking for changing.

 

It's not about being controlling either.. it's about being honest with myself and THEM. I'm not going to lead them down a path that I can't even accept.

 

You are unwilling and unable to give someone who broke up with you an honest second chance. You are noble for being true to yourself and not taking advantage of someone.

 

We are in an era where you get one chance to really not screw up a marriage situation with kids. If a divorce happens then you get to live with being a single parent and dating as a single parent. It can be brutal for men to do that.

 

I am a guy and if you ask me, generally the burden is a lot harder on a women than it is for a man.

 

Not only that, I'd really like to avoid rasising kids as a single parent as it will be hard (probably wouldln't even get to see them). I want to avoid lawyers, custody battles, all the crap the majority of my friends in their 30s are going through right now. Most of them are broke too... the courts have drained their life savings. No way am I signing up for that !!!

 

Throwing caution to the wind and going into a marriage without taking an honest look at who you are marrying is not a wise thing to do, I agree.

 

However, even good people end up divorced. The only way you can guarantee that this does not happen is to not marry or have kids.

 

There is also something you are forgetting. My mother got cancer when she was 35 and had a long tough battle she finally lost at the age of 41. My father didn't know that was going to happen and there was nothing he could do to prevent it either. He was single parent with 5 kids and later remarried and still happy 20+ years later.

 

Hooking back up with a girl who bailed on you in a LTR is a great way to insure you'll be sitting in court at some point.

 

I would say it has a better chance of ending in a break up and doubtful it would end up in marriage.

 

Personally, my view is that if a woman leaves during dating/courting phase, then she has a high probability of leaving later.

 

Another generalization, but I agree with you. I also think this applies to both genders as well, not just women.

 

I'm not willing to risk my future for a person that has already abandoned me in the past.

 

Abandoning you?

 

Do you honestly think and feel that about everyone who comes in and out of your life. Friends, GFs, etc.?

 

You might want to take a deeper look into your abandonment issues or go talk to a professional about it.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

 

 

 

Dating / Relationships is a "courting" period where two people should have the freedom, time and space to answer a question.

 

The question...

 

Is this the person I will spend the rest of my life with?

 

A break up or the end of a relationship is not a failure, its a success. It's not a reflection of you, what you have to offer, your self-worth, etc. It's just the answer to that question.

 

This

Is

 

FANTASTIC!

 

It should be shouted from the rooftops!

 

Thank you for that moment of clarity. Could not have come at a better time.

[Snow-white]

I agree! People make mistake! Give her a chance!! She has grown and might see things differently. I even think that the fact you two met and had an open talk and that she listened to your words is GREAT! That's adult-like! That shows caring for the other no matter what happened. By the way, my ex husband was 26 and I was 19 when we met. Together for 11 years before I make a terrible mistake and I left at 30... I miss him every day. Trying to work things out. So your story gives me hope too! THANK YOU! You know, all those years that you were together, all the experiences of ups and downs, no one can take that from you or compare it!

[rob_h]

No I don't see that. I see that I barely escaped alive a breakup that was a year in the making, I kept my chin up and my hopes up and I gave it my 100%.

 

I find it absurd that she would only comes back when I lost all hope and I also find it suspicious.

 

She turned into a horrible person for so long that I can only see that side of her now, and it SUCKS for me and it SUCKS for her.

 

I'm doing what I can with the tools I have. The situation is difficult for everyone involved.

 

 

You still F***ed her though. You are ignoring that part.

[dng]

You still F***ed her though. You are ignoring that part.

 

Yeah. I dreamed of it for two years.

[rob_h]

Yeah. I dreamed of it for two years.

 

Brilliant. So, what? You were just getting what you were "owed"? Are you for real?

[dng]

Brilliant. So, what? You were just getting what you were "owed"? Are you for real?

 

And are you? I wasnt owed anything, what does that have to do with anything, why would you even bring that idea in there?

 

It just happened. Jesus. You never had sex with an ex? Can you see how that would happen?

[rob_h]

And are you? I wasnt owed anything, what does that have to do with anything, why would you even bring that idea in there?

 

It just happened. Jesus. You never had sex with an ex? Can you see how that would happen?

 

 

Of course I can see how it would happen. But after everything you're saying about her it seems like you pretty much used her for your own needs- especially if she didn't thinks sex was a good idea.

 

And I was just highlighting your fairly obnoxious response to me saying you had slept with her. "Yeah, I dreamed of it" doesn't exactly sound like valid justification for it.