Saw ex after almost two years

[dng]

Well, I agreed to meet and she actually came this time.

 

We agreed to meet many times but she had never actually taken the trip before. She spent a night and it was mostly me doing the talking. I told her everything, how much she let me down and how painful and hellish things were after she left. We'd been together for 9 years and she just left out of the blue, asking for a break, but she started dating and never came back, never explained anything. She cried alot but mostly listened and took it.

 

She said she really wanted to leave for a month or so and come back and never planned things to end up that way. She met someone and got into things and when it was over, she realised I would probably never take her back because of how mad I was that she had lied about it and that she actually did that instead of a "break" like she had asked for and that I had agreed on.

 

The two years changed her, she looks gaunt now, and very pale - but still very attractive.

 

She admitted she thought it she deserved someone better at the time, and figured it would be easy to find it, but never did. I told her when she left she didnt know how good she had it and how hard it could be out there to find someone that loves you as much as you love them, someone with whom you get along great and someone that has your back.

 

She told me she dated three guys, the first one cheated on her with her friend, the second one was a dickish and she just dumped him and she said the third one was perfect but there was no spark and it just whitered away.

 

She left because I was straying away from the relationship. I wasnt doing good and I needed help and couldnt get myself to ask her, to show a weakness. She said she regrets everyday that she couldnt take the load and help me back on the right track but she cannot change the past.

 

She said she never stopped thinking about us, sometimes every minute of every day and I asked her why she was looking for a boyfriend then - I dont think she found an answer to give me. She said nothing lasted more than 2 or 3 months and she never loved anyone, she just wanted company.

 

I asked her why it took two years before she finally made the trip and she said she tried 10s of times and couldnt get herself to confront me, she would get too anxious and sick and would cancel at the last minute. She's actually done this probably 20 times, promise to come and just back out at the last minute.

 

I dont know that I can believe anything she says.

 

We had sex right before she left - she refused at first, saying it was inappropriate - but finally relented to her own needs as well. I had been dreaming of it for 2 years and it felt pretty good, but for some reason it also felt like it wasnt her, even if she still has all the same moves.

 

To be honest, I was pretty blunt with her and I felt rather distant. She said she thinks things went well, that the ice is now broken and she could easily come back for more visits.

 

My answer was that the ball is in my camp and I need to decide what I want.

 

What do y'all think? I'm concerned she would do the same thing again, be unhappy and leave. She always blamed me for everything that went wrong but now that she's been on her own for a while, she realizes its hard for her to experience happiness and that it had nothing to do with me.

 

I'm also concerned that we live in different cities now, she has a job, goes to school and generally has a life that I know nothing about there, and its the same for me here.

 

I'm still single too, I dated a bunch of girls but nothing worked out and I havent fell for anyone else in two years. As much as I am mad at her for what she did, it was pretty obvious how well we get along and how much we still laugh in the face of everything together.

 

I'm concerned that if i were to tell her to come back, she would start being unreliable again, dissappear like she did so many times over the course of two years, make plans with me and then back out at the last minute, and just general lies and sketchiness about everything.

 

What do y'all think?

[wilsonx]

You continue to paint her black, evil, and a liar, move on

Edited April 16, 2012 by wilsonx

[dng]

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

 

Pretty selfish post. You showed no empathy towards her. Everything is about you and how you felt. I dont think you deserve her.

 

You continue to paint her black, evil, and a liar, move on

 

I do feel very selfish. I have not been doing well in those past two years. I've become selfish, scared, scarred and rather dark.

 

I've made and lost alot of friends, been acting rather weirdly as well.

 

I just realized a girl I know just blocked me on facebook because of something I wrote to her.

 

As for my ex, dont be mad at me for being mad at her. Its very hard for me to believe anything she says, but you are right that I thought only of me and nothing of what she feels.

 

Keep in mind she lied about everything. Maybe I'm just crazy now, I seriously dont know where I am anyone.

 

As for deserving her or not, I couldnt tell you either. I had her back for so long, I patiently helped her out of so many ditches in the past and helped her get the focus she needed. She is very smart and very capable, but was very lost when we met.

 

I dont know where I stand really, I dont feel so hot right now. Today I texted 3 new friends and no one answered me.

 

I think that I might have completely lost my way.

[Fitz]

You continue to paint her black, evil, and a liar, move on

 

Wilson, I gotta say that I love your posts man! Straight up no BS!

 

And I gotta agree. OP is not ready for that jelly.

[Fitz]

So she cheated on you and then left to go date other people?

 

Did the cheating involve sex?

 

Multiple partners?

[dng]

So she cheated on you and then left to go date other people?

 

Did the cheating involve sex?

 

Multiple partners?

 

Not sure what you mean. We got distant and she asked for a break, a month or two and never came back.

 

If you call seeing someone and having sex with them while on a break cheating, then yes she cheated, otherwise no, she didnt.

 

As for her sex life in general, I didnt ask, wouldnt ask, and I dont know.

[immitable]

Well, I agreed to meet and she actually came this time.

 

She left because I was straying away from the relationship. I wasnt doing good and I needed help and couldnt get myself to ask her, to show a weakness.

 

The question is, have you changed and recognized your part in the breakup?

[dng]

The question is, have you changed and recognized your part in the breakup?

 

Yeah. I did a 8 months stint of therapy and I can't wait to go back there. I have changed alot in two years. In some ways I'm better, in some ways I'm the same, in some ways I'm worse.

 

What I still have a hard time doing is managing my emotions, I get submerged and can't see clearly at times.

 

I know why she left now, it took me a very long time to see it. I still think we could have worked it out, she says the same.

 

She expresses alot of regrets and she has been stalled too.

[dng]

I'm not angry that she left. People are not prisoners, if someone is not happy and they dont see a solution, dissolution of the union is the only solution.

 

I'm angry that she left the way she did.

 

It seems I triggered something with my post, the reactions are not what I expected. I take that as a sign I might be headed in the wrong direction.

 

I really dont know what to do with her. She didnt offer anything anyway, she thinks I probably can't get over what happened.

[wilsonx]

Are you angry at her? Or are you angry at yourself? (Sit on this one for a while)

[dng]

Are you angry at her? Or are you angry at yourself? (Sit on this one for a while)

 

Fair enough. And while I'm doing that, ask yourself why you are reacting like you are to the news of me seeing her after all this time and how I handled it.

 

It was a very cold reception, to say the least.

 

Sit on it on for while as well.

[wilsonx]

I dont have to sit on it, you are doing the same thing she is doing except she has found the "light" You haven't yet.

[dng]

I dont have to sit on it, you are doing the same thing she is doing except she has found the "light" You haven't yet.

 

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean and I really feel lost.

[gibson]

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean and I really feel lost.

 

You do realize that people make mistakes and learn from them don't you?

 

Not only that, her mistakes caused her a great deal of pain and suffering. Not only from ruining what you two had but from what she experienced out there thinking the Grass was Greener.

 

You sound young so I am guessing that you and your Ex started dating at an early age and dated for 9 years. Sounds to me like she had G.I.G.S. and like many, had to mature, grow up and learn some life lessons in her own way and in her own time... the hard way.

 

I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do but I will tell you she seems like she has matured, she was extremely forthcoming and honest about everything.

 

If you still do not like what you have heard, don't believe her, resent her and are unwilling to consider get over / forgiving her for what happened...

 

Tell her that ship has sailed and go about your life.

[dng]

You do realize that people make mistakes and learn from them don't you?

 

Not only that, her mistakes caused her a great deal of pain and suffering. Not only from ruining what you two had but from what she experienced out there thinking the Grass was Greener.

 

You sound young so I am guessing that you and your Ex started dating at an early age and dated for 9 years. Sounds to me like she had G.I.G.S. and like many, had to mature, grow up and learn some life lessons in her own way and in her own time... the hard way.

 

I wish I was still young. I'm 37 now. We started dating when I was 26 and she was 19, she left at 28 and I was 35.

[gibson]

I wish I was still young. I'm 37 now. We started dating when I was 26 and she was 19, she left at 28 and I was 35.

 

Hello?!?!?!?!

 

She never dated anyone but you and her need / desire to experience life outside of a "forever" relationship with you took over (GIGS).

 

If she was a typical 19 year old, she would have dated around, been in several long term relationships, etc. and learned what she now knows a long time ago.

 

Had you married her, you two would have ended up divorced because of GIGS. Go look in the divorce / marriage forums. The people who get together young and marry... A lot of them in their late 20's / early 30's wonder if they made the right choice, missed out, etc. due to lack of personal experience in the dating world.

 

I'm not saying what she did was right... I am just describing the dynamic of what was going through her head before the two of broke up. Now that she is on the other side of this GIGS experience, she clearly sees that the Grass was not Greener and her "pursuit" of it was meaningless, unfulfilling and empty.

 

As I have said many times... Pain is life's greatest teacher.

 

If you want her, she will not take you for granted again and will be yours forever.

Edited April 16, 2012 by gibson

[dng]

If you want her, she will not take you for granted again and will be yours forever.

 

I agree she would have left anyway, in my opinion. She herself was straying a few years ago and that's when I moved to this city and left gave. I had given her a choice, if she wanted commitment it was there, otherwise we could split amicably, and we did. A few weeks later she plead with me to stay together, how she regretted, she moved here as well, and the rest, well. She left 4 years later.

 

The problem is that she's not here now, she's back in our hometown. She's still hanging out with the guys she dated. She's lied often and alot in the past, she would tend to negociate with me and we would find a compromise, but then she's go and do whatever she wanted anyway.

 

Yea people change, but do they change that much?

 

I feel like I would be a fool to ever give her a chance again, but its super hard because even after almost 2 years, nothing has changed between us in the feelings department.

[gibson]

Hanging around to me could mean a lot of things. Are they friends or is it more? These are some of the questions I would have. Also, I don't get understand or get involved in LDRs either so the fact she lives somewhere else poses an issue for you also.

 

You said she neglected you but you also said that you were "straying away" (cheating?) and neglected her also. Why do you get a free pass and she doesn't?

 

Can and do people change? Sure.

 

I have dated in been in LTRs with several women. If some of them were single, I would be honored to date them again. It wasn't that either of us were perfect and we didn't make mistakes... Just bad timing and we both had some growing up to do.

 

Now that I am older and ready to settle down, my taste, preference and what I am looking for is different that what it was when I wasn't looking to settle down.

[dng]

 

If you still do not like what you have heard, don't believe her, resent her and are unwilling to consider get over / forgiving her for what happened...

 

Tell her that ship has sailed and go about your life.

 

Its not that I like or dislike what I hear, I wanna hear it all. The usual on LS is the NC rally cry and I admit that I was expecting that.

 

I just hoped so much for her return, for over a year, until I spoke to her mom who told me she was still seeing sime dude even tho she told me she wasn't, etc, etc.

 

I built a wall so high around anything that has to do with her that I effectively locked myself out. The pain of losing her is something I wouldnt wish to anyone one, friend or foe.

 

Now it looks like she's experiencing some pain of her own.

 

My final thought, for now, is that timing is a bitch. If one day I'm ready for her again, it will be too late. She's 30 and she wants a family bad. She will be actively looking for someone to provide that, and she's told me a few things on that topic.

 

She doesnt want kids with someone she hasnt dated at least a year.. And she wouldnt mind even if she didnt love the guy.. That last comment made me cringe, because it sounded like the guy she doesnt have to love could be me...

[dng]

Hanging around to me could mean a lot of things. Are they friends or is it more? These are some of the questions I would have. Also, I don't get understand or get involved in LDRs either so the fact she lives somewhere else poses an issue for you also.

 

You said she neglected you but you also said that you were "straying away" (cheating?) and neglected her also. Why do you get a free pass and she doesn't?

 

Can and do people change? Sure.

 

I have dated in been in LTRs with several women. If some of them were single, I would be honored to date them again. It wasn't that either of us were perfect and we didn't make mistakes... Just bad timing and we both had some growing up to do.

 

Now that I am older and ready to settle down, my taste, preference and what I am looking for is different that what it was when I wasn't looking to settle down.

 

She said only friends, nothing physical, and will get somewhat dispaired that I raise an eyebrow over that, its like she's not strong enought to even try and begin to explain, because she knows anything she tells me might make me cringe and I might not forget. I realize she's trying hard to navigate into an effective mine field.

 

We loved and hurt each other with great passion and intensity over the years. She has a trap in the back of her head where she can just shovel everything and forget, and I dont have that tool. That's the "free pass" you're talking about.

 

I wasnt cheating. I was just not home often, with my buddies and such. I would sleep home however and still do things around the house and hang out with her as well. She fell abandonned and left because she was sure I was going to leave her. At least, that's what she says now.

 

I know I made mistakes, but one thing I never did is ditch her, ignore her and torture her mentally for a year.

[Fitz]

She's still hanging out with the guys she dated. She's lied often and alot in the past, she would tend to negociate with me and we would find a compromise, but then she's go and do whatever she wanted anyway.

 

Yea people change, but do they change that much?

 

I feel like I would be a fool to ever give her a chance again, but its super hard because even after almost 2 years, nothing has changed between us in the feelings department.

 

I know how you feel, man.

If she's changed then you MIGHT have a shot at happiness.

But if she hasn't learned any discipline since the split, then she'll never be yours. Some new D-bag will walk into her life, whisper some pretty lines in her ear, and then she'll be hiding her emails and swearing she's in love again. And then she'll be on that horse again, riding for the green grass -and out the door.

 

But that's life. It's a gamble.

[Fitz]

Hanging around to me could mean a lot of things. Are they friends or is it more? These are some of the questions I would have. Also, I don't get understand or get involved in LDRs either so the fact she lives somewhere else poses an issue for you also.

Agreed.

 

LDRs don't work unless its a very short term situation. The longer the LDR, the worse the chance of survival.

 

And "Dudes hanging around" are my #1 red flag. Every time I've been cheated on, its always been those f****** "dudes hanging around." And I've seen it from a mile away every time.

[gibson]

Sounds like breaking up with you is a deal breaker even if you were both young immature, made the same mistakes, etc.

 

It would be unfair of you to pursue anything with her, you wouldn't want to be guilty of committing the same "crime" she did to you.

Edited April 17, 2012 by gibson

[dng]

Sounds like breaking up with you is a deal breaker even if you were both young immature, made the same mistakes.

 

It would be unfair of you to pursue anything with her, you wouldn't want to be guilty of committing the same "crime" she did to you.

 

Breaking with me would have been great, she never did. She went on a break, was supposed to help me move and come hang out every weekend, we had set a framework and she just never called back or came back.

 

I just called her and ended it anyway. I can't deal with this.

[gibson]

Good for you, sounds like you made the right decision for the both of you.

 

Onward and Upward!