Shamrock13 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Hi All I will try and make this brief as Im sure most of you have heard or experienced much of this. I was in a relationship for the past 6 years. She is a wonderful person absolutely beautiful in every regard, wonderful mother to her girls, great sense of humor, bright. But she came from a mentally, and physically and controlling marriage before me. The first 2 years were great than started to notice some things. Withdrawing from me and us, different cell phone patterns, work and other events all of a sudden popping up. confront her on this and after couple times she tells me its depression. So I start studying this so I can try and help and be there for her. One night I even thought it was me causing her a burden and was leaving she came after me literally balling arms tight around me shaking and freaking dont go, its not you. Any way find out 2 weeks later she was cheating on me with her boss. That for me has always been a deal breaker, told her it was over that she disgusted me and walked away. Initially couple months devistated but came around and got better. And during the next year realized what and why she did what she did. And to sum up because of what she went through with her marraige. She was always one to keep things bottled up and not express things and run from them. And constantly beat herself up. We are our worst critics but she was very hard on herself. So about a year later I get call and its her wanting to talk, I agree and she comes over. She instantly runs into my arms and says she misses me. After a few minutes I push back and tell her I love her and missed her too, that I could forgive but not forget. And that this had to be done right this time. That we communicate not hide and give up that I couldnt take loosing her and the girls again. And that it would be hard. Also that I had been dating someone for 2 months and had to end that before anything could happen. The girl I was involved with at the time was 12 years younger and though she was nice person I knew it was not gonna last. So I ended it and got back together with my ex. Things were great the first month than I started to notice some things. She use to contact me 2 to 3 times a day by text or phone and at least once a day I would hear from her, miss you or love you. We use to see each other 3 to 4 times a week minimal, now it was once every week to 2 weeks. I was included with everything with the girls and we were like a family, now I was lucky to see them twicw a month and being left out of or finding out about things last. We use to have an active sex life, probably 90 percent of the nights we were together. Now was having sex once every 3 to 5 weeks. Also she use to be very affectionate when we were alone. If I was already sitting down when she did it had to be right beside me, when we went to bed sex or not she always grabbed me to cuddle and I mean ALWAYS. All of this had stopped. And anytime expressed this and tried to talk about fixing it, us going to counciling she would always hide from it and act as if nothing wrong and just carry on. Sometimes things would be good for a month than right back to it. There was a good length about 4 months one summer than right back. Recently for march break there was a family trip to florida which I could not go because of work, I told her to still go with our friends and the kids. No sense in the girls missing out cause I cant go. This was in January heard nothing more about the trip or anything till 3 days before they left. When she told me this I was upset and expressed that to her, saying why she wouldnt tell me the details as she found out, why I was being last to know. I didnt even get to see her or the girls before they left, than when she gets back get a text. Your not happy so im not happy dont know if I can do this. I responded saying Im happy but that she did something inconsiderate and why are we not trying to work it out. The next text was your just making this harder, I just dont know I feel smothered please just give me time and space. I replied back that her last text confused me, I asked is it over or do you just need space or both. She never replied back. I gave it a week than text I missed her and was she ready to talk yet....and still nothing. Please understand I am generally a good judge of people, its part of my job and though some of my friends believed she used me the second time for money and comfort. I dont think so, I believe she has got a good heart and she needs to deal with the trauma from her past marraige and get healthy. And I am not the kind of person to be shy or have trouble meeting woman so its not that. But right now I am so confused and devistated. Yes I want her back, I believe we have something real and special, I miss the kids. But I dont even know if its over, whats going on. And I want to get it over and move on or if theres a chance we can repair this than take that avenue. I have a lot of stuff still at the house she owes me some money. Do I ask for my personal things and money back or will that hurt any chance of reconciling. I have read about NC and some other things and really other than the 2 texts have not talked to her for 3 weeks. What can I do
Philosoraptor Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 First let me say that it is never our responsibility to fix another. You found ways to validate what she did rather than accept them for what they are. If you want my honest opinion (mind you this is just speculation based on what I've seen here in the past), you were a stopgap this time around. I haven't a clue what happened in the time apart but I'd assume she was with someone (maybe the person she was cheating with) and that ended not long before she came running back. Seems that you may have just been a soft place to land rather than having to struggle out there alone and take responsibility for our actions. Seems that she is keeping you at arms length at best so she doesn't get too attached if she decides to bolt again. Her texting at the end shows you her intentions.
Author Shamrock13 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Thanks Philosoraptor for the reply and opinion. During the first seperation she was with her boss who she cheated on me with. And he was just a skirt chaser at the office and dumped her. Few of my friends said the same thing I was comfort and money for her at first and she kept me distanced so not to get totally absorbed and be able to get out. Do you think I should break NC and ask for a day to get my things out of the house and communicate my intentions to get my money back. Or wait with NC longer to be in a better state of mind to approach
Author Shamrock13 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Would anyone else feel like giving me some input, possibly a females perspective
Philosoraptor Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Thanks Philosoraptor for the reply and opinion. During the first seperation she was with her boss who she cheated on me with. And he was just a skirt chaser at the office and dumped her. Few of my friends said the same thing I was comfort and money for her at first and she kept me distanced so not to get totally absorbed and be able to get out. Do you think I should break NC and ask for a day to get my things out of the house and communicate my intentions to get my money back. Or wait with NC longer to be in a better state of mind to approach If you ask her to get your things out, make sure not to let the conversation stray from that. If she does not allow you to retrieve your items you will need to get a police escort. Do you have proof that she owes you money? If not, and if she does not play fair... that could end up as a loss, sadly.
Author Shamrock13 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Hi Philosoraptor Yeah I have proof of about 6500 of what she owes me. Normally other than my clothes and possesions at the house I wouldnt care about any of the money, things happen in love and life. But because of what Im hearing from my friends and yourself, if she used me for an in between or money and comfort. Part of me wants to show her that if that is what she did that she isnt going to get away unscathed and she needs to be held accountable. And the other part of me that wants to believe she didnt use me for comfort and money. That shes hurting and needs to get help, that she might come back. wants to just let the money go and see what happens
Philosoraptor Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Ah, I had the same opportunity. I could have taken her for upwards of 50k that she would have legally owed me. I had the opportunity to ruin her credit and future. I then realized my guilt for doing so would outweigh any amount of money so I just ate it and let it go. I received zero appreciation for doing so and still was apparantly the horrible bad guy and possibly the antichrist. All that matters is how it makes you feel.
Author Shamrock13 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Thanks Phjlosoraptor What you just said really hits close to home. This is my first time here and I not too savvy with computers so I dont know how to add things to conversations yet. I recently posted another thread titled 3rd party contact need input. Its a new development that happened last night would appreciate your opinion on it.
Recommended Posts