zoomzoom Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So I woke up this morning with a text from my ex asking if it would be ok to send a 12' school picture of her daughter to my parents and my aunt. I realized today is the two month mark right on the dot since we split. We have had very limited contact since then. I broke down and called, we talked for about two hours and it was a good call. She has done nothing that she wanted to do (changes) since the split and stopped working on her GED to top it off. She told me how unhappy she was back at her parents house and that she missed not having a companion to share things with like we used to have. She said shes wanted to call several times but knew it would not be healthy. I opened up again to her and told her how I felt and what I have learned about myself since then and that I was still open to giving things another go. She could not say if thats what she would want, any relationship is off the table as of now with her. She said she felt things would be stronger if we did get back by taking time and improving our selfs. She just is not on the same page I am right now, she said her feelings had not chnaged but yet she missed me and aspects of the relationship. She said she was going to get mental help, she needs it and said she was when we split but instead she said she was just talking about things with her friends. I offered myself again and she knows I have always stuck with her but she did not want that right now. As the call wraped up, she said she felt much better about me and knowing how I stood with things and said that I gave her a boost of motivation. Later in the day after my head was full from this call I decided to text her and let her know I was going no contact. I said unless you have a change of heart, you know my feelings dont contact me. She sent back that she understood and was good with that and wished the best. My questions are Odd how she texts me on the 2month nose on the dot, why? And I wonder if I messed up any chance of a future by going NC, I know its best for me but if I cant be there for her as a friend will that kill the connection? In my head I think after sending that, If I would have just stuck with her LC being her friend she would have a chance to appreciate that and see what she does not have. Two months later and this wont end!!! I doubt I will hear from her now unless she changes her mind but I'm not banking on it.
fucpcg Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I think you two did very well with the conversation, and if you do want to grow together, now is the time to be in communication, not in NC. Could it be challenging? Yes, but we don't grow by choosing the easy and avoidance route.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 She will find some other lame excuse to contact you. She could have just mailed the pictures; why did she have to seek your permission for that? It was just an excuse to see if you were still swooning over her. Her life isn't working out the way she wanted and needed an ego boost. You played right into her hands. And even added an extra text to let her know there will be NC since she knows how you feel. You should have ignored. 2
Author zoomzoom Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 I think you two did very well with the conversation, and if you do want to grow together, now is the time to be in communication, not in NC. Could it be challenging? Yes, but we don't grow by choosing the easy and avoidance route. Really? But she does not want to be together at this time. She wants to be by herself and do what she needs to do. It's hard for me to play that role as a "friend" when it hurts not being together. I did say for a while in the NC route, not forever.
fucpcg Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 She contacted you, right? You don't have to go running back, just no need to go back in hiding. I was dating a girl, sorta, for about 5 months. We were both coming from tough places, so we were both definitely not looking to rush into relationship. We hit a rough patch, and ended all communication for 2 months. I knew neither one meant to hurt the other, I knew that we were both struggling, just like I knew it when we first got together. After the cooling down period, I contacted her. I apologized, she did as well, we talked about it, and just talked, the last two days for a good 5 hours. I'm not looking to hookup, I'm not looking to get back together, I'm not not looking either. We have a history, I like this girl, I have no ill feelings, and I don't want to be estranged with her either. 1
HollyBolly Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Zoom? Listen to me very carefully. You received advice from 2 people on this thread. One a man. One a woman. If I understand it correctly, you wanted to know what your ex, who is a woman, is thinking. Now, would you listen to the man's advice? Or to the woman's? The ball is now in your court, sir.
fucpcg Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Zoom? Listen to me very carefully. A bit dramatic perhaps? A bit confrontational, a bit drastic, a bit ridiculous perhaps? Is it that important that your feedback be taken very carefully??? THere are a gazillion people in here, that all have different feedback, and nobody's posts in here are that defining, that earth shaking. I think you are taking your opinion too highly. If my advice doesn't work for him, so be it. Yours is as equally non crucial to the meaning of his life for the next 50 years as mine. Come off your high horse.
Frank13 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I decided to text her and let her know I was going no contact. I said unless you have a change of heart, you know my feelings dont contact me. She sent back that she understood and was good with that and wished the best. Translation of how she took it - "I still love you and this is too painful for me so I am going NC, but I will be here if you ever decide you want to try again". Her thoughts - "Great I can date a bunch of guys and if it doesn't work out, my ex will take me back. Now I can really move forward". 4
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Translation of how she took it - "I still love you and this is too painful for me so I am going NC, but I will be here if you ever decide you want to try again". Her thoughts - "Great I can date a bunch of guys and if it doesn't work out, my ex will take me back. Now I can really move forward". You nailed it, Frank.
HollyBolly Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 A bit dramatic perhaps? A bit confrontational, a bit drastic, a bit ridiculous perhaps? Is it that important that your feedback be taken very carefully??? THere are a gazillion people in here, that all have different feedback, and nobody's posts in here are that defining, that earth shaking. I think you are taking your opinion too highly. If my advice doesn't work for him, so be it. Yours is as equally non crucial to the meaning of his life for the next 50 years as mine. Come off your high horse. And I'm the one who's confrontational?
HollyBolly Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Translation of how she took it - "I still love you and this is too painful for me so I am going NC, but I will be here if you ever decide you want to try again". Her thoughts - "Great I can date a bunch of guys and if it doesn't work out, my ex will take me back. Now I can really move forward". Haha...Perfect!
Jono85 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Bewithced and Frank pretty much summed up the fail that it was. time to start over and not give in to her the next time she senses her backup plan (you) is getting over her. 1
Chi townD Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Dude, the only thing you did was give her an ego boost, which is EXACTLY what you gave her. She even admitted it. Due, you owe her nothing. Stay NC. Fix yourself, heal and do great things and have great adventures.
Author zoomzoom Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 She contacted you, right? You don't have to go running back, just no need to go back in hiding. I was dating a girl, sorta, for about 5 months. We were both coming from tough places, so we were both definitely not looking to rush into relationship. We hit a rough patch, and ended all communication for 2 months. I knew neither one meant to hurt the other, I knew that we were both struggling, just like I knew it when we first got together. After the cooling down period, I contacted her. I apologized, she did as well, we talked about it, and just talked, the last two days for a good 5 hours. I'm not looking to hookup, I'm not looking to get back together, I'm not not looking either. We have a history, I like this girl, I have no ill feelings, and I don't want to be estranged with her either. She has been the one to contact me over thats two months very LC, I dont take the bate just very short replys. She was very clear that she missed me and what we had but also clear she has not changed her mind. We were together for 5 years, lots of history there.. I even said to her how can yous witch off to a freind after that long, thats when she said she looked at me as a friend even when we were together!!! wtf!! Maybe down the road... Translation of how she took it - "I still love you and this is too painful for me so I am going NC, but I will be here if you ever decide you want to try again". Her thoughts - "Great I can date a bunch of guys and if it doesn't work out, my ex will take me back. Now I can really move forward". You got half of that right I'm sure, dating other guys is not what she wants. She has been clear she wants to be alone to work on herself, Im sure its possible but I doubt thats in her cards at this point. She said when shes happy with herself and ready to date she would want to reconsider looking at "us" Dude, the only thing you did was give her an ego boost, which is EXACTLY what you gave her. She even admitted it. Due, you owe her nothing. Stay NC. Fix yourself, heal and do great things and have great adventures. True! I know I did, I'm glad if its a boost in the right direction for her. I hope she gets the help that she needs. But you are right, NC is best my mind has been running laps since we talked. I need to get over her and get her out of my head
Jono85 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 just to be clear, i don't care how much you think you know her and trust her, "i want to be single right now/don't want to date" has no correlation to a girls actual feelings on dating. no girl after a long relationship and after dumping someone she really cares about and someone who is heartbroken, would say "well i'm pretty ready to get out there and date some other guys". you even said she's seen you as a friend for a long time now. it doesn't really matter at this point, but don't be naive and take her at her word. history would suggest that girls generally lie about that and sometimes even want to believe it, out of guilt. but very often a girl (and guys) is ready and willing if they stumble upon the right guy. in summary, pretend she's never coming back, and start the healing process; you will recover/feel great again, in time. and obv maintain NC!! 1
Author zoomzoom Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 just to be clear, i don't care how much you think you know her and trust her, "i want to be single right now/don't want to date" has no correlation to a girls actual feelings on dating. no girl after a long relationship and after dumping someone she really cares about and someone who is heartbroken, would say "well i'm pretty ready to get out there and date some other guys". you even said she's seen you as a friend for a long time now. it doesn't really matter at this point, but don't be naive and take her at her word. history would suggest that girls generally lie about that and sometimes even want to believe it, out of guilt. but very often a girl (and guys) is ready and willing if they stumble upon the right guy. in summary, pretend she's never coming back, and start the healing process; you will recover/feel great again, in time. and obv maintain NC!! Fair enough, makes sense. I need to start that process over again now and stick with NC. It worked good before, 2 months was just not long enough. Thanks
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