Steelrain322 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 My ex girlfriend left me about a year ago. We dated for 18 months. It was both our first serious relationship. I was 20 and she was 19 when we first started dating. We worked together and had been friends for years before hand. We also took each others virginity. To make a long story short, we had a pretty bad relationship together. But we were so attached to each other neither of us could leave one another after so many occasions of " it's over ". I can admit that it was more 75% my fault 25% hers, I had a hard time with my anger because we had pretty poor communication between us. She's the type if there's something shes upset about she wouldn't tell me, it was incredibly frustrating. And if she did something I didn't like, i'd lose my cool really easily. I guess we were both just really immature. I'm 1 year post break up and 10 months NC. She left me for another guy, but I never found out who, and I have no idea if they ever dated or are still together or what. I was devastated. We would text a little bit before NC, and she would even initiate the text after a few weeks would go by to ask how I was doing but I changed my number and deleted her off FB. I was pretty much in pure agony for 8 months, with a lot of suicidal thoughts. I have not dated anyone else since, and have had no intimacy since. Except for a little make out session with a couple of girls, but I'm practically a virgin again. I still think about my ex daily. The pain is mostly gone, but I'll have a day here and there where the loneliness and the bad memories come back to bite me in the ass, I'll cry but it's kinda rare. Then sometimes the anger comes back and makes me think I hate her. The guilt weighs on me very heavily for the things I did to her and the things I said. Remembering her cry because of me is pretty painful. Now this is where I ask for help. I drove right by her today, she was driving towards me and I was driving towards her. She changed her hair style and she had someone in her car but I couldn't tell if it was a guy, girl, or family member. I don't know if she saw me but I knew it was her. And after that I have an incredible urge to contact her. I feel like I need to write her a letter and tell her how sorry I am for the way I mistreated her, and let her know how much she did mean to me (with out the intentions of getting back together). I feel like she needs to know how painful it was for me to lose her because I did love her. So she doesn't think I'm just some ******* she shouldn't of dated. Do I open old wounds for me, and possibly her by writing her a letter? Or do I continue to live with this guilt? Does she even think about me anymore? And if she doesn't how could you so easily forget your first love? Even with the turmoil we had plenty of really good times. But then what if I regret writing her a letter when the anger comes over me because she left me for another guy, a part of me wants to think she lost me forever because of that. Will I ever get over her with out being in love with someone else? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
coltsfan1 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 you could write her the letter but only if you are ready to get no reply or a reply that may not sit well. I would wait till you ran into her the speak to her and see how she reacts. just the way I would play it. 1
Author Steelrain322 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Well I was thinking mailing the letter and writing not to reply back to me because I don't want a response. Now that I've come down from that shock, I feel better and want to make atleast a year of no contact. Like I said a part of me wants her to know how sorry I am and how much she meant to me, but another part of me wants to stay NC, and make her think that I'm long over her because I don't know whether or not she would think wow I can't believe he's still not over me what a loser or if she would be sympathetic. Before the NC we met up for coffee (big mistake), I was thinking maybe I could get her back, but she was just reinforcing that we were over, but then when she saw me cry and heard the things I said she started to cry too about it. I know we shouldn't of been together because were not right for each other, I just miss her. She was a huge part of my life and now she's a ghost I rarely see. Sad.
coltsfan1 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I totally understand how you feel. I was with my high school sweatheart for two years, I was a horrible boy friend. She left and well should have, but YEARS down the road we are now friends. Not great friends but if we see each other we talk, her husband and I even shake hands. We where only teenagers and the things that happened are just memories under the bridge. I miss my ex and our friendship. However she left and purposefully tried to rip my heart from my chest. I would never reach out to her, however if she tried to reach out to me I may or may not speak. That day hasn't came and I'm not holding my breathe for it either.
health Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I would say just stick to no contact and chalk this up as a set back. I'm in the exact situation as you kinda - I left my girl cause she was hanging around a guy too much - 3 days later she's sating him and still is. It's 3 years since our break up. I haven't talked to her for 2 years. Once I decided to email her and say hey I appologize for what went down, It was real love, I am healed and wish the best for you. She took the whole thing as strange - like why would I contact her. Im happy I learned about no contact at this site - cause for the first year she kept calling me 3 times a month and Id ignore her - why call me if she's with someone new? I say forget that girl. I totally feel your pain man. Just stay busy and NEVER push too much to find a girl - check out the divorce section of this site for horror stories where the guy does everything for the girl and she doesn't care. A healthy relationship is love on both sides. That's what you deserve. Your ex is a fraud, for leaving you for another guy. Forget her and try to move on. 2
Author Steelrain322 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 "That's what you deserve. Your ex is a fraud, for leaving you for another guy. Forget her and try to move on." She wouldn't have left me if I didn't emotionally abuse her and push her away to look for someone else. I'm the fraud. I just couldn't feel grateful for her I guess until she was gone, but maybe that was because we just weren't right for each other. But how can I not be envious or sad thinking she gets rid of me, has me replaced, and perhaps didn't have to lose out on of the " good things" relationships have. She could of been/has been with a new guy the entire time and never had the loss of intimacy like I have. I miss sleeping beside her everynight, she might not even know what it's like to lose that if she just jumped to a new guy. I don't think I'll ever forget her. It's permanently engrained in my head.
Author Steelrain322 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 "Just stay busy and NEVER push too much to find a girl - check out the divorce section of this site for horror stories where the guy does everything for the girl and she doesn't care." This loss I have endured and stories like that makes you think why bother ever having a relationship, so you don't have to go through the grievance and life change. But then I think love and finding someone your happy with is the ultimate wish you could have. I feel empty with out a significant other.
silvermane187 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I feel empty with out a significant other. If you don't fix that before entering a relationship it's not going to end well.
Phanpooh Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 When i was a dumper, my first treated so well. When im tired, she take care of me, when im bored, she play with me, when i need to do sth, she help me... And i dumped her, ignored her in 2y... No guilty, i know she is better without me. No friendship, i know how cruel i did to her. Very low contact until this day, because i know she still love me and she lose her confident when talking with me. When i was a dumper, my story is classic here. Dated long term, did badly during relationship and then ex left me for someone. No guilty, im myself in the time with her, natural, good and bad. No friendship, the damage of bu could make her regret for all life, so im doing the best for her, let she live her own life by herself. No contact, i want to keep some good memory for eachother and i dun want our both life, even i dun hav anything to share. There is good or bad. That bu were happened. And we couldnt fix it. So let it go and live, there is something waiting for us. We did bad, we paid for it. We did good, we will get sth. It's called karma. Dun let our anger, jealuos,... Destroy our soul. If someday, u meet ur ex, what u wanna be ? A loser and make her guilty or a winner make her happy because she did a right choice for u? If u wanna break nc, what will u say? Apologise? Because u r not what she wanted or because u didnt try ur best? So then show her ur best! At least, show her ur self-respect. In fact, if u r in her shoe, and get a contact from ex, u will feel more regret... Cuz she already known that she lost who truly love her more than his ego and YOU just lost her, a girl who dun love u more than herself. Nothing is impossible, try to do nothing with her is ur duty now!
health Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Steel - Stop blaming yourself - emotionally abused her? That's something to relish if people ever think you are too nice lol You can't push someone away - she decided to go. Her rebounding = a quick fix. She's in pain, no one can forget long term relationships they are in denail, or heartless. In that case simply don't deal with her. Move on and grow. I feel what your saying 100% and I agree it is tough thinking of healthy relationships - try to get that anyhow! Just use this as a personal growth experience. ALso you should not feel empty without a significant other. You can't have other people fill up your emptyness. You have to be good and happy yourself first. A girl is just an addition to an already great life! 1
stillwater Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) I've gotten back in touch with a couple ex's over the years to apologize for things I said/did. It was always after lengthy periods of NC, and it was always at a time when it felt right. In other words I had no doubt that I would be ok seeing her with someone else. Usually it was after I had been through another relationship and had totally moved on. It always worked out fine -- a couple I'm facebook "friends" with, another I said my piece and that was that. You'll know when the time is right. Edited April 18, 2012 by stillwater
Author Steelrain322 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 I just wonder if she's still in pain like me even if she is with someone else. I did a lot of nice **** for her that I have a hard time believing someone else would do. But I guess if they don't put her down like I did it wouldn't matter. Before nc she told me that it was still taking time for her to get over me and that she had cried for months before the break up. I had said to her before when she made me upset that I don't think we'll ever be happy together. And that's why we broke up she said. But convientley had a guy lined up after she did it. Thanks guys for the help. You think in 6 more months I'll be good considering it'll be 18 months apart and we only dated for 18 months?
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