Affairs....do they eventually take a toll on you?

[LoveTKO]

I might posted about this before, and I'll preface this post by stating that I fully understand that sleeping with a married person is wrong, and that you can't have real expectations since you're dealing with an individual with a serious case of a "decision making disorder". That being said, how on God's green earth can a woman who is married carry on a sexual relationship with single guy for years and still cope on a day-to-day basis, facing her husband and child?

 

She has mentioned on several occasions in the past that leading a double life is too much for her to bear at times, not to mention the fact that the ball is in her court when it comes to us, with her having to do all the planning, lying, subterfuge, alibis, etc. This aggravates her at times because she views me as that single guy without a care in the world who just gets all the good stuff, with nothing at stake. After listening to her vent about the guilt that will manifest about four times per year, she'll retreat back to her real life, putting a cease and desist on all forms of communication with me for a couple of days/week. But it won't take long before my phone buzzes with some text or call about wanting to see me, which invariably always leads to sex. We've been having sex for years, but with the occasional guilt ridden hiatus, that introspective period for her in which she needs to come to terms with "what she has been doing" all these years to her family.

 

 

But how much longer can she keep on doing this before she really suffers a nervous breakdown or something? I can tell that it's killing her inside at times, but she ALWAYS come back to me for affection, even when I think it's the end because reality has finally sunk in. What do you all think? Not a future for her and me, but her long term prognosis.

[whichwayisup]

That being said, how on God's green earth can a woman who is married carry on a sexual relationship with single guy for years and still cope on a day-to-day basis, facing her husband and child?

 

Same way a married man does. Very good at lying, deceiving and turning off the guilt, justifying their affair. Some people are great at this and are able to continue living a double life right under their spouses nose!

[ShameLustandDesire]

I think it depends on the person's psyche. I hold alot of self resentment, shame, and could not carry on like that for years. I am a guilt queen, because I do care how my actions may harm others. I am hoping I was in the midst of a breakdown of sorts to have such poor decision making skills.

I kept seeing someone I did not wish too nor want any part of. I still cannot figure this part out:( I went against what I valued, and lost alot of my self value in doing do. It is a horrible feeling, but I deserve it.

[stillwater]

I wonder this all the time myself. For example, my MW spent a long weekend with me, maybe a Thursday through Tuesday. That last morning I asked her if she was staying another night, and she said she couldn't because her and her H had counseling that night. I just looked at her and said "I don't have a damn clue how you do this".

 

I got an email from her later that day saying "I really don't do it very well at all, I feel awful." But it's been 2 months since then and nothing's changed, so apparently she doesn't feel so awful after all!

[wannabdone]

Instead of looking into why can she do this to her family and her H.... You need to start looking at how can YOU do this to her family and yourself. Stop worrying about her and how shes doing it... start looking at YOU.

[wannabdone]

It would probably be more fruitful for you to examine yourself and why you are an enabler and a partner in crime than trying to figure her out. You are just as messed up as she is. Just sayin'.............

 

 

Sorry LG... I missed your post before I posted mine. But was thinking the exact same thing!

[LoveTKO]

It would probably be more fruitful for you to examine yourself and why you are an enabler and a partner in crime than trying to figure her out. You are just as messed up as she is. Just sayin'.............

 

 

I am NOT as messed up as she is. To me it was sex from day one with a very attractive woman who basically courted me and determined that I was the one she was going to have an affair with. It was obvious from the get go what this whole thing was all about about, but after three-four years you do begin to develop emotions.

 

People who have affairs are, obviously, very selfish. If it's inconvenient for her but my hormones are raging that day, she will throw the book at me about how hard it is to get away and to come up with lies, I don't understand, etc. If she has time off and wants to play but my day is booked, then watch out...."make time..hard for me to get away...don't you want to see me?" From the outside, some of these women seem like polished career professionals, but on the inside they're neurotic and have major issues dealing with stress. Seeking pleasure is their panacea.

[MissBee]

To be honest:

 

My immediate response to you is, if you care so much about it taking a toll on her, perhaps you should be the one to cease and desist and not continue enabling her by being ready and waiting to have sex when she arises from her guilt-ridden hiatus.

 

I think it is an interesting perspective that when we are just as culpable as the other person, we sit on the make-believe-sidelines wondering how they can do xyz and act like we are so confused or even have disdain for it....yet we hop right back on the saddle WITH this person. It doesn't make sense. How you tell the story, saying things like "even when you think it's the end, it's not", makes it seem like you have NO choice in this and it is all about her....I don't really think it matters whether or not she will have a nervous breakdown, but your own agency to make a choice. You have a "decision making disorder" just as much as she does Basically, until she has a nervous breakdown, you will continue to be in the affair with her when she wants. Only HER decision or nervous breakdown will end it...otherwise, if for the next 50 years she doesn't feel bad or she feels bad, takes a break and calls you, you'll be ready....that to me should be the focus. I think it would be an interesting turn of perspective for you to consider how all the things you wonder about her apply to you as well.

[MissBee]

It would probably be more fruitful for you to examine yourself and why you are an enabler and a partner in crime than trying to figure her out. You are just as messed up as she is. Just sayin'.............

 

Didn't see your response, but succinct and right on target!

[wannabdone]

I am NOT as messed up as she is. To me it was sex from day one with a very attractive woman who basically courted me and determined that I was the one she was going to have an affair with. It was obvious from the get go what this whole thing was all about about, but after three-four years you do begin to develop emotions.

 

People who have affairs are, obviously, very selfish. If it's inconvenient for her but my hormones are raging that day, she will throw the book at me about how hard it is to get away and to come up with lies, I don't understand, etc. If she has time off and wants to play but my day is booked, then watch out...."make time..hard for me to get away...don't you want to see me?" From the outside, some of these women seem like polished career professionals, but on the inside they're neurotic and have major issues dealing with stress. Seeking pleasure is their panacea.

 

 

Wait. Your not as messed up as she is?? Are you joking? You are sleeping with another persons spouse and enabling lies and deception... and your not as "messed up" as her? What is your logic here? Your not taking an ounce of accountability. You are doing this as well. It makes no difference if you are M or not, you are a contributor to an A.

 

So, if you just drive someone to rob a store, are you not really involved in it...because you just drove them to do the deed?

 

You might want to really take a look at what you are saying.

[MissBee]

I am NOT as messed up as she is. To me it was sex from day one with a very attractive woman who basically courted me and determined that I was the one she was going to have an affair with. It was obvious from the get go what this whole thing was all about about, but after three-four years you do begin to develop emotions.

 

People who have affairs are, obviously, very selfish. If it's inconvenient for her but my hormones are raging that day, she will throw the book at me about how hard it is to get away and to come up with lies, I don't understand, etc. If she has time off and wants to play but my day is booked, then watch out...."make time..hard for me to get away...don't you want to see me?" From the outside, some of these women seem like polished career professionals, but on the inside they're neurotic and have major issues dealing with stress. Seeking pleasure is their panacea.

 

So who are these people who have affairs?

 

What do you consider yourself? You are a person in an affair too...hello. You are single but you are still someone in a relationship with a married person....so what is the story for you? How are you somehow less selfish than she is etc?

 

You're stuck in a stage I know too well and one of the most difficult and delusional ones...i.e. the stage where for the life of you, you cannot see your own issues and faults but EVERYTHING is centered on examining this person and saying they are the crazy one and have all these issues...while you continue to be with them. Most of us have been there...I have and I have had a radical change of perspective from my last relationship in which I spent a year wondering about his issues and neuroses and telling the story about HIM and asking about HIM and his "bad behavior", all the while I would have happily hopped into the sack or answer when he called. But I didn't see the problem with me in it at all...it was all about him. Once I realized it was not about him and that it didn't matter what he did, as I am my own person and can make a choice, I saw things very differently. Hopefully you get to a place of focusing on what REALLY matters soon.

[LoveTKO]

Instead of looking into why can she do this to her family and her H.... You need to start looking at how can YOU do this to her family and yourself. Stop worrying about her and how shes doing it... start looking at YOU.

 

 

It does bother me. Her husband is being pimped out, literally...brings home a big chuck of the bacon. He doesn't get a straight answer when she's confronted with time unaccounted for, or getting excuses when wanting sex. It has to be awful not trusting your spouse but not having any hard evidence either. Gut instincts don't lie.

[MissBee]

It does bother me. Her husband is being pimped out, literally...brings home a big chuck of the bacon. He doesn't get a straight answer when she's confronted with time unaccounted for, or getting excuses when wanting sex. It has to be awful not trusting your spouse but not having any hard evidence either. Gut instincts don't lie.

 

So what do you plan to do about it bothering you?

 

If you feel she is so horrible for doing this....then why do you continue to sleep with this horrible woman?

[LoveTKO]

Wait. Your not as messed up as she is?? Are you joking? You are sleeping with another persons spouse and enabling lies and deception... and your not as "messed up" as her? What is your logic here? Your not taking an ounce of accountability. You are doing this as well. It makes no difference if you are M or not, you are a contributor to an A.

 

So, if you just drive someone to rob a store, are you not really involved in it...because you just drove them to do the deed?

 

You might want to really take a look at what you are saying.

 

 

You need to work on critical thinking skills. Robbing a store is illegal, or against the law, and it's considered a felony. Having an affair is unethical, or a display of low moral turpitude. Big difference. But metaphorically speaking, I am stealing his wife I guess.

[LoveTKO]

So what do you plan to do about it bothering you?

 

If you feel she is so horrible for doing this....then why do you continue to sleep with this horrible woman?

 

well.....to answer your question, and your previous post about me living in DENIAL by projecting everything onto her ; ) , the problem with me in this situation is sheer indolence, laziness, not having to do much work. MissBee....all I have to do is sit at home and answer my phone or text. You have NO CLUE how easy this is for me. I admit, I have been groomed and I did let my guard down, because years ago I tried VERY HARD to run away from this; major anxiety/insomnia before the sex even started. But in time you let your guard down, and the mental abuse/stress evokes feelings of dissociation; that couple with the "testosterone always wins" concept is your answer.

[LoveTKO]

You don't get it yet.........but you are dissing her and her husband but YOU are just as much at fault here as she is. Where is your gut instincts? Where is your sense of wrong vs right?

 

Such a long affair.........she is a practiced liar.

 

 

 

 

Oh, I know that what I'm doing is wrong; make no mistake about it. I sometimes want this damn thing to just blow up in everybody's face and disappear.

[MissBee]

well.....to answer your question, and your previous post about me living in DENIAL by projecting everything onto her ; ) , the problem with me in this situation is sheer indolence, laziness, not having to do much work. MissBee....all I have to do is sit at home and answer my phone or text. You have NO CLUE how easy this is for me. I admit, I have been groomed and I did let my guard down, because years ago I tried VERY HARD to run away from this; major anxiety/insomnia before the sex even started. But in time you let your guard down, and the mental abuse/stress evokes feelings of dissociation; that couple with the "testosterone always wins" concept is your answer.

 

It's just as easy to not pick up your phone as it is to do so...technically, probably easier.

 

But the fact that you find it hard to ignore your phone and to not engage with her and that you says she has "groomed" you, as though she is a child molester preying on a kid, shows that you have your own problems.

 

If someone is so horrible and you have tried to run away from them but now complain about them but persist to engage in the behavior...sorry, you have a problem just as much as they do. Everyone we are involved with is a match for our own issues. It is almost impossible to be in a problematic relationship where there is only one person with anything to work on. You know all about her problems...definitely try to focus on your own and how you can overcome this compulsion essentially.

 

This sounds like a horrible situation...mental abuse, stress, anxiety, insomnia...yet you're concerned about if SHE is gonna have a nervous breakdown??? My good sir...you need to stop worrying about her...for real...and worry about why you would, as a grown man, make yourself seem like the victim of this woman and as you even say it you seem to have no interest in stopping the madness.

[MissBee]

Oh, I know that what I'm doing is wrong; make no mistake about it. I sometimes want this damn thing to just blow up in everybody's face and disappear.

 

Well that's a start...you want to avoid the conflict, you have the decision making disorder like her...you want it to all end but magically and mysteriously without YOU having to be the one to be decisive. You would rather wish for magic, or hope she has an emotional breakdown...anything and everything so long as it means you don't have to be the firm one to decide on stopping.

 

Please know...I have been where you are, so am also speaking from experience. I am by no means perfect but I realized I was like that too. I would get into situations and then was lazy too and acted like it was all beyond my control and even when I wanted it to end, I would make excuses or literally hope God, the Universe, the other person, someone, anyone, anything would end it except me.

 

I'm learning now though that I can't do that. I can make and unmake choices. I don't need to wallow in situations I created partly and hope to be rescued or for it to disappear...it's not always easy but you do get a great sense of strength when you make decisions. It's scary sometimes and I wanted to avoid conflict, pain, rejection, abandonment, hurt etc by being inert...but I just caused myself MORE pain.

[Bellechica]

LoveTKO, yep you are just as messed up as she is. I am a WW who was with a single man. He made the first moves on me and our "friendship" became an A. I tried ending it over and over and one of us would start it up again. I am still in an EA with him but I want him out of my life. The A was driving me insane and causing me to lose perspective of everything in my life.

Do her a favor and send a NC letter and block her number. Leave her and her family alone. Don't justify staying in the A by saying she will just find another man.

Tell her to get therapy.

Four years......yikes

[LoveTKO]

It's just as easy to not pick up your phone as it is to do so...technically, probably easier.

 

But the fact that you find it hard to ignore your phone and to not engage with her and that you says she has "groomed" you, as though she is a child molester preying on a kid, shows that you have your own problems.

 

If someone is so horrible and you have tried to run away from them but now complain about them but persist to engage in the behavior...sorry, you have a problem just as much as they do. Everyone we are involved with is a match for our own issues. It is almost impossible to be in a problematic relationship where there is only one person with anything to work on. You know all about her problems...definitely try to focus on your own and how you can overcome this compulsion essentially.

 

This sounds like a horrible situation...mental abuse, stress, anxiety, insomnia...yet you're concerned about if SHE is gonna have a nervous breakdown??? My good sir...you need to stop worrying about her...for real...and worry about why you would, as a grown man, make yourself seem like the victim of this woman and as you even say it you seem to have no interest in stopping the madness.

 

 

MissBee...."grooming....anxiety" etc. are semantics/hyperbole to add color and drama to a rather boring subject matter; this is an internet forum after all. Of course I knew what I was getting into and she didn't twist my arm, but I meant grooming from her end; she picked her target and i played along, but I initially did perceive the whole thing to be rather amoral, hence some sleepless nights.

 

She is the one battling insomnia and stress, all induced by guilt. I just "deliver" and have fun. I just hate those one week dry spells

[MissBee]

MissBee...."grooming....anxiety" etc. are semantics/hyperbole to add color and drama to a rather boring subject matter; this is an internet forum after all. Of course I knew what I was getting into and she didn't twist my arm, but I meant grooming from her end; she picked her target and i played along, but I initially did perceive the whole thing to be rather amoral, hence some sleepless nights.

 

She is the one battling insomnia and stress, all induced by guilt. I just "deliver" and have fun. I just hate those one week dry spells

 

Ahhh soo what do you hope to hear from us here?

 

Why does it matter to you whether she feels guilty or not, esp, if you're just having fun and "delivering" (quite honestly, this sounds like you are a gigolo and not a real person with real feelings)

 

You do what you do because you like it and there is no conflict....or you stop doing it if you have all these questions and judgments about it. Quite simply. But if you do it and are conflcited or spend time dissecting this other person....then something is awry that needs to be addressed within one's self.

 

I think it would be better to find a single woman to have sex with, versus waste time having sex with a guilt-ridden married woman whom you judge for her behavior yet continue having sex with. One seems markedly more easy and worthwhile than the other...and if one chooses the more challenging option...one should explore why this is so.

[LoveTKO]

LoveTKO, yep you are just as messed up as she is. I am a WW who was with a single man. He made the first moves on me and our "friendship" became an A. I tried ending it over and over and one of us would start it up again. I am still in an EA with him but I want him out of my life. The A was driving me insane and causing me to lose perspective of everything in my life.

Do her a favor and send a NC letter and block her number. Leave her and her family alone. Don't justify staying in the A by saying she will just find another man.

Tell her to get therapy.

Four years......yikes

 

 

 

That's how she tells me she feels.

 

 

Yep, that is a long time. Almost like a min-lifetime come to think of it.

[LoveTKO]

Ahhh soo what do you hope to hear from us here?

 

Why does it matter to you whether she feels guilty or not, esp, if you're just having fun and "delivering" (quite honestly, this sounds like you are a gigolo and not a real person with real feelings)

 

You do what you do because you like it and there is no conflict....or you stop doing it if you have all these questions and judgments about it. Quite simply. But if you do it and are conflcited or spend time dissecting this other person....then something is awry that needs to be addressed within one's self.

 

I think it would be better to find a single woman to have sex with, versus waste time having sex with a guilt-ridden married woman whom you judge for her behavior yet continue having sex with. One seems markedly more easy and worthwhile than the other...and if one chooses the more challenging option...one should explore why this is so.

 

 

well....let's talk about that for a second. Almost all of my married/committed friends are lamenting the fact that their sex life has taken a precipitous dive into the abyss. A lot of them are going thru counseling, etc. On the other hand, my situation is pretty easy and not very challenging to be honest with you, but not for her apparently.

[MissBee]

Really????? smh

 

The above says a lot about you and it ain't pretty.

 

Watching people fool themselves is both amusing and frustrating.

 

Frankly, I have been involved with a taken man twice. I am not proud of any of those times, but one I considered myself the OW and the other, I did not. The one where I did not was because we did not have a relationship. It really was only about sex. At the time, while I felt it was wrong, I did not care why he did it, definitely didn't discuss it on a forum or with friends, just because it was not a big deal to me. I was not interested in his psyche or how he felt etc. I did it because I wanted the sex and the attention but didn't spend any time worrying about him outside of those moments.

 

Therefore, when someone says something is all fun and games yet are on LS worried about it...I just cannot buy that story. You obviously have a conflict...what is it and why? That is what you should worry about.

[wannabdone]

You need to work on critical thinking skills. Robbing a store is illegal, or against the law, and it's considered a felony. Having an affair is unethical, or a display of low moral turpitude. Big difference. But metaphorically speaking, I am stealing his wife I guess.

 

 

I do, huh??

 

I am well aware that one is illegal, and one isnt. Merely making a point at what your thought process is coming across like.

 

Some BS's would argue with you that robbing a store is just as bad as helping aid in robbing their lives and families.