Can you really expect them to come straight out and say "I want you back"?

April 15, 2012

Is it not a lot to ask of a dumpee's pride to come straight out and tell you they want you back?

People on this website say that anything less than that is simply breadcrumbs, but surely a lot of people will find it difficult to come out with that for fear of rejection. So instead they just test the waters by initiating contacting subtle ways.

My ex has been in contact a few times in the last month, this is 7 months after the break up and I've had advice from a friend that I should ask to should just come out and break the silence and ask her out for a drink. Mainly my friend thinks that she (my ex) will be too afraid to come out and ask me.

I probably could have been warmer with my response to her contact, which may have scared her off as I've not heard from her in two weeks now.

Do you agree with this? Or do you think that if someone really wants you back then they will tell you no matter how afraid of getting rejected they are.

April 15, 2012

I think she just wants your attention, or to be "friends." It's just breadcrumbs. You could try to figure out what she wants by asking her, but I think it's better to maintain NC.

If she really wanted you back, then yes, she'd beg for it.

April 15, 2012

I think she just wants your attention, or to be "friends." It's just breadcrumbs. You could try to figure out what she wants by asking her, but I think it's better to maintain NC.

If she really wanted you back, then yes, she'd beg for it.

I think at least part of her wants me back. Each time she's contacted me I've been so business like in my response that she probably won't have much confidence in thinking I'd be open to suggestions of getting back.

First she asks to meet up with me because she thinks "we need to talk", then when I agree she wavers and doesn't follow through. Maybe she thought there was no point in meeting up because she didn't think my words were warm enough to indicate that I'd be receptive to her ideas.

Her friend came up to me in a night club 3 weeks ago and started telling me that me and my ex need to get back together and how are so good together. I didn't give her much of a response. Then the week after I get a text off the ex asking me to check for a document of hers that I already told i don't have I told her I'd ask my brother to have a look. Then an hour later she phones me "just see in if you had spoke to your brother yet". The phone call was really odd as there was no reason to speak, and I hadn't spoke to her on the phone since before the break up.

Now two weeks has passed since that and I'm frustrated that she hasn't contacted me again. I want to just meet her and laugh and talk like we used to.

April 15, 2012

First she asks to meet up with me because she thinks "we need to talk", then when I agree she wavers and doesn't follow through. Maybe she thought there was no point in meeting up because she didn't think my words were warm enough to indicate that I'd be receptive to her ideas.

Agreeing to meet is pretty warm in my opinion. Maybe she wasn't sure she was really that receptive. Sometimes you try and try and once they say yes, you are like now what. I think in taking the time to get over it first before getting in contact, you can see if she is just playing games instead of hanging on to the memory. You may feel differently towards her in the future.

And yes, I also agree that if someone wants you back, they will make it known. They certainly wouldn't turn down a chance to meet with you.

April 15, 2012

I think at least part of her wants me back. Each time she's contacted me I've been so business like in my response that she probably won't have much confidence in thinking I'd be open to suggestions of getting back.
First she asks to meet up with me because she thinks "we need to talk", then when I agree she wavers and doesn't follow through. Maybe she thought there was no point in meeting up because she didn't think my words were warm enough to indicate that I'd be receptive to her ideas.

Her friend came up to me in a night club 3 weeks ago and started telling me that me and my ex need to get back together and how are so good together. I didn't give her much of a response. Then the week after I get a text off the ex asking me to check for a document of hers that I already told i don't have I told her I'd ask my brother to have a look. Then an hour later she phones me "just see in if you had spoke to your brother yet". The phone call was really odd as there was no reason to speak, and I hadn't spoke to her on the phone since before the break up.

Now two weeks has passed since that and I'm frustrated that she hasn't contacted me again. I want to just meet her and laugh and talk like we used to.

Without knowing the full background, from what you say here it is clear she wants to meet up but doesn't want to say (if you broke up with her then that is a huge step for her to take). It also seems like you would like to meet up to. Just make it casual " hey do you want to meet up next thurs/fri - would be good to talk. No worries if you cant.'

What's the worse that can happen?

April 15, 2012

Without knowing the full background, from what you say here it is clear she wants to meet up but doesn't want to say (if you broke up with her then that is a huge step for her to take). It also seems like you would like to meet up to. Just make it casual " hey do you want to meet up next thurs/fri - would be good to talk. No worries if you cant.'
What's the worse that can happen?

Thanks, here's some background.

She broke up with me, in a pretty brutal fashion while she was away abroad for the summer. I did things leading up to the break up that didn't help matters, like acting insecure and weak because she wasn't in touch as much as she should have been. Then only a few weeks after the break up she started going out with a guy, whom she's only recently broken up with (as far as I can tell) The problem is that she is going travelling for the summer again in about 6 weeks, so am I actually, so timing isn't exactly ideal. I guess it would be better to see how things are after the summer when we both return. I'm just afraid she gets into another relationship and the chance that appears to be in grabbing distance just now, disappears.

I honestly thing me and her could be great together again, otherwise i wouldn't have bothered to forgive her for how much she hurt me. I have forgiven her mostly because i can see she's a young girl who was abroad and made a mistake.

Edited April 15, 2012 by MIK1000

April 15, 2012

Agreeing to meet is pretty warm in my opinion. Maybe she wasn't sure she was really that receptive. Sometimes you try and try and once they say yes, you are like now what. I think in taking the time to get over it first before getting in contact, you can see if she is just playing games instead of hanging on to the memory. You may feel differently towards her in the future.

And yes, I also agree that if someone wants you back, they will make it known. They certainly wouldn't turn down a chance to meet with you.

Thanks for the reply.

When she first contacted me, I found it kind of humorous that she was finally coming crawling back. I thought this should be good and didn't feel emotionally involved. Next thing I know I'm caught up in it and want her back more than ever again, especially since it feels like it's in touching distance.

I guess you are right that she wouldn't have thrown away the chance at meeting me. But why do that, then follow it up with the words from her friend, and the text plus phone call the week after that?

April 15, 2012

She broke up with me, in a pretty brutal fashion while she was away abroad for the summer. I did things leading up to the break up that didn't help matters, like acting insecure and weak because she wasn't in touch as much as she should have been. Then only a few weeks after the break up she started going out with a guy, whom she's only recently broken up with (as far as I can tell) The problem is that she is going travelling for the summer again in about 6 weeks, so am I actually, so timing isn't exactly ideal. I guess it would be better to see how things are after the summer when we both return. I'm just afraid she gets into another relationship and the chance that appears to be in grabbing distance just now, disappears.

I honestly thing me and her could be great together again, otherwise i wouldn't have bothered to forgive her for how much she hurt me. I have forgiven her mostly because i can see she's a young girl who was abroad and made a mistake.

Ah, I see, thanks for filling me in. You sound like you have accepted your part in the break up and understand to a certain extent why she acted like she did and forgiven her. To me that is the basis to take the next step of meeting up.

Not sure it will end up in getting back together, she sounds like she might have some growing up to do, so as long as you don't expect too much out of it, then give it a go - life is short.

The fact you are both going off travelling soon is kind of good - you could part on good terms and agree to meet up when you both return. If its meant to be, she will come back to you and if not, then you would have left it on good terms and in time she will think about that and remember you with fondness instead of bitterness.

April 15, 2012

Ah, I see, thanks for filling me in. You sound like you have accepted your part in the break up and understand to a certain extent why she acted like she did and forgiven her. To me that is the basis to take the next step of meeting up.
Not sure it will end up in getting back together, she sounds like she might have some growing up to do, so as long as you don't expect too much out of it, then give it a go - life is short.

The fact you are both going off travelling soon is kind of good - you could part on good terms and agree to meet up when you both return. If its meant to be, she will come back to you and if not, then you would have left it on good terms and in time she will think about that and remember you with fondness instead of bitterness.

That's how i feel, I'm just very nervous about taking the next step and am afraid that I might expect too much from it. I also don't want to lose the feeling that I have the ball in my court (being that she's been contacting me) because I can remember too freshly what it's like being on the other side of that and it turns me into an emotional wreck.

I suppose life's about taking risks though, and as you say, life is short. I better take a couple days to mull this over.

April 15, 2012

I think that's the "Platonic Ideal" of what everyone wants to hear the other person say.

Ultimately, what is "good enough" for you?

April 15, 2012

I think that's the "Platonic Ideal" of what everyone wants to hear the other person say.

Ultimately, what is "good enough" for you?

It's good enough just that she wants to be with me again and treat me like she did during the relationship (up until she went abroad)

She's already apologised for what she did, that was a month ago when i met her in a club and she engaged me in conversation. She took responsibility for what she did and didn't try and lay any of it on to me. It was a long wait for it but the apology itself was good enough for me.

Ultimately I haven't gone an hour without thinking about this girl for 7 months. I love her more than anything and want to look after her for the rest of her life.

I just don't know if I can risk putting myself on the line like that, especially if I consider that maybe if I just keep playing the waiting game she may eventually just lay all her cards on the table.

I'm also fortunate that I live round the corner from her so am likely to bump into her every so often over the years, and we go to the same clubs as each other so are likely to meet there often as well which makes a great opportunity for reconciliation. But again it's the huge risk that she gets snapped up into a long term relationship.

April 15, 2012

Then good enough is good enough isn't it?

Heck, I am downright envious of you. At least your interactions smacked of sincerity. If I got that, I'd have to rethink. But I won't. So I won't.

Life is refreshingly easy.

April 15, 2012

Then good enough is good enough isn't it?

Heck, I am downright envious of you. At least your interactions smacked of sincerity. If I got that, I'd have to rethink. But I won't. So I won't.

Life is refreshingly easy.

Do they though?

She has twice used a document on my computer as an excuse to contact me. Then she phoned me about the same issue, and kept pausing awkwardly as if she wanted me to start a conversation on the phone, instead of her just being sincere and asking me about myself.

What did you get that's less sincere than that?

Edited April 15, 2012 by MIK1000

April 15, 2012

You'd be surprised.

April 16, 2012

You'd be surprised.

April 16, 2012

This is an excellent thread, one of the best I have seen in years questioning loveshacks regular advice of rather it be NC or rather it be (they have to come back on there knees begging).

Now let's get down to it.

Should they need to beg, declare there love for you? Yes, afterall they did gain the nerve

to break your heart and to move on without you in there life, that takes stone guys right?

Is it logical to think that everyone would do that? No, we all have self esteem and egos and might be to proud to come out and say I know I messed up just please take me back.

Do exs come back and throw bread crumbs that they want you back? Yes, I myself have seen a few get back with there exs this way and also on LS and in my personal life. A ex coming back and stating that she or he made mistakes is a clear indicator.

What should you do? Always except the worse, nothing could be worse that getting your hopes up and then having her say (I just want to he friends).

April 16, 2012

The question that will be asked first is "Are you dating/seeing/sleeping with someone?"

Mik, I have told you in other posts you are a ways away from this question coming out. You are going to kill yourself in this anxiety. Not only that but if she does come back you are going to have to deal with the "bounce" which will make you seek therapy when all is said and done.

Its not going to be a walk in the park

April 16, 2012

The question that will be asked first is "Are you dating/seeing/sleeping with someone?"

Mik, I have told you in other posts you are a ways away from this question coming out. You are going to kill yourself in this anxiety. Not only that but if she does come back you are going to have to deal with the "bounce" which will make you seek therapy when all is said and done.

Its not going to be a walk in the park

Exactly, that's also a question that is normal to be asked first, however I have seen that most dumpers would rather take hints here and there and find out if you are dating someone else or not.

I guess the question "Are you dating someone?" is hard for any ex to ask, rather it be Dumper or Dumpee.

April 16, 2012

Every situation involving GIGS type breakup, they either ask this or dont care if you are or not, they are trying to get you back at all costs

April 16, 2012

The question that will be asked first is "Are you dating/seeing/sleeping with someone?"

Mik, I have told you in other posts you are a ways away from this question coming out. You are going to kill yourself in this anxiety. Not only that but if she does come back you are going to have to deal with the "bounce" which will make you seek therapy when all is said and done.

Its not going to be a walk in the park

Yeah I agree I am going to kill myself with this anxiety. Which is almost why i want to just get it over with and be up front about the matter to her. But then i suppose I could end up ruining any chance of it.

I can remember when we first started dating. She was very straight forward to read and there were absolutely no games played, she was up front about the fact that she liked me. So I guess I am remembering that and thinking that's how it is now.

April 16, 2012

This is an excellent thread, one of the best I have seen in years questioning loveshacks regular advice of rather it be NC or rather it be (they have to come back on there knees begging).

Now let's get down to it.

Should they need to beg, declare there love for you? Yes, afterall they did gain the nerve
to break your heart and to move on without you in there life, that takes stone guys right?

Is it logical to think that everyone would do that? No, we all have self esteem and egos and might be to proud to come out and say I know I messed up just please take me back.

Do exs come back and throw bread crumbs that they want you back? Yes, I myself have seen a few get back with there exs this way and also on LS and in my personal life. A ex coming back and stating that she or he made mistakes is a clear indicator.

What should you do? Always except the worse, nothing could be worse that getting your hopes up and then having her say (I just want to he friends).

So some of your friends took the breadcrumbs then game out and spoke to the ex about getting back together?

Yeah I suppose I need to start expecting the worst, because I always end up expecting the best with these types of things and then being overwhelmingly disappointed.

I guess I need to just wait until we both return from travelling after the summer and stop myself from worrying about her getting involved with someone else. I am at the advantage that a lot of loveshackers don't have - we live very close to each other and are usually not going to go more than a month without running into each other.

April 16, 2012

So some of your friends took the breadcrumbs then game out and spoke to the ex about getting back together?

Yeah I suppose I need to start expecting the worst, because I always end up expecting the best with these types of things and then being overwhelmingly disappointed.

I guess I need to just wait until we both return from travelling after the summer and stop myself from worrying about her getting involved with someone else. I am at the advantage that a lot of loveshackers don't have - we live very close to each other and are usually not going to go more than a month without running into each other.

Yes, taking the breadcrumbs has and will allow reconciliation, however taking wilsonxs advice, you really don't wanna be around thinking "what if", terrible painful, especially if you don't end up getting back together.

April 16, 2012

Yes, taking the breadcrumbs has and will allow reconciliation, however taking wilsonxs advice, you really don't wanna be around thinking "what if", terrible painful, especially if you don't end up getting back together.

So you are telling me to confront her, but just make sure I don't get my hopes up?

April 16, 2012

I should also add that despite me the initial point I was arguing in my opening post - i am most likely not going to get in touch with her - I can't face the disappointment I would feel if she rejected me, and I also enjoy too much the feeling that she's the one that's been contacting me. I guess I have no real urgency because we are always going to run into each other over the next few years.

It's still killing me though, thinking she might make another move at any time.

April 16, 2012

If you can't face the fact that you might be rejected, you aren't ready for her or any relationship at this point.

Until you can overcome this "fear" by going out and getting rejected, you wont ever be ready. You will live your life in fear, not taking chances, not moving forward but standing in one spot hoping things come to you

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Can you really expect them to come straight out and say "I want you back"?

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