Is it time to call my bluff?

[samuelmari]

First time poster on here, but long time lurker. Looking for outside feedback on my situation. Please feel free to provided feedback on my situation.

 

I am 35 and my wife is 32. We have been together almost ten years and married 5 1/2 years. We do not have any children together.

 

Long story short, we were married in 2006. We have lived together since. We had common goals at that time: travel, buy a home together, have children.

 

Present day, we are still living in the same apartment that we moved into after we were married. There has been no travel, home purchase or children. In my opinion, little progress has been made in our relationship.

 

Our combined annual income is over $100,000 and we make about equal amounts. However, my wife has not managed to save ANY money whatsoever during our marriage. My mother in law bought a house in 2006, 3 months before we were married. Her mortgage was over $1500, but her income came strictly from Welfare/Social Security in the amount of around $1100. All of my wife's extra income went to support my mother in law's home. This went on for 5 years. We are now going on year number 6 and my wife still has absolutely NO savings.

 

 

I brought up the issue to my wife many times during our marriage. However, my wife felt she was justified to continue supporting my mother in law's poor choice to purchase a home she clearly could not afford. Many fights were had during the marriage because of this; however my wife has consistently stated that her mother would always come first. Despite my many protests, my wife has made no changes at all in regards to her support for her mother. My mother in law gave up on the house a year ago but my wife still continues to support her. My mother in law only gave up on the house because it became too much of a strain on her; in no way did my wife influence her decision nor did my wife ever imply to my mother in law that she would stop helping her. If my mother in law had not walked away from the home, I believe my wife would still be helping her pay on the home and provide supplemental income to the home.

 

As time has progressed, I have found myself less and less attracted to my wife. I hold significant resentment for being placed "second" to my mother in law and this has affected my feelings emotionally and physically for my wife. I have been considering divorce for some time, perhaps the last 18-24 months. I asked my wife to go to marriage counseling about 2 months ago to which she replied "Im not crazy." We fight approximately 2-3 times weekly now, a steady escalation from when were first married. The common theme is her mother's boundaries (ie needing constant financial support, calling my wife multiple times throughout the day, my perception that she manipulates my wife), the lack of intimacy (approximately 1-2x weekly), and my wife's inabilty to save money.

 

My wife knows fully it has been my goal to buy a home for the last three years and she also desires to buy a home. We attempted to get preapproved for a loan three years ago; however, we were not successful as my wife showed up with bank statements evidencing a $0 balance and even a negative balance. At that time, my wife stated she would have money saved in one year. The year came and went and we are now on the third year and still NO savings. Needless to say, there is no end in sight to this financial situation.

 

We both also desire to have children. However, I am not wanting children at this time as having a child would make it even more difficult to save and buy a home. Furthermore, the doubts I have about our relationship sway me further from wanting a child at this time.

 

Am I justified in believing that I am being held back? My wife has NO savings whatsoever, despite working for the last 6 years full time in her profession. The goals we both desired when we planned to married have not been fullfilled; nor do they appear to be within close reach. I feel more and more distant and resentful as time passes; my wife continues to have blurred boundaries with her mother and still can not save any money. I feel as if I am being stunted in my growth and being prevented from reaching the goals that I desired and set for myself.

 

Also, have I provided sufficient opportunity for my wife to get herself togther and contribute to this partnership? Again, I am not sure how many out there would allow this situation to continue. As time has progressed, my resentment and feelings have changed and the relationship has undoubtedly been affected by this.

 

Lastly, would I be justified in seeking a divorce at this time? I do not see any relief or end in sight to our situation. I do not feel as if I should have to pick up my wife's slack; if the situation was different, I would be more than happy to buy a house myself for both of us. However, given my wife makes equal income and chooses to give it away, I do NOT believe I should have to pick up her slack in our partnership. Despite much protest, I do not believe my wife has given consideration or respect to me, as evidenced by her continued support for her mother and also by her inabilty to work on our goals.

 

Please feel free to provide feedback and request any further relevant information. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you again!

[january2011]

I don't think your wife can be blamed for supporting her mother financially. She hasn't been frittering away her money on luxuries.

 

However, you did raise concerns and she made promises that she would keep up her end of the bargain regarding your joint life goals. And she has failed to deliver on this.

 

Your life goals might still be similar but there is a disparity in your financial goals and responsibilities. Presumably her mother is going to be around for a while and will continue to need your wife's support. If you cannot reconcile this and do not see a long-term future with your wife, then divorce may be the only option. This is for you to decide. Are you willing to continue like this for another five and a half years or even another year?

[samuelmari]

I don't think your wife can be blamed for supporting her mother financially. She hasn't been frittering away her money on luxuries.

 

I disagree with this. Her mother bought a home she could not afford, not out of necessity, but out of selfishness. Her mother literally threw a fit and cried until she talked my wife into agreeing to help pay for the home. If her mother was needy, I would understand. But buying a home she (MIL) clearly could not afford ($1500 montly mortgage with $1100 income from public aid programs) with the assumption that my wife would pick up the slack for 30 years is completely unacceptable to me. It is more as if my wife has been throwing away her money on my MIL's luxuries. Also show's MIL's disregard for my wife's loyalty to me.

 

 

However, you did raise concerns and she made promises that she would keep up her end of the bargain regarding your joint life goals. And she has failed to deliver on this.

 

Completely agree. She has made no further reference to this and to me, this evidences a complete disregard for our goals.

 

Your life goals might still be similar but there is a disparity in your financial goals and responsibilities. Presumably her mother is going to be around for a while and will continue to need your wife's support. If you cannot reconcile this and do not see a long-term future with your wife, then divorce may be the only option. This is for you to decide. Are you willing to continue like this for another five and a half years or even another year?

 

At this point, I am not willing to let this issue slide for another year. IMHO, Relationships are about tolerance. Some would have tolerated this behavior for 1 year, others forever, and others would have never tolerated it. I think I am at my breaking point with tolerating this and have been more than nice and accomodating.

 

Good unbiased repsonse thanks!

Edited April 15, 2012 by samuelmari
quotes

[oldguy]

You have 2 distinct concerns from what I gather; being number 2 to your wife's mother. Children will place you even further down on that list I would think. Your second concern is your wife not being proactive in what you believe are your shared dreams. It seems as though the major issue is that you and your wife do not share the same priorities.

 

You knew her for 4 1/2 years before you got married. Didn't you realize this then? Has she always put her mother before you to the extent of supporting her? That is what your saying she does right, I mean her money isn't being siphoned off anywhere else that you know of? Because I've got to tell you; Spending $50 grand a year & having nothing to show for it when essentially your saying you support her, you live in an apartment & you have no kids, is a lot of money to blow. I know poor families that manage to get by on a 3rd of that.

 

Your 32, the two of you don't have kids or a mortgage. Your not happy & she is not willing to change & you have no margin for change. That would leave 2 choices; stay together and hope something magically changes in your favor or don't. And from reading your post I think you have already made your mind up your just here looking for support

Alright, you have one anonymous strangers vote of approval. Go ahead & leave her.

No one can make life choices for you especially "anonymous strangers" on a chat room. I am sorry for what you are going through but based on a single early AM post I gather you have already decided what your would like to do & from you side of the story it doesn't sound unreasonable. I think the courts call it; "irreconcilable differences".

I do sincerely wish you the best.

Edited April 15, 2012 by oldguy

[standtall]

When I read this

however my wife has consistently stated that her mother would always come first.

 

I pretty much stopped reading at that point. That is the problem..besides being a hen pecked doormat.....the rest is just static.

 

You have one of 2 choices.

 

1. Stay and tolerate being married to her and her mother being the miserable 3rd wheel.

2. Divorce....you do not sound strong enough to defeat them both.

[samuelmari]

You have 2 distinct concerns from what I gather; being number 2 to your wife's mother. Children will place you even further down on that list I would think. Your second concern is your wife not being proactive in what you believe are your shared dreams. It seems as though the major issue is that you and your wife do not share the same priorities.

 

I am definitely number two to MIL. Possibly even number three after my wife's career. She spends a significant amount of time in her work; even more difficult to swallow given that she is often busy and the fruits of her labor go elsewhere. Our priorities are significantly different: I thought we could grow and progress as a family; her priority seems to be the financial well being of her mother.

 

You knew her for 4 1/2 years before you got married. Didn't you realize this then? Has she always put her mother before you to the extent of supporting her? That is what your saying she does right, I mean her money isn't being siphoned off anywhere else that you know of? Because I've got to tell you; Spending $50 grand a year & having nothing to show for it when essentially your saying you support her, you live in an apartment & you have no kids, is a lot of money to blow. I know poor families that manage to get by on a 3rd of that.

 

 

Unfortunately, we had a long distance relationship and I think this hindered my ability to detect this. However, in retrospect, I think the writing was on the wall. Prior to our marriage, my wife lived with my MIL and two siblings (now 18 and 25). My wife was the primary wage earner and all of her income went to support her mother and siblings. My wife pulls her weight in our household, but has nothing left after paying her bills and providing MIL with support and paying for her car. I agree, considering our rent is $700 and we have no children, $60K yearly is a lot for her to blow.

 

Your 32, the two of you don't have kids or a mortgage. Your not happy & she is not willing to change & you have no margin for change. That would leave 2 choices; stay together and hope something magically changes in your favor or don't.

 

Am I sane to believe that almost 6 years is significant evidence that there is no change in sight? Like you stated, only change may come "magically" at this point.

 

Alright, you have one anonymous strangers vote of approval. Go ahead & leave her.

Thanks for your unbiased feedback....especially this early Sunday morning.

[samuelmari]

When I read this

 

 

I pretty much stopped reading at that point. That is the problem..besides being a hen pecked doormat.....the rest is just static.

 

You have one of 2 choices.

 

1. Stay and tolerate being married to her and her mother being the miserable 3rd wheel.

2. Divorce....you do not sound strong enough to defeat them both.

 

I have been too nice for too long. I love my wife and try to see the best in her. However, my well being should also be important.

 

I also thought maybe I was being an A**hole. Maybe I'm not and it's time to grow a pair. Thanks for your opinion... confirmed the two logical choices. Appreciated again.