immitable Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) We often get hardcore advices like NC, "strict NC", "you go girl", "they should be crawling on a broken glas to want you back" have to tell you "they made a mistake" and other type of advices. While I think NC is good in initial stages or months even. These advices are still full of bitterness. You will get a lot of questions if couples ever get second chances and the answer you get usually in the lines of "it is rare", yet your logic is telling you something different. How often do you read "my ex gf moved back with her ex", "left me for ex", "moved back in with the father of her children" "ex problem" etc? So, do you think their exs got them back from you solely through strict NC? - I don't think so. The fact you need to realise is that after the bu you need to work on yourself and after time passed try to build the attraction with your ex and this is where the LS advice fails miserably, if you think it is a true love nothing should stop you to fight for it. Edited April 15, 2012 by immitable 3
0hpenelope Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) Yup, I can see your perspective too. Eventually, the dumper/dumpee mindset has to be forfeited. If the "dumpee" hasn't used NC properly - and by this I mean detaching from the break up, learning, not coming from a place where they're wrought with post-break up feelings - then yeah, there's still going to be bitterness and contact initiated by either party will probably not end well. :-\ Someone will have to make the first contact and while we would like it to be the "dumpers," it can also depend on how the break up went. I'll present myself as an example. I've been respectful of my ex's space and I was the one who told him I don't want to speak to him ever again. He hasn't gotten in touch on his own accord, either. Now, if I tell someone that I don't want to talk to them ever again but then I got over whatever hurt I felt, guess who's probably going to have to make the first move? Me. He's not going to (whether forever or for a while) because the last words he remembers from me are "I don't want to talk to you ever again." Maybe he'll contact me first too, that's also a possibility. But most likely the initiation will come from me should I be ready and want to. Letting go really is key. I finally understood what people mean by a break up being a success. And I hope that the people who come to LS for advice, I wish that they will eventually come to these realizations too. Edited April 15, 2012 by 0hpenelope 1
Frank13 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) How often do you read "my ex gf moved back with her ex", "left me for ex", "moved back in with the father of her children" "ex problem" etc? So, do you think their exs got them back from you solely through strict NC? - I don't think so. The fact you need to realise is that after the bu you need to work on yourself and after time passed try to build the attraction with your ex and this is where the LS advice fails miserably, if you think it is a true love nothing should stop you to fight for it. The fatal flaw you're making is that 99.9% of the people don't get back together. Most of the time there is no need to build the attraction because the relationship is gone for good. In that case NC is the way to heal. And for those who do get back with their ex, how do you know the ex, who was probably the dumper, wasn't saying "I made a mistake", "I want you back". In that case the dumpee stayed strict NC and that may have been the thing to bring the ex back. Edited April 15, 2012 by Frank13
Exit Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 True love is not something that should have to be fought for. 1
Author immitable Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 The fatal flaw you're making is that 99.9% of the people don't get back together. Most of the time there is no need to build the attraction because the relationship is gone for good. In that case NC is the way to heal. And for those who do get back with their ex, how do you know the ex, who was probably the dumper, wasn't saying "I made a mistake", "I want you back". In that case the dumpee stayed strict NC and that may have been the thing to bring the ex back. You really need to get your assumptions and numbers straight.
Author immitable Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 True love is not something that should have to be fought for. .....said who?
Cmac Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 It really depends on the relationship. Every relationship is different, no one can say NC is right for everyone, no one can say that it is wrong. Decide what is best for you, don't let a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet dictate how you behave. If you want to fight for your relationship, do it. If you want to go NC, do it. You know better than anyone what you want to do.
xxSRMxx Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I plan on going NC for a few weeks just to get my head straight, but im not interested in never talking to him again, no way. we are good friends and if there is ANY chance of something working then eventually we will have to talk. I said to him how will you ever know if ive changed if we dont see each other? He said obv that wont be the case and we will still be in touch.. However I do want NC for now, just so i can work on myself and let my head clear for a bit, if he got with another woman I would probably do permanent NC just so that i can spare myself the gory details. Everybody is different.
M2155 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I never saw NC=forever. NC to heal, grow, detach, change. After that, do what you need to do! But if you are still the old person trying to bring back the old relationship, that still has old problems, you still have work to do. Your goal should be a fresh start, be it with your ex or with someone new. You can't make a clean start when it's still dirty. I can tell you my ex started a full relationship for nearly two years before going back to his ex. I doubt they were in contact at all for a good portion of that- he was healing, changing and crap. NC at its best
carhill Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Just like therapy is not for everyone, NC is not for everyone. Both are, however, options to consider.
0hpenelope Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) It really depends on the relationship. Every relationship is different, no one can say NC is right for everyone, no one can say that it is wrong. Decide what is best for you, don't let a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet dictate how you behave. If you want to fight for your relationship, do it. If you want to go NC, do it. You know better than anyone what you want to do. Yeah, it took me a while to come to terms with this too. In all the years I've been here, NC was used in so many different ways but the 100% commonality is that everyone wants those who were hurt to detach from the past and to grow from it. I remain a staunch advocate of it because it's the best way to allow the "dumpees" to have a clear head. Being in touch with the source of hurt will allow them the same thing, but it will take longer. Then they will get drunk and send text messages and e-mails while drunk. This is me reacting to TaraMaiden's thread, by the way, it really cracked me up to see it. I never saw NC=forever. NC to heal, grow, detach, change. After that, do what you need to do! But if you are still the old person trying to bring back the old relationship, that still has old problems, you still have work to do. Your goal should be a fresh start, be it with your ex or with someone new. You can't make a clean start when it's still dirty. I can tell you my ex started a full relationship for nearly two years before going back to his ex. I doubt they were in contact at all for a good portion of that- he was healing, changing and crap. NC at its best Awww... M2155, I'm sorry to hear that and I admit I laughed a little. It sounds like you're doing well or as best as you can. What a great attitude! It will take me a while to get to where you're at, had it happened that my ex went back to one of his exes. I'd probably go NC forever in that case. The old person wanting the relationship back is not the person the ex would want to see, yes. The past, "going backward" if you will, is a source of guilt and pressure. After learning what I learned, "move forward, not backward" means forgiveness is moving forward. It's got nothing to do with who left who and what happened what. Backward, to me, is staying angry and bitter and I resolved to myself that I will refuse to be a victim to these emotions for a long time. I will not dwell there. If saying your peace to the ex will help after backing off and allowing space, not being a source of pressure, do so and be ready to handle whether or not the ex will respond favorably, unfavorably, or give no response at all. I did get in touch with the ex eventually and this was after 1+ years of complete silence from me. I was at the place where reaching out wouldn't hurt me anymore. I cannot even remember his face now and if that's not part of moving on, I don't know what is. When I said that I didn't want to talk to him ever again, I was coming from a place of hurt and anger. I've dated, I've healed, and I've grown. Edited April 15, 2012 by 0hpenelope
Nohbody Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I know for myself, I initially was using NC in the hope that it would somehow cause the other person to miss me. As time went on, my motives changed. I am continuing to maintain NC after the person has attempted to contact me several times. NC helped me develop a perspective that I badly needed, but that only applies to my situation. I recommend people maintain NC so that they can develop a perspective for themselves and then make their decisions with their own best interests at heart. 3
mridul_chajilee Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 NC improve your patients.At the time of my break up,my friends told me not to contact her but at that time i was just like a mad and dialed her number in every hour and she finaly got bitter from me and at last she changed her phone number,email,her rent house and finaly her job too.Now,i am bound to be follow NC coz i don't have any way to contact her and after 1year of NC,i also did not like to dig the past history and finally i am now 2 and half year of NC.Its 'OK' that i am doing NC,But when some of my friends told me that they saw my EX in public,then my heart tell me to go there to see her but i stop it.If you realy love your EX then no way.Just imagine if you realy love ur ex the day when she will marry and u can't do nothing and also imagine how she will sleep with her husband coz 1day she slept with you.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Consider the neurochemistry behind pair bonding of which two hormones stand front and center. Both hormones are released through orgasm. Oxytocin pair bonds and relieves stress. Dopamine is part of your reward center. As a way to emphasize the impact of dopamine, drugs like cocaine and heroine are illegal since they impact on the dopamine reward system. Notice how much anxiety is generated when you break up? This anxiety is caused by withdrawal to a drug (dopamine) and reduction of the stress relieving, pair bonding hormone (oxytocin). In essence, you are breaking an addiction cold turkey. 1
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