KeepSmilingThrough Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) Thanks to anyone who reads this cry for help. 16 years ago I met a 42 year old man and we saw each other for a few months before he told me he was married. At that point I ended the relationship, as I knew then he couldn’t give me what I wanted – I ‘m gay and I wanted long term relationship. But by that point I had fallen in love with him. A few months afterwards he contacted me again and asked if we could be friends – we spent the next 7 years seeing each other as platonic friends, going out for meals etc. and at one point he told me that he had “intense feelings” for me when we first met and it was hard on him when I ended it as “relationship”. After 7 years I moved 500 miles away and he said he we miss me a lot and asked if we could still keep in contact which we did and have done so for the past 9 years by text, IM and video on the computer. During this 7 year period he retired and changed careers and now does shift work , which he said suited him as it enabled him to meet other men, though he said they were few and far between now-a-days. He’s repeatedly told me over this period that He was so glad that I had kept in contact with him, as all of his other affairs, eventually stopped having “no contact” – ignoring his texts, letters and emails. That I was the only one he could be truly himself. He has no other close friends in his private life, only his wife who he says he stays with ,as she’s a friend. She doesn’t know that he’s gay. During that 7 year period he kept saying time and time again that it would be so great if we could meet up again when I came back home to see my parents.(about 5 times a year) I told each time I was coming up, but time and time again he kept making excuses why he wasn’t able to meet. Saying he would let me know by a certain day but never contacting me. But the next time he was online he contacted me he kept on saying how great it would be to meet again. In all the 7 years that I have been away we met no more that 4 times. I always saw myself as a friend to him and no more. We have fallen out a couple of time, as with hindsight , I felt he led me on saying that he very much wanted to meet then appearing never to make any effort. Repeatedly only a few months afterwards for him to contact me again and ask if I was speaking to him as he thought I was annoyed at him – he never said sorry or can we please stay as friends. I was as if nothing had happened. One month ago a told him that I was flying up and f or some reason he thought it was the next month, when I corrected him, he immediately said he was free and would come and pick me up from the airport. I was surprised when he said this and said OK. When we got to his car, he leant over and surprised me again by suddenly giving me a long kiss. I froze and couldn’t move when he did this – I was so surprised. We went for a drive and chatted about things, him saying it was great to see me again at last and gave me another kiss goodbye when he dropped me off at my parents and left. This is were my problems start,. I am currently with my partner of 8 years who I love very much and want to spend the rest of my life with. Seeing him again, him kissing me again brought to the surface emotions for him that I had hidden or not realised for the past 16 years. It’s been a month and in that month he has told me that he will always love me for the first time. He has annoyed me again. The last contact I had with him was an email sent over a week ago asking him to phone me as soon as he was free so we could talk rather than emails and texts which can be miss-interpreted. As usual, he hasn't called, he responds to any depth of seriousness of emotion with him going distant and emotionally cold, not being on line to chat is a typical example of when he does like this - then he suddenly appears a couple of months afterwards saying “hi how are you mate” He has never spoken about his emotions in the 16 years that I have known him. The attitude I feel from him is one of he’ll let me have my little tantrum and contact me again in a few months and act as though nothing is wrong. I feel as though I have split up with a long-term relationship and my heart is breaking. I want and will have no contact with him. If I never saw or hear from him again I would be sad but also very relieved to be out of this frustrating and annoying friendship. He keeps getting under my skin, time and time again! My problems: 1. At the moment I keep myself busy with work and other interests. It’s when I go to bed and try to sleep that he comes to the forefront of my mind and I can’t stop thinking about him and I have only a few hours sleep a night as a result. I keep remembering the good times and when I try to remember the bad, all the hurt and pain comes back. 2. What should I do and say when, as in the past, he contacts me again in a few months. 3. Why after all these years should I suddenly be so affected by my emotions for him - I feel as though my heart has been broken. I do acknowledge that was a deep emotion that I kept hidden for so long from myself. Any advice would be gratefully received – many thanks and apologies for this being so long. I needed to get this off my chest as I have no friends who I can speak to about this – thanks again. Edited April 15, 2012 by KeepSmilingThrough
january2011 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 He is still with his wife and isn't going to leave her. She doesn't know that he's gay. So, presumably, she also doesn't know that he's endangering her sexual health by his sleeping around. You're in a long-term relationship. You love your partner. Very much. You want to spend the rest of your life with him. Presumably that involves fidelity. I think that you never really gave yourself the time and space to get over this guy and he never allowed you that time and space either. Go NC and block his attempts to contact you again. You want a long-term relationship, you've got one. This other guy can't give you that no matter how strongly you feel about each other. 2
Author KeepSmilingThrough Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Many thanks for you reply - it really helped. Just to let you know they are both now in their late 50s and stopped having sex a long time ago - so thankfully she's not at risk - I always worried about his wife and putting her at risk. He stays with her because it's safe, it's what he knows and they are very, very comfortably off - he is in effect living a two lives and not being honest to himself or his wife. Something I could not do. I believe in "This above all else, to thine own self be true" for if you can't be true to yourself, how can you be true to anyone else. Even if we were both single I would never want a relationship with him, for as much as I know him, I could never fully trust him and he is unable to express his emotions - he hides them away. I knew that a long time ago. I was 25 when I finally accepted my sexuality and went through depression and suicidal thoughts before then. I saw a psychologist when I moved away and she told me that I was raised to please people at the detriment of my own happiness and I was controlled for most of my life - by my parents, my teachers and ex partners. If I let anyone down it can still badly effect me - though I can now understand and rationalise why I feel that way. I am very old fashioned so to speak, love romance, I'm emotional and not afraid to talk and feel my emotions. I also believe in fidelity - I have done all my life. It's because this came totally out of nowhere and was totally unexpected - I never thought I would get so emotional about him. It really hit me. I have now turned the corner, after a lot of heartaches in the past I've learnt to recognise that moment. I feel much better now that I have been able to tell someone and that it helps me accept things as they really are. You are totally right in that he has not allowed me to properly get over him, he has always kept a hook in, so when it suits him, he can tug me back into his life. NC is the only way. I have to remind myself that I don't have to please him by staying in contact, as it's to the detriment of my own happiness and I shouldn't feel guilty about letting him down. It's amazing how your childhood upbringing can still affect you many years later. Many thanks again for your reply - it's been very much appreciated.
january2011 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 You're welcome. I'm glad it helped. I think you already knew what had to be done and just needed to 'say it out loud'. I hope that with NC and time, you are able to put this behind you and get on with your life. Best of luck to you and your partner.
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