skyloreang Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Hi I know this topic's been addressed a thousand times before. But I'm new at this whole thing and I just wanted to ask. I've talked to a lot of my friends and family about my situation and a lot gave good advice. But then again I'm still really a mess at times and would love to see how an outside view might be? Well I met this girl back in college, and we really hit it off. She was cute, independent, smart and really wanted to experience life. We fell in love, she was my first and I was hers in basically everything. But from the very start there were a few complications. We lived in Asia. I was chinese and she wasn't. Culturally it made it harder for my family to accept her if I introduced her (it's just part of the way we were). Additionally, after a year together, her family moved to Canada. and we decided to try the whole long distance thing even if it felt like things looked bleak. Eventually I did follow her all the way here to Canada, took up studies and am now employed. The problem though is the move took a toll on both of us and things got a bit rocky. She wasn't happy anymore, and it was a lot on me because for the longest time I wasn't sure about what I wanted out of my career and I was in a strange place culturally and geographically. I started regressing and she felt like I didn't care about her anymore. I don't blame her, I was going through a rough stage and I admit to a lot my mistakes. She got sad enough that at one point she wanted to take a break off of it. So she broke up with me. We were together for 3 years which isn't as long as some but definitely long enough that we invested a lot of ourselves in each other. I was devastated, and in a lot of ways it was a wake up call that we both had to get our act together. I thought to myself that maybe it was good that we find ourselves and really fix it and things will get better, so I was determined to be a better man. But then I found out that a classmate of hers had started spending an awful lot of time with her. At one point went out with her to downtown though she claims it meant nothing. By the next week he was inviting her over to his place and wanted to take her to the mountains. She was going to but I had mentioned that i found it very uncomfortable. Eventually by the second week they were virtually dating, kissing and the whole thing. And I of course, never having gone through something like this, just became a huge wreck, from sobbing to hating myself to being just plain pathetic. I had never had to go through something like that and I'm afraid to say I really didn't handle it well. She balked and we both decided we needed some time away from each other. It's been two months now and I'm at a more grounded state. I still dream about her everynight and wake up feeling ****ty and really missing her. It takes me a lot of work to get myself into a good state of mind and smile for the day, but I do so. But that doesn't change the fact that I do really love her and care for her and really wish we'd get a second chance at making things right. But at the same time she's progressed to a place where she really immersed herself to be happy with this new guy (he's from denmark). she's met his parents, spends virtually every night with him before going home and they're taking vacations together (sucks that I know these but I do). They virtually spend the whole day together as classmates and see each other everynight and then go home and chat to each other online. How could I compete with that? She gushed about how he's always being there for her, which I found a bit like a stab at me during the latter stages of the relationship. This guy also happens to be the complete opposite to me in virtually every way. While I'm introverted, more prone to spending quiet nights with books, games and shows. I don't find it easy to show my affections but I always do my best to do right by others. I prefer more artistic endeavors as well and come from an artistic background. This guy is ver extroverted, can't wait to show his affections and take the intiative. Loves to party, flirt and likes to drink; loves the fancy stuff (comes from a well of family), and has very different tastes in music, movies and hates reading. So yah, a lot of ways my complete opposite. My ex and i talk a bit from time to time, and while theres still a bit of bad memories, she tells me I'm special in a way that no one knows her more than I do and she looks at me more than just a friend. But I really still wish for a time where we can work things out. I know one day I should move on, logic tells met that it's long over. But at the same time I really do still love and care for her and can't help but hope that sometime in the future they won't work out and I could get the chance. I don't know if that second chance would work but I'd love to get the chance to show her just how much she meant to me and how stupid the last phase of our relationship had been. I know it sounds selfish hoping they don't work out, but it is what it is. I'm also not quite familiar with the more western approaches to relationships, as back home we are used to taking things a whole lot slower (which is why her quickly moving to someone new was such a shock to me). I was wondering whether this constitutes as a rebound relationship or does it feel like they actually do love each other? Is it possible for that to happen in such a small amount of time and so quickly? Or are they just in a stage where they just want to immerse themselves in perfect happiness with each other and real relationship problems have yet to sink in? I mean I finished school a few months ago and now got a steady good job, but neither of them have yet to finish the same school and get jobs ( he in fact has little experience with these kind of things since he's from a very well to do family that has so far taken care of all his monetary needs)? I don't know. I guess I was just hoping to know what you guys think? I'm still a wreck and madly in love with her, but Im also doing my best to stay level-headed about the situation. I really want to wait and see how things go between them and maybe I'll get that shot again. But should I still cling on to that hope? Or does it sound like theyre both already in a satisfying non-rebound relationship? (By the way, I asked her if she ever saw us together again in the future. She said you never know but right now I have to assume no because she just wants to leave behind the negativity for now) Thanks for any advice and for taking the time to read and listen.
thepedestrian Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 My ex and i talk a bit from time to time, and while theres still a bit of bad memories, she tells me I'm special in a way that no one knows her more than I do and she looks at me more than just a friend. But I really still wish for a time where we can work things out. I know one day I should move on, logic tells met that it's long over. But at the same time I really do still love and care for her and can't help but hope that sometime in the future they won't work out and I could get the chance. I don't know if that second chance would work but I'd love to get the chance to show her just how much she meant to me and how stupid the last phase of our relationship had been. I know it sounds selfish hoping they don't work out, but it is what it is. Ouch, sounds like shes stringing you along in case things don't work out. That sucks big time my friend. Also its not selfish, but honestly it really does sound like you need to try and forget about her and move on to something better. Also what would she be more attracted to: 1) The man who waited and pinned over her while she plays out her relationship 2)The man who moved on with his life I also "hoped" my ex relationship wouldn't work out at one time, but then I realized I was being pathetic. Now I hope she does whatever makes her happy and I'm moving on.
thepedestrian Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Ouch, didn't see this part "(By the way, I asked her if she ever saw us together again in the future. She said you never know but right now I have to assume no because she just wants to leave behind the negativity for now)" That is woman talk for NO! Move on! She is trying to let you down nicely.
Author skyloreang Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 I get that she doesnt want to get back together (at least at this point and for the foreseeable future) and just wants to leave it behind. She probably barely thinks of me anymore now that she spends so much of her time with the new man in her life. I get that I should move on and everyday I have to work to pick myself up and do so. At the same time though I can't help but break down and try to analyze their whole relationship. Fact is, my mind is making me do the right thing and work on my life but my heart keeps wishing they wont' work out and I'd get a second chance in the future.
0hpenelope Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 You can analyze their whole relationship and I tell you, it'd be littered with as much holes as swiss cheese has - just like a lot of our advice here on LS. Take everything with a grain of salt, especially what your judgments are regarding them. Your head will not be in a place of clarity for a while and I won't tell you that wishing they won't work out is wrong. It is normal. Don't sweat the new relationship. Feel your feelings but you have options here too. She should enjoy her new guy and you don't have to stick around to be her friend. Do your own thing too. The best part about all of this is that you're really free to do what you want. Enjoy being single and use as much time as you need to grow from this experience.
Author skyloreang Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Thanks. Honestly part of me was irrationally hoping someone would give me their perspective on her new relationship. But I know if I could barely make heads or tails of it I doubt some others who don't know them would. It's just my first time dealing with all this and I'm still finding it really hard to let go.
0hpenelope Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Thanks. Honestly part of me was irrationally hoping someone would give me their perspective on her new relationship. But I know if I could barely make heads or tails of it I doubt some others who don't know them would. It's just my first time dealing with all this and I'm still finding it really hard to let go. Someone may give you a perspective but honestly, I hesitate to engage in such things now simply because I don't know the people involved and I learned that making assumptions about things is not helpful at all. I will say for sure, don't worry about the new relationship. It's really not that big of a deal for your purposes and I don't think you will see why anytime soon, which is okay too. You'll let go with time. Listen, letting go is absolutely necessary for both a possibility of reconciliation (not a guarantee) AND starting up with someone new. Don't worry about either one because you do need to buckle down and work on yourself. I advocate NC because as painful as it is, I've found that it's the best way to get over the negative feelings that come from breaking up. If you're not ready to do that, that's fine but it will definitely take you longer to let go. Sometimes we really do have to trip multiple times in order to learn not to run after someone who doesn't want to be with us. But the sooner you stop "running after" her, the better it will be for you.
Author skyloreang Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I will really try. I went NC for like 2 weeks before I started missing her terribly and broke it. I tried to contain myself again but I ended up asking to see her again, for just an hour at a coffee shop. There were some nice moments where we talked very freely again but at the same time, it felt really hurtful when she started talking enthusiastically bout how things were going with her new guy. I broke NC because I really missed her and while I was really happy to see her it was also very painful being told how she's progressing with her new guy. So right now I'm thinking whether I should just stick to NC for as long as possible and really stick to it...
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