Emotionally unavaliable/avoidant or nothing at all?

[emby]

If someone could help me to analyse this so I don't feel the need to harass my ex with questions, I'd appreciate it.

 

In a nutshell, my boyfriend left me after over 4 months together because...well, I'm not really sure. He wasn't happy, I was. We met at the start of the semester/term at uni, which was start of my second year and start of his first/freshman year. We're the same age. First 2 months were amazing. I told him I didn't expect him to want a relationship in his first year but he had taken a gap year and pursued me and asked me out. He said 'I knew I'd meet someone special at uni, I just didn't think it would be so soon'. We met at the end of the first week and were official on the third week.

 

At the end of December we had an argument which culminating in him saying he wanted to break up (it was argument based around jealousy of his female friends). I started crying and at some point said 'but I think I'm falling for you'. After a while of persuasion that I would stop being jealous, he said 'I would give you a chance but the cat's out of the bag now you've said you're falling for me. I don't want to fall in love again.'

I basically took back what I said and said I wasn't sure (which I wasn't at the time), we stayed together and I didn't think much of it.

 

However once I got to asking him about past relationships. He said he dumped all of them, and 2 or 3 of them he described as 'witches'. The final one he would never tell me what happened between them because it was too painful to talk about. I found out after we broke up that he had left her after 1.5 years because he knew she was moving away eventually so it was for the best as he was going on his gap year as well. She cut him out of her life, and 4 months later, he saw her going out with one of his best friends. They're still together. Now, I know this must have hurt but he dumped HER...but according to one of his friends it was a long slow process of getting over it. This was his last relationship before about a year of being single, and then me.

 

So back to our relationship...sometimes he would say during discussion 'I don't want a serious relationship'. Now, we were seeing each other every day, staying over most nights, we met and spent time with each other's parents (his bought me dinner and took me shopping etc), we were official and 'facebook official' and all the rest. I ignored his comment, which he couldn't explain, because I thought 'well actions speak louder than words, he's clearly IN a serious relationship'. We were never casual.

He was however very bad at communicating his feelings and emotions. He would never tell me that he needed space when he did, although I would have been more than happy to give him more of it.

 

Eventually I told him I loved him, and he didn't say it back, but he didn't leave me. Everyone told me that he obviously DID love me because for all the world it looked like he did. He put a lot of effort into the relationship, was affectionate and I certainly FELT loved. The only things missing for me were the words, so I let it go. I thought he was scared to say it. He spent £50 on me at Christmas and bought me a necklace and cooked me a three course meal on Valentines Day.

Yet at the end of February, he broke up with me. Another argument but he said he wasn't leaving me because of that. He said he doesn't want a relationship and I should find somebody better etc. He said it's not about other girls and he doesn't want anything with anyone. He cried. But he said he doesn't love me, never did.

 

Post breakup, he said 'you're not unloveable and I wasn't stopping myself, but I'm rationally minded about these things and I didn't come to uni to fall in love'.

Now I know he's a young guy, he wants to be single etc...but it just feels like more than that. Fair enough if he had never asked me out but he did, and he stayed with me for over 4 months. We even got back together which lasted a week. He knew I loved him, he watched me fall in love and I'm not perfect but I gave him as much as I could.

Surely the normal progression of a relationship is to fall in love with each other?

The whole thing is so conflicted. 'I don't want a serious relationship' 'I don't want to fall in love again', yet he was spending all his time with me, his girlfriend.

I've been reading up on emotionally unavaliable and avoidant men and I just can't help but think he ticks the boxes...

I know the thing with his ex (only one he ever loved) hit him very hard and it killed to see her with his friend. I can only think that hurt is a big part of the reason he wouldn't open himself up to me properly or fall in love.

I once asked him if he doesn't want a serious relationship because he's scared of getting hurt and he said 'no, I'm scared of hurting you.'

I feel like he WAS the one scared of getting hurt, or what my revenge would be if he hurt me, or his guilt from the previous relationship breakup.

 

A penny for your thoughts?

[BewitchedandBothered]

If someone could help me to analyse this so I don't feel the need to harass my ex with questions, I'd appreciate it.

 

In a nutshell, my boyfriend left me after over 4 months together because...well, I'm not really sure. He wasn't happy, I was. We met at the start of the semester/term at uni, which was start of my second year and start of his first/freshman year. We're the same age. First 2 months were amazing. I told him I didn't expect him to want a relationship in his first year but he had taken a gap year and pursued me and asked me out. He said 'I knew I'd meet someone special at uni, I just didn't think it would be so soon'. We met at the end of the first week and were official on the third week.

 

At the end of December we had an argument which culminating in him saying he wanted to break up (it was argument based around jealousy of his female friends). I started crying and at some point said 'but I think I'm falling for you'. After a while of persuasion that I would stop being jealous, he said 'I would give you a chance but the cat's out of the bag now you've said you're falling for me. I don't want to fall in love again.'

I basically took back what I said and said I wasn't sure (which I wasn't at the time), we stayed together and I didn't think much of it.

 

However once I got to asking him about past relationships. He said he dumped all of them, and 2 or 3 of them he described as 'witches'. The final one he would never tell me what happened between them because it was too painful to talk about. I found out after we broke up that he had left her after 1.5 years because he knew she was moving away eventually so it was for the best as he was going on his gap year as well. She cut him out of her life, and 4 months later, he saw her going out with one of his best friends. They're still together. Now, I know this must have hurt but he dumped HER...but according to one of his friends it was a long slow process of getting over it. This was his last relationship before about a year of being single, and then me.

 

So back to our relationship...sometimes he would say during discussion 'I don't want a serious relationship'. Now, we were seeing each other every day, staying over most nights, we met and spent time with each other's parents (his bought me dinner and took me shopping etc), we were official and 'facebook official' and all the rest. I ignored his comment, which he couldn't explain, because I thought 'well actions speak louder than words, he's clearly IN a serious relationship'. We were never casual.

He was however very bad at communicating his feelings and emotions. He would never tell me that he needed space when he did, although I would have been more than happy to give him more of it.

 

Eventually I told him I loved him, and he didn't say it back, but he didn't leave me. Everyone told me that he obviously DID love me because for all the world it looked like he did. He put a lot of effort into the relationship, was affectionate and I certainly FELT loved. The only things missing for me were the words, so I let it go. I thought he was scared to say it. He spent £50 on me at Christmas and bought me a necklace and cooked me a three course meal on Valentines Day.

Yet at the end of February, he broke up with me. Another argument but he said he wasn't leaving me because of that. He said he doesn't want a relationship and I should find somebody better etc. He said it's not about other girls and he doesn't want anything with anyone. He cried. But he said he doesn't love me, never did.

 

Post breakup, he said 'you're not unloveable and I wasn't stopping myself, but I'm rationally minded about these things and I didn't come to uni to fall in love'.

Now I know he's a young guy, he wants to be single etc...but it just feels like more than that. Fair enough if he had never asked me out but he did, and he stayed with me for over 4 months. We even got back together which lasted a week. He knew I loved him, he watched me fall in love and I'm not perfect but I gave him as much as I could.

Surely the normal progression of a relationship is to fall in love with each other?

The whole thing is so conflicted. 'I don't want a serious relationship' 'I don't want to fall in love again', yet he was spending all his time with me, his girlfriend.

I've been reading up on emotionally unavaliable and avoidant men and I just can't help but think he ticks the boxes...

I know the thing with his ex (only one he ever loved) hit him very hard and it killed to see her with his friend. I can only think that hurt is a big part of the reason he wouldn't open himself up to me properly or fall in love.

I once asked him if he doesn't want a serious relationship because he's scared of getting hurt and he said 'no, I'm scared of hurting you.'

I feel like he WAS the one scared of getting hurt, or what my revenge would be if he hurt me, or his guilt from the previous relationship breakup.

 

A penny for your thoughts?

It means you were his toy for 4 months. How 'noble' of him to say "I'm scared of hurting you". He just didn't' want to hurt your feelings. He is a habitual dumper, too.

[emby]

I don't want to feel like I'm making excuses for him or why the relationship failed...but I want to know if it's really true or not, is it him not me?

 

I wasn't a perfect girlfriend but by the end of the relationship my jealousy issues were gone and I supported him in everything he did outside of the relationship. He says I didn't give him enough space but I'd always ask if he wanted me to stay or not and he wouldn't give me a straight answer! He was always afraid to ask for space but I don't know why because if he ever did say he didn't want to see me, I was fine about it. His communication was so bad, and according to him he's never had problems with communication in relationships before.

[emby]

It means you were his toy for 4 months. How 'noble' of him to say "I'm scared of hurting you". He just didn't' want to hurt your feelings. He is a habitual dumper, too.

 

If I was his toy, why didn't he just sleep with me casually?

Could have had the benefits without the effort. And I did basically offer that to him when we started seeing each other but he pushed for the relationship.

 

Yeah I thought it was weird that he dumped all his exes. I wasn't sure how normal that is. All I know is one girl he left after 2 weeks because they 'weren't compatible', he dumped his first, and that he left this long term relationship because it was 'for the best'.

[emby]

Was it too much to expect him to be falling in love after 4 months?

Or getting anywhere near that point?

I told myself I was fine to carry on until the 6 month mark where I'd allow myself to question him. I figured it takes some people longer than others...

[BewitchedandBothered]

Was it too much to expect him to be falling in love after 4 months?

Or getting anywhere near that point?

I told myself I was fine to carry on until the 6 month mark where I'd allow myself to question him. I figured it takes some people longer than others...

apparently he DID have the benefits without the effort. He seems so arrogant. You didn't lose much here. He didn't go there to 'fall in love'; but he sure got some benefits from a nice girl out of it. You knew he wasn't into the love thing and pulled the ripcord and jumped in with both feet anyway. Now he dissed you.

 

And 4 months and 'falling in love" don't' seem to go together. You may think it's love, but it's infatuation. Love is changing your partner's surgical dressing because they are too ill to do so. Love is sharing each others' stories without fear of being judged by the other. Love is about being best friends and lovers and mutual trust. It's unconditional. That doesn't happen in 4 months. Sex happens in 4 months and sometimes it's so good that you see sky rockets before your eyes roll back in your head. People confuse good nookie with love.

 

There is nothing to love about this fellow. He has proven to be arrogant with the things he says to you. Allowing yourself to wait till the 6 month mark to question him? What does that mean? That's not a relationship. It's a standoff.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Was it too much to expect him to be falling in love after 4 months?

Or getting anywhere near that point?

I told myself I was fine to carry on until the 6 month mark where I'd allow myself to question him. I figured it takes some people longer than others...

 

way too much. it takes time to truly know someone and fall in love. 4 months is infatuation or sexual chemistry, often confused for love. Waiting for the 6 month mark to question him isn't a relationship...It's a standoff. mentally he hasn't reached puberty yet.

[emby]

apparently he DID have the benefits without the effort. He seems so arrogant. You didn't lose much here. He didn't go there to 'fall in love'; but he sure got some benefits from a nice girl out of it. You knew he wasn't into the love thing and pulled the ripcord and jumped in with both feet anyway. Now he dissed you.

 

And 4 months and 'falling in love" don't' seem to go together. You may think it's love, but it's infatuation. Love is changing your partner's surgical dressing because they are too ill to do so. Love is sharing each others' stories without fear of being judged by the other. Love is about being best friends and lovers and mutual trust. It's unconditional. That doesn't happen in 4 months. Sex happens in 4 months and sometimes it's so good that you see sky rockets before your eyes roll back in your head. People confuse good nookie with love.

 

There is nothing to love about this fellow. He has proven to be arrogant with the things he says to you. Allowing yourself to wait till the 6 month mark to question him? What does that mean? That's not a relationship. It's a standoff.

 

I did, and still do to some extent, love him. In a way unrelated to sex.

I love his cute little quirks, his imperfect ears, his laugh, voice... and he was my best friend.

I'm very aware of my own feelings.I fall in love VERY fast.

You probably think it can't have been love because he didn't love me, but I've loved before in relationships where they didn't love me yet.

The first 2 months were infatuation, and I know he felt those feelings too. I'm more inclined to think the infatuation/screwing like rabbits thing is round about over after 2 months of seeing each other every day.

I asked around and friends were telling me their partners had declared love after 2 or 3 months. Online people were saying that they would feel concerned if the L word hadn't been said after 6 months.

So, what I meant was, when I realised I was falling in love and he hadn't said it, I asked for advice, and people said don't worry about it until around 6 months. If he doesn't love you after 6 months of being with you, he probably never will. I would have simply asked him if he loved me or thought that he ever could.

[emby]

The worst thing is I feel totally unloveable, I hate myself for having lost him and struggle that his ex was good enough for him to fall in love with, but yet I wasn't. I want to ask him 'what's so bad about me??'

TOTALLY wrong attitude I know.

[BewitchedandBothered]

The worst thing is I feel totally unloveable, I hate myself for having lost him and struggle that his ex was good enough for him to fall in love with, but yet I wasn't. I want to ask him 'what's so bad about me??'

TOTALLY wrong attitude I know.

 

If you ask me, HE is unloveable. and if you ask him such a question, you won't get any answers. you just don't ask someone that kind of question. get some self esteem. There is nothing bad about you. You fell for the wrong person.

[The Great Gazoo]

Yeah I thought it was weird that he dumped all his exes.

 

 

Huge red flag!!! If there were lots of them that means he's more than likley an avoidant when it comes to attachment to his partners. Always looking for the next best thing, never happy, always looking for someone new, always looking for the ideal partner, scared to attach, scared to be emotionally available, runs away when things look serious. It was something about HIM not you.

 

This book talks all about the recent social psych research in adult attachment and he sounds avoidant.

 

 

Attached - the Book

Attached the Book | Attached, a new book by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. explores The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find

Edited April 15, 2012 by The Great Gazoo

[emby]

Huge red flag!!! If there were lots of them that means he's more than likley an avoidant when it comes to attachment to his partners. Always looking for the next best thing, never happy, always looking for someone new, always looking for the ideal partner, scared to attach, scared to be emotionally available, runs away when things look serious. It was something about HIM not you.

 

This book talks all about the recent social psych research in adult attachment and he sounds avoidant.

 

 

Attached - the Book

Attached the Book | Attached, a new book by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. explores The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find

 

 

Thanks. I know a decent amount about attachment styles because I study psych.

 

I'm not sure how many girlfriends he's had although there were at least 3 before me.

I truly fail to understand any of his actions. I think he's using university as a convenient excuse, because if he 'didn't come to uni to fall in love', it wouldn't make any sense to enter into a relationship after 3 weeks and to stay for 4 months. Maybe he left before things got serious for him but he knew full well they had been serious for me for some time. He got uncomfortable when I said I loved him and whenever I'd point out we'd been together for another month.

I don't understand why he was with a girl he loved for 1 and a half years and they were happy together. He is obviously capable of loving but for whatever reason 'doesn't want to fall in love again'. And he doesn't even want to pull girls, have casual sex, one night stands or anything like that. He is happy to have no kind of intimacy. He straight out told me on the phone recently he won't be sleeping with anyone and it doesn't bother him. How he can choose that solitary lifestyle is beyond me.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thanks. I know a decent amount about attachment styles because I study psych.

 

I'm not sure how many girlfriends he's had although there were at least 3 before me.

I truly fail to understand any of his actions. I think he's using university as a convenient excuse, because if he 'didn't come to uni to fall in love', it wouldn't make any sense to enter into a relationship after 3 weeks and to stay for 4 months. Maybe he left before things got serious for him but he knew full well they had been serious for me for some time. He got uncomfortable when I said I loved him and whenever I'd point out we'd been together for another month.

I don't understand why he was with a girl he loved for 1 and a half years and they were happy together. He is obviously capable of loving but for whatever reason 'doesn't want to fall in love again'. And he doesn't even want to pull girls, have casual sex, one night stands or anything like that. He is happy to have no kind of intimacy. He straight out told me on the phone recently he won't be sleeping with anyone and it doesn't bother him. How he can choose that solitary lifestyle is beyond me.

 

He got comfortable because he was getting nookie from a young lady who was feeding his already inflated ego by saying you love him. And you should be in NC, why were you on the phone recently when you are supposed to be using that time to heal from this guy?