New boyfriend hopes my body doesn't change?

[threebyfate]

How is the OP's boyfriend's comments affecting anyone's ability to choose anything?

 

Also, attraction generally isn't something you choose to feel, nor is it something you can choose to extinguish either. Losing your attraction would likely be a visceral reaction, not a choice.

What's with people believing they have a right to control their partner's bodies?

 

Firstly, he has no idea if she will gain weight. Next, since as you've stated, attraction isn't a choice, exactly how would he know what he will feel in the future, whether she gains weight or not?

 

The best case scenario for this guy is that he's really, really socially awkward.

 

Thinking about this a bit more, comparable would be "I hope you never get erectile dysfunction".

Edited April 23, 2012 by threebyfate

[fortyninethousand322]

What's with people believing they have a right to control their partner's bodies?

 

Firstly, he has no idea if she will gain weight. Next, since as you've stated, attraction isn't a choice, exactly how would he know what he will feel in the future, whether she gains weight or not?

 

The best case scenario for this guy is that he's really, really socially awkward.

 

Thinking about this a bit more, comparable would be "I hope you never get erectile dysfunction".

 

If anyone ever told that to me, in the heat of things, I'd take that as a very big complement.

[threebyfate]

If anyone ever told that to me, in the heat of things, I'd take that as a very big complement.

Aaahhhh...if you're going to attempt to rebutt my post, use the correct word!

 

Would you consider yourself a touch socially awkward?

[fortyninethousand322]

Aaahhhh...if you're going to attempt to rebutt my post, use the correct word!

 

Would you consider yourself a touch socially awkward?

 

Unless, I really mean "complement" and not "compliment".

 

Around women, absolutely. And by touch, I mean "very".

[threebyfate]

Unless, I really mean "complement" and not "compliment".

 

Around women, absolutely. And by touch, I mean "very".

Yes, now stop that!

 

So you're saying the guy's just socially awkward?

[fortyninethousand322]

Yes, now stop that!

 

So you're saying the guy's just socially awkward?

 

That what it sounds like to me. It's like one of those things that sounds much better in your head than it does out loud.

[ThaWholigan]

That what it sounds like to me. It's like one of those things that sounds much better in your head than it does out loud.

 

Upon reading the OP, that's what I thought initially. I get why it would piss a woman off though, but jumping to the conclusion that he was deliberately being malicious in some way is probably a little hasty.

[TheBigQuestion]

What's with people believing they have a right to control their partner's bodies?

 

Firstly, he has no idea if she will gain weight. Next, since as you've stated, attraction isn't a choice, exactly how would he know what he will feel in the future, whether she gains weight or not?

 

The best case scenario for this guy is that he's really, really socially awkward.

 

Thinking about this a bit more, comparable would be "I hope you never get erectile dysfunction".

 

Again, you have not established how making comments like the one OP's boyfriend made are an attempt to "control" anything. So far, this "control" is a nebulous concept that exists only in your imagination.

 

You're right, he doesn't know exactly what he'll feel in the future, but by saying that, you're implying he might actually like it more if she gains weight, which in a way is exonerating him of being the malicious, controlling creep you're making him out to be. He's probably a bit socially awkward and given all the information provided to us in this thread, that's the only reasonable conclusion one can make.

 

I hope I never get erectile dysfunction either, and I wouldn't be insulted if someone wished that about me at all. Probably because unlike significant portions of the female populace, I don't keep my eyes open like a hawk looking for reasons to act insulted and offended by every offhand, thoughtless comment people might make about me.

Edited April 23, 2012 by TheBigQuestion

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Upon reading the OP, that's what I thought initially. I get why it would piss a woman off though, but jumping to the conclusion that he was deliberately being malicious in some way is probably a little hasty.

 

Malicious? Possibly not. Immature and selfish? Yes. A big issue I find with many men is that they do not let their sexuality develop and mature as they age. It seems to remain stuck in a very narrow box that remains to be about the most obvious kind of sexuality. Such as the function an attractive body gives him vs choosing to look at women for more then that. Which is why a lot of men will continually seek out the fountain of youth. It's one thing for all of us to undrestand that youth is attractive. It's another when men actively tell you things about your worth being tied to your age and holding the expectation that you should change as little as possible to the extent of "praying to GOD" for it. It's the mindset that is key. Who do you think a woman would rather be with? A man that really accepts her through the good and not so good times? A man that accepts her through the perfect and not perfect times? Or one that makes his passion and interest and love contingent on fantasy-like images he holds up for all women that he uses as a justification to be responsible for his attraction. Because when I hear guys say stuff like, "she needs to be x,y and z" physically, sure, part of that isn't controlable always. You like what you like. But it's also partly because men that do that are making the woman responsible for his sexuality. And that's not right.

 

To a certain point, attraction isn't always a choice. But how you deal with certain issues, even attraction and sex still can be choices. And for some reason, women seem to be able to adapt their sexuality more reasonably as they age then a lot of men do. For some reason, more women seem more realistic about life and aging then men do. Men seem to want to fight the fact that they and both women age more. I don't know why. But it seems to be a bit immature to spend your entire life in stages but holding your sexuality up to a very narrow idea fitted back from your 20s. Male sexuality doesn't have tobe the extent of the hottest tightest little body you can find. But a lot of men only let their sexuality be that. Which allows men to only relate to their woman on one level. I think that if men worked more on expanding their sexual repitore and what can be sexy about women that go beyond the physical, they just might find themselves having more adventurous, connected relationships because a woman in that kind of relatoinship is going to feel turely loved and appreciated for who she is, not just her body. And that woman is going to be way more giving and open then one that feels that her body is responsible for how he feels about her.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

it can't feel very good

 

Balintdas, this comment got me thinking. Because some people's argument is basically, when a partner's body changes, that it doesn't "feel good" for the other person. And other people would actually advocate the end of the relationship if someone got out of shape. So why shouldn't other peopleadvocate the end of relatoinship for someone that didn't make their partner feel good through opinions and words too? It's not really that outrageous.

[threebyfate]

He's probably a bit socially awkward and given all the information provided to us in this thread, that's the only reasonable conclusion one can make.

What information? You just made this up in your head. Nowhere has the OP provided any information beyond the fat phrase, that he might or might not be socially inept.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP; one off comment is OK, just watch for patterns of him being critical of your looks and/or other things. I would say a yellow flag has been raised.

[Els]

I think it would completely suck to have my girl leave me in 7 years because I developed a belly and/or my weenie got smaller or something.

 

I know, right? What if you get wrinkles, too, and gnarly hands, and rougher skin? Or, god forbid, can't get it up and ready to go again after 5 minutes anymore?

[zengirl]

I can definitely say that if someone's body changing -- the shape change, weight gain, wrinkles, and other effects that naturally come with a woman aging -- is a big deal to anyone, they are not marriage material and therefore not LTR material in my eyes.

 

He shouldn't be stoned for the comment or anything, but if I were the OP, I'd lose a lot of trust in the relationship. However, I've pretty much sought out men who did not love me primarily for my looks my whole dating life -- totally possible to find, IME, though not as easy to find as men who approached because they thought I was hot. It's really up to the OP how she wants to be seen and valued.

[Stephanie]

I think this matter has been fully explored, debated, as have all of the side arguments and debates that have happened within this thread.

 

Let's move on to another topic.

 

Thanks