New boyfriend hopes my body doesn't change?

April 22, 2012

Agreed, it's the casual hypocrisy that gets to me. If a guy makes his physical appearance the number one priority in his life, then all right, makes sense he would want a woman he knows is committed to a similar path. (Though I hope he's okay with the idea of adoption/surrogate if he wants kids. Easiest way to avoid the body issues women go through is to avoid pregnancy.)

However, if the guy isn't necessarily in shape, what sort of entitlement attitude does he need to have in order to force that attitude onto his girlfriend/wife? It becomes less a "this is what I consider compatible and equal" and more "this is what I feel I deserve." It becomes a power issue over controlling the woman's body, and I find it creepy and suspect.

Yup, pretty much. I wouldn't go so far as to call it 'controlling', but it definitely reeks of hypocrisy and superficiality, two mindsets I prefer to avoid in men.

April 22, 2012

BigQuestion, I do believe you picked at my analogy to avoid getting the point. And I think you continue to avoid the point here. You want to make your comments personal critiques of me (as usual) instead of just directly addressing the topic.I am not your punching bag. Whatever love-hate relationship you seem to have with me, it doesn't change the reality that women do not want to be used for their bodies and men don't want to be used for their money. Women do not want to be the sum of their bodies only when they are "good". As men do not want to be the sum of their money only when it's "good". It's about the things men and women potentially use to use the other gender for when the other gender doesn't want to be used like that.

And all too often, men will infact justify an over importance on their partners looks while bemoaning how women deal with moeny concerning men. And it's simply not right.

I also said nothing about one's ability to maintain their weight. However, I understand that real life happens and that a lot of people get bogged down with real life and looks become secondary to them. You get older, maintaing your looks gets harder, in combination with having much more responsiblity then some 20 year old with a tight body. Is this is a bad thing that looks become secondary to people as they age? I'm not convinced it is. I think one should be healthy for sure. But there is way too much pressure placed on women to look and stay and be young and thin for all their lives. So you can chalk up a woman's opinion on this as "just insecure", or you can actually try to understand the amount of pressure women are under sometimes and how the things their boyfriends/husband say matters. The things men say are important. The message they give are important. You either own it or you want men to be justified to say anything, while women put on happy faces and pretend what he said was a great thing. It wasn't.

If you can't be with someone for the bad times, and you're only there for them for the good, you won't prove to be a very steady substantial partner to them.

I know people that when their spouse got sick, left them. I know women that left men who lost their jobs. I know men that left women for being over weight, only to find a younger hotter girlfriend. But I also know one man that when his girlfriend suffered an aneurysm, he uprooted himself, a very successful lawyer in the Washington D.C. area to take care of her 24/7. And he's been doing that for a good 5 years now. I have never seen anyone when truly tested display such real true love for someone as this man as for his partner. He loves her like nothing else I've seen because of his dedication to her care. She is no longer the same vivacious woman she once was. But he loves her just the same. And they weren't even married. They lived in seperate states. So if someone can't deal with puttong on some weight, they will not be there for you for the bigger things that can happen in life either.

You're making it sound like staying in good physical shape is some rare, unattainable quality when life gets in the way. I see plenty of people around me who would easily disagree with you. The people in my night-time law classes who work all day and also have families, who manage to not be amorphous blobs, who eat healthy and still manage to find an hour a day to go to the gym, disagree with you

.

Not everyone is built the same way. Not everyone is capable of the same things. That's a reality. Not everyone can have kids, a job, run a house and find times to work out and make it all work perfectly to appease their partner's physical desires. Real life happens. And more power to people that can do all that. They are skilled. But they aren't "better" then the people that don't have the stamina for that.

As usual, you're just looking for a reason to universalize your deep-seated insecurities.

My opinion isn't so far fetched. There are a number of people that agree to this being a red flag. How about leaving off your already well known personal opinion of me and stick to the topic? As usual, you've used my comments as a sounding board to put me down for the simple reason you enjoy putting me down. You are unable to discuss anything with me without making a personal shot. And I'm sorry, but that says something about you more the it does of any insecurity you want to allude to that *you* think I have.

April 22, 2012

Look, there was no particular answer I wanted you to give, I was just posing a question to think about. People who are in shape are usually attracted to others who are in shape. Clearly the OP's situation doesn't fall into this category because she said her bf was somewhat out of shape. Fair enough.

Physically fit people (of both sexes) have more dating options than not so physically fit people. Same goes for better looking people, rich people, etc. Maybe that makes people "shallow" but I think it makes people realistic. Shaming people for their choices is ridiculous though.

I am never one to just say, "hey that's just how it is". I think that just because things are a certain way, they don't have to be. I don't care if it's popular or not. And me expressing that belief shames no one Queen Z. I could make the case that right now you are trying to shame me through your comments. The thing about "shaming" is that that word gets over used and over played on the internet. Anytime someone disagrees, it's about how that person is just trying to "shame" someone else. But it's really not. We all got our different values and judgements and we are all eager to share them.

Heck, we could very well make the argument that this girl's boyfriend is trying to "shame" her into maintaining the body he most wants. We could go on all day about "shame" and who or who isn't doing it.

April 22, 2012

Not everyone is built the same way. Not everyone is capable of the same things. That's a reality. Not everyone can have kids, a job, run a house and find times to work out and make it all work perfectly to appease their partner's physical desires. Real life happens. And more power to people that can do all that. They are skilled. But they aren't "better" then the people that don't have the stamina for that.

My opinion isn't so far fetched. There are a number of people that agree to this being a red flag. How about leaving off your already well known personal opinion of me and stick to the topic? As usual, you've used my comments as a sounding board to put me down for the simple reason you enjoy putting me down. You are unable to discuss anything with me without making a personal shot. And I'm sorry, but that says something about you more the it does of any insecurity you want to allude to that *you* think I have.

Again, point out to me where I said everyone is capable of doing that. I don't think I did. However, you certainly made it sound like it's some unattainable status. It isn't.

Another thing that you aren't really processing is that finding a woman physically attractive, hoping that she'll stay that way, and staying committed to her for the long haul are NOT mutually exclusive. Sure, there are people who leave their partners during tough times or when they suddenly get grass-is-greener syndrome, but that doesn't mean that all or most people who hope their partners stay physically attractive will leave them or stop loving them if their attraction diminishes.

Pointing out that your insecurities contribute to your views about this subject is not off-topic, nor is it a personal insult. Why? Because you've admitted multiple times that your own insecurities about women's body issues play a significant role in the views you espouse here.

April 22, 2012

While people are squabbling amongst themselves, the OP and her boyfriend are probably out enjoying themselves and she's totally forgotten she ever posted this thread.

April 22, 2012

While people are squabbling amongst themselves, the OP and her boyfriend are probably out enjoying themselves and she's totally forgotten she ever posted this thread.

Agreed. Comments like that are rarely worth the headspace afforded to it in this thread. They also rarely actually mean anything.

April 22, 2012

TheBigQuestion
Again, point out to me where I said everyone is capable of doing that. I don't think I did. However, you certainly made it sound like it's some unattainable status. It isn't.

To use your own argument BigQuestion, point out to me where I said it was unattainable. I don't think I did. (Sound familiar)....and is this where I say in resposne to you, "you certainly made it sound like this is what everyone is capable of".

Another thing that you aren't really processing is that finding a woman physically attractive, hoping that she'll stay that way, and staying committed to her for the long haul are NOT mutually exclusive. Sure, there are people who leave their partners during tough times or when they suddenly get grass-is-greener syndrome, but that doesn't mean that all or most people who hope their partners stay physically attractive will leave them or stop loving them if their attraction diminishes.

Seriously, stop telling me what I don't process. I'm an intelligent person and I don't need you to act like you know anything about me or what I think. You don't.

And by the way, I actually agree with this part. However, a man that says what the OP's guy did, especially when he isn't in great shape himself, is letting out something very specific about how his mind is already working. That's the reality. The chances of this guy being good for the long haul after expressing what he expressed is less likely. He didn't just say"you're body is beautiful". Which is a very nice thing to say. He was "praying to GOD", that she stayed exactly the same. Those comments revel two different mindsets. And any person in a relationship with someone that puts such a qualifier on them would be smart to consider the red flag in the comment.

Pointing out that your insecurities contribute to your views about this subject is not off-topic, nor is it a personal insult. Why? Because you've admitted multiple times that your own insecurities about women's body issues play a significant role in the views you espouse here.

No, I have never said anything close to what you just tried to represent. What I said multiple times that despite whatever insecurities I may have, that I am still an intelligent and rational enough person to see the issue from a boarder stand point then just from my insecurities. That I am rational enough to understand my insecurties and maintaing intelligence and logic within a topic at the same time. *That* is what I've said...."multiple times".

Every person here has their personal insecurties. Their personal life experiences and the likes of that which influence their thoughts and actions. That is not specific to me. I have just been open in being hoenst about and vocal about the fact that I have my personal demons. Because people will often use the whole "insecurity" comment to other's down or put their opinion down and pretend it's worth less then theirs. They think that "insecurity" equates to "unintelligent" or that because of insecurities, someone isn't able to be rational. But that's simply not the case. It's a gross over simplification of what human beings are capable of. The fact that I have insecurities (like we all do) does not make my opinon worth less then yours or anyone else here. Which is the picture you are attempting to paint. And if you thought it did, you would not so often speicifically target me with your bull.

What is being rational is understanding logically that you have insecurities and still maintaining and intelligent discussion about a subject. What would be irrational is pretending I had no insecurities and that i was an extremely highly evolved human being with no personal issues while sprouting off opinions on subjects. That wouldn't be fair to myself, that wouldn't be fair to the discussion and it wouldn't be very intelligent or rational.

April 22, 2012

While people are squabbling amongst themselves, the OP and her boyfriend are probably out enjoying themselves and she's totally forgotten she ever posted this thread.

Women never forget! lol ...stereotypically at least.

April 22, 2012

While people are squabbling amongst themselves, the OP and her boyfriend are probably out enjoying themselves and she's totally forgotten she ever posted this thread.

This does tend to happen to the majority of threads around here.

April 22, 2012

To use your own argument BigQuestion, point out to me where I said it was unattainable. I don't think I did. (Sound familiar)....and is this where I say in resposne to you, "you certainly made it sound like this is what everyone is capable of".

Seriously, stop telling me what I don't process. I'm an intelligent person and I don't need you to act like you know anything about me or what I think. You don't.

And by the way, I actually agree with this part. However, a man that says what the OP's guy did, especially when he isn't in great shape himself, is letting out something very specific about how his mind is already working. That's the reality. The chances of this guy being good for the long haul after expressing what he expressed is less likely. He didn't just say"you're body is beautiful". Which is a very nice thing to say. He was "praying to GOD", that she stayed exactly the same. Those comments revel two different mindsets. And any person in a relationship with someone that puts such a qualifier on them would be smart to consider the red flag in the comment.

No, I have never said anything close to what you just tried to represent. What I said multiple times that despite whatever insecurities I may have, that I am still an intelligent and rational enough person to see the issue from a boarder stand point then just from my insecurities. That I am rational enough to understand my insecurties and maintaing intelligence and logic within a topic at the same time. *That* is what I've said...."multiple times".

Every person here has their personal insecurties. Their personal life experiences and the likes of that which influence their thoughts and actions. That is not specific to me. I have just been open in being hoenst about and vocal about the fact that I have my personal demons. Because people will often use the whole "insecurity" comment to other's down or put their opinion down and pretend it's worth less then theirs. They think that "insecurity" equates to "unintelligent" or that because of insecurities, someone isn't able to be rational. But that's simply not the case. It's a gross over simplification of what human beings are capable of. The fact that I have insecurities (like we all do) does not make my opinon worth less then yours or anyone else here. Which is the picture you are attempting to paint. And if you thought it did, you would not so often speicifically target me with your bull.

What is being rational is understanding logically that you have insecurities and still maintaining and intelligent discussion about a subject. What would be irrational is pretending I had no insecurities and that i was an extremely highly evolved human being with no personal issues while sprouting off opinions on subjects. That wouldn't be fair to myself, that wouldn't be fair to the discussion and it wouldn't be very intelligent or rational.

Fair enough. Not everyone can stay in shape well into their 30s, 40s, and 50s, but it is far from unheard of and unattainable.

I'm glad you agree with me, but again, you're only assuming the worst about OP's boyfriend and you're ignoring the reality that most people, if given the choice, would prefer their partners to stay in good shape for as long as possible.

I'm just going by what you post here and how you compare with most other posters. Yes, everyone has some insecurity or another. But most of the time, you don't come across as rational or level-headed whenever you post about any topic that involves women's bodies. My saying that you didn't "process" something isn't a dig at your intelligence, but you still took it as such.

There are many staunch feminists on this board. I don't think feminism is an abominable doctrine overall, but I am critical of it in many respects. However, even those posters have been very critical of your irrational posting style as well. You tend to assume the worst about every other poster, you have made an art out of attributing motives to people for no reason at all, putting words in people's mouths, and using inflammatory, exaggerated rhetoric to try to get your point across. Self-identifying feminists are usually very sensitive to these kinds of topics, yet they tend to be very critical of what you write on here regardless of that. They might identify with some of your ideas, but they also don't agree with your posting style and they have a hard time identifying what you're trying to accomplish.

April 22, 2012

TheBigQuestion
Fair enough. Not everyone can stay in shape well into their 30s, 40s, and 50s, but it is far from unheard of and unattainable.

I'm glad you agree with me, but again, you're only assuming the worst about OP's boyfriend and you're ignoring the reality that most people, if given the choice, would prefer their partners to stay in good shape for as long as possible.

Why do you care if I agree with you. You below establish that you don't even think I am a rational intelligent person.

I know how important looks are to people. Especially among men that often use this to judge a woman's worth more then anything else. I think if you asked most women they would love to be able to be fit and beautiful for the rest of their lives too. Women want to be beautiful. Women kill themselves to look a certain way. They get painful surgeries to look a certain way. They pluck their hair and shave and sand down their skin and inject things into their faces...you don't need to tell women what the world expects and perfers of them. But women still want to be accepted no matter their body changes and LOVED and even thought of sexy even if their body does change. Because they want to be accepted for who they are more then the what men desire of from their bodies. Coming home to your spouse is suppose to be a refuge. For a man and a woman. Not a place where you feel even more of the same pressures someone may feel throug hout the daily lives of expectations society says should be lived up too. Home is suppose to be a safe haven. Not anoter place filled with fear for failing to live up to your partner's expectations.

I'm just going by what you post here and how you compare with most other posters. Yes, everyone has some insecurity or another. But most of the time, you don't come across as rational or level-headed whenever you post about any topic that involves women's bodies. My saying that you didn't "process" something isn't a dig at your intelligence, but you still took it as such

.

Then tell me how am I suppose to take it when you tell me I don't "process" things or that I am not a "rational" level-headed poster? It's just so belitting and insulting to my intelligence. how would you take it if I said the same to you? If I dictated to you what I don't think you process or told you that you were not a rational person?

I try hard to be honest about myself and my thoughts here. My opinions are a reflection of the good and bad parts of me. My strengths and weaknesses. My life experiences. My logic. My intelligence. The facts I know. Every person's thoughts are built on the same foundations. I know that a lot of people like to think that their opinions are purely based in "fact" and "logic", but it's simply not. Which is why you can have so many different and varying opinions on one topic.

People too often attempt to use "you're just insecure" to belittle someone's thoughts or opinion. It's a common internet argument. And it's a gross over simplification of everything, themselves included. Because if they were honest, they would be honest about their insecurities and the fact that their own life experiences influence their ideas and thoughts just as mine do.

I have had that stuff thrown at me so much because I don't always have the popular opinion. But I am honest about the reality that I have insecurities. And I am honst about stating this to make people aware that my insecurities do not overide my intelligence or thoughts. To deny that I don't have a life history that isn't perfect would to be irrational. But to use this as a means to put down my opinion is irrational as well.

I can't change your thoughts if you think I am some irrational, illogical person. But I certainly don't agree with you either. I think I have gotten very much more intouch with who I am in the past few years then the images I wanted to project of who I was. I am much more open to admitting my faults and have made the aware choice to practice being open with my faults so I can also admit my mistakes and improve myself. This is why I remain honest about the fact that I have insecurities. But my opinons are not only a product of my insecurities. And reducing them to that, among all the intelligent things I say, isn't right.

There are many staunch feminists on this board. I don't think feminism is an abominable doctrine overall, but I am critical of it in many respects. However, even those posters have been very critical of your irrational posting style as well.

*Sigh*...... Again, when you specifically target someone and refer to them as, "your irrational posting style..." how do you want me to take it? You are being condsending to my intelligence and belitting me BigQuestion. I get a little overly wrapped up in conversations, I can be passionate. But I'm not ashamed of who I am. And I'm not going to let you repeatedly put me down. If you think I am such a stupid irrational person, then please put me on ignore. I can't be what you want me to be. Neither would I want to.

By the way, please don't speak for other posters about what they think or don't think and make it seem like it's me vs you and the board. There are many posters that have agreed with me as well. There are posters that sometimes agree with me and somtimes don't. That's the nature of a message board. I am not ashamed of who I am or my thoughts. I have a valid opinion and voice. Like everyone else here. I am not more "irrational" then you or anyone else.

You tend to assume the worst about every other poster, you have made an art out of attributing motives to people for no reason at all, putting words in people's mouths, and using inflammatory, exaggerated rhetoric to try to get your point across. Self-identifying feminists are usually very sensitive to these kinds of topics, yet they tend to be very critical of what you write on here regardless of that. They might identify with some of your ideas, but they also don't agree with your posting style and they have a hard time identifying what you're trying to accomplish.

What do you hope to accomplish with your personal critque of me? Just say it because i am really sick of you putting me on the choping block to pick apart. and every once in a while cropping up to make little snide comments about me and laugh at me.

April 22, 2012

I am never one to just say, "hey that's just how it is". I think that just because things are a certain way, they don't have to be. I don't care if it's popular or not. And me expressing that belief shames no one Queen Z. I could make the case that right now you are trying to shame me through your comments. The thing about "shaming" is that that word gets over used and over played on the internet. Anytime someone disagrees, it's about how that person is just trying to "shame" someone else. But it's really not. We all got our different values and judgements and we are all eager to share them.

Heck, we could very well make the argument that this girl's boyfriend is trying to "shame" her into maintaining the body he most wants. We could go on all day about "shame" and who or who isn't doing it.

No it just sounds like if someone expresses the opinion that they don't find some kind of person (in this case "overweight" or "not thin" people) attractive you automatically take a very defensive position. Like it's reflective of something wrong with society (usually pertaining to porn).

Some people prefer slim people, some men prefer big boobs on women. Oh well. Everything will sort itself out in the end anyway. No sense getting all worked up about it. OP's boyfriend wants her to maintain a good body, she should do that for herself. But if it makes her uncomfortable then maybe she should talk to him and/or leave him. If she's ok with it, then cool life goes on.

But whatever, this is a big reason I don't come to the scary part of LS anymore.

April 22, 2012

Look, there was no particular answer I wanted you to give, I was just posing a question to think about. People who are in shape are usually attracted to others who are in shape. Clearly the OP's situation doesn't fall into this category because she said her bf was somewhat out of shape. Fair enough.

Physically fit people (of both sexes) have more dating options than not so physically fit people. Same goes for better looking people, rich people, etc. Maybe that makes people "shallow" but I think it makes people realistic. Shaming people for their choices is ridiculous though.

It's funny how the people who complain about shallowness and strict standards of attractiveness and who try to shame people to be less shallow are the ones who dont fit the ideal themselves and quite frankly it seems like sour grapes.. You never hear attractive people with tons of options complain about the rules of attraction because they can attract what they desire..

Truth is people are as shallow as their options..I hate when the less fortunate looking claim they are on a higher morality level then people who are "shallow"..Truth also is in the begining you desired the same people everyone else including the attractive do but once you realized you couldnt get the upper echeleon you kicked into survival mode and settled for what you can get..

Its not because you're a saint who never cared about looks at all..Spare me the bs

Edited April 22, 2012 by SteveC80

April 22, 2012

Why should he be dumped? He was complimenting your physique. Is it a crime to want your partner's body to stay fit? He was even comfortable enough to communicate that to you. I think you're being a little sensitive.

April 22, 2012

No it just sounds like if someone expresses the opinion that they don't find some kind of person (in this case "overweight" or "not thin" people) attractive you automatically take a very defensive position. Like it's reflective of something wrong with society (usually pertaining to porn).

Some people prefer slim people, some men prefer big boobs on women. Oh well. Everything will sort itself out in the end anyway. No sense getting all worked up about it. OP's boyfriend wants her to maintain a good body, she should do that for herself. But if it makes her uncomfortable then maybe she should talk to him and/or leave him. If she's ok with it, then cool life goes on.

But whatever, this is a big reason I don't come to the scary part of LS anymore.

There is also a reason why today you decided to come into a section you claim you don't like and made sure everyone knew just how "scary" you consider this section of LS...and it wasn't because you have the attitude of, 'what will be will be", despite advising others to think much that way.

I have my beliefs. You have yours. We are all eager to share them...Fantastic. Mission accomplished.

And I think I've explained myself enough in this thread for you to see why I, and if you are honest with yourself, others, consider a comment such as was made by her man, is a red flag.

April 22, 2012

No it just sounds like if someone expresses the opinion that they don't find some kind of person (in this case "overweight" or "not thin" people) attractive you automatically take a very defensive position. Like it's reflective of something wrong with society (usually pertaining to porn).

Some people prefer slim people, some men prefer big boobs on women. Oh well. Everything will sort itself out in the end anyway. No sense getting all worked up about it. OP's boyfriend wants her to maintain a good body, she should do that for herself. But if it makes her uncomfortable then maybe she should talk to him and/or leave him. If she's ok with it, then cool life goes on.

But whatever, this is a big reason I don't come to the scary part of LS anymore.

No doubt different people prefer different things but to want to control someone else's body for your own personal pleasure is a major sign of serious insecurities and objectification.

You're in effect through inference, throwing down an ultimatum when your partner isn't "guilty" of anything. Or you're attempting to "neg" a partner's self confidence, to bring down her bitch shield.

Anyone falling for someone like this, is asking for serious heartache in the future, nevermind how intensely superficial this person is.

April 22, 2012

No doubt different people prefer different things but to want to control someone else's body for your own personal pleasure is a major sign of serious insecurities and objectification.

You're in effect through inference, throwing down an ultimatum when your partner isn't "guilty" of anything. Or you're attempting to "neg" a partner's self confidence, to bring down her bitch shield.

Anyone falling for someone like this, is asking for serious heartache in the future, nevermind how intensely superficial this person is.

How does holding or expressing the idea that you like a woman's physical appearance and hoping it stays that way for a while actually constitute an attempt to control someone else's body? The only way anyone could actually warp an off-hand, benign (if somewhat tactless) remark as the one the OP's boyfriend made into such a pernicious idea is to have a fixation on purposely being a victim.

April 22, 2012

How does holding or expressing the idea that you like a woman's physical appearance and hoping it stays that way for a while actually constitute an attempt to control someone else's body? The only way anyone could actually warp an off-hand, benign (if somewhat tactless) remark as the one the OP's boyfriend made into such a pernicious idea is to have a fixation on purposely being a victim.

"I sincerely hope your skin never sags".

April 22, 2012

"I sincerely hope your skin never sags".

That's not what he said.

Everyone is aware that people age. The mentality behind such sentiments as the OP's has more to do with the hope that your SO will age gracefully by making healthy decisions, avoiding "mom jeans," etc., rather than a wholesale denial of the reality that people will eventually become elderly.

I ask you the same question I posed to everyone a few pages back: Given the choice, and all other things being equal, would you prefer your SO to start letting himself go entirely over the next few years, thus probably negatively impacting your sexual attraction to him as well?

April 22, 2012

That's not what he said.

Everyone is aware that people age. The mentality behind such sentiments as the OP's has more to do with the hope that your SO will age gracefully by making healthy decisions, avoiding "mom jeans," etc., rather than a wholesale denial of the reality that people will eventually become elderly.

I ask you the same question I posed to everyone a few pages back: Given the choice, and all other things being equal, would you prefer your SO to start letting himself go entirely over the next few years, thus probably negatively impacting your sexual attraction to him as well?

If my husband were to let himself go, that would be his choice. The consequence of letting himself go might be that I lose attraction but that's my choice.

Do you understand the distinction?

April 22, 2012

If my husband were to let himself go, that would be his choice. The consequence of letting himself go might be that I lose attraction but that's my choice.

Do you understand the distinction?

How is the OP's boyfriend's comments affecting anyone's ability to choose anything?

Also, attraction generally isn't something you choose to feel, nor is it something you can choose to extinguish either. Losing your attraction would likely be a visceral reaction, not a choice.

April 22, 2012

I'm at the crossroads on how I'm feeling right now but here's what has happened so far between us:

We've been dating since the end of February. We met at a convention in the hospital. He's a radiology tech. I'm a nurse

He's younger than me by 3 years at 32. So what, right? LMAO

Anyway after getting physical with him so much lately he just told me last night how trimmed my stomach is for my age (WELL HELLO! NO KIDS) and that he prays to God my body doesn't change in 5 years or so

This kinda changed the mood just a tad after that. I wasn't mad with him over what he said but I feel like I have to really hit the gym harder and I only go 3x a week anyway which is the best to do because I'm off 4 days.

I'm eating right so that helps too but he's not in the best shape. He has a pretty decent body but he isn't cut up or anything. He's just slim to fit. I dont think that's a big deal, right?

Is this guy asking for too much of me/expecting too much/planning ahead too fast or am I over-reacting?

I really like him. I turned down a lot of other guys because he has shown me the most sincere interest. Other guys just wanna get laid

I've only read the OP and a few of the first responses.

My concern is with him saying he "prays to God" that your body doesn't change. Seems a little overly-emphatic. I mean, it's normal that we hope our partners stay in reasonably good shape, but "prays to God"? lol...

I was with a guy who was very picky about my body. He didn't, mind you, on a day to day basis make comments. But I just knew in general that it was important to him that a woman (I, in our case) stay in shape. Fortunately, I do/did. But he was even pickier than what I'm capable of keeping up with. I'm in shape with a little meat on my bones (5', 103 lbs; and, indeed, 103 lbs at 5' is sort of 'a little meat on the bones'); I think he wanted svelte/slim like a goddamn model...dammit!!!

April 22, 2012

I've only read the OP and a few of the first responses.

My concern is with him saying he "prays to God" that your body doesn't change. Seems a little overly-emphatic. I mean, it's normal that we hope our partners stay in reasonably good shape, but "prays to God"? lol...

I was with a guy who was very picky about my body. He didn't, mind you, on a day to day basis make comments. But I just knew in general that it was important to him that a woman (I, in our case) stay in shape. Fortunately, I do/did. But he was even pickier than what I'm capable of keeping up with. I'm in shape with a little meat on my bones (5', 103 lbs; and, indeed, 103 lbs at 5' is sort of 'a little meat on the bones'); I think he wanted svelte/slim like a goddamn model...dammit!!!

Yes, it's definitely true that his response was overly emphatic and a bit crude. The only reason this thread has gone on for as long as it has is because some posters are actually denying that "hoping our partners stay in reasonably good shape" is normal and extrapolating all sorts of head-scratchingly exaggerated conclusions.

It's unfortunate that your ex was so exacting in his standards, but what he did isn't really what the OP's boyfriend is doing (perhaps he might be, but we need more information than what was provided). In the OP's case, the guy has expressed considerable admiration for his girlfriend's body as it is right now rather than some more stringent standard he might expect in the future. It sounds like he's found the Holy Grail. In your case, it sounds like you weren't his physical ideal (however silly and unrealistic it may have been) in the first place.

April 23, 2012

He's in for an effin surprise then... Fact is we can be fit, but our bodies aren't always going to be the same....

If I ever got into a serious relationship, I'd tell myself and accept it even before getting serious....to know that our looks won't last and not let that ruin the relationship later.

I think it would completely suck to have my girl leave me in 7 years because I developed a belly and/or my weenie got smaller or something.

I'd outright tell him.. "Hey, Buddy, if this is what you want out of me in 5 years, then you can just kiss all of this goodbye"

April 23, 2012

Yes, it's definitely true that his response was overly emphatic and a bit crude. The only reason this thread has gone on for as long as it has is because some posters are actually denying that "hoping our partners stay in reasonably good shape" is normal and extrapolating all sorts of head-scratchingly exaggerated conclusions.

I hear what you're saying. This guy very candidly said what a lot of people are thinking (to some degree) but have the etiquette not to say so emphatically. And the fact that he stated it doesn't mean he feels it all that more strongly than those who don't state it; he's just not censoring himself (with fear of 'offending') like most people...

I myself recently dated a guy for exactly two months who often stressed that I "was in such good shape." He said it almost every single time we had sex, and there were times when we were talking lovey-dovey, honeymoon-stage talk when he said he liked "that I was in good shape" as one of his primary reasons for liking me. He said other things besides that, but that almost always came first. I could have taken it to mean that he only cared for my physical appearance, but I didn't. I took it as understandable that my looks and body were chief among his likes in the early physical, lustful, infatuation stage we were in. I have enough confidence in the rest of who I am -- (i.e. having some intelligence, fun-ness of personality, niceness of character, etc.) -- to know he liked me for other reasons too. (Not to mention, at that point, I was majorly lusting after him too. He was smart as hell, nice as hell, and had a lot of character in general, but I was all about him "just looking damn good" and "being so sexy" in the beginning).

That said, I'd give the guy in question (the OP's guy, that is) a break for saying what he did. (I haven't read the whole thread and don't have all the details, just going by the OP). But if that's all he said, it would seem a little ear-perking, but not necessarily a sign that he's a big jerk who would be unnecessarily critical of every little weight fluctuation over the years.

Most people are better than their worst deed, as well as the most unfair/worst/unkind/critical/faux pas thing they've ever said.

At the very least, keep seeing him and get a sense of whether he really is or isn't obsessed with you (OP) looking exactly the same in five or ten years.

It's unfortunate that your ex was so exacting in his standards, but what he did isn't really what the OP's boyfriend is doing (perhaps he might be, but we need more information than what was provided). In the OP's case, the guy has expressed considerable admiration for his girlfriend's body as it is right now rather than some more stringent standard he might expect in the future. It sounds like he's found the Holy Grail. In your case, it sounds like you weren't his physical ideal (however silly and unrealistic it may have been) in the first place.

He actually wasn't bad at all. I was a bit more thin when he first met me. I gained a little, but not enough to matter (and it never did in our relationship). It was sort of a situation of a very thin person having "room" to gain and still be thin, and that's what happened with me.

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