sedona Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I'm 45, my BF is 58, and we've been together for 4 years. Usually I stay at his home when I am "childless" and he stays here when I have my kids. 1) We haven't had sex for more than a year because he won't/can't. He says he doesn't know why. He's been to a doctor, he's not cheating, he says he's not undly stressed, and he still likes my body and cuddles at night...but no sex. And no real kissing either. I think he's really just waiting for this to change. 2) He recently changed jobs from one that kept him VERY busy to another where he has a bit more time...or so he says. But I feel that he is travelling a lot more, and I see him less than ever before. I am very busy too, but want us to prioritize regular time together- but somethng often gets in the way (sometimes because of my schedule too). The combination of these two things is making me very unhappy, so much so that I've become blind to the things he does do to be with me. I feel like I'm in this relationship all by myself. We've talked about it and have seen a counselor a few times, but things just stay the same. I love this man, and believe he loves me. But I can't do this anymore. I guess I just need encouragement from others who have loved their SOs but still been the one to break it up. I will miss him terribly, you see.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I'm 45, my BF is 58, and we've been together for 4 years. Usually I stay at his home when I am "childless" and he stays here when I have my kids. 1) We haven't had sex for more than a year because he won't/can't. He says he doesn't know why. He's been to a doctor, he's not cheating, he says he's not undly stressed, and he still likes my body and cuddles at night...but no sex. And no real kissing either. I think he's really just waiting for this to change. 2) He recently changed jobs from one that kept him VERY busy to another where he has a bit more time...or so he says. But I feel that he is travelling a lot more, and I see him less than ever before. I am very busy too, but want us to prioritize regular time together- but somethng often gets in the way (sometimes because of my schedule too). The combination of these two things is making me very unhappy, so much so that I've become blind to the things he does do to be with me. I feel like I'm in this relationship all by myself. We've talked about it and have seen a counselor a few times, but things just stay the same. I love this man, and believe he loves me. But I can't do this anymore. I guess I just need encouragement from others who have loved their SOs but still been the one to break it up. I will miss him terribly, you see. What's that you say? No sex in a year? No kissing or canoodling? But he likes cuddling? You are NOT his teddy bear, you are a vital woman who deserves a COMPLETE relationship. If this is more of a friendship, let it be just that and find a fellow who can take care of your needs..All your needs. You aren't getting sex from him which can do damage to your spirit--He can reassure you till the cows some home; he isn't delivering, he's not around, he's not prioritizing. Things have stayed the same. Reflect, but I would move on. You love yourself enough to know that this just isn't doing it for you. Besides, the fellow is nearing 60. You are 45. As he gets older, do you really think things will get better? 1
carhill Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 What is his testosterone level? 250-850 nanograms/deciliter is the range. At his age, somewhere in the middle is typical. Do you exercise together? Even a brisk walk together can help a man's libido and provide plenty of opportunities for some foreplay. If you weren't feeling sexual, how would you want him to behave?
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Next thing you know, she will wake up to the lovely vision of his teeth in a glass on the night stand.
HollyBolly Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 next thing you know, she will wake up to the lovely vision of his teeth in a glass on the night stand. hahahahaha... Lmao
fucpcg Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Soooo.... what did the doctor say? There had to be some kind of diagnosis. Everything passed the test? That's great, what tests did they run? Or maybe, they did find something wrong in those tests? The two main tests are for blood flow and testosterone levels. I can help you figure out what is wrong, and what you can do to help him get back to horny, but not with "he doesn't know what's wrong" and saying went to doctor without sharing the results.
Author sedona Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Wow! Thanks to you all who responded! I don't know what tests his doctor ran, other than blood tests and hormone tests. I don't know what sorts of tests would be needed. All I know is that he stays soft with me, even though he says he can masturbate. When the doctor found no problem, Bf was disappointed because he had been hoping for an answer. I was happy that there was no serious problem, but gosh - some minor fix would've been great! All that intimacy is just lost, and that hurts. Lack of exercise isn't the problem. This morning, for example, he's off with the local biking team for a 60 kilometer trip. When he jogs, then he usually runs the equivalent of a half marathon. I work out about 5 days a week, but I go to classes at the gym. So we're both in good shape & physically active, but we can't share this together. I can't keep up with him! And I hate jogging... I made my peace with the age difference a long time ago, but that was when he was treating me like his friend and lover. And yes, Bewitched&b, the teddy bear analogy has crossed my mind before! 1
leoc1973 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 do they have viagara in Europe? If not that sucks! Maybe the biking is pressing on something down there it shouldn't. If he can masturbate but can't get an erection with you then there is something on his mind. Sounds like your putting too much pressure on him to stay hard that in itself can make any guy go limp. He must have some kind of fantasy that you can play out. but seriously Viagara!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 wouldn't owning a cocker spaniel be the same thing? Seriously... this can't be called a relationship, honestly - can it? and right now - a cocker spaniel would be more fun, be more compelling, and take your time more productively, by the sound of it. You think I'm kidding.
HollyBolly Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 wouldn't owning a cocker spaniel be the same thing? Seriously... this can't be called a relationship, honestly - can it? and right now - a cocker spaniel would be more fun, be more compelling, and take your time more productively, by the sound of it. You think I'm kidding. Cocker Spaniel may hump your leg a little, too. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Ah, that's territorial/ownership. Very easy to nip that in the bud. As a Dog Behaviourist, I come across this all the time.... 1
HollyBolly Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Ah, that's territorial/ownership. Very easy to nip that in the bud. As a Dog Behaviourist, I come across this all the time.... That was a little joke... 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I'm aware of that. We dog behaviourists have a very refined sense of humour. It's what comes of thinking like a dog and observing human behaviour.... 1
fucpcg Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Does he get completely hard when he masturbates? It's possible to get hard enough to masturbate, but not enough for sex. When he masturbates, does he ejaculate? How quick? If ejaculating, and rather quick, it's a pretty solid sign his test levels are good. What sex drugs has he tried, if any? Sent you link.
Author sedona Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 I don't think a dog's the answer - besides, I'd get a Golden, not a spaniel! I'm not a fan of breaks, but maybe that might be the thing to do. I don't think I can break this off entirely. Not now, at this point. I'm just tired right now of nothing changing, with no outlook of change in the future! I would love to be able to turn the clock back!
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