The Sex Addict?

[ShameLustandDesire]

Hello. I would love to hear from others who have had been involved with a sex addict. I am shamed to admit I fell for one. You are left with the most horrible feelings of shame and disgust. Their boundaries and expectations seem so non sensible to one's ear, as if you have to recalibrate what they just asked or implied are their sexual fantasies and thoughts of you.

The man I mention would go into fantasies of MMF, and the afterthought is why would he think I would do that. I saw a flicker of anger in his eyes once when he first mentioned it and I balked and non hesistently said Hell No, go find someone else if that is your desire! He also started becoming sadistic in physical ways.

I do give the advice if you are mixed up with a MM, sex addict or not, do not argue and make untruths, and excuses for their or your behavoir. They will lie to get what they intend to, lies about marital status, behavior, caring, and fake support, anything to make you theirs for the fleeting moment.

It also seems as if they go into a period of guilt, shame, and remorse themselves, but come about these periods in cycles of abuse, shame, and guilt, then pursuit the same pattern over and over again.

It will ruin something inside you, a self respect, you can never gain back toward yourself.

[wannabdone]

I have not been involved with a sex addict myself, but my father is one. And it was awful on my mother, that I know.

 

I just wanted to thank you for your open and honest post.

 

I wish you peace.

[ShameLustandDesire]

I have not been involved with a sex addict myself, but my father is one. And it was awful on my mother, that I know.

 

I just wanted to thank you for your open and honest post.

 

I wish you peace.

 

 

Thank you, peace seems a distant dream. How did your family deal with it? It seems to be a problem that is quite disturbing and something deeply ingrained and not easy for the addict to cure themselves from.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi there,

 

I am married to one.

 

You can refer to my threads for my story.

 

It has come at a high cost and with lots of pain.

 

It took him three years to even truly "get it."

 

Only 5% of them ever get better.

 

I think that this is largely because:

A) most don't know that they are SA

b) those who do know are too ashamed to deal with the issue

C) it is very easy for them to hide it and justify/deny it

D) society seems to keep reinforcing sexually addictive tendencies

E) IMO it is a form of narcissism and therefore very hard to cure

F) they tend to be involved with vulnerable women who have poor boundaries and let things slide.

 

My husband is/was probably one of the most fortunate sexual addicts in terms of a determined spouse who even kicked him out inthe middle of winter but still held out hope for him. He also had the resources available to him and the intelligence to use them when the time came.

 

Currently he is seeing a CSAT. We are slowly reintegrating our marriage.

 

Things have improved intimacy-wise but it's slow, even with lots of help.

I can tell that the "outside factors" are gone but it is very difficult with the impact this has had on my self-esteem (in that area) and my perception of him to revamp things.

 

I encourage wives of sexual addicts to not be afraid to lay down the law (lovingly). My boundaries were as strong as playdough for a long time and it made things drag out and be worse. Either way, we would have been through or through the tough time if I had been firmer, sooner.

[ShameLustandDesire]

Hi there,

 

I am married to one.

 

You can refer to my threads for my story.

 

It has come at a high cost and with lots of pain.

 

It took him three years to even truly "get it."

 

Only 5% of them ever get better.

 

I think that this is largely because:

A) most don't know that they are SA

b) those who do know are too ashamed to deal with the issue

C) it is very easy for them to hide it and justify/deny it

D) society seems to keep reinforcing sexually addictive tendencies

E) IMO it is a form of narcissism and therefore very hard to cure

F) they tend to be involved with vulnerable women who have poor boundaries and let things slide.

 

My husband is/was probably one of the most fortunate sexual addicts in terms of a determined spouse who even kicked him out inthe middle of winter but still held out hope for him. He also had the resources available to him and the intelligence to use them when the time came.

 

Currently he is seeing a CSAT. We are slowly reintegrating our marriage.

 

Things have improved intimacy-wise but it's slow, even with lots of help.

I can tell that the "outside factors" are gone but it is very difficult with the impact this has had on my self-esteem (in that area) and my perception of him to revamp things.

 

I encourage wives of sexual addicts to not be afraid to lay down the law (lovingly). My boundaries were as strong as playdough for a long time and it made things drag out and be worse. Either way, we would have been through or through the tough time if I had been firmer, sooner.

 

Their difficulty with boundaries is disturbing. Looking back, he pursued me because it was a sick lust on his side. It seemed to confuse him at the time, that he chose the wrong woman. He blatantly told me I was too good for him, too good for this, and could do much better. He was right with those thoughts. I believe in his imagination, during the high of his intense cycles, he believes he can pursue his imagination of the perfect woman, perfect sex partner, who will be game in all his fantasies, he wishes for them to have no feelings, emotions, or guilt while doing this.

Very bizzarre mixed with sadness regarding their thought processes. Deep inside I believe he views all women as sluts, a hidden hatred. He had a difficult time with me, because I was not a slut, and was appalled in many of his actions and my disbelief in what he was doing, he could not imagine why I would protest.

[KathyM]

Sexual addiction is a real thing that can be defined as engaging in or obsessing about sex to the point that it is causing distress for yourself or your partner, or is negatively impacting your life or your partner's life, but you feel compelled to continue despite the negative consequences. You let it control your life. Just as in alcohol or drug addiction, the person spends a lot of time engaging in the behavior to the detriment of other aspects of his life, and continues the behavior despite negative repercussions--such as loss of a relationship or marriage, damage to relationship or marriage, spending excessive time or money on the activity, etc.

[alexandria35]

Guess it depends on what the true definition of a sex addict is. I certainly don't know much about it but I think most people who claim to be sex addicts or have been labled as sex addicts have severe emotional issues with shame, intimacy,escapism and self esteem . If thats the case then no, not everyone who likes to experiment and get a little kinky would be a true sex addict. The threesome fantasy is very common fantasy especially for males although I think most guys prefer the FFM fantasy over the MMF fantasy, but I think a healthy male would understand that his fantasies are his own and he wouldn't ever become angry at a woman for not being willing to make all of his fantasies come true.

[pureinheart]

Hello. I would love to hear from others who have had been involved with a sex addict. I am shamed to admit I fell for one. You are left with the most horrible feelings of shame and disgust. Their boundaries and expectations seem so non sensible to one's ear, as if you have to recalibrate what they just asked or implied are their sexual fantasies and thoughts of you.

The man I mention would go into fantasies of MMF, and the afterthought is why would he think I would do that. I saw a flicker of anger in his eyes once when he first mentioned it and I balked and non hesistently said Hell No, go find someone else if that is your desire! He also started becoming sadistic in physical ways.

I do give the advice if you are mixed up with a MM, sex addict or not, do not argue and make untruths, and excuses for their or your behavoir. They will lie to get what they intend to, lies about marital status, behavior, caring, and fake support, anything to make you theirs for the fleeting moment.

It also seems as if they go into a period of guilt, shame, and remorse themselves, but come about these periods in cycles of abuse, shame, and guilt, then pursuit the same pattern over and over again.

It will ruin something inside you, a self respect, you can never gain back toward yourself.

 

I was married to one. At first I blamed myself, wondering what was wrong with me...I think this is the most common trap to fall in when dealing with a partner involved with any type of addiction.

 

There are some really good books on this subject that describe exactly what you speak of. There is a lot more to this subject than people think. I remember being completely perplexed and very stressed out concerning what was going on with my husband...this was in 2000 and the search engines were getting priddy good...so I kept searching and searching seemingly going nowhere fast. I remember being obsessed with firguring it out...then one morning bammmm, I heard in my heart "sexual addiction". At this time this was not widely known. I looked it up, and there it all was. All of the symptoms, behaviors, etc.

 

One thing I'd really like to stress....there is nothing wrong with you...you are not the cause of the addiction, as there are many factors that come into play. You are not the problem.

[findingnemo]

I've never seen or met a sex addict. At least not IRL. I always thought sex addicts were fringe people. People who rape, people who sleep with prostitutes over and over again and just can't seem to stop. I've never thought of a serial cheater as a sex addict.

 

Some women I know have labeled their Hs as sex addicts because they cheat all the time. But it seems to me like a cop out. "I stay with him even though he effs around because it's a disease for him." That kind of reasoning pi$$es me off because it sounds like the W in question is just looking for a reason to stay and doesn't want to face the true problem. Her H is a selfish, entitled bastard, period. He's not addicted to sex. He thinks the more women he sleeps with the more of a man he is. it's about his ego. Does that make him a sex addict?

[trinity1]

It is common for those who have one kind of addiction to also have other kinds. It is also common for those who conquer one addiction to move on to a new one. Many sober alcoholics are compulsive gamblers for example. So if your spouse has some kind of addiction, it's not a long shot IMO to think that if he is a serial cheater that is caused by sex addiction. He most likely has an addictive personality.

[standtall]

Sexual addiction is a real thing that can be defined as engaging in or obsessing about sex to the point that it is causing distress for yourself or your partner, or is negatively impacting your life or your partner's life, but you feel compelled to continue despite the negative consequences. You let it control your life. Just as in alcohol or drug addiction, the person spends a lot of time engaging in the behavior to the detriment of other aspects of his life, and continues the behavior despite negative repercussions--such as loss of a relationship or marriage, damage to relationship or marriage, spending excessive time or money on the activity, etc.

 

I don't agree with this. Just because you say it here doesn't make it true...the term "distress" is way too broad of a description. For starters, one can cause distress to their spouse by asking them to try something new sexual. Another is about the negative consequences..as the loss of the relationship. I am sure there are many "missionary only" kind of people that do not want to do anything else, and threaten their spouses with cutting them off, divorce etc..if their partner persists in wanting to do anything different. This does not make the requestor a sex addict, but according to your definition it does.

 

I agree with Justaposter....the term sexual addiction is used way to loosely by the "click and paste" internet scholars, and is frequently used to describe any male that has

 

1. Has a higher sex drive than their partner.

2. Wants to try a something different than their partner.

 

Human sexual behavior is way to complex for people to be condemned as a sexual addict by a one paragraph definition.

[skywriter]

It's somewhat amusing to me when an OW says that a MM's cheating is a result of a mean wife or a bad marriage, but when the MM cheats on the OW, it's sexual addiction.

 

 

^Whatever^

People are going to do what they want to do, for no other reason than,

because, this is what they choose to do.

[KathyM]

I don't agree with this. Just because you say it here doesn't make it true...the term "distress" is way too broad of a description. For starters, one can cause distress to their spouse by asking them to try something new sexual. Another is about the negative consequences..as the loss of the relationship. I am sure there are many "missionary only" kind of people that do not want to do anything else, and threaten their spouses with cutting them off, divorce etc..if their partner persists in wanting to do anything different. This does not make the requestor a sex addict, but according to your definition it does.

 

I agree with Justaposter....the term sexual addiction is used way to loosely by the "click and paste" internet scholars, and is frequently used to describe any male that has

 

1. Has a higher sex drive than their partner.

2. Wants to try a something different than their partner.

 

Human sexual behavior is way to complex for people to be condemned as a sexual addict by a one paragraph definition.

 

I actually studied sexual addiction for a psychology class I was taking and one of the assignments I did was on how to therapeutically treat sexual addiction. It does exist and can take several forms. But I would agree with you that not everyone who engages in negative sexual behavior is a sex addict, just like not everyone who sometimes gets drunk is an alcoholic. Some people just make poor choices or have a sense of entitlement, or poor character or values, and they engage in negative sexual behavior because of those factors, and that would not be considered a sexual addiction. There are many forms of sexual addiction, such as addiction to porn, voyeurism, Fetishism, exhibitionism, etc., but generally, it can be defined as sexual behavior that causes clinically significant distress for oneself, or clinically significant impairment in social, occupational or academic functioning. People with a sexual addiction actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing negative consequences for them, but they feel compelled to continue despite the negative consequences. For example, a man who goes to visit prostitutes and skipping work to do so, putting his job in jeopardy, or a college student who fails his classes because he's spending a lot of time viewing porn instead of studying, or a man who is losing his wife because of his sexual exploits, and he wants to keep his wife and stop the harmful affairs, but feels compelled to continue them regardless of the negative consequences that will result.

 

I would agree with you, though, that the terms is way overused, and is not meant to describe people who just want to have their cake and eat it too. People with a sexual addiction know that they are out of control, and they actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing them distress or impairment in social, occupational or academic functioning, but they feel compelled to continue regardless, just like an alcoholic would be compelled to drink regardless of the negative consequences he experiences.

[irin]

i dont believe in "sex addiction", there needs to be anther term to describe the obsessive behaviour of some people regarding sex, but i dont believe it should categorised with people who are dependant on addictive substances or alcohol.

[ShameLustandDesire]

I actually studied sexual addiction for a psychology class I was taking and one of the assignments I did was on how to therapeutically treat sexual addiction. It does exist and can take several forms. But I would agree with you that not everyone who engages in negative sexual behavior is a sex addict, just like not everyone who sometimes gets drunk is an alcoholic. Some people just make poor choices or have a sense of entitlement, or poor character or values, and they engage in negative sexual behavior because of those factors, and that would not be considered a sexual addiction. There are many forms of sexual addiction, such as addiction to porn, voyeurism, Fetishism, exhibitionism, etc., but generally, it can be defined as sexual behavior that causes clinically significant distress for oneself, or clinically significant impairment in social, occupational or academic functioning. People with a sexual addiction actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing negative consequences for them, but they feel compelled to continue despite the negative consequences. For example, a man who goes to visit prostitutes and skipping work to do so, putting his job in jeopardy, or a college student who fails his classes because he's spending a lot of time viewing porn instead of studying, or a man who is losing his wife because of his sexual exploits, and he wants to keep his wife and stop the harmful affairs, but feels compelled to continue them regardless of the negative consequences that will result.

 

I would agree with you, though, that the terms is way overused, and is not meant to describe people who just want to have their cake and eat it too. People with a sexual addiction know that they are out of control, and they actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing them distress or impairment in social, occupational or academic functioning, but they feel compelled to continue regardless, just like an alcoholic would be compelled to drink regardless of the negative consequences he experiences.

 

 

Nailed it! Described and carved them into the perfect T! Hard to experience and watch, especially when you care for the person who is going through this.

[trinity1]

There are online tests you can take if you are wondering whether or not you are a sex addict:

 

The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive behavior which may indicate the presence of sex addiction. Developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists, and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior.

 

We strongly urge that diagnosis and treatment be done with a trained professional. This assessment is designed to help you decide whether you should seek further help.

 

Sex Addiction Test, Sex Addict Test, Sexual Addiction Test, Sexual Addiction Screening Test

[skylarblue]

I think sexual addiction is real, but agree that it is used way too broadly, and I don’t think it applies to a major of people clumped into that group. Addiction comes in many levels. Some are worse than others (there are functioning addicts), but a “serious” addiction is a continued compulsion regardless of or experiencing the complete destruction and/or detriment to oneself and everything/one of them (mentally, physically, professionally, financially, romantically/family, socially, even criminally). Literally, nothing else is more important, and when not getting that “fix” nothing else occupies one’s thoughts other then that addiction, and how and/or how soon can they get the next one. There is a difference between sexual drive, sexual preference, sexual deviance, and sexual addiction.

 

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Psychiatric Disorders the lovers of a sex addict are “experienced by the individual only as things to be used”, and also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship”.

 

I believe I was involved with a “functioning” sex addict when I was 19 (he was 41). He fit nearly all of the above descriptions in both detriments and compulsions (it sickens me even thinking I was involved with that prick). It is very hard/trying on one’s self-esteem and R, and was the reason I broke it off after 2yrs. I’d never except a R like that again. I truly hope you don’t allow/use this past someone to determine your self-worth, dictate how you see yourself, or take away your self-respect.

[ShameLustandDesire]

I have watched my friend disturbingly switch from elation to guilt to remorse, to pacing, back and forth, after sexual encounters at times. The fantasies grew out of control and were not healthy. He did not seem to have a boundary switch/button to stop. Very impulsive and driven when it comes to sex even meaning detrimental affects on his life. He would express these worries.

Some may not believe in it. This is okay. He asked if I was a sex addict twice, so I do think it is in back of his mind. I do think he is aware of it. I would not want to label anyone in any way unless I felt I cared in some way and it affected me in my life. I do not enjoy watching train wrecks.

[dreamingoftigers]

It seems that sexual addiction is going through it's "definition stage" just like every other addiction has gone through.

 

People denying it exists

People claiming that people with that issue are "just selfish, entitled bastards."

It gets viewed as a "get out of jail free" card when really it is something that the person with the issue has to take responsibility for with fewer resources and most people not believe that it's an actual problem.

As public knowledge of the issue increases, so do resources, understanding and support. More people are able to recognize when their is an issue and form proper boundaries in dealing with it.

 

Same thing happened with alcoholism and drug addiction.

 

How many people used to think "well why don't you just grow up and stop?"

 

Jeez, so Old School...

[ShameLustandDesire]

It seems that sexual addiction is going through it's "definition stage" just like every other addiction has gone through.

 

People denying it exists

People claiming that people with that issue are "just selfish, entitled bastards."

It gets viewed as a "get out of jail free" card when really it is something that the person with the issue has to take responsibility for with fewer resources and most people not believe that it's an actual problem.

As public knowledge of the issue increases, so do resources, understanding and support. More people are able to recognize when their is an issue and form proper boundaries in dealing with it.

 

Same thing happened with alcoholism and drug addiction.

 

How many people used to think "well why don't you just grow up and stop?"

 

Jeez, so Old School...

 

I agree. There is one thing that may stand out making the difference between, I am selfish and just going to have fun, and damn anyone else, to watching the obvious stress, guilt, and turmoil affects the behavoir is taking on someone physically and mentally. Big difference and easy to distinguish. It is like watching a rat chasing it's tail around and around and around because someone tied a piece of cheese on it.

[standtall]

There are online tests you can take if you are wondering whether or not you are a sex addict:

 

 

 

Sex Addiction Test, Sex Addict Test, Sexual Addiction Test, Sexual Addiction Screening Test

 

Wow...just in time to prove the point..thanks.

 

 

the term sexual addiction is used way to loosely by the "click and paste" internet scholars

 

 

As if some online survey is going to diagnose an obscure, debatable, and over used disorder. Give me a break.

 

BTW, DOT I have read your story...if your husband was as you described, then he does have a problem.

[standtall]

KathyM, while I agree with the bulk of your deeper explanation of sexual addiction, this part

 

 

 

 

 

I People with a sexual addiction actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing negative consequences for them, but they feel compelled to continue despite the negative consequences. For example, a man who goes to visit prostitutes and skipping work to do so, putting his job in jeopardy, or a college student who fails his classes because he's spending a lot of time viewing porn instead of studying, or a man who is losing his wife because of his sexual exploits, and he wants to keep his wife and stop the harmful affairs, but feels compelled to continue them regardless of the negative consequences that will result.

 

 

makes me think that a lot of the wives/partners are confusing their desire for the man to stop his behavior, with his desire to stop it. When it comes to porn, prostitutes, and affairs, I view them for the most part as a lack of character, honor, and integrity in a man. IMHO, most of the men/partners who claim sexual addiction are just looking for an easy medical cop-out for their lack of control.

Edited April 16, 2012 by standtall

[wannabdone]

KathyM, while I agree with the bulk of your deeper explanation of sexual addiction, this part

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

makes me think that a lot of the wives/partners are confusing their desire for the man to stop his behavior, with his desire to stop it. When it comes to porn, prostitutes, and affairs, I view them for the most part as a lack of character, honor, and integrity in a man. IMHO, most of the men/partners who claim sexual addiction are just looking for an easy medical cop-out for their lack of control.

 

 

^^^^ Agreed. And I think sometimes its easier for the BS to say they have a sexual addiction, than to face the fact that they are M to someone with that lack of control.

[Spark1111]

It is actually extremely difficult to diagnose and requires an expert in the field to do so.

 

Bi-polars, other personality disordered, compulsives and philanderers can certainly fit the diagnosis way too easily also.

 

My understanding is the compulsion to have sex with many strangers has little to do with true physical fulfillment than a desire to use sex to feel in control because the true sex addict feels so out of control internally.

 

And that is similiar to any other addict, but would not be true in the case of bi-polars (during the manic phase) and serial cheaters (philanderers) who do it for reasons of compulsion and ego.

 

There is a difference and it would take an experienced expert to diagnose it.

[pureinheart]

I actually studied sexual addiction for a psychology class I was taking and one of the assignments I did was on how to therapeutically treat sexual addiction. It does exist and can take several forms. But I would agree with you that not everyone who engages in negative sexual behavior is a sex addict, just like not everyone who sometimes gets drunk is an alcoholic. Some people just make poor choices or have a sense of entitlement, or poor character or values, and they engage in negative sexual behavior because of those factors, and that would not be considered a sexual addiction. There are many forms of sexual addiction, such as addiction to porn, voyeurism, Fetishism, exhibitionism, etc., but generally, it can be defined as sexual behavior that causes clinically significant distress for oneself, or clinically significant impairment in social, occupational or academic functioning. People with a sexual addiction actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing negative consequences for them, but they feel compelled to continue despite the negative consequences. For example, a man who goes to visit prostitutes and skipping work to do so, putting his job in jeopardy, or a college student who fails his classes because he's spending a lot of time viewing porn instead of studying, or a man who is losing his wife because of his sexual exploits, and he wants to keep his wife and stop the harmful affairs, but feels compelled to continue them regardless of the negative consequences that will result.

 

I would agree with you, though, that the terms is way overused, and is not meant to describe people who just want to have their cake and eat it too. People with a sexual addiction know that they are out of control, and they actually want to stop the behavior, and it is causing them distress or impairment in social, occupational or academic functioning, but they feel compelled to continue regardless, just like an alcoholic would be compelled to drink regardless of the negative consequences he experiences.

 

It's interesting that there is no question concerning the person who drinks too much, enough to loose their job and possibly ending up on the streets. Some don't end up on the streets, but have enablers who support them and their habit- classic alcoholic right?

 

Several of my co-workers were terminated after REPEATED incidents of being brought in by our pc overlookers of on-the-job internet activity. All of the individuals had 20 plus years with our company and stood loosing A LOT in salaries, benies, retirement, etc.. Two were in management and one earned 6 digit figures per year....let's just say they both had extremely high profile jobs. This was at the beginning of monitoring employee activities on the pc.

 

I knew all of the people personally and worked with them and you would have never known.

 

I spoke with the manager that had to take on the task of firing them. They were brought in and shown and told straight up that they knew of their internet activities...this happened over 10 times in a 6 mo period. NONE of them quit using the porn and it was rumored that one of them was into child porn. None of them could curb or wait until they got home. In fact after being exposed some of the activitity increased.

 

This is addiction IMO.