Boyfriend has low standards

[Feelsgoodman]

Umm....is prune juice making anyone else really hate the word gals after reading this thread?

 

Sorry, off topic...but....thesaurus or something PJ....I can't read the word "gals" anymore!!!

 

suggestions to use occasionally in place of gal:

girl

woman

female

lady

Surely you mean wymyn? You don't want to raise the ire of Mme Chaucer, now do you? How about something more original?

 

Young unmarried woman: lass, damsel, wench, broad, tootsie, floozy

Older unmarried woman: spinster, bluestockings

Successfully married gold-digger: goodwife

Discarded mistress: grass widow

 

There are so many great words in the English language that take into account the nuanced differences of a woman's personal circumstances. Why restrict yourself to using such terrible, sterile words as woman and female??

[ThaWholigan]

I must have missed the memo that not being willing to date anyone with a dong is being fussy.

 

That's what I don't understand though. Shouldn't a romantic relationship be about more than being treated well and vice versa? Sure that's the root of it, but shouldn't there be more? One time, my boyfriend said he would be willing to give anyone a date, to see if it works. I know he's not willing to give anyone a relationship because he dumped a couple girls after dating them, one because he wasn't attracted to her. The concept of being willing to give anyone a date is odd to me. There should be a minimum baseline for physical attraction. I'm not saying a relationship should be primarily about looks, but why would anyone consider it normal to be willing to give anyone of the opposite sex a date?

If nobody you are actually attracted to (even mildly) will date you, despite all of your best efforts, then yes, it will become a general consideration to date anyone. Even I've considered it, but decided against.

 

Again, it comes to misunderstanding of why one would consider this. I get you though, I know why you would think the way you do and I'm not chastising you for it, merely pointing out why someone would consider it.

[Flummox]

gals are superficial. he made a mistake by not sutting up. gals now want romantic relationshsips to be more about their past and external things. are gals good for anything other than sex?

 

Yes, women are also good for cooking and rearing children...

 

But yeah, so back to my topic. Isn't it weird that he's willing to give any woman a date? As if he could force himself to be attracted to someone for a relationship? I don't know, it's all weird.

[ThaWholigan]

Yes, women are also good for cooking and rearing children...

 

But yeah, so back to my topic. Isn't it weird that he's willing to give any woman a date? As if he could force himself to be attracted to someone for a relationship? I don't know, it's all weird.

It's weird if one doesn't understand the reality of his past. The most prominent detail we have of his past is that he was a virgin until quite late. He has some standards, but obviously must have found it difficult to attract girls for a sizeable portion of his life so far. Hence, he must be thinking "damn, I can't seem to find someone to date or be in a relationship who I am somewhat attracted to. Maybe I should broaden my horizons and date someone who I wouldn't normally consider?".

 

For some reason, girls don't really seem to understand why a man in this position would actually entertain this thought, even though I explain it to them quite thoroughly.

[Flummox]

If nobody you are actually attracted to (even mildly) will date you, despite all of your best efforts, then yes, it will become a general consideration to date anyone. Even I've considered it, but decided against.

 

Again, it comes to misunderstanding of why one would consider this. I get you though, I know why you would think the way you do and I'm not chastising you for it, merely pointing out why someone would consider it.

 

I don't think he really tried in real life though or gave it his best efforts. Maybe he just convinced himself it wouldn't work before trying harder? He dated a couple in real life and asked out and was rejected by a couple in real life. He then went online and IMO wasn't exactly picky about who he went on dates with from OkCupid.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't think he really tried in real life though or gave it his best efforts. Maybe he just convinced himself it wouldn't work before trying harder? He dated a couple in real life and asked out and was rejected by a couple in real life. He then went online and IMO wasn't exactly picky about who he went on dates with from OkCupid.

Do you know anything about his life in school? He may have been ostrasized in some capacity and maybe he had a lack of confidence in his ability to be attractive to girls. That is probably why it is possible he convinced himself that he couldn't. There are a few posters here who have done the same. He seems to have got himself together a little though, hence he's dating you.

 

But you have to understand also, that when one is a male virgin or inexperienced, girls tend to avoid you. They make excuses as to why they shouldn't date you, they are generally turned off by the idea, unless you show yourself to have certain traits that can negate ones lack of experience in dating/relationships etc. This is why at this stage he was considering not being picky. It is in my experience that few girls will be wiling to be your first or date someone with a lack of experience, and it may just be that once one broadens their horizons, they will actually find a girl who will.

 

This is probably the thinking behind it. Hope that helps

[Flummox]

It's weird if one doesn't understand the reality of his past. The most prominent detail we have of his past is that he was a virgin until quite late. He has some standards, but obviously must have found it difficult to attract girls for a sizeable portion of his life so far. Hence, he must be thinking "damn, I can't seem to find someone to date or be in a relationship who I am somewhat attracted to. Maybe I should broaden my horizons and date someone who I wouldn't normally consider?".

 

For some reason, girls don't really seem to understand why a man in this position would actually entertain this thought, even though I explain it to them quite thoroughly.

 

This is probably because women would rather be single than date someone they aren't attracted to.

 

What's even odder is that he played it off as if he were attracted to them. When we were friends he told me that one girl he met off OKCupid was "way fatter" in real life than she was online, and boring. However, at the time, in spite of all this, he said that he was willing to go on more dates with her, even though she was boring, and that she had a cute face even though she was obese.

 

After we were in a relationship, he told me that he wasn't attracted to the girl and wasn't serious about going out with her unless there were "no other options." And he said he that he told me at the time that he would have given the girl another date because he didn't want to appear like a shallow douche to me. Are you as confused as much as I am now? My rule is, if you aren't attracted to them, don't go out with them.

 

As for his school life, he wasn't ostracized but he was a geek. I think he dated a girl in high school and then stopped dating for a long period of time.

Edited April 14, 2012 by Flummox

[westrock]

But he is dating you now. Maybe he raised his standards. I think this has more to do with your self-esteem than his.

[ThaWholigan]

This is probably because women would rather be single than date someone they aren't attracted to.

 

What's even odder is that he played it off as if he were attracted to them. When we were friends he told me that one girl he met off OKCupid was "way fatter" in real life than she was online, and boring. However, at the time, in spite of all this, he said that he was willing to go on more dates with her, even though she was boring, and that she had a cute face even though she was obese.

 

After we were in a relationship, he told me that he wasn't attracted to the girl and wasn't serious about going out with her unless there were "no other options." And he said he that he told me at the time that he would have given the girl another date because he didn't want to appear like a shallow douche to me. Are you as confused as much as I am now? My rule is, if you aren't attracted to them, don't go out with them.

 

As for his school life, he wasn't ostracized but he was a geek. I think he dated a girl in high school and then stopped dating for a long period of time.

I agree with you and it's a good rule to have, but again I ask: What if nobody seems to be attracted to you? What next?

 

I don't want to be one of those guys who says women have it easier (they don't IMO), but I will point out that a significant portion of women (not all) will generally have more options to choose from (dating or sex or relationship), even if they aren't attracted to those options. It's more difficult for quite a few men to even find one.

[threebyfate]

But he is dating you now. Maybe he raised his standards. I think this has more to do with your self-esteem than his.

No one wants a dude that's not only inexperienced but spends a lot of time trashing all his exes. Victim mentality.

[westrock]

No one wants a dude that's not only inexperienced but spends a lot of time trashing all his exes. Victim mentality.

 

Yes, but is that the case here? I didn't get the impression from what OP has written so far that he spends a lot of time trashing all his exes. Even if he is inexperienced, what matters is how he treats her. There are lots of "experienced" guys that don't know how to treat a woman properly.

 

In her post #9 above she said some positive things about how he treats her and the relationship:

 

As for why I think he's dating me, according to him I am "beautiful, funny, and smart." We share a similar sense of humor, have the same profession, and share some of the same interests. He never really dated the girl he lost his virginity to-they were sort of sex friends. The friend he ended up dating did not get over him for a long time and started stalking him. She also badmouthed him to their mutual friends, even though she was the obsessed one.

 

He says that I am by far the most beautiful woman he has ever been with, not that that is much of a compliment given his dating history.

 

He does treat me very well though. Although he is the least picky (in terms of looks) guy I've been with and probably the most desperate guy I've dated, he is the most mentally stable, normal, funny, and also one of the smartest people I've known. I enjoy being around him.

 

As for if I think he can do better than me, I don't really think so, but you shouldn't ask someone to judge themselves.

[threebyfate]

He lost his virginity at 26 to a woman he later described as "sort of cute" and "kind of ugly." He told me that he was sick of being a virgin and just wanted sex.

Trash example #1.

He dated a female friend of his whom he was not attracted for a brief period of time because I think he had been looking for a relationship. When he couldn't make himself like her, he dumped her.

Trash example #2.

When we were just friends, he would link me to pictures of girls on OkCupid he was going on dates with. Sometimes he said stuff like "well this one is fat but she has a super cute face."

Trash example #3.

 

Yes, but is that the case here? I didn't get the impression from what OP has written so far that he spends a lot of time trashing all his exes. Even if he is inexperienced, what matters is how he treats her. There are lots of "experienced" guys that don't know how to treat a woman properly.

 

In her post #9 above she said some positive things about how he treats her and the relationship:

Note the above three trash examples. Bet there were more.

 

Also, guys say a lot of things to the girls they date while dating them. While it's understandable post breakup for people to say negative things where they usually recover after awhile, as you can see by the above examples, the guy had nothing good to say about even his casual dates.

Edited April 14, 2012 by threebyfate

[westrock]

Note the above three trash examples. Bet there were more.

 

Also, guys say a lot of things to the girls they date while dating them. While it's understandable post breakup for people to say negative things where they usually recover after awhile, as you can see by the above examples, the guy had nothing good to say about even his casual dates.

 

We don't know that. Maybe OP is just highlighting the negative things he said. OP hasn't indicated whether he also said good things.

 

If he really is all about just trashing the women in his past, why then did she start to date such a guy knowing all that about the way he treats the women he dates? She seems to have known this about him while they were still friends. She must have thought all the positive things she said above outweigh these negative things.

 

And, isn't she trashing him here too?

[threebyfate]

We don't know that. Maybe OP is just highlighting the negative things he said. OP hasn't indicated whether he also said good things.

This reminds me of debates about God and infidelity. Prove to me that he exists and if you can't, you're wrong. Prove to me that he didn't cheat on you because if you're not with him 24/7, you can't possibly know.

 

We attempt to draw conclusions based on the existing evidence on hand. No one can possibly know what was said and what wasn't, without being present. And even then, there's always your truth and my truth aka perception.

 

If he really is all about just trashing the women in his past, why then did she start to date such a guy knowing all that about the way he treats the women he dates? She seems to have known this about him while they were still friends. She must have thought all the positive things she said above outweigh these negative things.

Valid questions and ones that the OP should answer herself.

 

And, isn't she trashing him here too?

The OP is questioning whether this guy's worth being in a relationship with. This is different than linking dating site pics of women he's dating, trashing them while dating them.

[dasein]

This is different than linking dating site pics of women he's dating, trashing them while dating them.

 

That wouldn't at all be part of the guy's inexperienced, somewhat misguided attempts to paint OP well in comparison in an effort to move towards the relationship they now have. It simply must be his malicious intent to "trash" those poor, poor women we know absolutely nothing about.

[FitChick]

Ever hear the expression "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth?" OP, do you know the meaning of "Self-fulfilling prophecy? The OP has what sounds like a good relationship with a good guy and is letting her own insecurities screw things up. I wonder if that is a pattern

 

Read the endless threads on here from women complaining about men who ignore them, abuse them, treat them with contempt, abandon them and then realize how lucky you are.

[Woggle]

You gotta understand that for most men as long as a woman is not repulsive and treats him well for the most part he will consider her. We don't need that whole sun, moon and stars aligning kind chemistry because for the most part it is pure bs. Men tend to have a much more practical approach to relationships. As long as everything else is good why make a big deal out of this? You have to think like a man in order to understand this is not a big deal.

[Els]

There is just so much weirdness in this situation that I don't know where to begin.

 

First off, why is he, as your OP claims, constantly critiquing his exes' appearances? Are you asking him questions about all of them, or does he just say out of the blue 'she had a cute face but she was kinda ugly'?

 

Secondly, your mindset seems a little muddled here. You are judging his exes' appearances yourself, and taking their perceived below average appearance as indicative of the fact that he is 'devaluing' you? I really don't even see how that correlates. If you dated an unemployed man before, does that mean that you're 'devaluing' your current bf? Or if you dated a short man, or a man with acne, or anything else that is considered stereotypically 'unattractive'?

[irin]

okay i didn't read all the thread but to op. the only way i would feel devalued because the people hes been with before, would be if they abused him, they were bitches to him, cheated on him, if he accepted that kind of treatment then he would have low standard. not because they were fat, or not cute to my own standard you sound really shallow. they were probably really nice girls. a woman's value is goes far deeper the her outer appearance.

[kaylan]

So you feel devalued because you believe your BF would date pretty much anyone and merely wants a warm body? Welcome to every man in the world's constant relationship experience!

 

You don't tell us at all about -how he treats you-. Does his behavior towards you make you feel devalued? It seems that would be the operative fact rather than that he dated some fatties on OKC in the past. Is he kind and good to you, enthusiastic sex response, thinks of you and your feelings at least equal to his own? More info needed.

False post is false.

 

Plenty of guys, myself included, will not date or sleep with women we dont find attractive. Some of us do have standards. And Id like to date a woman with standards as well.

[dasein]

False post is false.

 

Plenty of guys, myself included, will not date or sleep with women we dont find attractive. Some of us do have standards. And Id like to date a woman with standards as well.

 

If you are going to quote my posts and call them false, at least read them thoroughly enough to understand what I actually said. Nowhere did I state or imply that men will sleep with women we don't find attractive, or that men don't have standards.

 

Paraphrased, what I said was, is that men often feel our GFs could easily replace us with any old warm body. The smilicon should have signalled satirical intent.

 

However, I did imply in a subsequent post, not the one you misread, that men burdened with virginity and inexperience past a certain age may take what they can get to lose the v and get some experience under their belt. This is because women can be so harsh in judging inexperienced men.

[somedude81]

Uh, thanks to his standards, he didn't lose his virginity till he was 26.

 

Frankly, I think I should really start to lower my standards because at 30 I'm not getting anything.

 

And no, just because a man has been with girls just because they were a warm booty, doesn't mean he thinks the same about you.

 

It's called getting work experience.

 

BTW, if I do ever manage to get a girl I really like, and she asks me what my exes were, assuming I had some, I will now only say that they were nice girls.

[Untouchable_Fire]

As for why I think he's dating me, according to him I am "beautiful, funny, and smart." We share a similar sense of humor, have the same profession, and share some of the same interests. He never really dated the girl he lost his virginity to-they were sort of sex friends. The friend he ended up dating did not get over him for a long time and started stalking him. She also badmouthed him to their mutual friends, even though she was the obsessed one.

He says that I am by far the most beautiful woman he has ever been with, not that that is much of a compliment given his dating history.

He does treat me very well though. Although he is the least picky (in terms of looks) guy I've been with and probably the most desperate guy I've dated, he is the most mentally stable, normal, funny, and also one of the smartest people I've known. I enjoy being around him.

As for if I think he can do better than me, I don't really think so, but you shouldn't ask someone to judge themselves.

 

First, you are obsessing on physical beauty and he may not be as fixated as you.

 

Second, you are massively insecure. You should already know whether he finds you attractive or not.

 

Third, your attitude seems to be very judgmental towards him.

 

In order to have a real conversation about your relationship you need to address these issues! If you are constantly judging the man you are with... then you will suck as a SO.

[threebyfate]

You gotta understand that for most men as long as a woman is not repulsive and treats him well for the most part he will consider her. We don't need that whole sun, moon and stars aligning kind chemistry because for the most part it is pure bs. Men tend to have a much more practical approach to relationships. As long as everything else is good why make a big deal out of this? You have to think like a man in order to understand this is not a big deal.

Perhaps this is you but it's not all men or even most, from what I've experienced. While men might not realize it, they're no different than women in that they also have their selection criteria.

 

More than anything, IMO, men are far, far less self-aware than women.

[dasein]

men are far, far less self-aware than women.

 

Guess that's why 25% of us men are on antidepressants, 10% are borderline personality disordered, and another ??% show definite borderline tendencies. We are so lacking in self-awareness that we sit around and look in the mirror all day.

 

Oh... wait.