Flummox Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I want to know if I am being rational. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. My boyfriend would probably date anyone and I feel devalued because of it. He lost his virginity at 26 to a woman he later described as "sort of cute" and "kind of ugly." He told me that he was sick of being a virgin and just wanted sex. He dated a female friend of his whom he was not attracted for a brief period of time because I think he had been looking for a relationship. When he couldn't make himself like her, he dumped her. When we were just friends, he would link me to pictures of girls on OkCupid he was going on dates with. Sometimes he said stuff like "well this one is fat but she has a super cute face." A lot of the time, I couldn't see how the girl was cute at all. For awhile when we were friends I thought he had a fat fetish because a lot of the OkCupid girls were somewhat overweight. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I feel as if he would date just about anyone and it makes me feel devalued. He did tell me that when he first saw me he thought I was a typical sorority girl and out of his league, maybe as a concession because I think he has low standards. Am I in the wrong? Am I being silly?
Pierre Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I want to know if I am being rational. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. My boyfriend would probably date anyone and I feel devalued because of it. He lost his virginity at 26 to a woman he later described as "sort of cute" and "kind of ugly." He told me that he was sick of being a virgin and just wanted sex. He dated a female friend of his whom he was not attracted for a brief period of time because I think he had been looking for a relationship. When he couldn't make himself like her, he dumped her. When we were just friends, he would link me to pictures of girls on OkCupid he was going on dates with. Sometimes he said stuff like "well this one is fat but she has a super cute face." A lot of the time, I couldn't see how the girl was cute at all. For awhile when we were friends I thought he had a fat fetish because a lot of the OkCupid girls were somewhat overweight. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I feel as if he would date just about anyone and it makes me feel devalued. He did tell me that when he first saw me he thought I was a typical sorority girl and out of his league, maybe as a concession because I think he has low standards. Am I in the wrong? Am I being silly? He makes derogatory comments of women he has dated in the past. This is his MO. At some point he will also make derogatory comments about you. This is rather simple to conclude. Some men will date any woman that is barely alive for sex or to lose the virginity. In your estimation: Why is he dating you? 1
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 So you feel devalued because you believe your BF would date pretty much anyone and merely wants a warm body? Welcome to every man in the world's constant relationship experience! You don't tell us at all about -how he treats you-. Does his behavior towards you make you feel devalued? It seems that would be the operative fact rather than that he dated some fatties on OKC in the past. Is he kind and good to you, enthusiastic sex response, thinks of you and your feelings at least equal to his own? More info needed.
Imajerk17 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 So you're into this Prince Charming because, well, why?
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I feel that this is a legitimate concern as I've been this guy...and to some extent still am but working on it Do you think he can "do better" than you...?
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Guys like that are the least trustworthy. Yes, indeed...
Author Flummox Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 As for why I think he's dating me, according to him I am "beautiful, funny, and smart." We share a similar sense of humor, have the same profession, and share some of the same interests. He never really dated the girl he lost his virginity to-they were sort of sex friends. The friend he ended up dating did not get over him for a long time and started stalking him. She also badmouthed him to their mutual friends, even though she was the obsessed one. He says that I am by far the most beautiful woman he has ever been with, not that that is much of a compliment given his dating history. He does treat me very well though. Although he is the least picky (in terms of looks) guy I've been with and probably the most desperate guy I've dated, he is the most mentally stable, normal, funny, and also one of the smartest people I've known. I enjoy being around him. As for if I think he can do better than me, I don't really think so, but you shouldn't ask someone to judge themselves.
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 He does treat me very well though. Although he is the least picky (in terms of looks) guy I've been with and probably the most desperate guy I've dated, he is the most mentally stable, normal, funny, and also one of the smartest people I've known. I enjoy being around him. Then what is the issue here...? As for if I think he can do better than me, I don't really think so, but you shouldn't ask someone to judge themselves. The only reason I asked is because I wonder whether you fear that he'll GIGS-up one day and leave you...
Author Flummox Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Then what is the issue here...? I've never been with someone whose only prerequisite in a partner is that they be the same species. It makes me feel devalued.
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Are you looking for excuses to leave this guy who sounds really great towards you? Your priorities seem skewed. Try to remember that for guys in U.S. culture today, virginity becomes a heavy albatross if it isn't done away with quickly, and men know that women overvalue sexual experience in men, which is why the desperation to "lose it" and get some experience. Why not make the relationship about the now as opposed to worrying too much about something he told you before as friends. Would you prefer he have a player past and been with lots of lingerie models? Careful what you wish for.
manup Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 just think if you guys get married you can get fat no problem 3
westrock Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 As for why I think he's dating me, according to him I am "beautiful, funny, and smart." We share a similar sense of humor, have the same profession, and share some of the same interests. He never really dated the girl he lost his virginity to-they were sort of sex friends. The friend he ended up dating did not get over him for a long time and started stalking him. She also badmouthed him to their mutual friends, even though she was the obsessed one. He says that I am by far the most beautiful woman he has ever been with, not that that is much of a compliment given his dating history. He does treat me very well though. Although he is the least picky (in terms of looks) guy I've been with and probably the most desperate guy I've dated, he is the most mentally stable, normal, funny, and also one of the smartest people I've known. I enjoy being around him. As for if I think he can do better than me, I don't really think so, but you shouldn't ask someone to judge themselves. The bolded parts are signs of a healthy relationship. I don't see what is the issue here. I think you are overthinking this. He is with you and he sounds easy going. That's what you should want, not some guy who is over picky and causes drama. Enjoy him and the relationship. Would you rather he said that he's dated better than you and he's settling for you? You're the best woman he's been with! Maybe he enjoys you for who you are as opposed to just your looks. What's so wrong about that?
spookie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I think you need to figure out if he is settling for you, like he has in the past. Is he with you because he really likes you for who you are, or because youre the "best" available option?
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 The only reason I asked is because I wonder whether you fear that he'll GIGS-up one day and leave you...Good term. She should fear the GIG-up guy since it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with what's going on inside of him.
jobaba Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I want to know if I am being rational. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. My boyfriend would probably date anyone and I feel devalued because of it. He lost his virginity at 26 to a woman he later described as "sort of cute" and "kind of ugly." He told me that he was sick of being a virgin and just wanted sex. He dated a female friend of his whom he was not attracted for a brief period of time because I think he had been looking for a relationship. When he couldn't make himself like her, he dumped her. When we were just friends, he would link me to pictures of girls on OkCupid he was going on dates with. Sometimes he said stuff like "well this one is fat but she has a super cute face." A lot of the time, I couldn't see how the girl was cute at all. For awhile when we were friends I thought he had a fat fetish because a lot of the OkCupid girls were somewhat overweight. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I feel as if he would date just about anyone and it makes me feel devalued. He did tell me that when he first saw me he thought I was a typical sorority girl and out of his league, maybe as a concession because I think he has low standards. Am I in the wrong? Am I being silly? You both sound very into the looks aspect of people and I think you go pretty good together. I never refer to my ex girlfriends as sort of ugly, sort of fat. Who cares when you're already with them? I talk about the ways in which we were incompatible and she would disrespect me. "I thought she was cute and some people thought she was attractive." That sums up all of them in a nutshell. But everybody does things differently...
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I've never been with someone whose only prerequisite in a partner is that they be the same species. It makes me feel devalued. It's interesting you use the term "prerequisite"...do you feel a sense of accomplishment if you meet a guy's laundry list of requirements? Especially if said laundry list is chock full of physical characteristics, as you seem to insinuate...
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Good term. She should fear the GIG-up guy since it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with what's going on inside of him. Agreed. Every woman should fear the GIGS-up guy. He's not relationship material.
FrustratedStandards Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) You're not being silly at all. I would feel the same way. If a guy doesn't have standards, then what makes you so special to date? It means he doesn't care who he dates and he's with you cuz it just happened that way. I'm really glad you brought this up. I think like this too. I want a man who has high standards and won't tolerate dating a woman who doesn't meet his expectations. This makes a man sexy. It makes him a MAN because he wants a real WOMAN. In this day and age though, there aren't many women who would meet their expectations, which is why they usually date girls who don't measure up. It's either that or alone your whole life. That's why when people see a really pretty girl/guy with a very average or even ugly partner, the common thought is "he/she could do so much better". But the problem is there IS no better out there (for them) which is why they just date whoever. It's not like they are missing out. Maybe this is how your boyfriend thinks. You also have to keep in mind that sex is very important to a guy. If this is really getting in the way, you should consider moving on. You both should be more or less on the same page. Edited April 14, 2012 by FrustratedStandards
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 your being harsh and silly but this is how gals are. gals want guys who other gals want and if they are have found out to have too few past relatships or sex partners gals will find an excuse to dump them. what's a guy to do who can't get a gal? sex is a need. Life is one big d*ck-measuring contest...
jobaba Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Life is one big d*ck-measuring contest... Only if you sign up...
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 like you're one to judge character. She's absolutely, 100% right about this.
firehawk_1 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Flummox - reading your original post and not reading any other responses, you sound like you are a little, sorry, uptight and very picky/fussy. us guys arent like that (not anymore) and are not obsessed with looks as much as women are (sorry..but its true!) he does have standards but is NOT picky, fussy nor unrealistic. he wants a relationship, doesnt matter who as long as he gets treated well as you would get the same return back. that IS what a relationship is about, NOT about looks or how much you earn or anything else. otherwise, you are just looking for a sugardaddie relationship - one of meet every now and again for some "hot sex" with some guy for money. I agree with prune and dasin too. and just proves my point, and todays society
ThaWholigan Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 This is a difficult one. On the one hand, it seems this guy has had many troubles with his previous virginity and his worth to women, I understand that and relate to it almost completely. However, having low standards is likely to be a turn-off to most women. I find women do not understand why a man would become this way, but nonetheless it's something to consider when one is in such a position of desperation. OP, however you decide to proceed from this point is your call, and if you do not feel good about this, it's best you either talk about it with him, or end things. It must be reiterated that being a male virgin at a late age can be problematic, especially if you're having a hard time even getting a girl to be interested in you. However, I must point out that the best way to relieve yourself of the problem is simply to try and become at ease with oneself, and focus on building an attractive life for yourself. I admit to having quite high standards and I make no apologies for doing so.
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