SpaceLove Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Hello LoveShack! I am new to this site, and this is my first post. I've been having a pretty hard time in my long distance relationship for the past couple of weeks, and I would really like some advice from other people. Here's some info on my relationship first. He lives in Maine, I live in New York. I have a 4 year old son, he has no kids. We met here this past July. Hit it off immediately, and decided that we'd give this long distance relationship a shot in August. I must admit we fell in love pretty quickly and everything has been pretty great between us. We understand each other, respect each other, can speak freely about anything, and just have a really great relationship. Thing is, that my love language is mostly physical closeness. I need to be with him and I feel miserable when I'm not, so I suggested that we discuss what goals we have for this relationship. Where is it going? Will it be long distance for a long time? Are there any plans for either of us to relocate? He got annoyed because he's not ready to talk about this stuff. He thinks it's too soon, and he has no long term goal in mind what-so-ever. I'm not asking him about proposing to me, supporting me financially, or anything like that. I just want to be close to him. I just want to know that he does want that to happen one day. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to do or think at this point. I'm so hurt. Am I being impatient or crazy for wanting to have a goal in mind, 8 months into our relationship? Or do you think he's not as serious about us as I am? He tells me to wait a year or two and he might be ready. He told me he wants to get married someday, but that's not what this is all about.
HeavenOrHell Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 How many times have you met up? If it's only once or twice then IMO it's too early to even think about the possibility of relocating. I think couples need to spend a considerable amount of time together before making life changing plans like relocating. But of course it's normal to *think* about about it quite early on if you've really hit it off. How much communication do you have? I can understand him thinking it's too soon and just wanting to see how thing naturally evolve, but I can also understand you wondering/thinking about the future. It might be that an LDR isn't for you, they don't suit everyone, or even many people, they are far from ideal, but you can't really force things to move more quickly in any relationship, it's best to give things time and see how things go, rather than wanting things to go at a faster pace because you miss him. Hello LoveShack! I am new to this site, and this is my first post. I've been having a pretty hard time in my long distance relationship for the past couple of weeks, and I would really like some advice from other people. Here's some info on my relationship first. He lives in Maine, I live in New York. I have a 4 year old son, he has no kids. We met here this past July. Hit it off immediately, and decided that we'd give this long distance relationship a shot in August. I must admit we fell in love pretty quickly and everything has been pretty great between us. We understand each other, respect each other, can speak freely about anything, and just have a really great relationship. Thing is, that my love language is mostly physical closeness. I need to be with him and I feel miserable when I'm not, so I suggested that we discuss what goals we have for this relationship. Where is it going? Will it be long distance for a long time? Are there any plans for either of us to relocate? He got annoyed because he's not ready to talk about this stuff. He thinks it's too soon, and he has no long term goal in mind what-so-ever. I'm not asking him about proposing to me, supporting me financially, or anything like that. I just want to be close to him. I just want to know that he does want that to happen one day. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to do or think at this point. I'm so hurt. Am I being impatient or crazy for wanting to have a goal in mind, 8 months into our relationship? Or do you think he's not as serious about us as I am? He tells me to wait a year or two and he might be ready. He told me he wants to get married someday, but that's not what this is all about.
Author SpaceLove Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Thanks for your response. We see each other every other weekend. He's usually the one rbat comes to NY, but I've been to Maine a few times already. We talk throughout the day, every day by texting. I've left him alone this weekend since he was so frustrated. It's the first time we've ever had a fight and i just don't want to keep talking about this topic. I just hope I can find a way to get past this.
The dot Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Hello LoveShack! I am new to this site, and this is my first post. I've been having a pretty hard time in my long distance relationship for the past couple of weeks, and I would really like some advice from other people. Here's some info on my relationship first. He lives in Maine, I live in New York. I have a 4 year old son, he has no kids. We met here this past July. Hit it off immediately, and decided that we'd give this long distance relationship a shot in August. I must admit we fell in love pretty quickly and everything has been pretty great between us. We understand each other, respect each other, can speak freely about anything, and just have a really great relationship. Thing is, that my love language is mostly physical closeness. I need to be with him and I feel miserable when I'm not, so I suggested that we discuss what goals we have for this relationship. Where is it going? Will it be long distance for a long time? Are there any plans for either of us to relocate? He got annoyed because he's not ready to talk about this stuff. He thinks it's too soon, and he has no long term goal in mind what-so-ever. I'm not asking him about proposing to me, supporting me financially, or anything like that. I just want to be close to him. I just want to know that he does want that to happen one day. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to do or think at this point. I'm so hurt. Am I being impatient or crazy for wanting to have a goal in mind, 8 months into our relationship? Or do you think he's not as serious about us as I am? He tells me to wait a year or two and he might be ready. He told me he wants to get married someday, but that's not what this is all about. If it was me, I'd freak out if someone was asking those questions too early too. Personally, I'm of the opinion that a relationship is supposed to be fun, and I don't see that it really needs to "go" anywhere. Whatever happens is cool, as long as we're having fun. I also think that the more you need to "compromise" in a relationship, the more likely it is you're with the wrong person, so you may need to think about that. If you need to be close to this guy, but his priority is his career or whatever is keeping him so far from you, maybe he just isn't the guy for you. FWIW, I personally wouldn't bother with a long-distance relationship under any circumstances. As far as I'm concerned, most long distance relationships eventually devolve into long distance cheating as one or both partners realise they have to get their needs met, and the other person isn't there to do it. Let me put it another way: if you come home from work and there's no food in the kitchen, do you starve, or do you go out to eat? I think the same principle applies here. 1
crazylove Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I think that actually, after 8 months that there should be some sort of goal for the future. Not in a moving in kind of way, but in a how long should you wait before discussing a more solid future together, etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the questions, but it would kind of set of red flags to me if they got upset over it?! At the end of the day you like to be able to communicate with your partner. I guess you have sort of got an answer when he said to see where you both are in a year or 2, so really it's up to you to decide whether you can wait for a while before discussing again. 1
LittleTiger Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Thanks for your response. We see each other every other weekend. He's usually the one rbat comes to NY, but I've been to Maine a few times already. We talk throughout the day, every day by texting. I've left him alone this weekend since he was so frustrated. It's the first time we've ever had a fight and i just don't want to keep talking about this topic. I just hope I can find a way to get past this. If you have seen each other every weekend and have been in contact every day of the week for the past eight months, that's quite a lot of time spent together. It's not actually that different from a non-long distance relationship. If you have strong enough feelings for him that you are starting to want something more permanent and he is getting 'annoyed' at the mention of a future together, then you are not on the same page right now. Some men are not interested in commitment. Some just aren't ready for whatever reason and others never will be - or maybe you're just not the right woman for him. The thing is, whatever the reason for him wanting to keep his distance or his own space, it is what it is, and you can't do anything to change him. He is obviously happy with your arrangement and at this point you have no idea if he will want to get closer in one or two years, or even in five or ten years. He has been honest about his feelings and you can't really ask for more than that. So now you need to be honest with him and with yourself. Ask yourself a few questions. 1. Are you happy with this arrangement? (From what you've posted here it's clear that you're not) 2. If you're not happy, do you think he is worth waiting for and how long are you prepared to wait until he decides he's ready to make a commitment? 3. How will you feel if you continue with the relationship as it is for another year or two and he still doesn't want to change things? Bottom line is, if you're not getting your needs met and you've communicated this to him but he's not prepared to change anything, then you could be wasting a lot of time on a man who doesn't want the same thing that you do right now - and maybe he never will. 2
HeavenOrHell Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I agree, seeing as they meet up frequently, if they'd only met once or twice for a few days then I'd disagree. I think that actually, after 8 months that there should be some sort of goal for the future. Not in a moving in kind of way, but in a how long should you wait before discussing a more solid future together, etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the questions, but it would kind of set of red flags to me if they got upset over it?! At the end of the day you like to be able to communicate with your partner. I guess you have sort of got an answer when he said to see where you both are in a year or 2, so really it's up to you to decide whether you can wait for a while before discussing again.
FitChick Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Who would move where? Perhaps he likes his freedom and the peace and quiet during the week and doesn't want a young child around all the time, especially one that isn't his. 1
LittleTiger Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Who would move where? Perhaps he likes his freedom and the peace and quiet during the week and doesn't want a young child around all the time, especially one that isn't his. FitChick, I am curious why you ask this question so often in your posts on the LDR threads. Obviously, it applies to every LDR if it's going to work out in the long term and it's something most of us here are painfully aware of, but surely it's not an appropriate response in this case. The fact that her boyfriend won't discuss future plans is the whole point of the thread so it's really just rubbing salt in the wound. The rest of your post here I completely agree with. The OP wants to know if the relationship is 'going somewhere' and her boyfriend is clearly happy with the situation as it is and doesn't want anything to change. It's an old story in relationship terms. 1
FitChick Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 FitChick, I am curious why you ask this question so often in your posts on the LDR threads. Obviously, it applies to every LDR if it's going to work out in the long term and it's something most of us here are painfully aware of All too often each party assumes the other one will be the one to move and are surprised when that isn't the case. Or they never even think about it until they fall in love and then it's "Uh, oh, what do we do now?" I know it's hard to believe some people are that stupid but it happens. I've had a few LDRs myself and have had men tell me how they were ready to marry someone but she didn't want to leave her family, friends, job, etc., and if he'd known that up front he wouldn't have bothered. I make it clear that I am willing to move, so that is one less thing to worry about. Nowadays there are too many fantasists and timewasters who only want an online relationship, not a real one. You've got to weed out those nuts. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 It's not always a black and white situation. You've said before it's easy for you to move, which is great for you, but for many of us it's not that easy/simple. And it's not like couples can start talking about the future before they fall in love, or as soon as they do, as that would be a bit too previous, you can't rush things in any r/ship. In my situation, my partner said early on that he intended to move over, so yes I thought he would do as that's what he planned to do, but he wasn't able to because of his work situation, so is that my fault? You need to realise that people are often not in as easy a situation as you are when it comes to moving, be it work, kids, leaving family behind, whatever...there are many valid reasons. All too often each party assumes the other one will be the one to move and are surprised when that isn't the case. Or they never even think about it until they fall in love and then it's "Uh, oh, what do we do now?" I know it's hard to believe some people are that stupid but it happens. I've had a few LDRs myself and have had men tell me how they were ready to marry someone but she didn't want to leave her family, friends, job, etc., and if he'd known that up front he wouldn't have bothered. I make it clear that I am willing to move, so that is one less thing to worry about. Nowadays there are too many fantasists and timewasters who only want an online relationship, not a real one. You've got to weed out those nuts.
naughtyowl Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 He tells me to wait a year or two and he might be ready. You need to decide if waiting that long is worth it. It's that simple. If you can't, then suggest a compromise, maybe in 6 months have the talk. Everyone's different, as you can tell from these response, so keep that in mind. Don't expect a person will be comfortable making a decision at the same moment as you, let alone any moment at all. I was in a 3 year relationship, she was ready after year 1 to move in and get married/kids but I wasn't, but WAS slowly feeling more comfortable about the idea. Then she exploded in anger because she kept her insecure feelings about the situation bottled up inside. Don't make that mistake, tell him you are nervous about this... just telling him this may ease your mind. I know a couple who waited over 10 YEARS to make the traditional commitment with moving in and marriage... they just didn't see the urgency, they knew they loved each other and that was enough. I think if anything, they finally got bored and thought moving in and marraige might spice things up a bit. Still together after 25 years... 1
LittleTiger Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 All too often each party assumes the other one will be the one to move and are surprised when that isn't the case. Or they never even think about it until they fall in love and then it's "Uh, oh, what do we do now?" I know it's hard to believe some people are that stupid but it happens. I've had a few LDRs myself and have had men tell me how they were ready to marry someone but she didn't want to leave her family, friends, job, etc., and if he'd known that up front he wouldn't have bothered. I make it clear that I am willing to move, so that is one less thing to worry about. Nowadays there are too many fantasists and timewasters who only want an online relationship, not a real one. You've got to weed out those nuts. I agree that some people probably don't think things through sufficiently but, just as often, it's as HOH says - a couple can make plans and then 'sh*t happens' and all the plans get turned upside down. In this case though, I don't see how 'who would move where?' is an appropriate response given that the OP is upset because her boyfriend refuses to discuss their future at all. 'Who would move where?' is probably one of the questions that he is angry about. It's pretty clear that, in this LDR, nobody is moving anywhere any time soon! 1
Ghisop Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I agree with most people on here. I think if I'm dating anyone for 8 months I am thinking about a future - not necessarily marriage and kids... But I would be thinking is there a possibility with this guy or am I wasting my time. I think that you need to step back a bit though. I think it's good you are thinking these things but you don't want to scare him off just yet. I would try just asking what he thinks the future would bring or his ideal situation. I'm sure he has thought about it but may not want to go there just yet.
Ellamay Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Hes not serious about you and never will be. If you want something more serious, youre going to have to seek it elsewhere.
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