starla33 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 This guy I was texting with from an online dating that I had plans to hang out with started playfully calling me lazy in texts because I don't work out as much as he does (or something like that). I'm all for making fun of people and do it all the time, but in a cute way. This just comes off as rude as I haven't even met the guy yet.
westrock Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Sounds like he is projecting his own fears onto you. He was probably called lazy in the past and in response he started working out a lot to avoid the "lazy" label. His fear is that someone will call him lazy and he probably still feels deep down that he's "lazy" (eventhough he won't admit it). In order to deflect that fear of someone calling him lazy, he instead calls you lazy to rationalize that he is not lazy. I'd be curious to know his response if you were text back to him that you are very happy with your work out level and you don't feel lazy at all.
Radu Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It depends on context, i could see how i might say something like that as a joke and i could see how i might take offense if i was told that. The question is, why does it bother you ?
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It's called "flirting" where I'm from, the playful attempt to elicit a response for the purpose of increasing sexual attraction. This is just another reason why texting people you don't know that well, ESPECIALLY ones you haven't even met, is a bad idea, subject to misunderstandings in so many ways. This kind of thing comes up constantly here. 3
ASG Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I can see it being a playful thing, but I know it would rub me the wrong way of someone said that to me. Like, you know when people call you sleepyhead just after you woke up? I become homicidal when anyone says that to me. But I don't think he ment to be rude, just playful.
westrock Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It's called "flirting" where I'm from, the playful attempt to elicit a response for the purpose of increasing sexual attraction. Negative put downs is a strange form of "flirting". Healthy people don't need to flirt that way, and healthy people don't put up with that type of flirting for long because it can also turn into verbal abuse later on. 1
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Negative put downs is a strange form of "flirting". Healthy people don't need to flirt that way, and healthy people don't put up with that type of flirting for long because it can also turn into verbal abuse later on. Agreed. I've never understood why men do this. The only people who respond to this kind of flirting are emotionally UNHEALTHY individuals. "Scoring" with such people can't possibly be seen as an accomplishment. What he's doing is rude. He's either (1) projecting his own fears about being lazy onto the OP; or, more likely, (2) indirectly telling her he won't tolerate someone who's not built like a goddess.
Imajerk17 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It's a tad poorly calibrated. You tease a woman for little things such as her shoe obsession or a cute mannerism she has or for the color she paints her nails. Stay away from teasing her about the heavier subjects, which includes body image (excuse the pun).
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 ]You tease a woman for little things such as her shoe obsession or a cute mannerism she has or for the color she paints her nails. Stay away from teasing her about the heavier subjects, which includes body image (excuse the pun). Agreed. Cute teasing that can't be taken personally is fun. Personal stuff should be off-limits.
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Negative put downs is a strange form of "flirting". Healthy people don't need to flirt that way, and healthy people don't put up with that type of flirting for long because it can also turn into verbal abuse later on. Oh please, spare me the "abuser danger" speech, it's the same one heard for 50 years and it's quite enough. People tease each other, it's part of bonding and flirting. People do it with their friends and family constantly. OP's guy's mistake was merely in doing it via text where she couldn't see his body language or face, and so his teasing intent could be misconstrued. If women weren't so dour, earnest and PC, always looking to be offended, they'd be a helluva lot happier in life generally.
veggirl Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 OMG it could turn into verbal abuse? Well, I guess that's *possible*... When my BF leaves clothes all over his floor, I call him a slob or say he is living in a pig pen and I don't think I am verbally abusive, lol. I agree with dasein, he was flirting. You don't like how he flirts, that's cool. I am also wondering how you responded? I don't know, I have a pretty quick wit and sharp tongue, I can joke back about that kinda stuff really easily and I wouldn't be offended. I like banter / teasing.
Author starla33 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Oh please, spare me the "abuser danger" speech, it's the same one heard for 50 years and it's quite enough. People tease each other, it's part of bonding and flirting. People do it with their friends and family constantly. OP's guy's mistake was merely in doing it via text where she couldn't see his body language or face, and so his teasing intent could be misconstrued. If women weren't so dour, earnest and PC, always looking to be offended, they'd be a helluva lot happier in life generally. Hey I tease people all the time and expect it from others as well, BUT when I haven't met someone it comes off as rude. I don't know you! I have never met you! Why are you acting like you know me? I think it's just something that needs to be held back initially.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 "Why are you wearing a hat in all your pictures? Are you balding or something? Next thing I know you'll have a big 'ole pot belly and have your hands down your pants ala Al Bundy! Hahahaha! Just teasing..." That would feel good coming from someone you've never met. Right, guys? It's just teasing... 1
Cracker Jack Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 So, uh, have you actually talked to him about this?
Author starla33 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 OMG it could turn into verbal abuse? Well, I guess that's *possible*... When my BF leaves clothes all over his floor, I call him a slob or say he is living in a pig pen and I don't think I am verbally abusive, lol. I agree with dasein, he was flirting. You don't like how he flirts, that's cool. I am also wondering how you responded? I don't know, I have a pretty quick wit and sharp tongue, I can joke back about that kinda stuff really easily and I wouldn't be offended. I like banter / teasing. Yea that is TOTALLY FINE, What i'm saying is i have not MET this person yet. So it comes off completely rude to me.
ASG Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Yea that is TOTALLY FINE, What i'm saying is i have not MET this person yet. So it comes off completely rude to me. Yeah, he is coming across as overly familiar. I hate it when people do that to me. Even if it's in calling me sweetie/darling/honey/whatever pet name they choose. It just rubs me the wrong way
veggirl Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Yea that is TOTALLY FINE, What i'm saying is i have not MET this person yet. So it comes off completely rude to me. Yeah I can see that. It's understandable. I wouldn't be offended but I can see the other side of the coin. Are you gonna go out with him?
Author starla33 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Yeah I can see that. It's understandable. I wouldn't be offended but I can see the other side of the coin. Are you gonna go out with him? I'm going to see what hes like in person, but my hopes are not up! lol
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 "Why are you wearing a hat in all your pictures? Are you balding or something? Next thing I know you'll have a big 'ole pot belly and have your hands down your pants ala Al Bundy! Hahahaha! Just teasing..." That would feel good coming from someone you've never met. Right, guys? It's just teasing... Hyperbole much? Why yes, you do.
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Hey I tease people all the time and expect it from others as well, BUT when I haven't met someone it comes off as rude. I don't know you! I have never met you! Why are you acting like you know me? I think it's just something that needs to be held back initially. I agree, the guy made the mistake of familiarity based on text, one of the most frequent mistakes here. Still betcha it was harmlessly intended. Good luck on the date and let us know how it goes. If you make up a story about him ending up a roid rager with a right said fred tank, and he really wasn't, I will know it because I am a human lie detector.
westrock Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Oh please, spare me the "abuser danger" speech, it's the same one heard for 50 years and it's quite enough. People tease each other, it's part of bonding and flirting. People do it with their friends and family constantly. OP's guy's mistake was merely in doing it via text where she couldn't see his body language or face, and so his teasing intent could be misconstrued. There's a difference between teasing and a negative put down. One can tease in a playful fun positive way - that's healthy flirting. But, what he texted was a negative put down, and these two aren't even friends or family.
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 But, what he texted was a negative put down, That's interesting you are sure of that, as OP didn't tell us what was actually texted and she herself said it had playful intent in the OP.
Imajerk17 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It does kind of crack me up how some women read too much into things though. The guy probably meant well, but is just a little clueless about how to flirt over text with someone he never met in person (kind of unnatural in the first place IMO). It's not a sign that he is a jerk or a serial killer or anything....
ASG Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It does kind of crack me up how some women read too much into things though. The guy probably meant well, but is just a little clueless about how to flirt over text with someone he never met in person (kind of unnatural in the first place IMO). It's not a sign that he is a jerk or a serial killer or anything.... No, but a lot of people don't like forced familiarity, which is what is being talked about here. He said something, in a jesty way, I have no doubt, that he shouldn't have said to someone he barely knows. And if you read it all, she's still going on a date with him. And he might come acress much better in person!
NXS Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Definitely verbal and emotional abuse, this guy is obviously a creepy control freak who's going to start smacking the s*** out of the OP for burning his toast. He probably has issues with his mother as well.... oh and lives in her basement. Move on forthwith!! 1
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