Would you bother with this guy?

[kaylan]

I went to a night club today. I tend to stay away from such avenues lately but it was my bro's birthday and I had to be there.

 

Anyho, I met this guy while I was at the bar waiting for drinks. We went away to talk and ended up talking for 2 hours. He is 29, works in IT, tall, dark with nicely sculpted body. I was definitely attracted...but...

 

He ended a LTR 4 months ago and we bonded over that and the fact that we both feel a bit lost. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. I told him that I am not looking for anything serious but not one night stand either. He said he feels the same. HOWEVER, it was clear that he wanted to have sex that night. He kept hinting and I kept rejecting and telling him it's not gonna happen. He asked if he can kiss me. I said no at first but then ended up kissing him . It was pretty hot and he commented on how much he enjoyed it. Still, I didn't want to go home with him.

 

It turned into a long drawn out discussion (reminded me of talks I had with my ex). He basically said that I am complicating things too much with "I don't want a relationship but not one night stand either". I thought I was being clear. He kept telling me: simplify, simplify. He asked me: OK in clear English, what do you want me to do right now. I told him: I want you to take my phone number and to call me tomorrow and ask me out on a date. He exclaimed, finally we are getting somewhere! So he took my number and then I told him I feel like I forced him into taking my number. He again said wow, so complicated.

 

He asked me if I want him to leave me alone so that I could go to my brother and my friends. I said yes, and he did. He only found me to say bye as he was leaving.

 

So it's 3am now and I am home. He texted me with "I am happy to have met you tonight and I am really keen to see you again.". I didn't respond.

 

Should I bother with him given that he clearly attempted one night stand?

 

I feel like he is just after sex.

 

 

It was clear about 1 hour in that he was looking for sex that night.

I feel like you are over-complicating things with a decent guy.

 

If anything youll make him only want to use you for sex because you come off as drama and men dont want that.

 

And even if the dude just wanted sex, it wouldnt make him a bad guy. Doesnt mean he wouldnt want to still get to know you. We know you are capable of seeing someone as just a fling anyways. He may be like that...he may not be like that. It depends on if you guys click. And its not like guys will always be truthful about wanting a relationship or not. We wont tell girls we just met (especially in a club) that we are looking for a girlfriend. Why? Because some chicks will find that off putting because they dont want a relationship themselves and are out to have fun. I mean, you dont want a relationship yourself, and Id expect most girls in the club to be the same...so even if I did want to find a girlfriend, I wouldnt be scaring off club girls by telling them that.

 

If im attracted to a girl Ill want to have sex with her, but if shes really cool, us having sex right away wont make me not want to date her...especially if we truly clicked well.

Edited April 15, 2012 by kaylan

[RedRobin]

In my opinion you're unjustly defending ES on this.

 

I wouldn't be up on the barricades regarding this if she went about this with integrity and informed the guy beforehand that she only wants sex. She didn't do that with the French guy. She just went for what she wanted (sex), regardless of the potential consequences for the other person.

 

But it wouldn't be the first time I noticed this double standard on LS. When a player does it, he's an evil bastard, when a woman on LS does it, she gets cheered on for it.

 

Give me a break.

 

ES is giving off the opposite signals to the guy of what she's intending to go for. Read the bold parts.

 

Page 2:

 

 

 

Page 3:

 

 

 

If I told a woman I'm open to a relationship and she says: "But I want to take it slow"

 

Then I in no way would expect that I'm dealing with a woman that only wants to use me for sex. ES should be clear on this with a guy, before she gets intimately involved with him.

 

She went about it the exact same way with the French guy. First she had sex with him, then you see her on LS pondering: "I don't care about him, he's dumb and boring. Perhaps I should tell him I have no feelings for him."

 

How about being considerate and showing class and integrity by telling a guy that BEFORE you have sex with him.

 

It's not right to give someone the impression that you're dating them for a relationship, only to end up using them for sex and telling them afterwards that you don't have feelings, while in fact she knew that already beforehand, i.e. before she had sex with him.

 

That is deception. You're not fooling me and I certainly won't be cheering her on to do this like some other LS members have done.

 

There is this really crappy double standard that suggests that men don't get attached through sex and that most men are just out for a piece of *ss. (note: I don't believe it, but alot of people do).

 

Unfortunately, that leads to the kind of back and forth you witness here. Where women think it is ok to just 'use' a guy for sex and be vauge with intentions because...

 

The man never really cared in the first place. So what harm was done?

 

Not that I agree with that. But that is where it comes from.

[threebyfate]

She already told the guy she wants something between a serious relationship and a ONS. Everyone jumps on the fact that he said he didn't want a relationship as a warning for her not to expect it. She was just as forthright as he was about this - in fact, moreso, because she brought it up and stated her position right away. So he knows exactly where she stands.

Agree.

 

There's also a double standard being applied to ES. It pisses some guys off that she's capable of having casual sex since *gasp* women can't compartmentalize like guys which isn't true for ALL women.

 

As far as clear communications, an open relationship is somewhere between an ONS and a serious relationship.

[gibson]

I don't understand why guys on here are all worked up over ES and the latest victim.

 

They just met for the first time and the guys on here are telling ES she needs to have "the talk" to DTR (Define the Relationship). Holy Crap!

 

Does everyone here on LS go into and assume every introduction, conversation, text message, kiss, fooling around, sex, etc. means the other person is looking for and wanting a committed relationship?

 

No wonder most of you men are screwed up when it comes to dating! Why the heck are you asking the women who you are pursuing what to do / not do? You do realize you are the man, right? That you are the pursuer, right?

 

The other problem men have on here... Seems like every guy on here thinks he is "Captain Save A Ho" and chases only "fixer uppers". Sure, you might get lucky and "Save one" or "Fix one up" but it's pure hell going through the process. Even if you are lucky and help one become "healthy", they leave for another guy in the end anyway.

 

Rebounders like ES are VERY EASY to spot. They have 10,000 red flags and don't really try to hide them. Quit trying to make every women you meet into a relationship. Take it one day at a time, actually get to know the person and be on the lookout for for any possible red flags. If there are red flags or it gets "complicated", kick her to the curb and go find one that knows who they are, what they want and doesn't have any interest in games and drama.

 

If the women is interested in you and wants a future with you, she will have ZERO problems removing any or all obstacles in the way.

 

As far as dating that leads into something "more"...

 

In all the LTRs I have been in, I have never had to have "the talk" to define the relationship. We just ended up together. No fuse, no hassles, no drama, no games, no guessing, no "talks", etc. At some point through the dating process it developed into a relationship naturally. At some point one of us said, guess we are together, huh? That was about the extent of it.

 

It's not that complicated people!

 

Boy meets girl, boy ask girl out, girl says yes, boy keeps asking girl out, girl keeps saying yes, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset.

 

I don't understand how a majority of the LS community can screw that up!

Edited April 16, 2012 by gibson

[Eternal Sunshine]

Oh man, this thread is giving me a headache.

[Eternal Sunshine]

And the model is unexpectedly back in town and wants to meet up tonight.

 

Life is hard

[Leigh 87]

I feel like you are over-complicating things with a decent guy.

 

If anything youll make him only want to use you for sex because you come off as drama and men dont want that.

 

And even if the dude just wanted sex, it wouldnt make him a bad guy. Doesnt mean he wouldnt want to still get to know you. We know you are capable of seeing someone as just a fling anyways. He may be like that...he may not be like that. It depends on if you guys click. And its not like guys will always be truthful about wanting a relationship or not. We wont tell girls we just met (especially in a club) that we are looking for a girlfriend. Why? Because some chicks will find that off putting because they dont want a relationship themselves and are out to have fun. I mean, you dont want a relationship yourself, and Id expect most girls in the club to be the same...so even if I did want to find a girlfriend, I wouldnt be scaring off club girls by telling them that.

 

If im attracted to a girl Ill want to have sex with her, but if shes really cool, us having sex right away wont make me not want to date her...especially if we truly clicked well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly - have sex right away if u feel like it, if he is into you, he will want to get to know you more.

 

I have been with my b/f for over a year, and neither of us were looking for a relationship. In fact, we were sort of averse to the idea of relationships. I had sex with him within a week of meeting him. The sex did not complicate things. It is just sex.

[RedRobin]

What would you suggest a guy should do in order to prevent that? Because even though the guy ES is talking about indicated that he's open for a relationship, she still only wants to use him as a piece of ass.

 

Personally I would think a guy should communicate clearly where he's hoping things to go, but ES's guy did that, yet still that didn't work...

 

It might still work... I'd suggest men do what women do when they aren't sure of someone else's intentions and want to get to know someone.

 

They wait to have sex Even when the woman is throwing 'it' at him. Not like a passive puppy dog, mind you. But measured and with some eye on sorting out any red flags in advance.

 

On the other hand, he says he's open to a relationship... but alot of guys say that just to get a piece of *ss too. So it is possible that these two are kinda meant for each other. Neither really knowing what they want and kind of flailing around.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Me and model are non-exclusive, he knows that so it's all good there.

 

I am already sleeping with the model BTW. I haven't gotten attached or developed feelings for him on any level.

 

I am slightly worried that I will never have feelings for anyone again. I just feel so detached from it all.

[RedRobin]

I am slightly worried that I will never have feelings for anyone again. I just feel so detached from it all.

 

Sleeping with strangers won't fix that. I'm not being judgemental. Who you sleep with and when is none of my business.

 

However, I've observed that people do fall into habits though... and there is some danger of walling off yourself long-term if you make a habit of this. It becomes the default condition.

 

Then when an emotionally available, sincerely interested, wonderful man comes along... you are walled off.

 

Not sure what to tell you. I'm about ready to chew my arms off because of LOS (lack of sex)... I'm seriously tempted to just go out and 'get laid' like so many people here recommend.

 

I dunno. BTDT years ago. I just can't go back to fast food.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Roughly a week ago you were pondering on LS about telling him that you didn't have feelings for him. Does this post mean you decided to follow through on telling him that?

 

Yeah, he travels a lot so we agreed to a non-exclusive arrangement. He usually texts me when he is around and comes over to my place.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I NEVER did the casual thing before. I was always strictly relationships only.

 

But honestly, I can't see myself falling in love or anything close to it any time soon (if ever). I just feel so.... melanholic. Sex is nice though, I just want the guy out of there ASAP when we are done.

[Pierre]

I NEVER did the casual thing before. I was always strictly relationships only.

 

But honestly, I can't see myself falling in love or anything close to it any time soon (if ever). I just feel so.... melanholic. Sex is nice though, I just want the guy out of there ASAP when we are done.

 

You are very bitter and frustrated. Seeking external validation through sex will only be a short lived improvement on how you feel.

 

You cannot fall in love again when you still have baggage from your prior relationship. I suggesr you stop dating for at least six months.

[xpaperxcutx]

Heartofalion stop defending thqe guy, he only suggested he was open to relationship after ES rejectled him.the guy is clearly chasing tail; he' ll likely won't regret sleeping with her if sex is all he's interested in.

As for ES, she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. We can agree she's acting like a player, but then this is ES her modus operandi is coming on here and seeking validations for her behavior. If karma does bite her in the back you wouldn't be losing any sleep over it.

[zengirl]

Any guy who told me to "Simplify" like that would not be a guy I'd go out with. Ugh, those guys annoy me. But propositioning you in a nightclub sounds like a reasonably normal thing to do. A guy looking for a LTR wouldn't do it, but he admitted that straight-up. However, "Simplify" guys are often looking for power, IMO. If you want to feel empowered yourself, they aren't the right guys. Even though the French model was interested in sex ASAP, he didn't pull that crap, right? Many men can be interested in sex without making a power play out of it. THAT'S what I find problematic about the "Simplify" guys, and they're often guys on the rebound.

 

Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose. Your once a week dating thing reminds me of the rule that started your last relationship, though. Rules are okay, but I think you have to have a strength and empowerment from within, not just validation from the outside and rules to protect you. Boundaries aren't exactly the same thing as "rules" generally, and it's the empowerment and strength in your sense of self that makes them different. I think you're getting somewhere though, so that's my advice to you. Build your boundaries -- not just your rules -- whatever you do.

 

The truth is the kind of R dynamic you are talking about (not a R, not a ONS, with some dating rules, etc) is going to be murky. That's okay, but you have to be willing to accept a lot of uncertainty and still feel empowered. "Simplify" guys, from what I've observed through the years, often make people feel the opposite of empowered.

Edited April 16, 2012 by zengirl

[xpaperxcutx]

You are very bitter and frustrated. Seeking external validation through sex will only be a short lived improvement on how you feel.

 

You cannot fall in love again when you still have baggage from your prior relationship. I suggesr you stop dating for at least six months.

 

Pierre your good intentions are duly note. However being moral about doing unto others what they would you will only fall on deaf ears. If ES DESERVES A LESSON SHE WILL SURELY NEED TO SUFFER FOR ONE FIRST.

[Kamille]

But honestly, I can't see myself falling in love or anything close to it any time soon (if ever). I just feel so.... melanholic.

 

You're how old now? Something like 32-33 years old right? You are going to fall in love again. So don't use "I'll never fall in love again" as a cop out for treating others badly or for thinking you don't have to communicate your intentions clearly.

 

Allow yourself to think long-term. Sure, right now, you're not looking for a relationship. But are you going to feel the same way 3 years from now? Not likely. So make sure that your choices now don't get in the way of who you want to be with your future partner.

 

And to be clear, to me, all this means is that you show respect for the men you allow in your life. That you respect yourself as well - and are true to who you are. You can have casual NSA sex all you want. But be honest and be mindful of other people's feelings.

Edited April 16, 2012 by Kamille

[Eternal Sunshine]

Simplify guy called again even though we have lunch set up for Thursday. He just wanted to chat but I cut it off after few mins. I feel like calling twice a day is annoying and invading my space. And I hate talking on the phone.

 

I just wish my R with ex worked out. I don't want to go through this c...

[eleanorhurting]

Simplify guy called again even though we have lunch set up for Thursday. He just wanted to chat but I cut it off after few mins. I feel like calling twice a day is annoying and invading my space. And I hate talking on the phone.

 

I just wish my R with ex worked out. I don't want to go through this c...

 

When I say things like that is when I realize that I am still holding on to things from the past

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's been 2.5 months and I still haven't moved forward. I don't want to go back so I truly don't get myself.

[Kamille]

Simplify guy called again even though we have lunch set up for Thursday. He just wanted to chat but I cut it off after few mins. I feel like calling twice a day is annoying and invading my space. And I hate talking on the phone.

 

I just wish my R with ex worked out. I don't want to go through this c...

 

Straight up ES, don't be passive aggressive. If calling "just to chat" isn't what you want right now, tell Simp. Be clear.

 

Then, if he keeps calling, you can start resenting him for "invalidating" your space. But don't expect strangers to be mind readers.

 

I also get the impression your desire to be liked/validated is trumping your ability to assert yourself. As much as you don't want something serious, it seems to me that you still fear "losing" this guy by being too straightforward about what you want. So, instead, you're sending ambiguous signals and building (an unneccesary) case against Simplify.

[eleanorhurting]

It's been 2.5 months and I still haven't moved forward. I don't want to go back so I truly don't get myself.

 

 

Its been a year and 4 months for me! I try to recognize those feelings and put them aside and try to let them not cloud my current decisions but they still come. So at 2.5 months I can totally understand how it would happen and my best advice to you is to recognize it and acknowledge how these feelings could be affecting how you are behaving now.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I still think you are using the attention of these 2 guys to validate yourself rather than enjoying it for any healthy reason, like lusting after casual sex for its own sake. Even the fact that you post here little details about their contacting you makes me think that you're in a place of : "See? Guys like and want me."

 

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with getting a boost from guys being attracted to you. Using guys for that is a different story, though.

 

Mostly, my concern is that no matter how much you act like you don't care and you're not invested - when and if these guys stop showing interest in you, your self esteem will plummet and you will have a big crash.

[Star Gazer]

Mostly, my concern is that no matter how much you act like you don't care and you're not invested - when and if these guys stop showing interest in you, your self esteem will plummet and you will have a big crash.

 

Totally agree.

[kaylan]

Heartofalion stop defending thqe guy, he only suggested he was open to relationship after ES rejectled him.the guy is clearly chasing tail; he' ll likely won't regret sleeping with her if sex is all he's interested in.

As for ES, she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. We can agree she's acting like a player, but then this is ES her modus operandi is coming on here and seeking validations for her behavior. If karma does bite her in the back you wouldn't be losing any sleep over it.

Disagree. What do you expect a guy in the club to tell a girl whos clearly not after a relationship? Im not scaring women away by saying Im chasing a girlfriend. Especially someone like OP.

 

Based on everything OP has told us, if I met her in the club, id get the vibe that shes confused which would confuse me. And hell, shes already shown shes capable of using guys for sex without having "the talk" first.

 

Like another poster said, its so untrue that guys are all after sex and dont get attached from it. Many of us do, and it hurts like hell when a girl you like uses you for sex. Im still getting over my paranoia that girls will use me for sex. No one likes to feel like they arent good enough, male or female.

 

OP should at least keep talking to the guy and stop being so presumptuous. But personally, if I was the dudes buddy, Id tell him to bail. Because he doesnt seem like a bad guy, and he would be in for a lot of drama...especially since shes screwing some other guy as it is, and does seem to be jaded regarding love.

 

What bothers me is the freaking lame double standard on this site. I wish the men and women here could be more objective and stop looking through gender lenses all the time. Because guys would get vilified by the women here if they were acting like OP...but some of you gals seem to be acting like its just ok.

 

And not to sound like a softy or anything, but it makes me feel really cautious about dating. Especially seeing as the last girl I really liked totally used me to ass and threw me for a loop. I sort of expect girls all to simply not give a damn about a guys feelings and opinions when it comes to sex. Because all I ever hear is people talking about Him using Her, Him wanting sex too quickly, Him lying to her...as if women never do the same thing....and then when women go ahead anddo those same things, everyone starts saying "well at least he got laid".

 

/rant

 

lolz