Eternal Sunshine Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I went to a night club today. I tend to stay away from such avenues lately but it was my bro's birthday and I had to be there. Anyho, I met this guy while I was at the bar waiting for drinks. We went away to talk and ended up talking for 2 hours. He is 29, works in IT, tall, dark with nicely sculpted body. I was definitely attracted...but... He ended a LTR 4 months ago and we bonded over that and the fact that we both feel a bit lost. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. I told him that I am not looking for anything serious but not one night stand either. He said he feels the same. HOWEVER, it was clear that he wanted to have sex that night. He kept hinting and I kept rejecting and telling him it's not gonna happen. He asked if he can kiss me. I said no at first but then ended up kissing him . It was pretty hot and he commented on how much he enjoyed it. Still, I didn't want to go home with him. It turned into a long drawn out discussion (reminded me of talks I had with my ex). He basically said that I am complicating things too much with "I don't want a relationship but not one night stand either". I thought I was being clear. He kept telling me: simplify, simplify. He asked me: OK in clear English, what do you want me to do right now. I told him: I want you to take my phone number and to call me tomorrow and ask me out on a date. He exclaimed, finally we are getting somewhere! So he took my number and then I told him I feel like I forced him into taking my number. He again said wow, so complicated. He asked me if I want him to leave me alone so that I could go to my brother and my friends. I said yes, and he did. He only found me to say bye as he was leaving. So it's 3am now and I am home. He texted me with "I am happy to have met you tonight and I am really keen to see you again.". I didn't respond. Should I bother with him given that he clearly attempted one night stand? I feel like he is just after sex. It was clear about 1 hour in that he was looking for sex that night.
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Yeah, meet him again, but if he pulls the same stunt - drop it there. Let's see what he's like out of a night-club environment. But if he doesn't change his tune, likely he never will. And btw, there's nothing complicated about your stance. Self-respect isn't complicated at all. 6
tigressA Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Well if you don't want just sex, and you don't want a relationship...what IS it that you want? Do you just want to date around? 'Take a lover'? Anyway, it seems like you have misgivings about this guy, so you should move along.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Pretty much all men want sex, most of them as soon as they can get it. I'm not going to respond if he's sleazy about it, but I don't hold it against a guy just for expressing the desire. I appreciate the honesty. It kinda sucks, but it's up to us women to decide when it's going to happen. I have a date tonight, and I know I'm going to want to have sex with him... because I'm horny and he's sexy. But I will most likely hold off for a while, because he seems like a real prospect, and I want to enjoy the anticipation a bit. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Attempting a one night stand isn't a crime or a sign of bad character. You may have given signals that you could be up for it. If you don't want something serious, but you do want something, it's probably going to be in the realm of a casual relationship that includes sex. Do you want that? Are you capable of it? Would it be good for you? I don't know. But it sounds like there is a mutual attraction, anyway.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 He's telling you straight up he doesn't want a relationship. You must believe him about this. You're saying you don't want just sex. That is fair. If you engage him, you'll end up going on date(s) and you will end up having sex with him. You'll end up catching feelings and wanting a relationship, and not getting one (because he already told you he's not interested in that), and wind up feeling rejected and bad. That is NOT what you need right now, while you're still healing. 7
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 ES, I know what's going on inside of you. Do you?
PlumPrincess Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 ES, I know what's going on inside of you. Do you? What's going on inside of her? Just being curious.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 ES, I know what's going on inside of you. OF COURSE you do. 1
Pierre Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I have a date tonight, and I know I'm going to want to have sex with him... because I'm horny and he's sexy. But I will most likely hold off for a while, because he seems like a real prospect, and I want to enjoy the anticipation a bit. Women hold off the sex for the good guys. Was up with that? 2
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 What's going on inside of her? Just being curious. Perhaps I should have used the word "guess". It's unfair of me to say I know since she hasn't told me anything. I'd also prefer to keep my guess under wraps unless she wants me to express it. It's too easy for the rat pack to go after her.
Pierre Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I went to a night club today. I tend to stay away from such avenues lately but it was my bro's birthday and I had to be there. Anyho, I met this guy while I was at the bar waiting for drinks. We went away to talk and ended up talking for 2 hours. He is 29, works in IT, tall, dark with nicely sculpted body. I was definitely attracted...but... He ended a LTR 4 months ago and we bonded over that and the fact that we both feel a bit lost. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. I told him that I am not looking for anything serious but not one night stand either. He said he feels the same. HOWEVER, it was clear that he wanted to have sex that night. He kept hinting and I kept rejecting and telling him it's not gonna happen. He asked if he can kiss me. I said no at first but then ended up kissing him . It was pretty hot and he commented on how much he enjoyed it. Still, I didn't want to go home with him. It turned into a long drawn out discussion (reminded me of talks I had with my ex). He basically said that I am complicating things too much with "I don't want a relationship but not one night stand either". I thought I was being clear. He kept telling me: simplify, simplify. He asked me: OK in clear English, what do you want me to do right now. I told him: I want you to take my phone number and to call me tomorrow and ask me out on a date. He exclaimed, finally we are getting somewhere! So he took my number and then I told him I feel like I forced him into taking my number. He again said wow, so complicated. He asked me if I want him to leave me alone so that I could go to my brother and my friends. I said yes, and he did. He only found me to say bye as he was leaving. So it's 3am now and I am home. He texted me with "I am happy to have met you tonight and I am really keen to see you again.". I didn't respond. Should I bother with him given that he clearly attempted one night stand? I feel like he is just after sex. It was clear about 1 hour in that he was looking for sex that night. Some men know how to read women. You say you don't want a ONS, but your behavior tells him he can get you in the sac with a bit more work. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Women hold off the sex for the good guys. Was up with that? I've had a few casual situations over the years, and in those cases, all I wanted was some mutual pleasure and affection, so I didn't care that much about how our story unfolded or what he thought of me. With a real prospect, I'm aspiring to the higher ideals of lasting love and real companionship. So I want our story to open with some romance, suspense, mystery. I believe that waiting a bit for sex promotes healthy bonding and attachment, and enables both people to move forward with their minds less clouded. And most men love the sensual, meandering tease and are very fired up by it. Waiting a bit helps separate the animals/monkeys from the more intelligent guys operating on a higher plane. The animal will be easily distracted by the next shiny thing. The intelligent man understands that to get what he really wants, what will really fulfill him, he's going to need to make the investment of time and energy, and be patient. Also, sex with a guy I care about and have an attachment to is WAY better than sex with a guy I barely know - for both of us. I am much more generous in bed with a guy I've made some emotional investment with. So I think it's well worth the wait. And finally, I love sex just as much as most men, so I don't wait THAT long. I'm sure I'll want him as bad as he'll want me tonight - I just have to do the woman's "duty" of setting the pace. I told you, it kinda sucks. 8
MrCastle Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Some men know how to read women. You say you don't want a ONS, but your behavior tells him he can get you in the sac with a bit more work. Totally agree. You turned down a kiss but he eventually got you to kiss him. If you check out pick up artist forums sometimes the girl rejects sex at the beginning of the night, and at the end she's throwing herself at the guy. I've had enough experiences to know actions speak louder than words. You *said* you weren't gonna kiss him and you did. He probably thinks he can get you in bed the same way. Some men just know how to work women. It is what it is. If you want to have fun, see him again, if you don't, the don't 3
Kamille Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Argh. I'm getting old, but I can't stand men who tell me to "simplify" or "relax" or do whatever it is they think will make it easier for them to get me in the sack, this, in spite of the fact I made it clear I'm not getting naked with them in the near future. I take absolutely no issue with the fact that he made it clear he wanted to have sex, however. He's allowed to say it and you're allowed to say no. Punto. I would have laughed in his face and likely walked away the minute he told me to simplify. It sounds like you were somehow swayed by this, as if he had a point. I'm here to tell you ES, he didn't. Sure, you're complicated. That's who you are. They take it or leave it. So, when he calls, go out with him if you want to, but don't be ashamed of who you are and stand firm on your boundaries. 3
MrCastle Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Waiting a bit helps separate the animals/monkeys from the more intelligent guys operating on a higher plane. The animal will be easily distracted by the next shiny thing. The intelligent man understands that to get what he really wants, what will really fulfill him, he's going to need to make the investment of time and energy, and be patient. Be careful with this. I agree that this method can help weed out some of the guys only looking for a quick lay, but you also run the risk of losing out on good men. men, both the good ones and bad ones, do not take kindly to teasing. i'm a nice guy but i *will* leave a woman if she pulled this on me. sex is natural, it's a passionate connection that you share with another human being. if you're so attracted to the person that you wanna hook up on the first date, so be it. a good guy isn't going to complain about that, and he will stick around if he is indeed good. sex is sex. it's not a birthday gift where the person has to wait in anticipation and whatnot. if the guy wants it, and you want it, give it up. if a girl gave it up easy to me i wouldn't say wow what a skank, i'm leaving! i would say whoa this chick is really into me to give it up this soon, awesome. you can thank cock teasers who use men for ruining it for the rest of the girls out there that plan to eventually give it up. sometimes a man can't tell the difference between a girl holding sex over his head to get what she wants and a girl who just wants to wait it out for a little 2
eleanorhurting Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 as I have learned the horribly hard way "you complicate things you need to go with the flow= just shut up and open your legs 5
Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Argh. I'm getting old, but I can't stand men who tell me to "simplify" or "relax" or do whatever it is they think will make it easier for them to get me in the sack, this, in spite of the fact I made it clear I'm not getting naked with them in the near future. For me, it depends on how they do it. The bouncer I was just seeing had to work on me big time to even get me to go on a date with him. He was trying everything, but what eventually won me over was him convincing me to relax, let things happen as they will, and have some fun. He convinced me we would have a fun time, and we did. I knew what I was doing, and don't regret it one bit. Sure, you're complicated. That's who you are. They take it or leave it. So, when he calls, go out with him if you want to, but don't be ashamed of who you are and stand firm on your boundaries. Absolutely. And if you want something between a serious relationship and a one-night stand, go for it. In doing that, I have gotten to know parts of myself I never did before, come out of my shell a lot more, and had some crazy fun times with fascinating fellas. As long as you're taking care of yourself, respecting yourself, and having a good time, you're good. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) Yeah this guy is seeing a big red target, you met at a nightclub (c'mon now, what do you think he's going to think?) of course he's going to drive it home and try to get you into bed. He seemed to only pace himself because you resisted, and you said you wouldn't kiss him but you did, which is now looking like a playful little game...so If he knows what he's doing he's going to get you into bed one way or another anyway from my point of view..he doesn't sound completely clueless from your explanation of his demeanor, he at least realized to turn off the gas a bit. As far as the conversation, that's going to go completely out the window, he didn't listen or take a damn thing serious that you said...all he's thinking about now is getting that end results. When women say they aren't looking for a relationship right now but just not sex...I mean really? what do you think most women say to men? "hey...screw me like a whore?" well to be fair some do but most do not, most try to play a little more cordial and in control, but If this guys got a handle on things he can see right through it anyway. Your move now should be to go on a date and slow things down for tiger, have some real genuine conversation, see if there is any substance there or if it was just all playful banter in the heat of the moment (btw, shouldn't you have spent more time with your bro that night?...bah anyway) you're going to have to slow it down to see If he's actually a decent guy...If you're willing of course. However If he plays his cards right I'm sure he's going to be successful and nothing much will come out of this afterwards, I mean after all, It's not like you're being very clear and like he's not going to be "yes man" until he gets you in bed, I mean why screw yourself over by saying the wrong thing? that's what i think he's thinking because he's still caught up in the frills and thrills of the experience and likely not much else. He's just going to play along, that's assuming he calls you of course..which I'd say is meh, depends on how in the moment and buzzed he was. I don't know many guys in my lifetime who to clubs for substance...It would be like going to a strip club for therapy, other than boob therapy. Edited April 14, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 3
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 I'm having trouble keeping track, since you're moving faster than I can follow. What happened to the French guy? French guy left for a modeling assignment in Europe for 3 months. I wasn't that into him, he was dumb and boring.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 TBF, tell me please what you are thinking. I am pretty confused at the moment and would be grateful for your input. I can even handle criticism.
Star Gazer Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 TBF, tell me please what you are thinking. I am pretty confused at the moment and would be grateful for your input. I can even handle criticism. Everyone on this thread is telling you pretty much the same thing. If you're only interested in TBF's advice, perhaps you should PM her.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Kamille, Yes, I stayed when he told me to simplify because this was something ex bf was telling me all the time. That I am too complicated and difficult. So I thought this new guy had a point. Now that I think about it, it was most likely just a coincidence. He wasn't really "reading" and "understanding" me, it was just the quickest possible way to get into my pants.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Everyone on this thread is telling you pretty much the same thing. If you're only interested in TBF's advice, perhaps you should PM her. SG, I am listening to everyone's advice. If you told me that you know what's going on but didn't elaborate, I would ask you the same thing.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Okay, will post ES. He's a symptom of what's going on inside of you. After what happened with the ex, you're looking for validation from a hot guy and even better, an upgraded b/f who can be visually verified by the ex, as better than him. If the above is somewhat accurate, this guy might be your answer in some ways, as long as you maintain detachment and you're both aware that this is casual. Unfortunately, your emotions aren't controllable so I wonder if you're really capable of detaching to the extent of casual sex. If he hits and runs, will this hook you emotionally in some way? I don't know.
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