Miserable night

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I went out with a friend to your typical meat market bar. Tried my best to just enjoy myself and not think about being single. It's hard Found myself looking all over for her, expecting her to be there or whatever. Every blonde with a pony tail was her, every short skirt was the one I gave her, every lacy top was the one she picked out while we were shopping.

 

Ended up drinking way too much and turned into "that guy". Loser drunk desperate dude that is going home alone. And all the while, even while chatting up other women all I could think about was her...what is she doing, who is she with, has he kissed her yet, does she miss me, have they gone home together... It's no wonder women avoid me, I bet they can smell my hurt a mile away.

 

God I hate being single. It's such a different way of life. I really need to figure out how just BE. Stop worrying that my life is slipping by and that I am going to die alone.

 

Funny how just one night can bring on so much emotion.

[HollyBolly]

I went out with a friend to your typical meat market bar. Tried my best to just enjoy myself and not think about being single. It's hard Found myself looking all over for her, expecting her to be there or whatever. Every blonde with a pony tail was her, every short skirt was the one I gave her, every lacy top was the one she picked out while we were shopping.

 

Do you think you would've felt better or worse had you seen her? And with another guy possibly? Consider yourself lucky you didn't. I see my ex ALL the time and it feels awful! You're going to think about her for awhile yet. This is normal. Where do you live that it's warm enough to wear a lacy top already?

 

Ended up drinking way too much and turned into "that guy". Loser drunk desperate dude that is going home alone. And all the while, even while chatting up other women all I could think about was her...what is she doing, who is she with, has he kissed her yet, does she miss me, have they gone home together... It's no wonder women avoid me, I bet they can smell my hurt a mile away.

 

Women can smell desperation a mile away. I'm a woman, I know. Next time you go out with your friends, just try to have fun with them. Don't try to pick up anyone. You're not ready yet and empty, meaningless sex will just make you feel worse.

 

God I hate being single. It's such a different way of life. I really need to figure out how just BE. Stop worrying that my life is slipping by and that I am going to die alone.

 

Funny how just one night can bring on so much emotion.

 

All it takes is a few seconds. You'll see what I mean when you spot your ex. It feels really rotten and brings out all sorts of f**ked up emotions. I only have to see her car and I go insane! She doesn't have to be in it. However, I AM beginning to enjoy being single. I can talk to whomever I want. I can go to wherever I want. I can spend time with whomever I want. I am going to stay single for awhile.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Do you think you would've felt better or worse had you seen her? And with another guy possibly? Consider yourself lucky you didn't. I see my ex ALL the time and it feels awful! You're going to think about her for awhile yet. This is normal. Where do you live that it's warm enough to wear a lacy top already?

 

Yea I know exaclty what you mean, the absolute LAST thing I could handle is seeing her out like that. It would demolish me. So it's a double edged sword, I ache to see her but I know that if I did it would be a very bad feeling.

 

Women can smell desperation a mile away. I'm a woman, I know. Next time you go out with your friends, just try to have fun with them. Don't try to pick up anyone. You're not ready yet and empty, meaningless sex will just make you feel worse.

 

You are right, and I appreciate a womans perspective on my shambles I know what you say is true, in my head. But when I get out and about the environment tends to sweep me away and before I know it....I turn into "that guy". I hate myself for it and am aware that it's a losing bet but there I go. Meh.

 

All it takes is a few seconds. You'll see what I mean when you spot your ex. It feels really rotten and brings out all sorts of f**ked up emotions. I only have to see her car and I go insane! She doesn't have to be in it. However, I AM beginning to enjoy being single. I can talk to whomever I want. I can go to wherever I want. I can spend time with whomever I want. I am going to stay single for awhile.

 

I can only imagine...believe me I am dreading that day. And it is bound to happen, we live really close to each other and there are not many places to go. So even tho I am avoiding it at every turn it is always in the back of my mind that it can happen. Only hope I don't turn into a blubbering pile of goo when it does.

 

Wish me luck!

[HollyBolly]

Yea I know exaclty what you mean, the absolute LAST thing I could handle is seeing her out like that. It would demolish me. So it's a double edged sword, I ache to see her but I know that if I did it would be a very bad feeling.

 

I just looked out the window and saw her getting out of her car, coming home from shopping. And she was with someone. Thank Christ it was only her daughter. It is not an easy feeling. It sucks! Part of me wants to shoot a bazooka over there and part of me wants to run over there, and jump into her arms. I opted to do the dishes instead.

 

 

You are right, and I appreciate a womans perspective on my shambles I know what you say is true, in my head. But when I get out and about the environment tends to sweep me away and before I know it....I turn into "that guy". I hate myself for it and am aware that it's a losing bet but there I go. Meh.

 

What is 'that guy', exactly? You mean to say as long as you're out at a bar or down the pub, you need to pick up women? Why is that? Do you do this if you're sober? If not, then try not to drink, I guess. Personally, I can't but maybe you can.

 

I can only imagine...believe me I am dreading that day. And it is bound to happen, we live really close to each other and there are not many places to go. So even tho I am avoiding it at every turn it is always in the back of my mind that it can happen. Only hope I don't turn into a blubbering pile of goo when it does.

 

Wish me luck!

 

When it does, breathe. Take deep breadths from your belly. It's okay to turn into a blubbering pile of goo...on the inside! Don't let her see it.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I just looked out the window and saw her getting out of her car, coming home from shopping. And she was with someone. Thank Christ it was only her daughter. It is not an easy feeling. It sucks! Part of me wants to shoot a bazooka over there and part of me wants to run over there, and jump into her arms. I opted to do the dishes instead.

 

Man, I can't imagine that. It must be misery being so close and I really feel for you.

 

 

What is 'that guy', exactly? You mean to say as long as you're out at a bar or down the pub, you need to pick up women? Why is that? Do you do this if you're sober? If not, then try not to drink, I guess. Personally, I can't but maybe you can.

 

Well, "that guy" means a lot of things. I have seen "that guy" before; it's the guy that is trying too hard, the guy that has had way too much to drink and is making a fool of himself, the guy that people see and shake their heads and thank the stars they are in a better position.

 

Maybe I am too hard on myself, but that is what I consider to be that guy. And while I was with my ex I admit that I took some pride in NOT being that guy. That's kind of pathetic now that I spell it out, as if I used her for validation. I honestly didn't intend that and instead I try to look at it as being grateful and thankful that she choose me. Just my insecurity talking I guess.

 

And I am in the camp of not knowing when to stop drinking. I hate being in a bar sober, drunk people annoy me So I end up joining in the madness so I don't notice it as much. Jeebus.

 

When it does, breathe. Take deep breadths from your belly. It's okay to turn into a blubbering pile of goo...on the inside! Don't let her see it.

 

Thanks. I would not want her to see it. But on the other hand there is the part of me that knows that she thinks I never loved her, and if she sees me being hard and cold it would just affirm that. So I am perfectly capable of throwing myself under the bus just to prove that I really did (or do) love her.

 

Wow look at me, we are not even together and I am still more concerned with how she feels than how *I* feel! Maybe I need to be more selfish or something.

[fucpcg]

I got nothing to say about where you are at mentally, other than I'm right there with ya. At least I am a year desensitized now, but it still sucks. Last summer, I drank more than probably I have in the entire prior decade. I am not a drinker, I didn't like who I became, and I certainly wasn't meeting any worthwhile women in all that time I spent going out all summer. I vowed Sept 1st I was going to end the ridiculousness, and I did. I've been out MAYBE 10 times in the last 8 months, and most were me being home at the time everyone else is getting warmed up. Alcohol is definitely the enemy when dealing with a breakup. Additionally... the only time I run into the ex is out, cause she is always out. I would love to see her, if she would talk to me, but she won't, so I DON'T want to see her. I've always been athlete, but since summer really geared it up. Three volleyball leagues, bowling league, now looking for dart league, and this summer already I have lined up two volleyball leagues, and two softball leagues and counting. I found an outdoor club in my area, and I will join that. Don't know if your USA, but if you are there's meetup.com, where I have found other people into things from scrabble to other board games, who have game nights every Wednesday. I'm looking everywhere outside the bar. With my 42nd birthday coming next week, I have no desire to ever be "that guy" again.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I got nothing to say about where you are at mentally, other than I'm right there with ya. At least I am a year desensitized now, but it still sucks. Last summer, I drank more than probably I have in the entire prior decade. I am not a drinker, I didn't like who I became, and I certainly wasn't meeting any worthwhile women in all that time I spent going out all summer. I vowed Sept 1st I was going to end the ridiculousness, and I did. I've been out MAYBE 10 times in the last 8 months, and most were me being home at the time everyone else is getting warmed up. Alcohol is definitely the enemy when dealing with a breakup. Additionally... the only time I run into the ex is out, cause she is always out. I would love to see her, if she would talk to me, but she won't, so I DON'T want to see her. I've always been athlete, but since summer really geared it up. Three volleyball leagues, bowling league, now looking for dart league, and this summer already I have lined up two volleyball leagues, and two softball leagues and counting. I found an outdoor club in my area, and I will join that. Don't know if your USA, but if you are there's meetup.com, where I have found other people into things from scrabble to other board games, who have game nights every Wednesday. I'm looking everywhere outside the bar. With my 42nd birthday coming next week, I have no desire to ever be "that guy" again.

 

Hey I have seen your story, seeing your ex pour that young guy into her car must have sucked beyond belief! Yea looks like we are in similar situations and it's just going to take time.

 

Hopefully we don't do too much damage in the meantime

 

Stay strong!!!

[HollyBolly]

Man, I can't imagine that. It must be misery being so close and I really feel for you.

 

Yup! It doesn't feel very good. She can never see me but I can always see her. She can never see if I am home but I can always see if she is. Bliss! And thank you.

 

Well, "that guy" means a lot of things. I have seen "that guy" before; it's the guy that is trying too hard, the guy that has had way too much to drink and is making a fool of himself, the guy that people see and shake their heads and thank the stars they are in a better position.

 

I don't have one single solution for you on this one. Sorry.

 

Maybe I am too hard on myself, but that is what I consider to be that guy. And while I was with my ex I admit that I took some pride in NOT being that guy. That's kind of pathetic now that I spell it out, as if I used her for validation. I honestly didn't intend that and instead I try to look at it as being grateful and thankful that she choose me. Just my insecurity talking I guess.

 

You weren't that guy when you were with her because you didn't need to be. You weren't 'desperate'. She didn't choose you. You chose each other.

 

And I am in the camp of not knowing when to stop drinking. I hate being in a bar sober, drunk people annoy me So I end up joining in the madness so I don't notice it as much. Jeebus.

 

In that case, if you and I ever meet, you must drink lots.

 

Thanks. I would not want her to see it. But on the other hand there is the part of me that knows that she thinks I never loved her, and if she sees me being hard and cold it would just affirm that. So I am perfectly capable of throwing myself under the bus just to prove that I really did (or do) love her.

 

Wow look at me, we are not even together and I am still more concerned with how she feels than how *I* feel! Maybe I need to be more selfish or something.

 

Not selfish. Self aware and love thyself. You cannot think about what she thinks. That s**t will eat at you. YOU know you loved her. That is enough. What she thinks is irrelevant. And you don't have to be hard and cold. Just nod your head and smile. She may not smile back or acknowledge you but that's okay. That's her problem. If she does smile back, move on. Don't stop and chat. If she instigate a convo, tell her you're in a hurry and walk the f**k off. You may not want to hear what she has to say.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Don't know if your USA, but if you are there's meetup.com, where I have found other people into things from scrabble to other board games, who have game nights every Wednesday. I'm looking everywhere outside the bar. .

 

I have heard meetup.com suggested, I need to look into it. You are definitely on a healthy path looking outside the bar. It seems easier for someone like to crawl into a bottle and make things worse even when I know that is exactly what I should *not* be doing.

[fificremefarben]

I felt the same about going in the immediate aftermath of my breakup (8 months ago now). I would go to bars and clubs and just feel horrible. I felt like my sadness was just pouring out of my actual face and that everyone could tell how miserable I was. Also, I felt that, to counter that initial sense of loss, like I was always looking at guys for the "next one", without even wanting to because I was in no way ready to meet anyone else. My friends would tell me that they could physically see my eyes darting from guy to guy in a sort "is it you? Will you be the next one?" kind of way. I guess because I was single again for the first time in 4 years it felt like going to clubs and bars was like going out to some kind of market where I had to put myself out there again. Plus, i was worried I would run into him as well, which didn't help.

 

Ultimately, I felt like going to bars and clubs had the opposite effect on my recovery, so I stopped going to them for a few months. I did other things instead (movies, dinners with friends, even a city tour haha) I'm not saying at all that this is what you should do but I'm just saying it helped my recovery to remove myself from that environment for a while.

 

Chin up

[dsw31]

Hey SBG,

 

You are definitely not alone.I had a miserable night last night too.I got drunk & had a rebound date.All I could think about was my ex & what he's up to & couldn't help but think "how can he possibly enjoy hanging out with anyone but me" Since I obviously can't enjoy anyone other than him.I guess I am totally in denial.I do know that the alchohol didn't help. I am not ready to date bu,t weekends are the absolute worse for me.I just wanted to get him out of my mind but, nothing helps.I think of him in whatever I do,look at,listen to,smell.It's sickening!

 

I am so sorry if I am misunderstanding your situation.I looked at some of your older posts & I thought you actually broke up with her because both of you were jealous & insecure & it had turned unhealthy?Is that right-did you end it? I would like to ask you-Do you regret the breakup?Or are you just missing her?I ask because me & my ex turned into that(jealous & insecure)& he decided he had enough & wanted this breakup.Now I can't shake this feeling that,he HAS to regret it! He CAN'T be enjoying all this freetime to be with other people.Am I crazy or what?I'm just curious to hear your side of it since, I am assuming you ended it & are now so sad about it all.I guess I'm hoping to hear that my ex feels like he made a mistake or he is sad.I'm so pathetic! I'm wanting some kind of comfort in thinking he wants me from someone else.Wow! I'm "that girl" Lol.

[fucpcg]

I have heard meetup.com suggested, I need to look into it. You are definitely on a healthy path looking outside the bar. It seems easier for someone like to crawl into a bottle and make things worse even when I know that is exactly what I should *not* be doing.

 

I had my fair share of party days, but they were in my 20's, and it never was the one aspect of my life. In fact, always a minimal aspect. I have used alcohol for fun, but never for depression or dealing with anything negative. We have one life to live, I don't want to reflect on my death bed about how I lived it in a bar, and/or drunk.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I am so sorry if I am misunderstanding your situation.I looked at some of your older posts & I thought you actually broke up with her because both of you were jealous & insecure & it had turned unhealthy?Is that right-did you end it? I would like to ask you-Do you regret the breakup?Or are you just missing her?

 

We had a pretty toxic relationship and broke up/got back together 3 times in less than a year, each time due to unresolved issues and galactic insecurities and trust issues on her part. She is really not a bad person but I have learned that she is so wounded from her past that she sees life though scared, suspicious and mistrustful eyes. It took such a toll on us and she was unwilling to address it. Not that I am claiming innocence because I am no walk in the park either, but I truly feel that I did my best and owned up to my shortcomings and made amends where I could.

 

I never got that from her, it was usually the victim stance and excuses.

 

I still care about her, miss her and wish her well but I know that we are just incompatible. Part of the blame is on me, I should have realized it earlier which is why I think it has been so tough for us.