thatone Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Yeah read her other thread. It's her, a 37 yr old boyfriend, and the girl he left her for; but then came back to her because he needs a place to live and proposed to her out of desperation (again for a place to live) after she tried to kick him out. and my point is proven further by that. i hadn't read the situation but i'm not surprised. a) my fantasy isn't working b) hey the church has a new fantasy to sell c) i'll try their fantasy and see if it waves its magic wand over my fantasy and fixes it for me all the while refusing to deal with the fact that she has so little going for her that she wound up living with a guy who can't even provide for himself and his ex. and despite being at the swirling bottom of her own downward spiral the only thing that came to mind on how to deal with the mess she's in is 'sex or no sex'. /palmface 1
KathyM Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 you're proving my point, by missing my point entirely. all you heard in that entire post was 'sex'. you simply cannot grasp that sex is not the be all and end all. why is it so hard to grasp that men do not, cannot, and will not be affected by sex the same way you are? the point is people who deal in fantasy in lieu of reality have a much higher likelihood of winding up in unhappy marriages and relationships. doubling down on fantasy by adding religion to the mix will NOT help. it will very probably make it worse. I didn't say that sex was the be all and end all. I'm saying the relationship is the be all/end all, and sex is merely one aspect that is fulfilling if people have the willingness and desire to please their partner. I'm saying that the quality of one's sex life after marriage is based on the willingness and desire to please, not whether or not the person engaged in sex before marriage.
thatone Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I didn't say that sex was the be all and end all. I'm saying the relationship is the be all/end all, and sex is merely one aspect that is fulfilling if people have the willingness and desire to please their partner. I'm saying that the quality of one's sex life after marriage is based on the willingness and desire to please, not whether or not the person engaged in sex before marriage. none of that applies to this situation. the OP's situation is that she is in a very f*cked up (no pun intended) situation with in all likelihood abusive, and at the very least manipulative, people (not just person). her situation has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with her needing a new crutch to help her ignore her own issues, and she's trying to zero in on religious fear of sex as that crutch.
RedRobin Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 OP, After reading the thread posted by Carhill above, I have to agree with him that your chances with this person are not good. There is a difference between wanting a spiritual connection and giving a relationship time to grow in love before sex... and using those things as 'barter'... or as a means to an end. Although, I realize some people associate this desire for the joining of love, intimacy and physical closeness with religious principles... I don't think this is about religion at all. If you have to beg, plead, cajole or otherwise twist the screw (even if it is to your own self) then there seems to be an absence of real love here.
phineas Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Well you specifically definitely shouldn't be living with your loser of a "boyfriend"...and in general I'm no longer a fan of living together before marriage or engagement with date set. So, that's one way of making life "different" after marriage. Yeah read her other thread. It's her, a 37 yr old boyfriend, and the girl he left her for; but then came back to her because he needs a place to live and proposed to her out of desperation (again for a place to live) after she tried to kick him out.
RedRobin Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 This post wins the prize for clarity and brevity 1
FitChick Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Erectile disfunction is not uncommon, though total impotency is more rare. However, you have to keep in mind that a man who is impotent would be FAR more likely to go along with your "no sex until marriage" plan than a sexually healthy man. In other words, you are greatly increasing your odds of meeting an impotent man. Or someone who is gay and still in the closet. I recently read a man's profile where he listed "valued qualities," one of which was celibacy. No idea if he meant him or a woman. Because he is over 50, I am wondering if he has problems in the bedroom.
Professor X Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 OP - with respect, I think you have some things to work on before you are able to be in a healthy relationship with any man at all. Withholding sex until marriage is not going to resolve any of them. If you don't want to have sex until you're married because that is what you believe is right for YOU, go ahead. But if you are just trying another way to capture and control a man, it's going to fail. Your brain gets me all horny.
stillafool Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Thats the difficult part because you are not going to get to deeply care about a woman unless you've been seeing each other for a while and would have already had to have had the conversation......do you get me? How its chicken and egg? It depends on his desire for her. There are men who will wait for a woman they really want, while, unfortunately using others for their sexual needs. I know it's sick but it does happen.
Author Jody005 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 It depends on his desire for her. There are men who will wait for a woman they really want, while, unfortunately using others for their sexual needs. I know it's sick but it does happen. Im starting to think now that I might change the new rules and just make a man wait for a while to work on other parts of the relationship rather than having lust and passion take over everything because i don't want to eliminate the chance of possible great relationships because of a non starter. Maybe if I'm engaged I can hold off sex from then until the wedding. One question...why do many women do this.....stop having sexx with their man till the wedding? I think this speaks volumes on what I was saying before about the benefits of waiting?
fallenenvy Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Personally i think people value sex as too much of an emotional thing.. but then again i'd probably be viewed as a slut considering i REALLY like sex. It feels good. It releases stress for me and i enjoy pleasing the person i'm with. Yes i am perfectly capable of commitment and i don't go sleeping about... and i have never cheated on my partner.. nor will i. (just to clarify) I can also separate sex and "love" (feelings).... sex for me just doesn't equate to love or emotional attachment... although i can see for most it seems to.. guess im just wired differently.. That being said... i won't wait for sex... if a guy doesn't enjoy it or want to do it until theres a ring on our fingers... well... we clearly arn't compatible. I had a guy i was with for awhile suddenly decide he wanted me to marry him before he would have sex with me again.. and it was just his way of trying to drag me into a marriage i didn't want and control me even further(granted he was a really messed up abusive person who i later left) I agree with the people earlier on that said marriage is a piece of paper with tax benefits... I don't feel being married changes anything.. cept making it harder and more expensive if you choose to go your separate ways one day. One more thing i'd like to touch on.. the whole not living together until you are married... i would never go by that. I have discovered you REALLY get to know someone 100% when you live together.. and sometimes there are just serious incompatibilities. I would never want that piece of paper until i KNEW we could live together and not want to kill each other..... So yes.. maybe i'm mean but i'd tell a guy to take a hike right away if he gave me a sex timeline. just my 2cents 1
SJC2008 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 The second to last girl I dated waited until she got married and her h cheated on her and married the ow.
Author Jody005 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 The second to last girl I dated waited until she got married and her h cheated on her and married the ow. Thats horrible. Do you think them waiting till marriage for sex had something to do with it or do you just think that sadly its quite normal that people cheat? I don't see the connection? My friends boyfriend has cheated on her before they got back together they've never been married so....
zengirl Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 The title of this thread made me laugh because it reminded me of The Terminator. "Marry me if you want to live" (pretend the rest isn't there). Ha! Anyway, catching a man with sex is silly. You can't get a man to marry you by withholding sex or protect yourself that way. If it's truly a personal value to wait until marriage, there are men who also hold that personal value. There are even men and women who've found a religion later in life, who had sex prior, and will wait till marriage, based on their new religion. Generally, this is a religious concept. I've not met anyone who truly wanted to wait until marriage that was not religious or driven to that idea by their religion and they are generally very strict practitioners of one of the religions that have this value, as it's an uncommon value in the U.S., even among religious people --- as such, any such men I met with this value were blatantly incompatible with me, but I do think they exist. However, they'd be incompatible with anyone who didn't share their greater religious values. They're not waiting to wait, but because they believe whatever god they have desires them to.
oaks Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 How would you handle it? I would tell her that I've had relationships with good sexual compatibility and relationships with bad sexual compatibility and relationships with almost no sex at all and that I'm not really interested in doing either of the last two again.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Im starting to think now that I might change the new rules and just make a man wait for a while to work on other parts of the relationship rather than having lust and passion take over everything because i don't want to eliminate the chance of possible great relationships because of a non starter. Maybe if I'm engaged I can hold off sex from then until the wedding. One question...why do many women do this.....stop having sexx with their man till the wedding? I think this speaks volumes on what I was saying before about the benefits of waiting? I'm starting to really doubt that you are for real. You HAVE a boyfriend, if your multiple other threads are true. FYI, "many women" DON'T hold off on sex from the time they get engaged until the marriage. I've never heard of a single one. I'm sure you haven't either unless it was on TV or in a ridiculous movie. Yes, sometimes people sleep separately on the night before their wedding. I think it's to give more of a special and traditional feel to the big "wedding night."
irc333 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 With so many people in society treating sex as casually as it is, it's quite refreshing and nice to meet someone with this viewpoint actually. In fact, I'd probably even be compatible with this woman. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 With so many people in society treating sex as casually as it is, it's quite refreshing and nice to meet someone with this viewpoint actually. In fact, I'd probably even be compatible with this woman. Really? Even though she is living with a man right now, but he has another girlfriend and is only with the OP because she provides for all of his needs? And also has purged his cell phone to try to keep him from contacting the other woman? Refreshing and nice?
thatone Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 in fairness, i'll bet she paid for the cell phone!
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