Feelsgoodman Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Yes if I got married and went to bed to find out my husband was impotent or lazy or just didn't do it for me id be gutted that would be a real "kick in the balls!" I understand about the whole test drive thing and then you choose to buy the car or not but impotent isn't normal is it? Wouldn't that be incredibly unlucky? Lazy is unacceptable and would have to be shagged out of him and the sexual compatibility surely that comes from being madly in love with someone?? I know you can have mad chemistry with a stranger but what about being in love Erectile disfunction is not uncommon, though total impotency is more rare. However, you have to keep in mind that a man who is impotent would be FAR more likely to go along with your "no sex until marriage" plan than a sexually healthy man. In other words, you are greatly increasing your odds of meeting an impotent man.
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Wow... you *are* misguided. There's all sorts of erectile dysfunction. Not all of them are definite. Some guys have performance anxiety, or are on meds that have as a side effect a reduced erection, etc, etc, etc. I have encountered a few guys in my sexual past that had some kind of trouble getting it up. On some occasions it prevented sex completely and was very frustrating. Sexually compatibility has NOTHING to do with being madly in love. You either are or you aren't compatible. Being in love might make you compromise on some things, if you aren't, but at some point they will become issues in your relationship. Being lazy would be an example of sexual incompatibility. I don't even think you've thought about this decision of yours at lenght. You think that it will somehow make your marriage something special... when that is just not how it works. Your marriage will be special because you got married to someone you love. Not because you start having sex again. Like thatone said, marriage is a signed piece of paper with some tax benefits. I hope im not being misguided i know sexual problems for men are quite common but what I meant by impotence being not normal is that I just wouldn't go into a marriage thinking this....like a man probably wouldn't go into a marriage thinking his fiance may be barren and never able to give him a child its common but its just not normal to think of going into a marriage...how would a man text his womans womb?? He wouldn't because it just wouldn't occur to him to think that
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Watch a cute old movie called "Under the Yum Yum Tree":) It pertains to this topic:) I've read the sypnosis but doesn't seem like a movie on topic! I was gonna go get it cause to help out with the issue!
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 I hope im not being misguided i know sexual problems for men are quite common but what I meant by impotence being not normal is that I just wouldn't go into a marriage thinking this....like a man probably wouldn't go into a marriage thinking his fiance may be barren and never able to give him a child its common but its just not normal to think of going into a marriage...how would a man text his womans womb?? He wouldn't because it just wouldn't occur to him to think that Sorry I meant how would a man TEST his womans womb before a marriage
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Erectile disfunction is not uncommon, though total impotency is more rare. However, you have to keep in mind that a man who is impotent would be FAR more likely to go along with your "no sex until marriage" plan than a sexually healthy man. In other words, you are greatly increasing your odds of meeting an impotent man. Oh my God no this is exactly what I DONT WANT I want to nab the best. I don't want to be attracting men with sexual issues I want a man to be that attracted to me that he will do ANYTHING to get a relationship with me including waiting for the sex.
carhill Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 my problem is, how the hell am I going to be able to tell guys this cause surely for the vast majority of guys who are not falling for a woman it would just be a complete non starter!Don't tell, ask.... "How do you feel about marriage?" Reasonable question. A compatible man will accept it as such. Let the conversation begin. If it's a 'non-starter', then that.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 But you've been with YOUR boyfriend for SEVEN YEARS, right? And he's proposed? So are you going to never have sex with THIS guy again until he ties the knot?
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 But you've been with YOUR boyfriend for SEVEN YEARS, right? And he's proposed? So are you going to never have sex with THIS guy again until he ties the knot? I let you know what i think of the marriage proposal i've been in denial subconciously im preparing for her to get in the way and ruin things im trying to hold onto him anyway i can and if i do end up alone im doing things differently. To propose marriage to a woman is a big thing!
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Don't tell, ask.... "How do you feel about marriage?" Reasonable question. A compatible man will accept it as such. Let the conversation begin. If it's a 'non-starter', then that. Thank you this is what im going to do be very casual about it, if I go in all guns blazing manically mentioning it it will make it worse.. Im definitely doing things differently
g450 Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) I would never be with a woman that uses sex as a bargaining tool. Yep, My XW did this to me for years. I hated it. Never again will I let a woman use and manipulate me like that. Marriage didnt start out that way though. Most never do start out that way in the honeymoon stage. So what if there IS NO honeymoon stage? Most of us guys dont like flying blind. Its like the old saying, How do you know you want to buy the cow if hadnt tasted the milk? And could you imagine not having sex until after marriage only to find out that your new wife had a special operation in Switzerland to slice and dice what used to be her penis? I can see if she was a real virgin and both parties were highly religious but this does not apply to todays world sadly. I can understand where the OP is coming from though. I really can. It's something I respect and cherish in a woman. But reality dictates that I have to know exactly what Im getting into (pun intened) before making a life altering decision like marriage. OP will most likely be limited to religious types and thats OK if that is what she wants but she needs to understand that even those types cheat, lie and use people for sex. Plenty of proof of that right here in this forum. And as others have stated, she will have the possibility of attracting men that have issues with sex. That in itself could destroy the very thing she is trying to create in the first place. All I can say is, good luck with that. Edited April 15, 2012 by g450
The dot Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Seriously, how would you feel if you started to like a girl you were seeing and during an intimate conversation she told you that although she wasn't a virgin she now doesnt want to have sex until after her wedding day and gave you her reasons for that choice. If you really liked her would you start to think about marrying her or would you walk away from her....How would you handle it? Not reading the whole thread. All I'll say is this. For me, sex is about the passion of the moment, and the passion for the person you're with. If someone wants me to wait for some event to happen before they'll have sex with me, chances are, they're not feeling it for me. That's perfectly fine, and their decision entirely, but they aren't someone I want to spend my life with.
Author Jody005 Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Not reading the whole thread. All I'll say is this. For me, sex is about the passion of the moment, and the passion for the person you're with. If someone wants me to wait for some event to happen before they'll have sex with me, chances are, they're not feeling it for me. That's perfectly fine, and their decision entirely, but they aren't someone I want to spend my life with. But that doesn't make sense cause if they didnt feel anything for you why the hell would they want to marry you?
phineas Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Lol!!! But if i was really attracted to you I wouldn't let you go i might think to myself...."oh i'm not telling him" and carry on as normal as if I was sexualy active and thats wrong.....just to keep you as an option id rather make you happy! You would fail there also. Sex = exclusive to me. I also don't answer to a woman who isn't sleeping with me or willing to say she is with me officially. Until such things happen I explore all options & the option that wants to sleep with me first wins. And some women on this site will jump down my throat for saying sex = exclusive however you have given a great example of how a woman will waste a guys time or lead him on.
phineas Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I let you know what i think of the marriage proposal i've been in denial subconciously im preparing for her to get in the way and ruin things im trying to hold onto him anyway i can and if i do end up alone im doing things differently. To propose marriage to a woman is a big thing! errrr...just how many people are involved in this? I count 3 so far.
carhill Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 But that doesn't make sense cause if they didnt feel anything for you why the hell would they want to marry you? Historically, social status and financial security have been powerful motivators for marital couplings. That trend has abated over time, with more 'feelings' involved, but still has play. The good news is a properly crafted and maintained contract can help neutralize any potential money/social grabs so feelings and commitment become more prominent and trusted 'reasons' for the marriage. Of course, any such commitment is a risk to both parties. Each of us has a unique tolerance for risk. You've seen some outlined in this thread. It comes back to compatibility. If there's synergy of perspective, there is; if not, not.
RedRobin Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I'm not a fan of waiting until marriage before sex, but I understand the sentiment.... and I also understand not wanting to open up to someone sexually until there is a commitment. What I'm also reading here is that there needs to be a sense of shared risk. It seems some guys don't want to take the risk of investing in a woman without sex being on the table in advance. Alot of women want some kind of investment first. There has to be some middle ground. I also believe in the saying "Virtue untested is not virtue". This is why I assess a man by his desire to take REASONABLE precautions with his sexuality too... and I observe that he isn't trying to stick his stuff in any willing/hot woman who crosses his path.
KathyM Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Having sex before marriage is no guarantee of what your sex life is going to be after marriage. Sex is a learned skill--anyone can learn it. The quality of your sex life has more to do with creativity and the desire to please your spouse. The chances of you finding out after marriage that your spouse is actually impotent or frigid is pretty nil. A better indication that your spouse will have problems with impotency is if he has a drinking problem when you are dating, or is a heavy smoker, or is obese, and hopefully you wouldn't go ahead and marry a guy with those problems anyway.
thatone Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I'm not a fan of waiting until marriage before sex, but I understand the sentiment.... and I also understand not wanting to open up to someone sexually until there is a commitment. What I'm also reading here is that there needs to be a sense of shared risk. It seems some guys don't want to take the risk of investing in a woman without sex being on the table in advance. Alot of women want some kind of investment first. There has to be some middle ground. I also believe in the saying "Virtue untested is not virtue". This is why I assess a man by his desire to take REASONABLE precautions with his sexuality too... and I observe that he isn't trying to stick his stuff in any willing/hot woman who crosses his path. there is, and if there isn't a middle ground you just go your separate ways. admittedly i have never seen an irreconcilable difference pertaining to sex while dating as a man. it's either never going to happen because i've been strung along, or it'll happen in a reasonable time frame and everything is fine in the bedroom. the more i read these threads about this particular subject the more i think that this attachment of sex to marriage is just extrapolation of damaged/delusional people. sex is everywhere sex is bad sex is mysterious/confusing due to being everywhere, but bad sex is the magic bullet! when you have religious people with a propensity to believe in magic bullets to start with, but don't have any magic bullets of their own, i think they are looking to turn sex into a magic bullet to satisfy their magic bullet fetish. look at jody's honest question along the lines of "but if i don't leave anything to chance how will my marriage turn into happy magic funland?" all of this just further reinforces my opinion that religion is the worst plague mankind has ever seen. 1
HokeyReligions Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 She sounds smart to me. From your post I would assume she also likes you and is opening a dialogue to discuss each of your priorities going forward so you can each make a confident and informed decision about continuing the relationship or ending it before either of you are too deeply hurt. Now is not the time for a knee-jerk reaction, but time for some serious growing-up and thinking about what you want and what you realistically think you are ready for. It's not unusual for someone to lose their virginity and then re-think their own priorities in life and make a decision to remain celebate until "the right one" comes along. I did that too. I was young and curious and cared about someone and after some time together I realized what we had was lust, not love, and that our priorities were simply not in line. It was many years, and many dates and several relationships later, before I met the man I married -- nearly 26 years ago. Some of those old relationships did bolt and, while I was disappointed, I was also glad because it meant the right man for me was still in my future and I did not make a mistake by compromising my priorities or beliefs out of fear of heart-break or lonliness. 1
KathyM Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 there is, and if there isn't a middle ground you just go your separate ways. admittedly i have never seen an irreconcilable difference pertaining to sex while dating as a man. it's either never going to happen because i've been strung along, or it'll happen in a reasonable time frame and everything is fine in the bedroom. the more i read these threads about this particular subject the more i think that this attachment of sex to marriage is just extrapolation of damaged/delusional people. sex is everywhere sex is bad sex is mysterious/confusing due to being everywhere, but bad sex is the magic bullet! when you have religious people with a propensity to believe in magic bullets to start with, but don't have any magic bullets of their own, i think they are looking to turn sex into a magic bullet to satisfy their magic bullet fetish. look at jody's honest question along the lines of "but if i don't leave anything to chance how will my marriage turn into happy magic funland?" all of this just further reinforces my opinion that religion is the worst plague mankind has ever seen. Oh honestly, don't be a drama queen. Believe it or not, people who choose to wait until marriage go on to have loving relationships and satisfying sex lives all the time. Just because someone crossed that line before marriage is no indication of what their sex life will be after marriage. The quality of your sex life after marriage has more to do with their desire to please their spouse than anything else. 1
gaius Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Not necessarily its about self control and who knows if she is playin with herself sometimes to stop her from bein frustrated. Men go to prison for years and have no choice if they're not a bit gay to abstain till they get out. Doesn't mean you have a low libido There's a big difference between being locked in a cell with no women and having the supposed object of your affection sitting on the couch next to you everyday. I know a religious couple that skirted the rules, they did pretty much everything except vaginal intercourse before they got married. I guess maybe if she did that and was perfect for me, but I still can't see it. Never know though!
thatone Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Oh honestly, don't be a drama queen. Believe it or not, people who choose to wait until marriage go on to have loving relationships and satisfying sex lives all the time. Just because someone crossed that line before marriage is no indication of what their sex life will be after marriage. The quality of your sex life after marriage has more to do with their desire to please their spouse than anything else. you're proving my point, by missing my point entirely. all you heard in that entire post was 'sex'. you simply cannot grasp that sex is not the be all and end all. why is it so hard to grasp that men do not, cannot, and will not be affected by sex the same way you are? the point is people who deal in fantasy in lieu of reality have a much higher likelihood of winding up in unhappy marriages and relationships. doubling down on fantasy by adding religion to the mix will NOT help. it will very probably make it worse.
veggirl Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Yes thats how I feel. For example if i was sleeping with my man living together doing everything a married couple does, what difference will there be after I've married him. I'm thinking that to take sex out of the equation and put it on a pedastal that after the marriage or wedding the sex changes in its nature whereas if you've already been living that life after the big day what changes? Well you specifically definitely shouldn't be living with your loser of a "boyfriend"...and in general I'm no longer a fan of living together before marriage or engagement with date set. So, that's one way of making life "different" after marriage. errrr...just how many people are involved in this? I count 3 so far. Yeah read her other thread. It's her, a 37 yr old boyfriend, and the girl he left her for; but then came back to her because he needs a place to live and proposed to her out of desperation (again for a place to live) after she tried to kick him out.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 OP - with respect, I think you have some things to work on before you are able to be in a healthy relationship with any man at all. Withholding sex until marriage is not going to resolve any of them. If you don't want to have sex until you're married because that is what you believe is right for YOU, go ahead. But if you are just trying another way to capture and control a man, it's going to fail. 2
carhill Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 OP, I read this thread and would opine that the man in that thread is not the kind of man you're going to have a mature conversation about this topic with nor would likely find compatibility with surrounding this perspective, or in general. He's simply not a healthy relationship/marital candidate at this time, if at all.
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