I just miss him so much...

[nanbullen]

I KNOW that I should focus on myself, that I need to learn to love myself, I need to get therapy (easier said than done, when you have no insurance), that he is wrong about xyz and I need to move and all that other stuff we tell ourselves and each other. I know time heals all wounds and know I need to move on and take it one day at a time. I need to tell myself I can do better, I deserve better, forget him….

 

But right now in this moment none of it matters, none of it makes me feel better. All I want is him. I feel like this pain will never go away and even if it does, I don’t know how I’ll make it to that day. I’m terrified that this depression I’m in is affecting my daughter. She’s just a little girl and All she has is me and I feel like I’m emotionally abandoning her. She doesn’t know whats going on but I know she can sense something is wrong and she’s scared.

 

I hate him for doing this to me, I hate myself more for being so weak. I know this board is full of people who are all in the same boat, and yet, I feel so completely alone.

I feel like an unreasonable child. I’m a grown woman with a lifetime of experiences behind me but I don’t know how to cope with this. I feel like a child and I just want my mom. And I am sooo ashamed of feeling like that.

Ive seen people say it here countless times…I just want the pain to stop. I don’t know what to do to get any relief. I wake up in a state of anxiety, every minute of the day seems like an eternity that I pass through I a fog just thinking about him. As bad as the days are, the nights are worse,,,i feel so alone in the silence and I can’t fall asleep to escape, and I dread the next endless day.

 

I don’t have many close friends, and none that I can talk to about this. They all know our history and I don’t need to hear that he was an a**, and I’m better off without him and i-told-you-so. And I don’t want to call them to try to get my mind off things because I tried, and I can’t get my mind off things and I just feel like it’s a burden for other people to have this emotional cripple sitting around waiting to be cheered up. Not that they could anyway.

 

I just can’t stand it. I want to talk to him, I want to hear the sound of his voice, I want him to tell me he loves me. I just want to be near him. At least we live in different/adjoining states, so I cant go to his house, and I can at least keep a shred of dignity, he wont answer my texts , or take my calls, which go straight to voicemail. I haven’t left any messages either, thank god.i called him and no answer do I did send him texts, which I hate myself for, to tell him that if he is tired or doesn’t want to talk, I wish he would just pick up the phone and tell me he’s tired or whatever, and I will leave him alone and I’ll be totally fine. But to not just ignore my calls for DAYS…because that makes me feel like a dog that’s being trained or punished for being bad. So of course he didn’t answer and this morning when I called him I went straight to voicemail. So obviously he got my texts and turned his phone of…or most likely just programmed my number to go straight to voicemail. To me that’s cruel. It’s like, going that extra step to send my calls straight to vm, is like some type of perverse cruelty. Why not just let it ring and just not answer it? I tell him how bad it makes me feel when he won’t answer my calls, and his response is to just rub my face in it. He does this all the time, and when I ask why he didn’t pick up or return my calls, says he was mad at me over some BS. Like the last time he said he was mad because the last time we talked I sounded like I was hostile and he needed to step back and take a break. And you know what, he’s right, I WAS hostile. It’s my fault for being passive aggressive and I admitted it. But I resent his disrespectful treatment, so I get hostile, which in turn makes him treat me disrespectfully again! It’s like a vicious cycle.

 

I know he feels resentful and just worn out and disgusted by me, but I cant stop myself. I hate, Hate, hate the person I have become.

 

Anybody who read this far…thanks for reading.

[TaraMaiden]

interesting that you have chosen the name 'nanbullen'... this was the common way in which Anne Boleyn (Henry VIII's second wife) was often referred to ...

such a reference would require a detailed knowledge of British medieval/Tudor history, and as you seem to be in Texas, I'm delighted you would show such interest....

 

 

how do you know about Henry VIII's second wife?

[nanbullen]

You know, there is just something about Anne Boleyn that has always fascinated me She was a woman ahead of her time. There's something so romantic about how Henry VIII wanted her so badly, and the lengths he went to for them to be together.

 

Years ago I read a historical fiction about her and her sister, and after that i was hooked. I have read every book about her, Henry VIII, his wives, that is out there. unfortunately after over 500 years...i guess all the information that exists about her has been found. So most of those books have the same stuff in them. I don't know much about British history, but I think i'm an expert on anthing having to do with the specific topic of Henry VIII and his 6 wives...especially the second one!

 

I notice Anne B. is often portrayed in a kind of negative way, like she was manipulative and Catherine was the wronged good wife, and Anne was the scheming other woman who forced Henry to leave Catholic church and all that. The fact that she is the mother of Queen Elizabeth I, is practically glossed over (in my opinion only!!). But i've never looked at her that way. I think she was misunderstood! and Catherine won the public relations war...you could say. I agree she was manipulative,she had to be, it was HARD for a woman back in the mid 1500's! It's incredible what she accomplished, if you think about it!

 

I love England, if i ever move out of the US, that is where i would move to. Ive been there and it was awesome!

[TaraMaiden]

Now see, (apart from the fact that the Tudor period is probably my favourite era in history) my other motive was to get you to focus on something which really interested you - and shifted your focus from what ails you.

that's the secret.

find a distraction - but not one you know you're simply using as a mind-filler... find something which really grabs your attention and rivets you....

 

Elizabeth I had the most extraordinary relationship with Mary Queen of Scots, her cousin, and although they corresponded frequently, and a meeting was arranged, they never actually met, although they came really close.

QEI stated that the most difficult and heart-breaking thing she ever did was to sign MQofS's death sentence....

 

Elizabeth was the most extraordinary woman.

Years ahead of her time, and definitely her Father's daughter... and her Mother's too, no doubt.

 

delve into the historic past of England and study the Queens throughout history.

They were all formidable, and forces to be reckoned with, in spite of their 'nobody' status, due to their gender.

 

And bracket yourself in the gender of greatness.

Women are actually formidable.

I think we need reminding of that, sometimes.

Edited April 14, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[nanbullen]

I know you’re right. Thanks for your reply! Even when I was typing my post, I was thinking how after all that, poor Anne ended up in the tower waiting, knowing she was going to be beheaded on orders of the man she loved and who promised to love her, How trivial, insignificant and transitory life’s problems seem, when looked at in the context of history. It’s funny how Henry wanted a son so badly, and Anne wanted to give him one so badly…and she was ambitious…she wanted to be mother to the heir to the throne, not to mention the pressure she was under to have a boy! And they both died not knowing that that they DID produce an heir…all along there was Elizabeth…who would turn out to be a brilliant ruler, who was loved by the people.

 

You’re right, I need to force myself to focus on something else. I think I’ll read your link. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself is pointless.

 

Besides, he called me a little while ago acting like nothing is wrong. and he just had his phone in sleep mode, so he didn't even know i called. he says. but i've heard so many excuses. I’m already so upset that there’s no way I can act like nothing is wrong. I feel like he is totally disrespecting me when I tell him I need to talk to him and he just doesn’t call me back for days. When he knows how it makes me feel , and he still does it, it feels like he is doing it on purpose. And that means he doesn’t care about how I feel, and that means he doesn’t respect me. And if he doesn’t respect me how can he possibly love me? He says that I am afraid of getting hurt by him so I overreact and take everything the wrong way, so I can validate my belief that he will hurt me. I know I DO that a lot….but in this case I don’t think I’m over-reacting! But now it seems like that is his excuse for everything. He won’t even consider anything is his fault, and he’s so defensive.

 

Anyway, I couldn't pretend everything is ok. So I told him I was tired and I was going to go tan and to the gym, and I am….but I’m sure he thinks I didn’t want to talk to him just to be a b***h, after I told him to call me and after he “reached out”, and now this will be his new excuse to ignore my calls. I wanted to explain how I feel, but I’m just tired of saying it again, and he will get defensive and feel attacked anyway. And who wants to be around somebody who is sad and depressed, it will just disgust him.

 

I feel like we have a complete communication breakdown, and I just love him so much, and I think we are just drifting farther and farther apart and I see it happening and I just cant stop it.

[TaraMaiden]

Darling you are killing yourself slowly this way....

And you so do not deserve to do this to yourself, truly.

 

A saying I learnt a whole shedload of time ago, was this;

If there is a frown on a woman's face, you can bet your bottom dollar that 9 times out of 10, a guy put it there...

 

Man, I wish more than anything else this wasn't so true....

 

But it is.

 

We waste so much time suffering from pain, anxiety, grief, anger, resentment, sadness, frustration... all of us, it's just so foolish...

 

We need to choose our way out, we need to choose to make ourselves happy, and refuse to ascribe to the emotions that keep us stuck, that make us suffer....

We need to realise that we don't have to do this, that nobody else has the right to invade our space, our power and manipulate it, until it lies wrung out and exhausted on the floor, with nothing left to give.

 

We don't have to give up and stop, just because one person didn't work it out with us.

 

we have to realise, and we have to believe, we are worth so much more than that.

you are worth so - so - much more than that.

[sweetheart5381]

Sadly, what Taramaiden says is so true... it was a man that most likely caused the frown on a woman's face. When this happens, we need to realize that we allowed it to happen (not our fault, we are not to blame) AND can take the power back to satisfy our very own needs.

 

A diversion is the best thing, just don't make your diversion a man (nothing personal to male members). Your own personal interests are very important and not to be ignored. I was raped a week and a half ago by a stranger and I can tell you a diversion is the best thing when you are heartbroken, in a crisis, etc. My best friends are really great at getting me to think about "other stuff". Sometimes you just have to put the emotions on ignore and deal with them a little at a time.

 

You are worth the time and effort to take care of you and explore what makes you happy, what makes you tick, what you REALLY want out of life.

 

Take the time to think about you.

[mymission]

I have a degree in history and I did my dissertation on Late Medieval queens. Although this is just before Henry VIII's and Anne Boleyn's time. I still know a lot about it through interest as well.

 

I'll tell you a Queen to read about. Margaret of Anjou, wife of Henry VI. He was a weak King, couldn't make decisions and went through two mental stupors lasting 18 months at a time. She fought for the Lancastrian dynaty against the rising Richard, Duke of York during the Battle of the Roses.

 

She was a woman, and she was French, yet she ruled England in all but name.

 

But yeah I feel your pain as well lol.

 

And I'm from England and I want to get out and travel the US lol.

[nanbullen]

i lost track of this thread! I'm so unfocused because of this jerk.

 

Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going through this, my problems seem so insignificant when i'm reminded there are much heavier burdens others are forced to carry. You are very strong, that you still want to help others right now...it makes me think you will know how to make it through this.

 

Mymission thanks for that idea. maybe it's time for me to branch out and learn about some other queens. I'm just fascinated HOW Anne kept Henry hooked for 6 YEARS without sex. I wish more of their letters to each other were still around. It's so romantic!

 

I wish Pride and Prejudice was based on a true story. And there was a real Pemberley. Can you tell i just finished watching P&P lol ?