husband wants divorce....i think?

[AllieKat]

This is going to be long so I'll try to shorten it where I can. My Hubby and i have been together for 10 years and have been bffs that long, weve been married for almost 7 years. we basically are that annoying couple who seldom fights, tells each other we love each other all the time, text each other every chance we get and call each other a lot. we spend most of our time with each other and my daugheer from a previous relationship. we have been a strong family unit and normally when we have a fight its small and over with and forgotten quick no awful hateful words or anything. basically a little over a week ago hubby and I got in fight on phone. He annoyed me and hurt my feelings so I said in anger "I'm so sick of this marriage" and he got upset I then basically told him it was all his fault and I hung up. So he stopped talking to me and gave me the silent treatment and began sleeping on couch. a few days in he changed all his email passwords, and FB. we have always had an open mariage about passwords and such since we have both been with sneaky liars in the past. I never would beleive he would cheat or have had any reason to. However I'm insecure so that set me into paniac and I know he knows that.

 

Day 3 of no talking I apologize and try to make ammends and let him know I love him only to hear I have nothing to say. And that he thinks I'm playing head games because one day I'm sick of marriage next I'm not. Day 6 he doesnt come home after meeting and I get really concerned so I call him and we spend 90mins on phone as I tell him I'm so sorry and as he explains to me this is the last time I do this to him. i asked him if we could work things out he said no he has no feelings neither good or bad for me and he wasnt giving me his heart back again. I said do you want to divorce he said "thats where this is going" I sobbed and apologized and etc and he told me how we would need to file bankruptcy and etc before we split and that he would have to stay here cause right now he couldnt afford to live on his own nor could i. i said dont you even care about me at all and he hung up so i left him alone (fyi- we got into a fight last year over me threathening divorce over a silly fight and he was so mad he told me that was not acceptable to do. he gave me silent treatment for 4 days then we made up)

 

day 7 he deletes all our common friends off FB and takes down that hes married and blocks me from seeing who he is friends with. he still kept me as friend but really whats the point. very stupid stuff but still hurtful. i must add last time he got mad at me (last year) he did this all too and took his ring off. that day i figured id just sit down with him and talk and see how he wants to go on with this bankruptcy stuff because aside from any divorce we have a lot of debt and it would be maybe an option to look into. he actually talked after some nudding as we talk he seems to get nicer and seems to lose the mean voice hes had.

 

today is day 10 and over the last few days hes been talkative, nicer, helped me do errands and we had to attend a meeting together and afterwards we went out for pizza with the group and he was better. he even made me a dish i needed to take for work. i was so grateful i gave him a quick hug which he accepted and didnt push me away but he didnt grab me up and sweep me off my feet either. needless to say im wondering if hes being nicer cause he wants to be civil or cause he still cares.it stinks he still isnt sleeping in bed with me and i miss his calls everyday and texts but i know i hurt him and its still fresh. i am to scared to ask him cause i want him to have as much space as possible but its killing me not knowing. he still is wearing his ring.

[Yasuandio]

There are two ways that I am seeing this. The first, I believe is your most impotent lesson:

 

1. That is a very heavy-duty threat, and would scare the bejeebies out of me if I believed I was in a happy marriage. If I ever heard it again, I would truely question my faith and trust in my partner and the marriage. Be very careful about the threats you make, there may not be another chance.

 

2. His behaviors and reactions are very quick and methodical. They could be charactered as defensive, dramatic. But, I can't blame him if that is his personality type. I just find the reaction interesting. Because when I am in shock, I react the opposite way - paralyzed. All of us are different creatures, and react to shock, yes, shock, in different ways.

 

Don't apologize anymore. Leave the guy alone. Back off for awhile till he comes to you.

 

Good luck to you, Yas

Edited April 14, 2012 by Yasuandio

[oldshirt]

My knee-jerk reaction is thinking that he is whiny, manipulative little drama queen that is just trying to stick it you for making threats.

 

But there may be more at play here as well. At first you paint a picture of you two as a perfect happy couple but then you go on to say that this isn't first time of you threatening divorce over squabbles nor the first time he has reacted with silent treatments etc when you have.

 

He may have a point here. If you are going to threaten divorce when you get upset I don't think that giving you a little taste of what separation and divorce will be like is an unrealistic response.

 

If you are considering divorce I don't think having a little taste of what it will be like is a bad thing.

 

IMHO threatening divorce when you really do not wish it is a foul and is fair game for being called out. If deep down you really do not want a divorce I would think long and hard before you use it as a threat again. He appears to me to be a little more prepared for it and has a better grasp of what it means than you do. He responses have been stronger each time this has happened. I don't know how many more times you can threaten divorce without him actually going through with it.

 

You may want to think things through before you speak a little more when you are upset in the future.

[sLiPpeTh]

basically a little over a week ago hubby and I got in fight on phone. He annoyed me and hurt my feelings so I said in anger "I'm so sick of this marriage" and he got upset I then basically told him it was all his fault and I hung up.

 

Hung up, or hung up on him.

 

It seems to me passive aggressive behavior, begets passive aggressive responses.

 

I personally have no patience for it.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with oldshirt who pointed out you had said you had a very happy marriage with little to no fighting, but then last year you threatened divorce and he took off his ring. That doesn't sound "happy" to me.

 

It sounds like you say things on impulse when you are angry and your husband is sick of it. If my husband threatened divorce and didn't really mean it I'd get pissed off too.

 

You have apologized and did what you can do. Now the ball is in his court. He will either come around or he won't. Hopefully he does come around, and if that happens, maybe this will have taught you a lesson to think before you say things out of anger. If you are lucky enough to have him forgive you, I doubt there will be a "next time" if you continue this behavior.

[worldgonewrong]

IMHO threatening divorce when you really do not wish it is a foul and is fair game for being called out. If deep down you really do not want a divorce I would think long and hard before you use it as a threat again. He appears to me to be a little more prepared for it and has a better grasp of what it means than you do. He responses have been stronger each time this has happened. I don't know how many more times you can threaten divorce without him actually going through with it.

 

Truthfully?

 

This is one of the aspects that f*cked my marriage over, as regards me.

Take heed.

[maybealone]

With what I have read, I see three possibilities.

 

1. You have threatened divorce more than twice in the past year, and he is really tired of it.

 

2. He is very, very immature.

 

3. He is having an affair (or looking to have one) and is taking this opportunity to paint you as an evil person who caused the affair.

[AllieKat]

We have had a very happy marriage with those two big bumps caused by me and yes they were impulse threats that came from nowhere! I usually bite my tongue and dont ever say things like that to anyone and with hubby I never really have a need to say anything bad....im just not sure why i said those. Its so hard because he wont even sit with us a dinner table! I actually apologized to his face last night and he didnt say a word he just nodded like he understood. It just seems hopeless.

[2sunny]

What did you do both times that caused the fight?

[AllieKat]

@ Sunny the first time I said i wanted a divorce cause i got pissed at him for no reason. this second time i said i'm sick of this marriage. again i was mad but thats no excuse.

[Yasuandio]

If your husband isnot just looking for a reason to get out of the marriage, and has very good faith, I have a suggestion for you.

 

First of all, one heartfelt apology is enough. Repeated apologies begin to appear desperate and insinsire.

 

Making such threats for "no reason" and your propensity to suddenly lose when you "get mad" suggest you might need some help. Have you thought about an anger management course or seeing a therapist about this?

 

I believe such action (serious action) on your part in this direction, may give him some hope. But you cannot keep yapping about this all the time. Simply inquire if the family can afford it. THAT'S ALL. If not, look into anything your county might offer. Yas

[AllieKat]

well hubby said he is done and wants nothing to do with me or my daughter who he has been a father to for the last 9 years. saying that he wants nothing to do with her and hes now not her father sickens me and to me though what i did was wrong what hes saying is way worse. kids are innocent and dragging them into your hate is just sick. i think hes lost his mind to be honest. the way he talked to me was like i was a murder and he wanted to kill me. seems a little drastic. its almost like he woke up and decided i dont want to be married and i dont want to play daddy anymore. he made threats to me last night that he has the trump card... so i better be careful. amazing how a fight and words can turn into a war and show the true colors of whom you married. its like he snapped and just is now out to hurt me as bad as he can even if it means hurting my daughter too.

[standtall]

Alliekat..I can't help but to think that something is missing here. A couple of divorce threats by you and he ups and leaves? That does not compute...were is the alcohol/abuse/mental illness/OW? If he were to post here about why he is leaving, what do you think he would say?

[AllieKat]

i know its weird. he would probably say that i threatened him with divorce now twice and hes done. thats all hes told me. i asked if he was cheating and he says no and i beleive him. its like he snapped. you just dont go from being madly in love to divorce over a fight. we all make mistakes and i told him hes said things to me that i know he didnt mean and i forgave him. he looked me dead in the face and said he feels nothing for me. yet he told me he could be colder than that. its really odd.

[standtall]

Why don't you ask him why exactly he wants to leave. It doesn't appear that you have a clear answer.

[AllieKat]

I did ask him but all he says is he gave me his heart and twice i through it in his face with me threats! He wont leave either. I told him its unhealthy for my daughter and he said hes staying for awhile and will endure this as long as he has to if it takes 90 days or 2 years! Hes off his rocker honestly! Anyone that drags an innocent child in their sick game has deep issues

[Jstub]

I did ask him but all he says is he gave me his heart and twice i through it in his face with me threats! He wont leave either. I told him its unhealthy for my daughter and he said hes staying for awhile and will endure this as long as he has to if it takes 90 days or 2 years! Hes off his rocker honestly! Anyone that drags an innocent child in their sick game has deep issues

 

How is he dragging your daughter into this by staying there? Obviously this is not about your 2 threats, it's deeper than that. Your thought of having a happy marriage is simply not true. If he was happy in the marriage, he wouldn't just tell you all those things and go for divorce. I think your last fight was just the straw that broke the camel's back. This has been building up for years probably. As for the possibility of an affair, don't just dismiss it, don't just believe him - you don't want to believe it, because you don't think he would do that to you, well think again, did you ever expect him to tell you that he has no feelings for you? You would be surprised what your spouse is capable of, when you think they are not. I thought my wife would not be capable of cheating on me and believed all her bull****, but guess what??? she was cheating alright. Think with your head and not with your heart. Good luck to you.

[AllieKat]

I know hes not having an affair! We did have a happy marriage which is why this is crazy! Worst part is him staying in the house is hurting my daugter because he niw ignores her and wont give her hugs anymore at night or tell her he loves her! She doesnt deserve that maube I do but not an innocent kid! How can someone be a father for 9 years then just decide since hes mad at me hes going to punish her? Its insane! He hasnt done anything about a divorce yet but hes been drowning himself in other things such as helping a mutual friend fix his car and volunteering with an organization i also voluntee with! Im just at a loss at whats hes doing! I mean file and move out or make up

[Jstub]

I know hes not having an affair! We did have a happy marriage which is why this is crazy! Worst part is him staying in the house is hurting my daugter because he niw ignores her and wont give her hugs anymore at night or tell her he loves her! She doesnt deserve that maube I do but not an innocent kid! How can someone be a father for 9 years then just decide since hes mad at me hes going to punish her? Its insane! He hasnt done anything about a divorce yet but hes been drowning himself in other things such as helping a mutual friend fix his car and volunteering with an organization i also voluntee with! Im just at a loss at whats hes doing! I mean file and move out or make up

 

Oh now what he is doing to your daughter is terrible. He completely ignores her? COME ON! you have to get him out of there. That is very damaging to your daughter. Please get him out.

[2sunny]

@ Sunny the first time I said i wanted a divorce cause i got pissed at him for no reason. this second time i said i'm sick of this marriage. again i was mad but thats no excuse.

 

This is a skillfully crafted NONANSWER!

 

You give no reason for getting angry?

 

So you get angry for nothing?

 

That is just blatantly mean! I'd leave you, I would!

 

I would never live that way for one day!

 

You haven't communicated WHAT you may be "sick of" or "mad about" - please work on understanding how to effectively COMMUNICATE why you may be upset and offer a solution that could change that problem.

 

Just complaining and not stating what's bothering you - and NOT offering a solution doesn't fix anything.

[darkmoon]

OP he sees you trashed marriage vows i'm not saying he won't come back but unless you see the trash factor and accept that you started the break you would put me off forgiving you wholly let him win ffs

[2sunny]

I did ask him but all he says is he gave me his heart and twice i through it in his face with me threats! He wont leave either. I told him its unhealthy for my daughter and he said hes staying for awhile and will endure this as long as he has to if it takes 90 days or 2 years! Hes off his rocker honestly! Anyone that drags an innocent child in their sick game has deep issues

 

This is you blame shifting!

 

If you have a problem with him - sit down and calmly discuss solutions to what's bothering you.

 

Stop pointing the finger at a man who's doing it right! He's staying away and staying busy because he doesn't want to hear you complain and not do anything different!

 

Be the change you wish to see! Ya, YOU!

[darkmoon]

"he says is he gave me his heart and twice i through it in his face with me threats" he needs reassurrance or space OP knows him

[AllieKat]

@2sunny! Um first im not blame shifting!! Fact is regardless of what I did the child should not be dragged into our problems. PERIOD!!!

[AllieKat]

I am well aware of my mistakes and just started counseling as well! I hope to fix things with Hubby if he'll ever forgive me! We are all human and make mistakes, sometimes even twice. I'm hoping to work on my issues and learn some better communication.