Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Long story short. I'm currently conversing with a girl who is currently in a relationship of 6 years. We went out for dinner after work and hanged out till late (she checked us both in for dinner and desert via facebook publicly). I told her about the feelings I had for her, she said she would say 'Yes if she didn't have a boyfriend' and also likes me too (physically and emotionally). Anyways, she still seems to be contacting me via text, fb and email after the whole ordeal on a daily basis and eager to hangout again which I have post-poned. My theories: Is she using me as an ego boost?Is she selfishly keeping onto me as a second option by keeping me on her tail?Is she actually trying to destroy her current relationship with her boyfriend by publicly stating she is having dinner with me?She also somewhat contacted me to comfort me after I had a recent break-up of a 4 year relationship. Should I go NC?
East7 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I told her about the feelings I had for her, she said she would say 'Yes if she didn't have a boyfriend'. What she is telling you is that she has no intention to leave him and be with you. "If I didn't have him" is just to string you along so you go on wanting her. She doesn't want you, she wants you to want her My theories: Is she using me as an ego boost? oh YES !Is she selfishly keeping onto me as a second option by keeping me on her tail? Very possible. Do you want to be a back-up plan ?Is she actually trying to destroy her current relationship with her boyfriend by publicly stating she is having dinner with me? - Possible answers : Revenge on her BF, making him jealous, etc..Broadcasting the fact tells that she has measured the consequences (eventually to her BF) and possibly wanted them.She also somewhat contacted me to comfort me after I had a recent break-up of a 4 year relationship. Should I go NC? What does NC has to do with her ? If you want to save yourself from false hopes and illusions, keep your boundaries and don't give her more than your friendship. 2
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 you are definitely someone's emotional backup/ego-boost. Make yourself unavailable for all non-professional, out-if-working-hours stuff. 1
Author Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks for replies. Thing is that I no longer work with her and only saw her the first time after 2 years (we used to work together prior 3 years ago). She the shy type and her bf is emotionally abusive (from what she has told me back then - however he may have changed), but she still suffers from low self-esteem - lack of confidence, being outspoken etc... I've shown friends the communication messages. They imply she is interested in me, but weighing up her options as she barely knows "the current me" as we last saw each other 2 years ago of little contact and maybe wants to know me more before she makes a shift (as 6 years is a long relationship to walk away from)? She asked me why I would want to date someone older (I am 2 years older), never mentioned her bf around me, responds to my emails pretty quick, asked if I have removed all contact with my ex, said I was attractive which made her nervous, liked how I've matured into a successful person, made time for me etc... I'm not heavily invested into this and under the expectation of successfully obtaining her. However, I'd like to know if signs of interests are different if a woman the shy and quiet type.
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My theories: Is she using me as an ego boost?Maybe. IME, a situational or pervasive ego feed is usually the case. Other potentials are polyamory and monkey-branch behaviors. Is she selfishly keeping onto me as a second option by keeping me on her tail? That would be monkey-branch behavior. Is she actually trying to destroy her current relationship with her boyfriend by publicly stating she is having dinner with me? Perhaps. Another possibility is you're being used as a tool to get something from her boyfriend. I recall being used in such a manner to get a commitment and a shared purchase of a house from a boyfriend. She also somewhat contacted me to comfort me after I had a recent break-up of a 4 year relationship. Should I go NC? So, you met and interacted and you developed attraction while you were in an existing relationship? Please clarify.
Author Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 So, you met and interacted and you developed attraction while you were in an existing relationship? Please clarify. We were both in long-term relationships at the same time. However, I recently broke up after 4 years, but was always attracted to her. She used to show signs of interests as well in a shy girl behaviour. She used to give hints of how terrible her bf was and if I was ever strong enough to break up with my ex (we had a lot of turmoil). Never really got into the 'friends-zone' as we never went to lunch breaks and chatted up during work functions or at our work desk.
WildHorses Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Personally, I never get involved with anybody that is in a relationship or recently broken up. I refuse to be the rebound girl, nor the side dish. She is in a relationship, probably confused about what she wants. The fact that she is posting on facebook being out with you, well, is she trying to make her significant other jealous? That would not surprise me. If I were you, I would move on from this b.s. and meet a wonderful, healthy person who is single. No chaos that way.
Author Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 SIX years she's with this guy? Your "date" was made public because she wants that ring and boyfriend ain't budging. You're being used. I absolutely agree with you. But are there also women out there who are afraid of being alone who carry on dead relationships because they don't believe there is better out there?
Author Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Personally, I never get involved with anybody that is in a relationship or recently broken up. I refuse to be the rebound girl, nor the side dish. She is in a relationship, probably confused about what she wants. The fact that she is posting on facebook being out with you, well, is she trying to make her significant other jealous? That would not surprise me. If I were you, I would move on from this b.s. and meet a wonderful, healthy person who is single. No chaos that way. Agreed. I suppose if she could do it to him, I could be delt with the same possibilities in the future. I'm taking a break from relationships for at least half a year. However, just pondering if this girl could be an 'option'.
WildHorses Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I absolutely agree with you. But are there also women out there who are afraid of being alone who carry on dead relationships because they don't believe there is better out there? There is. There are men and women that stay in relationships, cannot be alone...so they wait until something comes along. Those are the relationship hoppers. Not a healthy way of doing things.
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 SIX years she's with this guy? Your "date" was made public because she wants that ring and boyfriend ain't budging. You're being used. Yeah, that was my first instinct too. In my case it was eight years and she had invested a lot into the BF and his business and wanted a 'ROI' (return on investment). He was aware of our (hers and my) long history so it was a win-win for her. Attention from a man who had loved her for many years in the past plus using the attention from a potentially competitive and equal male to get BF off the pot and get her into the digs she felt she deserved. It worked beautifully. Once the deal was struck, she disappeared (ignored me) like a hole in the water. Elegant, if perhaps trending to the sociopathic. After I got over the hurt I was pretty impressed. Women often impress me. Great teachers. OP, how old are you?
WildHorses Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Agreed. I suppose if she could do it to him, I could be delt with the same possibilities in the future. I'm taking a break from relationships for at least half a year. However, just pondering if this girl could be an 'option'. Nextlane, I'm also taking a break from relationships. They have burned me out. That is wise that you are doing that. And, I think you know the answer about her being an option. She is not. That is just a bunch of b.s. When are you ready to date, go for a girl that is single. You will avoid unnecessary stress.
Author Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 OP, how old are you? I'm 24. You have quite a story there and she may also be on the same path. Just confused that she contacted me after breaking up with my ex girlfriend. I believe it will take time to get a solid answer, but I personally believe I'm better off just remaining friends.
Author Nextlane Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks for everyone's input. I will steer clear and keep myself busy. I also do not once to jeopardize her relationship, as I don't know the current status of her relationship and nor is it in my nature to do so (I'd be upset myself if I were the boyfriend). I will keep contact to a bare minimum even though she initiates them and keep them friend based. Again, appreciate everyones input and spare the chances of parties involved getting hurt.
wannabdone Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks for everyone's input. I will steer clear and keep myself busy. I also do not once to jeopardize her relationship, as I don't know the current status of her relationship and nor is it in my nature to do so (I'd be upset myself if I were the boyfriend). I will keep contact to a bare minimum even though she initiates them and keep them friend based. Again, appreciate everyones input and spare the chances of parties involved getting hurt. Careful. I would go NC totally. No friends, nada. You are already trying to justify this relationship in your head. From your post... she check you both in on FB, you had your friends look at her texts, etc. Your trying to make it okay in your brain. The signs are all there. 3
WildHorses Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Careful. I would go NC totally. No friends, nada. You are already trying to justify this relationship in your head. From your post... she check you both in on FB, you had your friends look at her texts, etc. Your trying to make it okay in your brain. The signs are all there. Wanna is wise. How are you doing fellow Irish lady? I wish they didn't lock that last convo we were in. It was interesting. 2
spice4life Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Yeah, if she has a BF stay NC with a capital N. Someone who has a SO stopped by to see me recently and asked me to go out for drinks publicly and I blew him off as best I could without embarrassing the guy. But if he contacts me and asks again, I will have no problem saying NO, absoutely not. In addition to not being interested, I've met his SO and there is no way I would put myself in a position to hurt her. She doesn't deserve that at all. He was definitely looking for an ego boost and he is not going to use me to get it. Don't allow yourself to be used like that, you deserve better! 1
wannabdone Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Wanna is wise. How are you doing fellow Irish lady? I wish they didn't lock that last convo we were in. It was interesting. Doing good. How are you friend? ps... thx for the wise comment. Usually there is another word added to that... like "wise a$$". LOL. 1
WildHorses Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Doing good. How are you friend? ps... thx for the wise comment. Usually there is another word added to that... like "wise a$$". LOL. I'm doing well. I have added you to my contacts. Perhaps someday we can chat. I'm not an established member yet. I'm new. I hope you are having a wonderful day!
wannabdone Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I'm doing well. I have added you to my contacts. Perhaps someday we can chat. I'm not an established member yet. I'm new. I hope you are having a wonderful day! Would love it. I just sent you a PM. Since you have had 50 posts... you can do pm's now. 1
WildHorses Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Would love it. I just sent you a PM. Since you have had 50 posts... you can do pm's now. Ooh, that is cool...now, how do I find this PM?
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 wow... it's down to 50 posts now? Lucky you, i think it used to be 100...! top left, MyProfile/CP. click, on new page, go down left hand column. you should see private messages... select 'list messages'.... 1
wannabdone Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 wow... it's down to 50 posts now? Lucky you, i think it used to be 100...! top left, MyProfile/CP. click, on new page, go down left hand column. you should see private messages... select 'list messages'.... I know! I think it was a 100 when I started. I just paid the 2.50 or whatever to have them. Of course, I like to talk...so 100 came fast for me.
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 me too.. I can't believe i'm over 9k posts...!!!
wannabdone Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 me too.. I can't believe i'm over 9k posts...!!! Oh my gosh! I didn't notice that. Well, you have a lot to say... no shame in that!
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