Apparently "getting bored" of your partner is normal?

[FrustratedStandards]

I recently heard from several men that every couple must take breaks from each other in order to not get sick/ bored of the relationship. By "take a break" I mean still be faithful to each other but not see or talk to each other for two weekends (or more) a month. And i'm not talking about having a guys night or going out with their friends. I mean literally being away from them even if it means sitting at home watching TV all weekend by yourself. (Mind you I know some of their girlfriends and these aren't the naggy crazy women you would imagine a man needs time away from.)

 

The way I see it, if you get sick of your partner, you shouldn't have to "take a breather" to be able to tolerate them. The answer should be to dump them. Right?

 

What surprised me, however, is that the more I have looked into this, the more I realized that it's very common (even among married couples). This strikes me as very strange. Lots of men have told me that it's normal to do this. I, however, think it's just an excuse to get a bit of "freedom" (singlehood) because you aren't happy in the relationship.

 

So I just wanted to ask...is this normal? Or is this just something people do to be "single" when they feel like it, and "in a relationship" when they don't find something better?

 

The more I hear that this is "normal" the more I am having second thoughts about dumping every single guy who couldn't keep my interest.

[SJC2008]

Hi frustratedstandards. I'll try to be a little more pc this time around lol!

 

Well are we talking about couples living together? And how long have they been together?

 

I'd say it could be a positive or a negative. A negative in that what you already said that if they are "bored" that that's not good. A positive in that they value the relationship and are willing to put an effort in to make it work. So a break here and there to get a little miss you fatctor may not be such a bad idea IMO.

 

I could understand it more from a married couples stand point then just a bf/gf scenario, especially if they're not living together.

 

My grandparents slept in separate rooms lol in their old age. I don't remember how old they were when they started doing it, I never asked.

[FrustratedStandards]

These are couples that are both living together and those who are not. It came from both ends. The idea was first introduced to me, however, by a man who did not live with his girlfriend.

[FitChick]

Don't be boring and you won't have to worry about it. Excitement and passion in relationships don't just magically happen. You have to make it happen!

 

Let's not forget that what some people call boring, others call comfortable. To each their own.

[wwwjd]

Don't be boring and you won't have to worry about it. Excitement and passion in relationships don't just magically happen. You have to make it happen!

 

it needed repeated

[PratyekaYana]

I endorse the practice of taking small breaks from your significant other's company. A healthy relationship demands a certain merging of the parties involved, sure, but that shouldn't be equated to the snuffing out of one's individual life as separate from that union.

 

Boredom is however another issue entirely, IMO. Taking note of the current dating climate, it's apparent that a great many of us have lost the ability to create true intimacy. We tend to disengage from our partners once we've achieved a certain level of familiarity, and I suspect that sense of boredom is symptomatic of wanning patience.

[january2011]

I think it depends on the two people in the relationship. Some people can spend all their free time together and not get bored, rather they are energised by each other's company. Others need more alone time to recharge their batteries.

 

As long as you and your partner both agree about the ratio of alone and together time, then I think that's your 'normal'.

[FrustratedStandards]

I think it depends on the two people in the relationship. Some people can spend all their free time together and not get bored, rather they are energised by each other's company. Others need more alone time to recharge their batteries.

 

I thought this was the point of a relationship? To find someone like this?

 

In the relationships I have had (not that many) I have never needed time alone. I've always wanted to be with that person.

 

That's why when I first heard of this "taking breathers" thing, my first thought was "then you aren't that into your girlfriend".

[january2011]

I thought this was the point of a relationship? To find someone like this?

 

In the relationships I have had (not that many) I have never needed time alone. I've always wanted to be with that person.

 

That's why when I first heard of this "taking breathers" thing, my first thought was "then you aren't that into your girlfriend".

 

Not necessarily. If you're a classic introvert, spending too much time around other people can be quite exhausting. Even if 'other people' includes your partner. Classic introverts need time alone to recharge their batteries.

 

Your post suggests that you're closer to extraversion than introversion because you're energised by being around your partner and don't need the alone time. As long as your partner is in agreement, I don't think it's a problem.

Edited April 14, 2012 by january2011

[FrustratedStandards]

Not necessarily. If you're a classic introvert, spending too much time around other people can be quite exhausting. Even if 'other people' includes your partner. Classic introverts need time alone to recharge their batteries.

 

Your post suggests that you're closer to extraversion than introversion because you're energised by being around your partner and don't need the alone time. As long as your partner is in agreement, I don't think it's a problem.

 

Yes you're spot on. I'm an extrovert.

 

Now that you mention it, then men I got bored of were introverts!

 

That makes a lot of sense. But one particular couple I know are both extroverts. The logic works for me....but I can't say it does for them.

[january2011]

The logic works for me....but I can't say it does for them.

 

That's what happens with theories regarding complex human behaviour. They're approximations and someone will usually be able to produce anecdotal evidence that suggests the existence of outliers.

 

There's some value in having an academic discussion like this, though I think it's worth bringing it back to what works for you personally rather than focusing too much on what works for other people.

[xxoo]

It may be normal to need time apart, but it is also normal to not need time apart. My partner and I have enough "forced" time apart (our jobs and other responsibilities) that we want to spend all of our available time together.

 

I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert, so clearly people are complex.

 

Particularly when we were dating, neither of us would ever have chosen to spend a weekend apart! We hungered for each other, and time together. Now, after many years, I can better accept time apart, but I don't need it.

[Leigh 87]

It may be normal to need time apart, but it is also normal to not need time apart. My partner and I have enough "forced" time apart (our jobs and other responsibilities) that we want to spend all of our available time together.

 

I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert, so clearly people are complex.

 

Particularly when we were dating, neither of us would ever have chosen to spend a weekend apart! We hungered for each other, and time together. Now, after many years, I can better accept time apart, but I don't need it.

 

The odd " boys night" is normal... HAVING to spend weeks apart every month is not normal, for me. I think it would mostly suit people who really need their own personal time and space; as long as it is jist a trait of that person, and a person is like that with EVERY one they " love", and it is not because the guy is not enough for them; sure, it is normal. If it is THEM and not the guy that they need space from..

Needing space is something they need; not the fact they just need space when they have a b/f.

 

My boyfriend is having a few beers with his a few guys ffriends of his, and watching the footy ( male dominated sport here in AUS, but lots of women get into it too!). It is a typical thing a lot of Aussie males love to do - time with their guy friends, without their partners. TV and beer, not partying of course.

 

We both like him to do this once a week, and I pick him up when he is ready to come home; we miss each others company by the end of the night, and look forward to seeing each other and sleeping together.

We tend to miss each other every night we are not sleeping together.

 

When we spend a week or more apart we miss each other terribly! We have more than enough things in our lives that we are interested in and enjoy doing; it is just we miss each others company after even a few days:(

[WildHorses]

I think it's healthy to spend time a part from your significant other. Whether living together or not, I feel that a couple should spend time doing their own things, maybe doing their own hobby, doing a girls/guys night. I don't think you should completely cut all ties though. I have encouraged ex-boyfriends to go out with their buddies. I need my space. I sometimes like to be out with the girls, be alone, or spend time with a boyfriend. Balance is key. I will always remain faithful to my partner as well.

 

Now, I have found myself bored in just about every relationship I have had. I have not met somebody that has really kept my attention long. I sometimes think I have not even really experienced true love yet. I love laying around the house doing nothing. But, I love to get out and do things as well. Once again, finding that balance.

[Pierre]

I recently heard from several men that every couple must take breaks from each other in order to not get sick/ bored of the relationship. By "take a break" I mean still be faithful to each other but not see or talk to each other for two weekends (or more) a month. And i'm not talking about having a guys night or going out with their friends. I mean literally being away from them even if it means sitting at home watching TV all weekend by yourself. (Mind you I know some of their girlfriends and these aren't the naggy crazy women you would imagine a man needs time away from.)

 

The way I see it, if you get sick of your partner, you shouldn't have to "take a breather" to be able to tolerate them. The answer should be to dump them. Right?

 

What surprised me, however, is that the more I have looked into this, the more I realized that it's very common (even among married couples). This strikes me as very strange. Lots of men have told me that it's normal to do this. I, however, think it's just an excuse to get a bit of "freedom" (singlehood) because you aren't happy in the relationship.

 

So I just wanted to ask...is this normal? Or is this just something people do to be "single" when they feel like it, and "in a relationship" when they don't find something better?

 

The more I hear that this is "normal" the more I am having second thoughts about dumping every single guy who couldn't keep my interest.

 

 

If you are bored, there is a possibility you are also boring to your partner. Non-boring people never get bored. They don't need external validation to keep from being bored.

 

Your partner cannot keep you entertained 24/7. No one can do that! It is up to you to stay non bored.

[WildHorses]

If you are bored, there is a possibility you are also boring to your partner. Non-boring people never get bored. They don't need external validation to keep from being bored.

 

Your partner cannot keep you entertained 24/7. No one can do that! It is up to you to stay non bored.

 

I understand what you are saying. I would just like to say that I don't need somebody else to keep me entertained. I'm quite independent. Generally, I'm pretty active. Up until recently, I'm rarely home. I have been in relationships where I have been active and the boyfriend wanted to only stay home.

 

I would also like to add that the longest relationship I had, was 4 years. It was a challenging relationship which is a part of why I stayed around so long. I like a man to challenge me. I can get bored otherwise. Just have not met the right man yet.

[xxoo]

I see "I want to go do such-and-such", when your partner prefers to stay home, differently from "I need some time away from you."

 

In that case, you are simply doing things that interest you, and inviting your partner along. You'd welcome their company, but are going whether they choose to join you are not.

[zengirl]

Of course people get bored of their SOs sometimes, and that doesn't necessarily mean it's "break up time" because some people find themselves bored of everything these days. Those people are boring and easily bored and expect the world to bring them fulfillment and excitement without cultivating any themselves or having interests or being interesting. Instead of necessarily meaning it's time to break up, that suggests to me -- if it's just boredom -- that it's time to get an attitude adjustment and some interests of your own. I only really see such boredom with people who expect having a SO to be their main hobby/interest and seem to prefer dating to relationships for this reason (dating is more time-consuming and "event" like than a relationship) and it rarely seems to be about the SO.

 

Forced breaks, however, seem odd. Sure, people need time apart, but it's usually pretty natural, not plotted out where you don't hang out every other weekend at all or whatever. Usually people take their time apart by pursuing their separate interests or careers or their bit of alone time or whatever, and then take their time together as well. Two weekends out of a month? That's one I've never heard. I know many people who often need a "me" night at times -- just to be tranquil and still and do their own thing. That always seemed normal to me. We all need to recharge in different ways, but if you (general you) find you have to play time games to keep your relationship interesting, the problem is either you or the relationship.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have rarely experienced boredom in my life, except when I was in a tedious lecture during school days.

 

I have never been bored with any of my relationships. I think that's because I don't tend to expect them, or the people I'm in them with, to keep me entertained.

 

That said, though, I like and need a LOT of time to myself. I would probably loose my mind if I didn't have it. My husband is the same.

 

OP, I have NEVER known people who "need" to spend every other weekend apart from their partners due to boredom. From my perspective, these people either must be the most boring folks on Earth themselves, or else it's time to ditch a miserable relationship.

[carhill]

I like intimacy so have rarely if ever become 'bored' with an intimate partner, not to be confused with frustrated with them, angry at them or hurt by them.

 

IMO, if someone is taking a 'break', it should be when the partnership is healthy and loving and include personally satisfying activities, for example when my exW would go to Vegas or the river with a group of girlfriends or I would go on a camping trip with my guy friends. Partners can enjoy their own space and still feel connected and relish the return to coupledom upon the end of the break.

 

Having experienced markedly unhealthy periods in my M, I would opine that a 'break' during such a period was not healthy nor productive for myself. For another person, it might be just the 'space' they need. We're all different. If the concept and act is synergistic in the relationship, then it works for that relationship. If other, other.

[manup]

For someone who doesn't want to get married, you sure care about monogamy (for the most part).

[WildHorses]

are you two headed? you're independent, don't need sombody to keep you entertained, rarely home. but you really are bored because you need a challenging relationship. challenge means drama to gals and gals have to have their drama. i've had enough of gals drama and the reason i deal with them at all is to satisfy my needs. a guy's gotta have sex.

 

When I speak of challenging, I'm not speaking of chaos. The part of that past relationship I liked, is that he pushed me to be the best I could be.

Edited April 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary

[carhill]

Perhaps an example of 'pushed me to be the best I could be' would be helpful.

 

As an example, I encouraged my exW, when she became frustrated in a shared salon environment, to start her own salon, and helped her purchase equipment and offered my services in construction and design. Ultimately, she chose to remain in the shared-type environment but changed 'culture' to a more synergistic one. I wanted her to succeed and facilitated that and challenged her along the way. Since we're divorced, evidently that style of challenge and support didn't turn out to be synergistic. We missed.

 

What I've noted in life is that many, if not most people I know seem to be predominantly centered on self and easily find others boring, simply because, like them, that person is centered on self as well. It makes sense that others would be boring in such circumstances. Perhaps that's what happens when the 'chemicals' wear off in a relationship and the real people emerge. I ran into this issue while married and actually did hear my exW complain that I was too interested in her life. I had/have a full life and enjoy it immensely so I take that as a set point and move on to interest in other's lives. That's my style. Perhaps she found that 'boring' and that's why she needed to get away. Perhaps she felt suffocated. If so, that would be a good lesson in both social dynamics and compatibility. Life's about lessons

[westrock]

When I speak of challenging, I'm not speaking of chaos. The part of that past relationship I liked, is that he pushed me to be the best I could be.

 

What do you mean by "he pushed me to be the best i could be?"

 

Do you mean that:

 

1. you admired parts of his qualities/accomplishments/personality that you didn't have (or weren't at your best) and as such you decided to push yourself to be the best you can be in the those areas?

 

2. he would be interested in your interests/goals in life and then he would tell (ie. push) you how to improve/fix those areas of your life to be the best you can be?

 

3. he pointed out your weaknesses, made you feel bad about yourself, and you would respond by wanting to improve yourself to try and be the best you can be (and try to win his approval)?

Edited April 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[LZ2000]

I recently heard from several men that every couple must take breaks from each other in order to not get sick/ bored of the relationship. By "take a break" I mean still be faithful to each other but not see or talk to each other for two weekends (or more) a month. And i'm not talking about having a guys night or going out with their friends. I mean literally being away from them even if it means sitting at home watching TV all weekend by yourself. (Mind you I know some of their girlfriends and these aren't the naggy crazy women you would imagine a man needs time away from.)

 

The way I see it, if you get sick of your partner, you shouldn't have to "take a breather" to be able to tolerate them. The answer should be to dump them. Right?

 

What surprised me, however, is that the more I have looked into this, the more I realized that it's very common (even among married couples). This strikes me as very strange. Lots of men have told me that it's normal to do this. I, however, think it's just an excuse to get a bit of "freedom" (singlehood) because you aren't happy in the relationship.

 

So I just wanted to ask...is this normal? Or is this just something people do to be "single" when they feel like it, and "in a relationship" when they don't find something better?

 

The more I hear that this is "normal" the more I am having second thoughts about dumping every single guy who couldn't keep my interest.

 

I don't think it is a case of "getting a bit of freedom", I think it is really a case of having enough time for oneself for individual growth, refocusing, contemplation, rediscovering yourself.

Edited April 14, 2012 by LZ2000
my original post is out of topic.