january2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 How do you get closure when the other party doesn't communicate? I think I got closure from HIM (I am and was pretty disgusted by his behaviour and never would have seen him again)...now it's an ego thing I guess...plus wondering how to improve myself so I notice red flags earlier and don't doubt about myself. Thanks for your answers!! In my opinion, closure happens when you don't care about the answers because they're no longer important. You've accepted the situation as is. In my experience, dumpees are rarely satisfied by the dumpers' explanations anyway. That's because, deep down, they're going to frame the explanation with their own biases regardless of what the dumper communicates. This suggests that it's not about the dumper giving a satisfactory explanation but more about the dumpee accepting the explanation, regardless of whether it seems satisfactory or not. That's closure. 1
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 one more comment before i hit the sack. it's a colossal waste of time to go for closure. it can keep you from moving on.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 If you don't want this to happen again you should watch out for the many red flags that you missed with this guy based on what you wrote. He only emails and chats but no face time. He told you he was considered this a relationship after 2 months even though you never met. (This one is a HUGE BIG OLD BLOOD RED FLAG) When you tried to meet him he backed off for a while. He's on the phone calling some one else "darling" He picks a fight and bails when he realized you are not going to have sex with him. Going forward you should date people who live in your area and get to know them while out on an actual date... not emailing and chatting for months without seeing them in person. so true...I'm too naive that's what I need to work on
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Wow! I'm glad I took time to write this long post. Thanks guys, your replies are eye openers to me. I shouldn't waste so much time focusing on what might be wrong with me plus whys and whys...just like you all say focus on red flags and what are the wants and don't wants! Time I woke up....
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 one more comment before i hit the sack. it's a colossal waste of time to go for closure. it can keep you from moving on. then what to do?Always thought closure was the way to end things and start again afresh
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 then what to do?Always thought closure was the way to end things and start again afresh just start afresh with a new guy and put old guy out of mind out of sight
bac Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I tried to get the story but I did not get it. Dating people in different states is not easy. I have not seen many men online who were willing to drive even 1 hr to see a girl unless they have already f...ked all other females nearby. But, from my experience, if he has replaced you so fast, he was not really exclusive with you. Also, it happens when a person cannot wait to break a R.
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Try an experiment: If a man hasn't moved to press flesh in a week, meaning set up a date or made travel plans, then move on. In today's environment of a instant communication and cheap travel, people are empowered to act on their interest quickly and efficiently. A sufficiently interested man will. Ignore all others. 2
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 he was using you. what exacty know knows. it's high time to get him out of mind. you're spending too much time analyzing him. don't waste time on last emails to guys you're broken up with, but use that time in mailing new guys. You couldn't be more right. The time I wasted sending him those two last mails is what frustrated me the most. At the time it felt like the only way I had to give him a piece of my mind (since he literally escaped leaving me there). In a way I'm happy I could at least let him know i wasn't as stupid as he had hoped + he was a disrespectful and dysfunctional person and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. In hindsight though it was only worth writing two lines not such a long mail. And very true, it helps to be more practical and use your energy on those that may deserve it, not losers huh...Hope I've learnt from this experience...it's a pretty ugly feeling to feel "disposable"
spookie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I'm not sure if anyone has pointed this out yet, but he sounds like a total train wreck. Has he bene diagnosed with any mental disorder that you know of? Becuase his behaivior is not normal for an emotionally-stable, grown man. 1
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Try an experiment: If a man hasn't moved to press flesh in a week, meaning set up a date or made travel plans, then move on. In today's environment of a instant communication and cheap travel, people are empowered to act on their interest quickly and efficiently. A sufficiently interested man will. Ignore all others. REAL interesting guide thanks!! read it all. I will make it my mantra (even if I need NLP) that men who make no effort to see you/spend time with you etc. are not worth a thought. There couldn't be a simpler equation, rationally I know it. Just have to get out of this useless schema (me and many of my girlfriends have) of trying to find a million hypotheses to justify the guy's action just to reassure yourself!!
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 I'm not sure if anyone has pointed this out yet, but he sounds like a total train wreck. Has he bene diagnosed with any mental disorder that you know of? Becuase his behaivior is not normal for an emotionally-stable, grown man. Thanks for yet another supportive comment that helps validate my perception! His treatment was so harsh and threw me completely to the point of making me doubt I must be at fault for such strong reactions from him. Looking back now (and the night he stormed off -I did show him the door when it got so out of hand and he couldn't believe I wasn't begging him to stay) I realised he must have some serious affective disorder...if not worse some serious personality issues. And I'm sure if he ever was diagnosed for anything he's the type who'd go in denial and blame others instead like a kid. Yup I guess I got a very lucky escape!
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 I tried to get the story but I did not get it. Dating people in different states is not easy. I have not seen many men online who were willing to drive even 1 hr to see a girl unless they have already f...ked all other females nearby. But, from my experience, if he has replaced you so fast, he was not really exclusive with you. Also, it happens when a person cannot wait to break a R. I never got the story either! felt like I got hit by a train! All I gathered is that indeed -like some pointed out - he has serious emotional issues and I can only feel lucky I didn't have time to develop strong feelings for him. Just a bruised ego
firehawk_1 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) underthemilkyway - just reading the title and your first paragraph - this is NOTHING compared to what women do to us guys. you replace us just like that, play games and go from one guy literally to the next and serial date. how do you think it makes us guys feel? then you wonder why you cant find decent guys....because they have been hurt, damaged and lost hope and faith because of how they get treated. its how it is now. it wouldnt be if there were decent gals but there ceases to exist im afraid. i personally now suffer health and some psychological problems because of women alone, literally, and how they have treated me and still treat me. no human should suffer but apperently, they should and "guys are scum". we then tell the truth but then she doesnt want to know and blames the man either way. damned if you do, damned if you dont I do all I can for the woman, whatever it is but she doesnt want to know or just plays games. ive lost complete faith because of such antics.... sorry I REALLY hope it works for you Edited April 14, 2012 by firehawk_1
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 OP, I actually developed my 'guide' from many years of experiences like the poster Firehawk_1 related. I'm older now and the pain has resolved but the wisdom gained remains.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 underthemilkyway - just reading the title and your first paragraph - this is NOTHING compared to what women do to us guys. you replace us just like that, play games and go from one guy literally to the next and serial date. how do you think it makes us guys feel? then you wonder why you cant find decent guys....because they have been hurt, damaged and lost hope and faith because of how they get treated. its how it is now. it wouldnt be if there were decent gals but there ceases to exist im afraid. i personally now suffer health and some psychological problems because of women alone, literally, and how they have treated me and still treat me. no human should suffer but apperently, they should and "guys are scum". I do all I can for the woman, whatever it is but she doesnt want to know or just plays games. ive lost complete faith because of such antics.... sorry NOPE! Guys are not scum! I'm sorry for what you are going through, believe me I can relate to you. I personally didn't mean to generalize that all men repalce women so quickly, maybe the title was wrong or written in a hurry. I know some very decent men who are serious about their women and committed to them. The same goes for many women...I personally never got rid of a guy to replace him asap with another as I tend to invest a lot in the relationship and naively maybe but feel I deserve the same treatment. After this last crazy relationship I am in NO hurry to date again, not until I'm ready. Way better to be single than with a wrong person. And personally I don't believe in the theory and practice many use that replacing someone asap is the way to heal. I'm not talking about first dates where one is allowed to move on if they're not compatible but about relationships. I can't help think of a marilyn manson song of "disposable people", unfortunately it seems like society is like this nowadays...one big supermarket...you replace an old phone with a new one and same with people.. But I truly believe there are very decent men and women out there...just having a tough time spotting them in last couple of years. I wish you to feel better soon!!!
firehawk_1 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 OP, I actually developed my 'guide' from many years of experiences like the poster Firehawk_1 related. I'm older now and the pain has resolved but the wisdom gained remains. jee thanks
firehawk_1 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 underthemilkyway - believe me, I completely understand. you have no idea what ive been through and how I feel recently because of the attitude from the opposite sex (im not meaning to put you down or blame you or anything! im just saying )
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 jee thanks Therapy and a failed marriage helped. Hope you don't have to go through that.
firehawk_1 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 carhill: I feel I need theropy for something that isnt my fault AT ALL i walk and get tomatoes and bullets chucked at me.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 OP, I actually developed my 'guide' from many years of experiences like the poster Firehawk_1 related. I'm older now and the pain has resolved but the wisdom gained remains. I hope to develop that wisdom carhill and also some detachment. I'd hate to do the same mistake again. And also adding to what firehawk shared one other problem is that things turn into a vicious cycle somehow...I often make the mistake to approach or be approached by men who seem more sensitive than average. They are more sensitive than average so you fall in the "trap" of thinking you can build a meaningful relationship. What happened to me 3 times though is that it is exactly these men who hurt you most or act unpredictable..b/c they have been previously hurt. So you end up creating additional hurt without intending to necessarily. When I refer to men in my posts btw i only do b/c I'm heterosexual not because I think men can hurt more than women! It applies to both genders
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 A man who is substantially invested in the relationship and sincerely interested in his partner won't replace her easily or quickly. We see stories like this all the time on LS, even married men who have been cheated on. They keep trying to work it out and find a solution to keep the relationship/marriage. OP, you might be looking for the phrase 'emotionally unstable' to describe some of the men you've encountered. Healthy relationships are often problematical for such people. Having experienced a bit of it myself during my M, I can say it's not a pleasant place to be. MC (therapy) really helped with that part.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 underthemilkyway - believe me, I completely understand. you have no idea what ive been through and how I feel recently because of the attitude from the opposite sex (im not meaning to put you down or blame you or anything! im just saying ) I think I can totally understand!!!! Even if our experiences might have been different. I'm still aching for the biggest love of my life and it's been 4 years! (It's not this guy I wrote about in the thread). It hurts so much b/c I honestly genuinely know and felt how much we loved each other and there was sooooo much potential between us. But he was hurt when he was in his late 20's and at the age of 42 he did me the "favour" to inform me -before stopping all contact with me - that the fear of further involvement/possible rejection was too strong and he couldn't handle it. He had the "decency" to tell me that he never meant to hurt me but he couldn't handle relationships anymore. I know through others he still cannot sustain a relationship, he just "freezes". And HOP something as pure and beautiful turned into a nightmare. Two more people to add to the list of those requiring therapy for ...having done nothing wrong
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 One doesn't have to do anything wrong to wish to make changes. Also, having experienced both paths, I found therapy (we had over a year of it) to 'work' far better when I wanted it as opposed to it being 'required'. The desire was the driving force of the work. Those men and their choices and behaviors are outside of your control, OP, even though they've perhaps hurt you greatly. Conversely, everything about you is completely within your control. You have choices. LS shares that you're not alone. It'll work out
firehawk_1 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) I was really expecting bashing/insults etc... to be thrown to me with my problems or TRUE comments which are REAL and of experience with strong substance. but its been good *touch wood*. carhill really is nice and understanding. on a side note: wish I could PM milky Moderator note: PM privileges attach at 100 posts and 30 days membership, or if a member subscribes. Edited April 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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