underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Hello not meaning to be judgemental at all with the title of this thread just totally lost as men I date don't seem to give feedback. This is the 3rd time it happens to me but I would appreciate advice from men (and women) on my last experience (which was WAY worse than the previous 2).. I started mailing with a guy met through a dating site few months ago and soon we began to chat 2-3 times a week (with videocam). Nothing sexual just getting to know each other. We'd spend hours chatting and he was so eager that for months he'd write me 2-3 mails per day. I clearly had to tell him more than once how much I appreciated his mails but couldn't possibly reply to each of them daily!!! After 2 months he wrote me he considered himself as in a relationship with me already (to which I replied we weren't 'cos we had never met in real life yet) and on 3rd month (of not having met yet...) he wanted me to move at his place. He said he felt he knew me already but i am by nature pretty aloof. We live at the border of 2 different states so easy to meet yet required planning if u see what I mean. Once I wrote him I was going to be in his area (true as I have friends there) and if he wanted to meet but he seemed to back off. He kept a low profile for 2 weeks then started writing me again 2-3 times per day. He seemed to become uneasy with videochatting but when i proposed to he made himself available to talk. 4 months later I wrote him the dates I'd be in his area and he seemed eager to meet me. Then he wrote me an "oops" mail when I was in his area to say he forgot he had his kids staying over a full week (the week I was there) but said he'd do his best to meet me. I found it a strange coincidence as he only has his kids over once every 2 weekends and he knew I was coming that week. So we met. He drove 90 kms to see me, we had a sweet first date (I wasn't head over heels but liked him as a person and thought something could develop with time). He then went out of his way to meet me again as often as possible during that week I was there (4 days out of 7 I was there driving 90 kms each time to see me) and drove me to many areas to show me around. He dropped his kids at his brother's for 3 nights and asked me not to judge me for that...(?!) and we took a trip up north. Since we drove such distances we spent a couple of nights in motels (sharing same room and bed but nothing happened except for kisses...I'm not prude but since he didn't hesitate to tell me he was in love with me after the 1st night spent together I wanted to test if his feelings were genuine...never was quite convinced. But we hugged and kissed and fell asleep in each other's arms). The 3rd night we spent together I was really tired after hours of driving and wasn't so talkative and he immediately got defensive saying he should drive me back the next day as he didn't feel desired and he felt I had other things to do (I had to meet my girl friend at some stage whom I hadn't seen yet but I told him that days before). He then got a call from his ex in front of me and started calling her "darling" in front of me 3-4 times. I ignored that even though it bothered me and I tried to explain to him he misunderstood me and I was just exhausted and didn't understand his reaction but he got aggressive (he also had smoked a lot of pot -I don't smoke btw don't know if that had an influence) and we got nto an argument. I explained things to him over and over calmly, that it had nothing to do with him that I was just tired but he got mad at me and...stormed off the hotel room in the middle of the night (!!!) Never to come back. I was worried about him and called him to see he was ok as he was driving home in the middle of the night (miles to drive) and he accused me of kicking him out. Eventually I took the train back home (he never called me nor worried I was ok nor nything). Stupid that I am I wrote him a long mail to tell him that I didn't like things to end that way and that there had been a misunderstanding. He wrote me back within an hour a very long mail saying he had feelings for me and felt hurt. We videochatted the next day but he seemed uneasy when I asked him questions about his reaction and confronted him about standing me up (he basically did). He said he had to get back to work and had to hang up. I said ok (that's all I said but I was thinking: doesn't he want to fix things if he says he's in love?) and his last sentence was: "I know you suspect I'm up to something other than work but you are paranoid, I seriously have to work but I have to walk on eggshells with you!" I said I ddin't suspect him of anything and we hung up. I wrote him another mail (I told him it was my final mail to him to at least make closure and tell him he misunderstood most of what I did/said) and he never wrote back. One of the last things he told me was that he never wanted a relationship again, that he wasn't good at them and with women and that after 18 yrs with the same woman he didn't know how to behave with women. One month later I find out he is in a relationship. I found that on the net. I can't verify if it is true or not although I don't see why he should make it up. I do know he checked my profiles on the net more than once. Two days ago I deleted him from skype completely and yesterday he wrote he was in a relationship. The above are just facts, it might mean a lot or nothing. I never loved the guy but I am going crazy as I don't understand his behaviour/intentions...was he genuine when he said he was in love with me or was he leading me on while having other women? If he was genuine why disappear like that and one month later he's already in a relationship? And how can he go from asking me to move in with him before meeting me in person to saying he's in love when he meets me to such a weird and bitter end? I feel I was on a rollercoaster, what you think his motives were? I feel I'm going crazy trying to understand, did i do something wrong or...just what happened? I'd be grateful for your opinion as I'm pretty confused and this thing affected my self esteem. Thanks for reading me and if you can reply!!!
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 sorry meant : help me understand in the thread title
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 is my thread too long to deserve a reply? sigh
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 get a new guy. if you want a relationship you're gonna have to work at it. you might have to go through boatloads of guys to find your ideal. 1
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 get a new guy. if you want a relationship you're gonna have to work at it. you might have to go through boatloads of guys to find your ideal. Err..that's a bit vague...you mean I'm at fault or he's weird?
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Err..that's a bit vague...you mean I'm at fault or he's weird? he was at fault but time to move on and try again. too many gals get utterly fixated on their worst experience instead of moving forward. it didn't work out with this guy so go for a new one. if that doesn't work, go for another. if you want a price you'll have to kis lots of frogs.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 he was at fault but time to move on and try again. too many gals get utterly fixated on their worst experience instead of moving forward. it didn't work out with this guy so go for a new one. if that doesn't work, go for another. if you want a price you'll have to kis lots of frogs. Yup I agree and I wouldn't want him back if he begged. I'm just confused as to what happened!! I only found out yesterday he's in a relationship so it got me thinking whether he was in 2 shoes or really liked me or was just lonely...just wanted to understand the dynamics as I got no feedback from him. I think it is the least to let a person know why you don't want to pursue a relationship and not to dump them in a hotel room?
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 you ignored when he called his ex darling time after time. if you're gonna meet the right guy, you have got to get rid of guys who do something egregious. call him out on it and if continues, that's it and on to the next guy.
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Yup I agree and I wouldn't want him back if he begged. I'm just confused as to what happened!! I only found out yesterday he's in a relationship so it got me thinking whether he was in 2 shoes or really liked me or was just lonely...just wanted to understand the dynamics as I got no feedback from him. I think it is the least to let a person know why you don't want to pursue a relationship and not to dump them in a hotel room? chalk it up to experience. how could he consider himself to be in a relationship when you haven't even met. it was bright red flag mania. read what you wrote and you'll see that he should have been through out quickly. practice and be nice just to guys that are nice to you. if guys are asses throw their sorry ass out.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 you ignored when he called his ex darling time after time. if you're gonna meet the right guy, you have got to get rid of guys who do something egregious. call him out on it and if continues, that's it and on to the next guy. It's what I did afterwards...I guess it's the reason he was in a hurry to hang up (after denying 10 times he called her darling), so wrote him goodbye. But was I supposed to interrupt their conversation to shout "you called her darling?" And what's the reason for him doing that in front of me? Don't men usually do these things behind your back???? Is the guy sick and was trying to test me or what?
january2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I think it is the least to let a person know why you don't want to pursue a relationship and not to dump them in a hotel room? No, that's in an ideal world. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. No one owes anyone an explanation for break-ups outside of some courts of law and usually only when there's money, children and other legal ties involved. I'm sorry that you're unhappy but I think that you're unlikely to get closure from him and any (further) attempts at contact and closure are just going to leave you even more confused and upset. Further impacting badly on your already fragile self-esteem. Closure is a gift that we give ourselves. You met a guy who wasn't right for you. As prune juice posted, you may have to meet a few more who aren't quite right until you find someone who is.
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It's what I did afterwards...I guess it's the reason he was in a hurry to hang up (after denying 10 times he called her darling), so wrote him goodbye. But was I supposed to interrupt their conversation to shout "you called her darling?" And what's the reason for him doing that in front of me? Don't men usually do these things behind your back???? Is the guy sick and was trying to test me or what? no you don't interrupt. you end it the next day. it was all part of a pattern of bright red flags. when you see too many you end things. just tell him things aren't working out between us. the reason for him doing it in front of you is that he's an ass. lots of guys don't do that and guys come in all types. if you keep getting asses, time to reevaluate why that's happening.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 No, that's in an ideal world. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. No one owes anyone an explanation for break-ups outside of some courts of law and usually only when there's money, children and other legal ties involved. I'm sorry that you're unhappy but I think that you're unlikely to get closure from him and any (further) attempts at contact and closure are just going to leave you even more confused and upset. Further impacting badly on your already fragile self-esteem. Closure is a gift that we give ourselves. You met a guy who wasn't right for you. As prune juice posted, you may have to meet a few more who aren't quite right until you find someone who is. You're right I'm a dreamer. I always thought people deserved an explanation. Point is though...I got closure...as I wrote I never contacted him again nor plan to...and it doesn't hurt. But what I need to know is what game was he playing??? What was his motive? I need to know this for myself, not to get him back (as I wrote I never had strong feelings for him). So if I was at fault I can correct my behaviour for a next time...although I suspect I'm not totally at fault...I'm posting on this forum so impartial readers can give the feedback he had no balls to give :-(
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 You're right I'm a dreamer. I always thought people deserved an explanation. Point is though...I got closure...as I wrote I never contacted him again nor plan to...and it doesn't hurt. But what I need to know is what game was he playing??? What was his motive? I need to know this for myself, not to get him back (as I wrote I never had strong feelings for him). So if I was at fault I can correct my behaviour for a next time...although I suspect I'm not totally at fault...I'm posting on this forum so impartial readers can give the feedback he had no balls to give :-( he was at fault. this wasn't you at all. he exhibited bright red flag behavior. you can't let guys get away with this crap. it never was anything. reread your post for his red flags. not meeting after two months with 2-3 emails a day is suspicious. saying he was in love with you after one night. the darling thing. him storming out and him accusing you of kicking him out. this wasn't a relatship. what you gotta do is notice these red flags and when a guy displays too many, say it aint working and that's that.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 no you don't interrupt. you end it the next day. it was all part of a pattern of bright red flags. when you see too many you end things. just tell him things aren't working out between us. the reason for him doing it in front of you is that he's an ass. lots of guys don't do that and guys come in all types. if you keep getting asses, time to reevaluate why that's happening. Hmm...bright red flags...in hindsight the main one was him asking me to move in with him w/o knowing me in person...plus saying he was in love the 1st night...which is why I tested him. The "darling" thing was more than enough for me so I went to sleep but he went mad and woke me up to argue...The 3 previous months he seemed so normal and always sent consistent signals...that's why I was left so confused. Some people are so good at acting and hiding things which is what "bashes you in the head"... all these red flags I got at the end all together so I started wondering if he wanted to get rid of me b/c he met someone else in meantime? Still he wouldn't have said no to sex if it happened before "throwing me away"??
january2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Point is though...I got closure...as I wrote I never contacted him again nor plan to...and it doesn't hurt. But what I need to know is what game was he playing??? What was his motive? I need to know this for myself, not to get him back (as I wrote I never had strong feelings for him). So if I was at fault I can correct my behaviour for a next time...although I suspect I'm not totally at fault...I'm posting on this forum so impartial readers can give the feedback he had no balls to give :-( I'm going to have to disagree with you there. The manner of your questioning and the fact that you state it's affecting your self-esteem suggests that you don't have closure. As impartial readers, we can only speculate about his motives. We don't know you, nor do we know him. We're not mindreaders, unfortunately. I think the lesson worth taking from all this is that there are some red flags that you need to look out for in future dating scenarios and some new information about what you do/don't like when it comes to dates and relationsships.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 he was at fault. this wasn't you at all. he exhibited bright red flag behavior. you can't let guys get away with this crap. it never was anything. reread your post for his red flags. not meeting after two months with 2-3 emails a day is suspicious. saying he was in love with you after one night. the darling thing. him storming out and him accusing you of kicking him out. this wasn't a relatship. what you gotta do is notice these red flags and when a guy displays too many, say it aint working and that's that. Thanks! It puts things into perspective My last mail to him was to tell him not to contact me at all unless he had something meaningful to say. And it was meant. But still...what the HECK did he want from me????
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Hmm...bright red flags...in hindsight the main one was him asking me to move in with him w/o knowing me in person...plus saying he was in love the 1st night...which is why I tested him. The "darling" thing was more than enough for me so I went to sleep but he went mad and woke me up to argue...The 3 previous months he seemed so normal and always sent consistent signals...that's why I was left so confused. Some people are so good at acting and hiding things which is what "bashes you in the head"... all these red flags I got at the end all together so I started wondering if he wanted to get rid of me b/c he met someone else in meantime? Still he wouldn't have said no to sex if it happened before "throwing me away"?? not meeting in person for three months was a terrible idea. long distance rarely works. if you would have meet sooner you would have seen the red flags sooner. you should have gotten rid of him sooner is all there is to it. experience is what will show you how to identify red flags, so you won't waste months dating a loser guy. start looking for a new guy now and before long you'll forget about old guy. someone locally that you can meet in person within a week i'd advise.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Both guesses but: He's still with his purported ex.You didn't put out so he left in a huff.
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 I'm going to have to disagree with you there. The manner of your questioning and the fact that you state it's affecting your self-esteem suggests that you don't have closure. As impartial readers, we can only speculate about his motives. We don't know you, nor do we know him. We're not mindreaders, unfortunately. I think the lesson worth taking from all this is that there are some red flags that you need to look out for in future dating scenarios and some new information about what you do/don't like when it comes to dates and relationsships. How do you get closure when the other party doesn't communicate? I think I got closure from HIM (I am and was pretty disgusted by his behaviour and never would have seen him again)...now it's an ego thing I guess...plus wondering how to improve myself so I notice red flags earlier and don't doubt about myself. Thanks for your answers!!
Author underthemilkyway6 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Both guesses but: He's still with his purported ex.You didn't put out so he left in a huff. First things I thought! Then I thought I was being too cynical...darn...people have an instinct for a reason right?
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks! It puts things into perspective My last mail to him was to tell him not to contact me at all unless he had something meaningful to say. And it was meant. But still...what the HECK did he want from me???? he was using you. what exacty know knows. it's high time to get him out of mind. you're spending too much time analyzing him. don't waste time on last emails to guys you're broken up with, but use that time in mailing new guys.
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 First things I thought! Then I thought I was being too cynical...darn...people have an instinct for a reason right? she may be right, but it doesn't matter. he wasn't for you. you can do much better.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 First things I thought! Then I thought I was being too cynical...darn...people have an instinct for a reason right?Yes, particularly women. We have them for a reason. I wouldn't obsess about this guy for long. He's not quite right in the head.
Yookie Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 If you don't want this to happen again you should watch out for the many red flags that you missed with this guy based on what you wrote. He only emails and chats but no face time. He told you he was considered this a relationship after 2 months even though you never met. (This one is a HUGE BIG OLD BLOOD RED FLAG) When you tried to meet him he backed off for a while. He's on the phone calling some one else "darling" He picks a fight and bails when he realized you are not going to have sex with him. Going forward you should date people who live in your area and get to know them while out on an actual date... not emailing and chatting for months without seeing them in person.
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