What dose she want from me

[dandare2020]

Hi all Just join this site and already after advice lol

 

Bascally i have just split (two weeks today) up from my girlfriend of three years well she split up with me and i will admit it is my fault. I have messed up in so many ways i will try and tell the story and i'm just after some guidance please

 

My ex is 9 years younger than me i'm 30 she is 21 but very grown up for her age. we have been going out for 3 years and lived together for 1 year at my parents house. The first 2.5 years were great we had our arguments but who doesn't but the last few months i have let her down massivly.

 

I haven't cheated or anything like that mainly it's been a few little white lies about stuipd stuff that she always finds out about and then the final nail in the coffin was i didn't tell her somthing and she found out from one of her family members. The same day she left and went to stay at a friends. The other thing is that i ahve been tired alot recently and not gave her anywhere near the attention she deserves. I am working on this doing more exercise and i am feeling better.

 

The relationship was a commited relationship and she always wanted to settle down and kids and marraige etc I did want these things but never really showed or followed up on this. The day she left i decided to give her some space we had a bit of contact but not much she was stopping at her friends until some family members came back from holiday so she could move in there.

 

The day she was to move in we had a converstation and she was in two minds what to do i gave her the choice i didn't want to push her. Looking back this was a mistake i should have tried harder there and then. But she decided to move in with her family. I still gave her time then last thursday i went away for a few days with family and the first day thier i just broke down and thats where it goes from bad to worse.

 

I started begging and pleading with her to take me back sending texts emails everything constantly asking for another chance in the end she said to me there was no futre and the she loved me but wasn't in love with me and she just wanted to be single for a while. This just made me worse i went over the edge and started pleading more and sending the flowers etc at this point she said she would meet up with me and tell me to my face.

 

I met with her wednesday just gone but i had decided to change my tack. I realised what a fool i was being and that my actions would just push her away. When we met up i started of by saying how sorry i was about the way i had been acting the last few days and that it wouldn't happen again. I also told her i loved her and she would always have a special place in my heart and that i way extremly sorry for what i had done in the first place.

 

We then went for a coffee and had a good time consdiering but i did keep catching her looking into my eyes then shyly turning away. She then said to me she had to be nasty with some of the things she said to make me understand . I don't know if this means she didn't mean them or what. She also said she did miss me at the begining but was ok now apart from she has to sleep next to some pillows at night i don't know if she was just being strong. We parted on good terms. At this stage i decided to back of I decided i would inatiate no more contact i would let her contact me.

 

Within a few hours she texted asking if i was ok i just said yes are you. She asked why i not texted and i said i thought she wanted me not to which she kind of made a joke out of. I texted her no more that night then thursday morning i was determind not to text her which i didn't. The thing is i was always texting her last thing at night to say night and first thing in the morning to say good morning but i didn't do that wednsday night or thursday morning. Then at 8 this morning when she knew i would be up i get a text saying hope you have a good first day back at work and i'll text you tomorrow to let me know how she gets on at her driving test. All i put back was I'm sure i'll be busy and good look on your test which she then thanked me for. I was determined not to text again my only thought was that she would text me after the driving test but in fairness i had it in my mind to wish her luck again this morning but leave it till quite late. We anyway i left it and by 10 this morning she texted me i was in a bit of shock she asked if she had any letters and she would text to let me know. It just seemed a text for no reason. We had orginal planned to meet saturday but we met wednesday so i didn't know if she was hopeing she had some letters for an excuss to meet it just seemed wierd she knows i would not forget to wish her luck no matter what was going off so this confused me. She did later on text me to say she passed and i congratulated her. I have left it since then and back to the not contacting her first.

 

What do you guys/girls think am i doing the right thing to get her back i love her so much and we can be so good together i'm going crazy and just want to go back to how i was last week pleading with her which i know is silly. Or do you think this is over. All in we will have been apart 2 weeks tomorrow

 

Many Thanks

 

Dan

[confused kitty]

Firstly welcome to LS and Im very sorry about your breakup!

 

Dont beat yourself up for doing the whole begging and chasing thing, most of us on here are guilty of that at some point.

 

My advice to you is to keep doing what your doing, its clearly working. By you not texting her she sees your not needy and begging her to forgive you, instead she sees you as a strong man who accepted her wishes for space etc, Now shes curious and finding reasons to text you, let her..

 

This is what you want right?? For her to come back to you because she respects you and possibly wants to try again OR you could continue to chase after her and beg her to forgive you and take you back, and she possibly may do that - But it would be for ALL the wrong reasons, shed more that likely give in and agree to take you back out of guilt and end up resenting you in the long run and ending it for good then. As it is, you parted on good terms and thats always a bonus.

 

Continue to reply to her but only when she texts you first, dont be too short with her though as she may take that as a sign that your over her and moving on, be friendly and try keep conversations light and fun. You must not talk about the relationship or break up, if she brings it up well and good, but you shouldnt.

 

Hope some of that helps

[dandare2020]

Thank you for your reply. Thats the way i was looking at it if i kept pleading etcshe might come back out of pitty and i don't want that. Im intrested to see if she texts tomorrow.

 

The whole light and fun texting is kind of how we started in the first place 3 years ago. I had lost my mojo for a while and wasn't fun anymore but i'm working on getting that back and hope she see thats.

 

Many Thanks For your help

 

Dan

[confused kitty]

Eaxctly, you need to show her the fun guy she fell for originally, its very easy after time to become complacent and take people for granted, you see that now so learn from it.

All the best Dan , keep us posted

[dandare2020]

What to do now?

 

So i'm just walking to meet my brother and my phone beeps it's my ex texting me asking if she can come round tomorrow to pick up a coat for work on monday. I'm like sure no worries what time you thinking (I will point out she has left a few things her still but i thought she had took all her clothes) She says she's not sure but she is meeting her sister at 3:30 so she could come before or after depending when i was free. I'm there thinking she will just pop in and pick up the coat and go. I tell her i'll be in at about 3 (Her sister is only 20 mins away) She then texts back say oh i might have to come after then. I ask what time she was looking at come and she say 2-230 ish. At this point somthing clicks in my head and i say well if you want to come after and you can have some tea if you wish. There are a few more texts asking various questions but then she reply "thanks but she don't want to rush back from seeing her sister to have tea and that she might be having tea there anyway. I'm like ok no worries if you come later and your hungy i'll sort tea out if not never mind. I then said that my plans had changed and i would be in at 1 she said she has dinner at 1 and if she has time she will come before and get here for about 2-230 if not she will come later on.

 

Im not sure what to think of this and how to act tomorrow when she comes. Any advice

 

Many Thanks

 

Dan

[sweetheart5381]

What to do now?

 

So i'm just walking to meet my brother and my phone beeps it's my ex texting me asking if she can come round tomorrow to pick up a coat for work on monday. I'm like sure no worries what time you thinking (I will point out she has left a few things her still but i thought she had took all her clothes) She says she's not sure but she is meeting her sister at 3:30 so she could come before or after depending when i was free. I'm there thinking she will just pop in and pick up the coat and go. I tell her i'll be in at about 3 (Her sister is only 20 mins away) She then texts back say oh i might have to come after then. I ask what time she was looking at come and she say 2-230 ish. At this point somthing clicks in my head and i say well if you want to come after and you can have some tea if you wish. There are a few more texts asking various questions but then she reply "thanks but she don't want to rush back from seeing her sister to have tea and that she might be having tea there anyway. I'm like ok no worries if you come later and your hungy i'll sort tea out if not never mind. I then said that my plans had changed and i would be in at 1 she said she has dinner at 1 and if she has time she will come before and get here for about 2-230 if not she will come later on.

 

Im not sure what to think of this and how to act tomorrow when she comes. Any advice

 

Many Thanks

 

Dan

 

Just be yourself - the smart, funny guy she fell in love with. Play it cool and do whatever it takes to make her smile without it looking like an effort (no pressure there ). She will sense if you are "putting on a show" and that's the last thing you want her to think. Just be you, the person she knows.

 

Let her take the lead in conversation and behaviour and follow accordingly without getting too emotional about anything (if you do that will lead to her feeling pressure/guilty about bringing up a touchy subject building a wall so to speak).

 

Good luck tomorrow.

[dandare2020]

well i don't know what to say about how it went.

 

She ended up coming with her sister who i do get on with. She came in and we talked a bit for like 5 mins about what we had been up to then she said that there bus was due soon and did i want to walk with them. So i did and it seemed like we where still a couple we had a laugh and she hit me lol i then stood there with them to the bus came and she said she had been dreaming about me but never told me what about. Later on she texted me saying she was glad i seemed ok today and i put i'm trying and shethen but sorry if you feel like ive messed you up and i put. "No i did it to myself just wished i realised andwish i realised sooner and changed things. I understand and respect your descision. you where a big part of my then and look now you would have been forever, my first ever regret in my life from a man that regrets nothing. I need to change my life and thats what im doing". She then put that she was going to bed cos she was up early in the morning.

Later on her sister who had been there at the bus stop and with her that afternoon was on facebook and started talking to me. Basically the conversation went something like this. She asked if i was missing her and i said yes and she said you never know given a bit of time you never know. I said i was changin my life and hope she would notice and think of me again she said that the best attitude to have.

 

Not sure if this is a step forward or not

 

Cheers

 

dan

[confused kitty]

Dan your doing just fine, in my opinion this is a step further, her sister was sussing out if your still interested or not, you handled the situation perfectly. Keep going as you are and work on bettering yourself. Good Luck :-)

[dandare2020]

Thanks for your reply. I have to be honest i have had a set back tonight. I had quit smoking but i let it slip tonight i had one fag after 4 days and then to make thinks worse i had 2 drinks and a play on the bandit. I feel so so bad. I was doing so well. I don't know what happen. Me and ex was texting each other last night and it was flirty etc and then i heard nothing today i think we are both playing the same thing now the NC and see who breaks first. I have agreed to go out at the weekend with some friends but know where i would rather be. I don't know why but i'm really hurting today i wanted to go crazy and obsessive so much again today. i think thats why i have done what i have done. Now i'm in the situation do i tell her what ive dont and be honest or just chalk it up to experience and move on it was a one off im changing a lot in my life and set backs happen. my only concern is that if i chalk it to experiance will i just think i have a reason to get away with it again which i defo do not want but i'm thinking like this so i understand what ive done and can move on and not let it happen again. Im not sure what to do. If people knew me they would never belive i could be like this. Im so out going and free and live a life of no regrets. But this women just has me, not just me but my head and my heart im so much a mess and i feel i have made the first regret in my life at 30. Sorry for going on just need to release.

 

Thanks Dan

[dandare2020]

Ps i have to say thanks again. This site is amazing and once i'm sorted i will be so happy to help as many as i can. Not only can i get advice but i can vent and release my pain

 

Thank you all

 

XXX

[confused kitty]

No need to Thank us Dan, we have all been there at one point and know exactly what your going through. Dont beat yourself up over one slip up, climb back up on ur horse and start again!

I know exactly how you feel when you describe how she has a grip of your head and heart, my ex changed me into someone that felt things on a much deeper level, before him I was care free and living my life purely for myself (perhaps abit selfishly looking back now) I fully understand the heartache and torment your going through right now, just remember your not on your own...

Stay strong