jnd Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I apologize for it being super long but I wanted to give all the details- and also for a lot of grammar issues. The main questions I have are in the last 3 "paragraphs" if you want to skip the long story! Let me start by saying we've been together for over 7 years. We've lived together basically since we've started dating (including buying a house- which is in his name, I pay smaller bills, food, cook, and clean as my share). We have never been in any huge fights until recently. When I was in college, I had a crazy schedule and would stay up late nights. He worked a full time job, got up early. I do recall some nights he said I'd keep him up, and I'd just try to be quiet going to bed. He sleeps a lot heavier than I do, so in my opinion and of how many times he's said I woke him up, it's uncompariable to what's going on now. Well now I've been working full time and he owns his own business. Since he doesn't have to get up early like I do, he goes out a lot with friends, at their houses, goes to bars, etc. I don't like it. Yes, ok, I am jealous that he gets to do that. But I worry about him when he goes out. I can be a light sleeper as it is, even lighter when he's out. I can't sleep at night until he comes home. If I do sleep, no matter how quiet he is he always wakes me up whether it's his car door, the front door, or him coming into the room. All I want is to him to come to bed, but sometime he even sleeps on the couch. I worry about him because of the chance of him drinking and driving, I don't like that he smokes sooo much when he's with friends, and even more when he drinks. I just feel that he makes stupid decisions when I'm not out with him. Yes, I understand he's a grown man (I'm 24 he's 27), but I just don't like it. To add to the issue I cannot stand his best friend (I try to because of the fact that he's his best friend), and he's been hanging out more with a girl friend of ours we'll call *sally which I know he's liked in the past but nothing ever happened that i know of and they're just good friends. I'm not worried about her taking him from me, but I feel like because of the way our relationship has been going, he's going to want to be with her over me (I could be taking that idea too far, but I guess it could be a possibility). So my problem is he says I'm controlling. He lies a lot- mostly about when he'll be home and where he is. All I ask of him is to come home at a decent time so he doesn't keep me up at night worrying about him. He doesn't see this as a problem. He says "well you've done it to me so many times", i told him ok, well you've paid me back, now stop. We have gotten to the point in the past week where we've yelled at each other, at like 5 am when he got home. I get up at 6:45 for work and I told him I especially dont like when he comes home when I have less than 2 hours of sleep left. Well that night I thought he was in the living room, but then it got quiet. I got out of bed and he wasn't home (this was like 20 minutes after I went to bed, never fell asleep). The back door was unlocked, which it didn't occur till after I called him that he "snuck out" the back. I called him and he said he was just running to the store. Then I said "you coming home? I haven't been asleep yet." He said he thought I was already alsleep and didn't want to wake me. I told him I wasn't and please come home soon. He then said he wants to stay out. I asked if he could come home at a decent time because he keeps me up. He then got mad and it got to yelling and he said "I'm going to stay out with my friends do what i want and come home when i want". I asked if he could come home in the next hour or so and he said stop giving him curfews. I agree, he's right, but I need to sleep at some point so don't come home at like 4 am. Well it got to the point where I screamed at him if you're not home by 12 i'm not your girlfriend anymore (i've never threatened that before but he had me so upset i can't believe i said it nor thought of how hard a break up would be). So not only did he come home at like 4 am, he brought the best friend and *sally, went outback (which our room is in the back of the house so i can hear them) and tried to start up the firepit. I was furious, had yet to be asleep, stormed outside, knocked over the logs/sticks (fire wasn't lit yet) and screamed 'you've kept me up all f'ing night'. They talked for a bit (I eavesdropped or whatever it's called), he took them home and must've talked for a bit because he came home like an hour later. We got into a huge arguement, I was standing in the hallway waiting for him. I didnt go to work the next day because i had no sleep. I did check his texts though, and come to find out not only was he lying about "just going to the store", the whole time before he even left he was planning on hitting up a local bar with the best friend and sally. We didn't really talk at all that next day. So then the next night through texting he says he's at his business partners house (an hour away) and he's basically not going to make it home for dinner (that morning when i left for work he was still up working from home and i told him i had dinner already prepared for that night, he said ok). Well I texted him that's fine the dinner can be another night but talking can't wait. I didnt get a response to that text. So when i was going to bed i texted wake me when u get home so we can talk. No response. 1 am rolls around and i hear him quietly trying to get home and sleep on the couch. I went out and started talking to him (2 hours of this, I tried to not get mad because at least he was doing something constructive) which turned into him saying he's done trying to fix our relationship. He says we've tried for weeks, but I told him him lying to me and making me into the "controlling person that i am" isnt trying. (We've said before- like 2 weeks prior- that we should take a break, be together but live seperately, he'd go stay at his dad's, but that never happened. This time when we were talking about it, I didn't like the idea bacause I couldn't go without talking to him, it drove me crazy the day before that we didn't talk, and I don't see how not being around each other is going to fix things. we need to communicate) Also, he says i "suffocate" him. He thinks because we live together is spending time together. I don't see that. I want to spend quality time together and do stuff. Even eating dinner together counts. He said in the argument the night before that i get mad when i'm not included and how i drive him crazy because of it (which goes back to he goes out at night when i'm trying to sleep). So back to the story- he got to the point where he said we're done and of course I was devastated. I cried and tried to reason with him why won't you give it a chance. So then i couldn't sleep (he passed out shortly after), and decided to check his texts. Yes, this is how ive caught him lying before, and just to see what he's up to. I dont think it's right, is it ok to do this you think? Well i find texts to his best friend of "me and sally are at so and so", among other texts, at the time he told me he was at his business partners house. I was so angry he took advantage of knowing i wouldn't get mad if he was working on his business, to only use it as a cover up for going out to a bar. So he skipped out on dinner at home with me, lied about working on his business at the partner's house, met up downtown with *sally, which eventually led to him sally, best friend and best friend's f*ck buddy, ignored my texts, calls, and such all night, then comes home and tries to just go to sleep. Well i was furious again over reading this. Knowing i couldnt sleep, i made up a story of a girl i used to work with saw him downtown with another girl, as a way to cover me checking his texts. So I ripped the blankets off him (scared the crap out of him) and started screaming at him of how I found out about this lie, how i thought it was messed up he skipped out on dinner with me, his lies get more complex, and i accuse him of cheating (yes, i knew it was sally, but i had to pretend to not know it was her b/c i didn't want him to get suspicious of me reading texts then him not leaving his phone around) it did look like it though if u think about it. so he has this awfully ashamed look on his face. Bingo. I finally get him to feel like sh*it about himself and hope he now sees how his actions/lies are getting our relationship out of control, and how i act controlling and crazy because of what he does. it takes an hour and half before he tells me the truth (in that i screamed, flipped out, the worst i ever have with him). so then he goes to lay down in bed. i THINK i got to him that he needs to change. i tell him i know i need to as well, but it needs to start with him not lying anymore and i will try to not get upset when he goes out without me. i asked if we can be together and try to work through it he said ok. Earlier that night before the texts/"cheating" when we were talking about our relationship and he was "done trying to fix it", he said he cant stop lying cuz that's who he is/what he does. he said he's done it to his mom, dad, brother, he can't change it (i took it as he cant change for family how can he for me). the next day he was home all night, we had dinner, watched tv, fell asleep early on the couch (he did). i figured one last time look at his phone to see if best friend is trying to get him to go out somewhere, because i know he called not long ago, and i was planning on deleting that text if he did ask to go out. well i woke him up. all i could manage to get out was "it was bothering me". he took his phone and tucked it under him. shortly later i went to bed. well he was up for about 15 minutes before he came to bed. i checked his phone this morning- all texts were deleted except to his business partner and me. he hadn't deleted texts since he's had this replacement phone, which was february, so my guess is he thinks/knows what i'm doing? So I'm worried about this weekend how it'll turn out. It's Friday, I work tomorrow (which is a once a month thing) and i don't know if he knows or not. but if he does want to go out i feel obligated to go. i like to get a decent night sleep before work, but if i can't sleep while he's out i figure why not just go with him? during the week i probably wouldn't but it's friday. if it's with the best friend and f*ck buddy which it tends to be if they go to a bar i have a feeling it's gonna be a crappy time out. I'm finding a hard time trusting him. In return I feel I'm still going to have a huge problem with him out when I'm not. How do I not be so controlling when it seems to stem from his lying, when I'm not sure if it's going to stop? How can I stop getting so mad/jealous when he goes out at night? This may sound like a horrible situation, and I don't want to break up, so please instead of saying just leave him, I'm looking for positive construction of how to fix us. As I said we live together, I can't imagine moving out. Although the house is in his name/he pays mortgage, I pay my fair share in other areas as stated above. I feel this is my home just as much as it's his. I also don't see me being with anyone but him, anywhere but in this house. We even not that long ago here and there talked about getting married. We every now and then have brought up what we'd do with our kids. He is my life. I have spent the past 7 years, since I was 17 with him. I don't want to lose him, but I feel like I'm treading on thin ice and in an instant it could be over in one arguement.
thatone Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 you can't change anyone. no one can give you the answer you want.
veggirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 First of all, he's cheating on you with Sally, who apparently is his surrogate GF even to his friends (the texts "Sally and I are XYZ" etc). Second, your BF doesn't care about this relationship and has completely checked out. You haven't got him to realize a thing because he doesn't CARE. Third, the sneaking around, the lies (on both ends) are out of control. The screaming is unacceptable. Fourth, together 7 yrs, are there plans to marry? Fifth...break up.... your BF is cheating on you and doesn't want to be in this relationship and is a lying sneak.
Author jnd Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 To VegGirl: First: I can see it happening, for now I don't want to accept it till there's proof. I'm friends with her as well, and for now I hope it's not happening. Second: I agree with you 100% Third: agree once again Fourth:we've talked about it, but he's always never seemed ready. his parents divorced, they got together young, and he doesn't want to repeat that. the last time we talked about it, i was planning on doing grad school then after that seemed like a good idea to. so that was about 2 years down the road. Fifth: 'same as my response in first'
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