Egychick Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I'm going crazy! Seriously! I have been in a relationship with my guy for what will be a year, after a couple of days. Sometimes, we're able to joke and be happy around eachother. We go to church together and to different church activities. All his friends know about me. He is African and I'm American. However, right now, he is a bit down on his luck because he is looking for a new football contract. Anyway, sometimes he says things that really hurt me, like: "I'm not sure if I love you.", I don't know if I am happy with you.", Today he said, I'm not his girlfriend because I don't make him feel like I am." When I tried to tell him I love him, he told me it was fake. I tell him that I love him, not everyday, but most of the time, but he doesn't believe me. I am always there to help him, financially at times. Anything he wants, he gets, except we do not sleep together anymore, because I took a vow to God not to have sex again until after marriage. But no matter what I do to help him, even if his friends don't even do 25% of what I do, he's never happy. It's never enough. We'll be talking and then all of a sudden, he'll snap, and ignore me, not look at me, I ask him to look at me when I'm talking, and he says he only does that for his mother! I have to repeat my self 20 times before he gives me a 1 word answer! Yet if I did that to him, he'd be the 1st to yell at me. Everywhere I go, no matter with whom, I have to tell him. He questions me like crazy. If I don't line my words up exactly so that he can understand, he gets upset and insults me and tells me I don't know how to use the English language. I'm the one with the advanced degree when he didn't even finish college! He even told me today, when he gets money, he'll find another girl. And then he said, that I'd probably do the same. Then in the next breath, he'll say he loves me and needs me and wants to be with me. And then when I refer to the nice things he said in the past, he tries to play like he didn't say it. He is so back and fourth...and makes me feel he is better than me in so much and that I am just a stupid woman (ya, he's one of those types!) What is wrong with him? What is a real relationship supposed to be like? Please tell me!
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 A real, whole relationship between a man and a woman involves sex, and if you cut a man off from sex as a way to get him to marry you on some religious pretext, he will say and do hurtful things in retaliation. This IMO is what you are experiencing. If you want to make a vow to god and abstain from sex, become a nun. Don't expect a man to "just go with" having a sexual relationship one minute and then not the next. He must be an exceedingly patient man who loves you deeply to even stick around for this nonsense. 1
prune juice Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I'm going crazy! Seriously! I have been in a relationship with my guy for what will be a year, after a couple of days. Sometimes, we're able to joke and be happy around eachother. We go to church together and to different church activities. All his friends know about me. He is African and I'm American. However, right now, he is a bit down on his luck because he is looking for a new football contract. Anyway, sometimes he says things that really hurt me, like: "I'm not sure if I love you.", I don't know if I am happy with you.", Today he said, I'm not his girlfriend because I don't make him feel like I am." When I tried to tell him I love him, he told me it was fake. I tell him that I love him, not everyday, but most of the time, but he doesn't believe me. I am always there to help him, financially at times. Anything he wants, he gets, except we do not sleep together anymore, because I took a vow to God not to have sex again until after marriage. But no matter what I do to help him, even if his friends don't even do 25% of what I do, he's never happy. It's never enough. We'll be talking and then all of a sudden, he'll snap, and ignore me, not look at me, I ask him to look at me when I'm talking, and he says he only does that for his mother! I have to repeat my self 20 times before he gives me a 1 word answer! Yet if I did that to him, he'd be the 1st to yell at me. Everywhere I go, no matter with whom, I have to tell him. He questions me like crazy. If I don't line my words up exactly so that he can understand, he gets upset and insults me and tells me I don't know how to use the English language. I'm the one with the advanced degree when he didn't even finish college! He even told me today, when he gets money, he'll find another girl. And then he said, that I'd probably do the same. Then in the next breath, he'll say he loves me and needs me and wants to be with me. And then when I refer to the nice things he said in the past, he tries to play like he didn't say it. He is so back and fourth...and makes me feel he is better than me in so much and that I am just a stupid woman (ya, he's one of those types!) What is wrong with him? What is a real relationship supposed to be like? Please tell me! not like that. wtf are you doing dating an abusive guy for a year? you'll never have a relationship as long as you're with him.
prune juice Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 A real, whole relationship between a man and a woman involves sex, and if you cut a man off from sex as a way to get him to marry you on some religious pretext, he will say and do hurtful things in retaliation. This IMO is what you are experiencing. If you want to make a vow to god and abstain from sex, become a nun. Don't expect a man to "just go with" having a sexual relationship one minute and then not the next. He must be an exceedingly patient man who loves you deeply to even stick around for this nonsense. that or get a very christian guy. what she's done is got an abusive guy. she'll never be happy unless she leaves.
SushiX Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Give him more booty, that should solve most of your relationship problems! 1
january2011 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) Today he said, I'm not his girlfriend If that was a relationship, real or not, you're not in one now. That's, "I'm breaking up with you" talk. I suggest that you make it clear about 'no-sex' in your next relationship so that your future partner has a choice whether or not he wishes to continue. Or seek a man who has made a similar vow. My definition of a real [healthy] relationship involves caring and respecting each other and meeting the majority of each partner's needs, whether they be emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. Edited April 13, 2012 by january2011 1
Author Egychick Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) I don't think what I am doing is nonsense. First of all, he is the one who got me close to God. And encouraged me to go to church and to Bible study. HE'S THE ONE who yelled at me when I didn't pray or read my Bible. Before I met him, my Bible had dust on it. He was the religious one more than me. And not only that, he has agreed that we are doing the right thing, because he is ALSO try to do the right thing for God...it's not me by myself.... Edited April 13, 2012 by Egychick
thatone Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 it doesn't matter whose mistake it was, it was a mistake. you basically agreed to put an outside influence (the church) in between you and your bf and have that outside influence lessen your relationship. that's a mistake that can't be undone, in my opinion, short of you both agreeing to abandon the church and go back to how you were, but even then there's going to be lingering suspicion, doubt, etc. you traded your bf for religion he traded his gf for religion the fact that it was his idea just makes his issues all the more apparent. you need to leave him and take a few months to honestly consider whether you want to keep going with the church, because in doing so you are drastically reducing the pool of potential people to have relationships with. better make sure it's worth it.
Author Egychick Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 I know what I'm doing isn't popular. And I guess doing what I think is right, may not be the popular or easy thing to do. Not only that, in my own life, I've seen that sex doesn't always mean a happy and fulfilling relationship. I've been sexually active relationships...we broke up. So, I decided to try it another way...so, it's not all about sex. It's probably that I keep making the wrong choices....and I don't know why!
Disenchantedly Yours Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Egychick, this is not a normal relationship. I repeat, this is not a normal relationship. He is abusive, mean, insults your intelligence, does not give you the respect he outright says he saves for his mother, and is taking advantage of you financially. And I think this point needs to be very clear because of some of the comments from other posters I disagree with: your religion and your ideals on sex have nothing to do with all the abusive and cruel things that are currently going on in your relationship with him. That is on him. There are men that have your same beliefs that are happy to help their girlfriends honor their personal morals without punishing them for it. I am disturbed by the amount of posters that have told you that the sex is the resason this is going on. It's not. HE is the reason this is going on. I am going to tell you a very quick story and I hope it helps. Years ago my brother met a girl. This girl was very beautiful. But very emotionally disturbed, abusive and manipulative toward my brother. During the time my brother dated her, my brother's personality completely changed. He was not the same guy he once was. He didn't laugh as much as he use to. But he clearly wanted to be with her. They both attended the same church for awhile. Because my brother's Christian belief's, he wanted to make this relationship work. My brother stayed with her for 4 years before one day he had had enough. When he finally broke up with her he had to call the police on her several times for stalking, file a restraining order, and even went as far to install cameras in his own home for fear of his safety. It took a little time but my brother came back to his old self. And he was able to move past this experience with this girl. He is now dating a really lovely woman (who I hope becomes my sister-in-law) who is a Christian just like him. Here is the point of me sharing this. Don't stay in an abusive relationship because of your religion. God doesn't want you to be with someone that is degrading and insulting you. You can maintain your religion and make choices that are healthy for you. My brother stayed with that girl too long because he didn't want to "give up". He wanted to do "the right thing". Clearly his head wasn't in teh right space at the time to do the right thing. But when he finally did, he was much better for it. Don't let this take you 4 years. I think you need to leave this man. There WILL be someone out there for you that holds the same views and morals you do. There WILL be someone out there who will love you the way you as a woman deserve to be loved. It doesn't matter that it narrows your dating pool. because we all got things that narrow our dating pool. 2
Author Egychick Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Thank You Disenchantedly Yours. I needed to hear what you have just said. I felt discouraged from the replies I've received so far. As I said before, sex is not the only key to a successful relationship. And as a culture, we've made it so. So, I'm trying to do the right thing for me. I do hope I'll find someone who is better suited for me and following the same path that I am sincerely. I don't think my BF is a bad person. He has serious issues that he needs to deal with...and he has admitted this before. Even today, after he said all of these mean things to me, he called me again an hour later, saying he wanted to check on me. So I know he is controlling me. He says mean things one minute and wants to check on me the next. I really hope, as a Christian, God gives me the strength to save myself.
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I don't think what I am doing is nonsense. First of all, he is the one who got me close to God. And encouraged me to go to church and to Bible study. HE'S THE ONE who yelled at me when I didn't pray or read my Bible. Before I met him, my Bible had dust on it. He was the religious one more than me. And not only that, he has agreed that we are doing the right thing, because he is ALSO try to do the right thing for God...it's not me by myself.... he's the religion genius. could you tell me what passage says its fine and dandy to act abusive toward your girlfriend?
prune juice Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Thank You Disenchantedly Yours. I needed to hear what you have just said. I felt discouraged from the replies I've received so far. As I said before, sex is not the only key to a successful relationship. And as a culture, we've made it so. So, I'm trying to do the right thing for me. I do hope I'll find someone who is better suited for me and following the same path that I am sincerely. I don't think my BF is a bad person. He has serious issues that he needs to deal with...and he has admitted this before. Even today, after he said all of these mean things to me, he called me again an hour later, saying he wanted to check on me. So I know he is controlling me. He says mean things one minute and wants to check on me the next. I really hope, as a Christian, God gives me the strength to save myself. how about you give yourself the strength to choose a guy that isn't abusive?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 The sex choice is a very personal one. It's really not right for certain posters to use that as a reason for your issues when clearly the issues your BF has run much much deeper then sex or you. You're smart enough to see that yourself. I see my brother's relationship with his gf and it's a really positive one. Their faith has bonded them closer together. He encourages her to be who she wants to be. Morals and all. When you find a man that's right for you, he will be more then happy to be there for you and encourage *you* to be the best you, *you* want to be. Don't get envolved with men that what you to be the best you, *they* want you to be or think you should be. You will find that person. I don't think your BF is an all emcompassingly "bad" person either. But his issues don't give him an excuse to treat you the way he is. I say let him go. Let him figure out the things he needs to figure out. He either will figure them out or not. And see, you really are smarter then I think you are giving yourself credit for because this was really insightful: Even today, after he said all of these mean things to me, he called me again an hour later, saying he wanted to check on me. So I know he is controlling me. He says mean things one minute and wants to check on me the next. I really hope, as a Christian, God gives me the strength to save myself. You realize he's trying to control you. Do you know who Joyce Meyers is? She's a Christain that writes books. You might enjoy her story and her books. Check out her book: A Confident Woman to start.
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