FinOuch Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 It's been a long time since I've posted here. I'm happy to report that after nearly a year since a breakup that sort of rocked my world, I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with life and don't feel like the absolute neurotic mess that I once was. In fact, over the course of the last few months...I've found that I'm quite happy and content with my single life. That is not to say that I don't ever think of or mourn my ex. Just that I don't think of him in the same way, and those moments where my chest wants to cave in and it gets harder to breath are very few and far between. In short, I'm fine on my own and I've been living it up these past few months. I'm well past the period of feeling like I need to meet someone to fill this massive void in my life (thankfully, I never rebounded), and dating has not been a priority to me at all. And of course, as the old saying goes I guess, when I stopped looking is when I started meeting interested guys. Over the course of Sept through...eh, probably late Jan...I dated a couple of guys. But I always found some major hang up and cut out fairly quickly...perhaps too quickly (you know, one extreme to the other...ignoring red flags in the last relationship to maybe being a little bit too red-flag-happy after that) A few weeks ago I met someone new. We've been dating since and now I just don't know where to go from here. There's really nothing wrong with him. His personality works well with mine. I enjoy his company. In terms of chemistry...well...after a few kisses, "the cat's alive". (lol, sorry for the Big Bang Theory reference) All that good stuff. I really can't find a single fault with him...so I really have no reason to break things off. But at the same time, I feel like something is just...I don't know...missing. I'm starting to suspect that what is missing is me: the me that was capable of falling in love and being infatuated. The me that was open to jumping into a romantic relationship. Part of me feels like I'm just not really able to get excited about the prospect of a relationship or love again. It's been suggested to me by a good friend that my guard is up to a point that I'm not letting anyone in. And for the life of me I can't tell if it's whether I'm just not interested in him specifically (for some indefinable reason), or whether I'm just not interested in a relationship period. Now, I'm all about not stringing someone along. I was there, and I (brutally) experienced the havoc that causes for the person who got strung along...so I certainly would never do that to another person. But at the same time, I don't want to just throw the towel in too quickly or for the wrong reasons. Like I said, it's only been a few weeks. I don't know what to do. Has anyone here been through anything like this? Does a lack of infatuation early on necessarily mean I'm wasting his (and my time)? Or, given time and a little more healing, could the aversion aspect go away and make room for a good relationship? And what is a reasonable amount of time to date someone while you figure that out? At what point does it transition from being on the fence and just feeling things out to stringing someone along?
Leegh Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It's possible it may turn into romantic love, but probably not. I would still go out with him several more times just to see what develops, if anything. I think we can't change our brain chemistry, either we like someone or we don't, but in your case I think it's a little too early to know what you are feeling. You'll know after going out with him several more times.
cerridwen Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 I don't see that you're leading him on unless the conclusion has been reached you're not interested. But, it's obvious you don't know how you feel just yet. While sorting it out, why not take a week-long break just to clear your head. The relationship is still young. At this stage, there's nothing wrong with slowing the pace to evaluate feelings. I was in a similar circumstance semi-recently after deciding to re-enter the dating scene. My interest petered out and I withdrew from him, and dating all together. It was a combination of the wrong person and not being ready. But I was only able to see it because of the space I took. I've benefitted from the breathing room. Perhaps you might too.
The dot Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 It's been a long time since I've posted here. I'm happy to report that after nearly a year since a breakup that sort of rocked my world, I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with life and don't feel like the absolute neurotic mess that I once was. In fact, over the course of the last few months...I've found that I'm quite happy and content with my single life. Right there might be your problem. In my case, there is a woman at work who's interested in me. She's a lovely person, funny, smart, extremely good looking, but the simple fact is, I love my single life too much to give it up. I like being able to travel interstate at a moment's notice, I love being able to take my holidays in places like France or Spain, I love coming home and not having the TV blaring with some vapid "reality" show. I've also dated other people and found the same problem, I don't want to give it all up. It may well be the same for you, especially if you're last break-up was messy. Really, though, if you're still in the first few weeks of it, I wouldn't advise seeing him more than once or twice a week (at most) anyway. You need to take as long as you need to take, and be mindful of the fact that maybe you just aren't ready yet.
dbave Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 LOL 3 weeks. Give it more time geez. You haven't built up memories of the guy yet...
jorgie4 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I know exactly how you feel, because I feel like that a lot of the time. There just aren't that many guys who I feel chemistry with anymore! I haven't been out with someone and thought, 'I'm so attracted to him, he's gorgeous!', for ages. And I miss it! Like you, I genuinely don't know why...I'm not sure if it's an emotional thing, or if it's just because I haven't met any hot guys for a while. Lol. So if you figure it out, please let me know! Although I do know that if I carry on dating the guy who i 'like', and who could be bf material, but I just don't have any attachment to, it makes me feel worse. I am so attracted to confidence, cheekiness and great banter... Teamed with nice looks (don't have to be amazing), I am usually head over heels. I guess I just haven't met any of those guys for a while P.S. Sorry that's not advice by the way! But I share your confusion.
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