Please help! I am torn between my never-there boyfriend and another guy!!

[Sicantired]

My story is pretty long.

 

I just started dating seriously in about mid March. I am 19 and my boyfriend is about a year and a half younger than i am. I have known him for about 12 years but we never really talked. Our relationship started off pretty fast. He was telling me he loved me in about the second week. We would meet each other in a park every Tuesday to catch up on things. He would call me twice a day just to say hi and to tell me he missed me.

 

About a month into the relationship, things started to slow down. He would go for days without calling. Then those days turned into weeks. As of now, I haven't seen him in about two months. This past month he has tried to contact me a couple of times, but he still hasn't called me.

 

He has a best friend who i am going to call "Larry". Larry and I have been friends for about sevenyears. He is graduating this year and he is having a party so he asked me to help with inviting guests. Of course I would have to talk to him on the phone and go over his house to drop things off.

 

But when we call or see each other he is always telling me deep secrets about him that no one else knows. And these things are pretty serious. But I don't consider us that close. I haven't told him any of my secrets.

 

A couple of weeks ago, he asked me to go camping for the weekend with him and a big group of our friends. He said that my boyfriend was going to be there, so i decided to go. To make a long story short, I ended up not going and of course Larry calls to see where I was. He told me that my boyfriend didnt come (he was supposed to ride with Larry). When I asked him why, Larry said he knew i wasnt going to be there. So i thought why did he invite me if he wasn't going to bring my boyfriend with him? What if I did go? Would Larry have me all to himself? Larry also told me that some people there were asking him if he was my boyfriend. I dont know but the way he said it kind of indicated that he was asking me if he was my boyfriend. But I didn't say antyhing else.

 

I know that my boyfriend's ex cheated on him with Larry. So when he found out what I had been doing these past couple of weeks, then he tries to call me. He wanted to know why I had been in constant contact with Larry. I explained to him what was going on and he calmed down. I told him I needed to talk to im about something (me breaking up with him) and he said he ould call me late that night. Of course he doesn't call.

 

But there is this other guy at the college i attend that I have been talking to for a couple of weeks. The other day he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I kinda laughed. He knew I was going through some things. I wanted to tell him everything right then but I couldn't so I gave him my number to call me. But I havent done anything with this guy...yet.

 

What I am trying to say is that I am tired of trying to follow behind my boyfriend. He only calls if he wants something. I want to talk to him about how I feel but he is never there. I am not trying to get with his best friend because I dont like him in that way. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I dont want to loose him. But if he is going to keep treating me like this, I dont know if I can deal with it anymore. I dont want to be a sometime girlfriend meaning he only calls, talks to or sees me sometimes. I dont know what to do. I need some advice. Please help!!!!

[babydoll]

Did you try talking to your BF about how you feel? That would be the first step. You deserve to be happy. And he deserve to know how you feel. All relationships start fun and exciting. And it seems to me that you havent really been seeing each other really all that long.

 

Some questions you should ask yourself. Are you looking for a long term relationship with this guy? Did you ever give him the impression that you wanted space? If not then maybe he is just not ready for a relationship yet. If you love him like you say, my suggestion is communication with him. If he is not giving you what you need, and your getting it elsewhere(support, communication, etc.) Then chances at a long term monogomous relationship seem to be thin. You are young, and it is very confusing deciding just what you want, and often your needs will change. But you will likely always need your mate to support you.

 

Soul search, communicate, and best to you

 

Babydoll

[sweetie7]

I don't know...I guess I just find it hard to imagine a relationship in which you rarely even talk to your boyfriend. It sounds like you might be in this relationship just to say you have a boyfriend. What is he doing for you to make your life better? How can you say you're together if you don't even talk?? I think you should persue other people who are going to be there for you.

[Sicantired]

Thank you Babydoll for your advice.

I have been trying to contact my boyfriend for the past two months. I have called him, sent him emails, and even told his friends to tell him to call me, but he still isn't responsive. And when I do get that one in a million chance to talk to him and I say we need to talk, it always gets put off and he never calls me back. Other times when we talk he doesn’t even acknowledge his absence. I know he is busy because there is a lot going on in his life right now. But he has to realize that I have feelings too and if this relationship is going to work then there has to be some sort of communication. I do use the term boyfriend, if at all, loosely. But I did give up a long time ago. But I don’t just want to leave him and start talking to someone else without telling him it’s over yet because he thinks we are still together. I just hope that letter Larry gives him will open up his eyes to see how he has been treating me these past months.

 

And to Sweetie 7

No I am not in this relationship just to say I have a boyfriend. I wasn’t desperate when we started dating, nor am I now. In the beginning we had a great relationship. We talked about marriage and having a family and what we wanted to do with our lives. But he hasn’t been there so I feel I can do without him.

[Sicantired]

And what am I supposed to do with Larry and the other guy?

[babydoll]

Sounds to me ,since Larry has already been with one of your bf X, that he may be a little bit of a player. Which is fine if thats what your looking for. But like you said, you have to end it with your bf first before you go any farther with anyone. Maybe if talking to your bf doesnt work then maybe you tell him that you should start seeing other people. Then if in fact it was meant to be with your bf he will come to a realization and be by your side more. Or maybe you will have a realization that maybe it wasnt love after all. As much as we all hate to admit it, weve have all thought we were in love at some point only yo realize that it was not.

 

BB

[Fayebelle]

This reiminds me so much of myself. This may be long b/c I responded to a similar post so I just copied that response here and added a bit b/c it's emotional for me just to write about it.

 

I was in a long distance relationship for 3yrs- he was in the military so there were times we wouldn't speak for 3months and we MIGHT see each other 1 wk out of the year. We dated for 1 yr before he ever joined so we had history together- just no present and a very foggy future.

 

This past Christmas marked my 2nd and final without him. I loved him SO MUCH but I was seriously morose from thinking about someone who was never there. So I decided I would force myself to start dating again. I HATED it at first- I really did love him so it just felt wrong to be out with someone else. Eventually, it got easier and earlier this year I met a wonderful man who is HERE for me. (Good thing too- I found a byproduct from such a LONG long-distance relationship is a slightly annoying emotional neediness that I'm working on)

 

It was so hard to let go of him-NOT b/c I needed to say I had a BF but b/c he WAS my boyfriend. Plus there is an incredible amount of guilt involved w/ breaking up w/a long distance love b/c it's nobodys fault you aren't tog.-no one did anything wrong- so it feels like you're just giving up on someone you care for.

 

I still think about my ex ALOT and it was hard to see him the last time he was home; but i am happier and he does understand why I had to move on. Obviously he was hurt at first and I'm not proud of that-but now we're friends. In fact I had a message from him when I got home yesterday.

 

One note- Never date an exes friends ESP if he never did anything wrong to you. That's just harsh (Plus Larry sounds like a Skeezing Jerk) The other guy- I say fair game- you gotta move on some time and he sounds like a decent guy (unlike Larry- did I mention he sounds like a jerk?)

 

Good luck finding what's best for you!

[Sicantired]

To Babydoll

Now that I think about it, I don't think I actually loved him in the first place. Or maybe I have been away from him so long that I can probably let go without feeling anything. I just hope he realizes that he cannot keep on doing this to people. Take for instance his last girlfriend. She ended up talking to Larry and messed everything up. Lucky for me I know how Larry is and because of that, I stay away from him in that kind of way. I am a real person with feelings and I deserve someone who realizes that I do have them.

[Sicantired]

To Fayebelle

I am glad to have someone else that knows what I am going thru. I understand what you meant when you said you didnt have a boyfriend just to have one but because you did have one. But I am not desperate to have a boyfriend right now. I am just testing the waters because I am new to this dating scene. And I am not trying to go out with Larry. There is no possible way I would date him. The other guy that I have been talking to for a couple of weeks is really sweet (so far) but i have yet to find out about him. Hopefully I will find someone that deserves a great catch like me!!

[Fayebelle]

Good for you! Best of luck whatever you decide. And just be honest w/ your current long dist BF. It may be hard for him to hear you have doubts but at least you can "test the water" with a clear conscience.

[Sicantired]

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know what has happened since yesterday. Larry gave my boyfriend the breakup letter today. When I asked what my boyfriend said, Larry said that he just laughed and said that I was sprung on him. N*&%@ please! I have long since moved on. I am sick and tired of his little mind games he is trying to play. Whatever.

 

And another thing. Larry was trying to talk to me to see if I was mad at him because he wanted to know if I was mad at him because he happened to be laughing along with my X. I told him I don’t care what they do. They arent hurting my feelings. But Larry started to feel bad for me. He said that no one was trying to hurt my feelings. I told him I didn’t believe him and he asked me why. When I told him why should I then he said people says that to him a lot. Shouldn’t that tell him something?

 

Today I realized what kind of immature idiotic people I have been dealing with these past months. I have vowed not to speak to either of them again. But I know Larry is going to be blowing my phone up with messages. I will not back down to his persistence. I know I am stronger than that.

[babydoll]

It does sound as though they are really immature. I proud of you for deciding to try to get things straight. Are you ok? No unexpected emotions creep up? That sometimes happen. You seems to be a smart young woman, excel and get what you want

[Sicantired]

I guess I am ok. I did feel a little confused yesterday because my emotions were torn. I feld that those two idiots were laughing in my face. But it did harden my heart in a way so that I am numb to anything they do. I do feel a little emotional now that it is over. I thought I had lost the love of my life. But that was soon replaced by “I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to deal with those two idiots.” Of course you always have some kind of thoughts if you were in a relationship. And unlike those other two I do have a heart. I hold my head high and walk away without looking back.