I left, came back... Now he's done, what do I do?!

[ohhmama]

HI everyone,

 

My husband and I got married young, I was 19, he was 22. We've been married for almost ten years, we have two little boys ages 6 & 7. Because of pressures from our religion at the time, we got married after only knowing each other for six months.

 

Through this time, we rarely fought, but had a great sex life, very active, I believe this was the main thing bonding us. Our only other connections were the kids and the religion. I'm outgoing, social, passionate etc... He's quiet, hardworking and simple.

 

After years of communicating that I needed more of his time and attention, I finally broke one day, and just felt as though I couldn't live unfulfilled anymore. Though he seemed sad and said he had no clue, that I was that unhappy (I don't understand how he had no clue, but...) he was fairly agreeable and thought it would be for the best in the end.

 

I moved out and we eventually filed for divorce. He was very sad and depressed like, I felt bad, but at the same time, didn't see him making any changes. Then one day he started to pull things together. I noticed and as he started to act more confident and responsible, I started to think that maybe there was hope.

 

I thought about it and spent a lot of time examining myself and my wants and needs, then after one particularly bad day at work, I had called and called and he didn't answer. I was a bit worried, because he always answers and it was his night with the kids. I ended up driving over to the house to check on them/him, and to talk and share my feelings. I saw another car there, and my heart dropped! I knocked and he confirmed that he had another woman over and couldn't talk or have me come inside. I was devastated and felt frantic, about doing whatever I could to save our marriage. Before I went over, I thought that I had plenty of time, to make sure we did things right. Suddenly now, I felt like I had to rush and get it all back together and better.

 

The next day, I bore my feelings to him and told him everything I had been thinking about, and he basically told me that in the three months we had been separated, that he had to completely disconnect any feelings he had left, and move on... He said he had very strong feelings for this new woman and I cried for days.

 

I never thought I would be the desperate person, crying, begging for counseling, pleading, taking him dinner, romancing him... anything. He was just done.

 

Finally, I found some info on here and began reading the "stop your divorce" ebook. I have begun implementing the suggestions, and he definitely seems to want to be around me more, call me more etc...

 

He just says a lot of thank you for understanding and that he's glad we will be able to be friends. It feels like a slap in the face. But I am staying (fakely) cheery, but also genuinely trying to keep my chin up and have accepted dates for a few nights this week, even though I'd almost rather stay home.

 

Please help I don't know what, if anything I can do... I need some major advice!!! Thank you for being here and for your help !!

[elfman]

Hello, I am sorry to hear of your current situation. Its been said many times before, sometimes we do not know what we have until we lose it. Questions:

 

- Did you do MC before you dropped the bomb on him?

 

To be perfectly honest, I wish I was him right now. My wife walked out with me still loving her, and I am working to get to the point where he is. I do not mean to threadjack your post with this, which is why I keep it short, but trying to step into your shoes for a minute I can say the following:

 

- Most men never have any idea "it was that bad" so its pretty common. We have clues, but we get comfortable.

- When my wife said she wanted out and started acting accordingly I had no idea that she had sought EA's and PA's with other men, (In fact I just found this out today), so now I feel betrayed. In your case, did any of this go on? Did you have a relationship while separated?

- Are you legally divorced?

 

I am sorry to say this, but your xH might be over you, and getting him back might be tough. In fact the only reason I can think of him wanting you back if he has not experienced these changes you speak of first-hand, would be to try to regain his family.

 

Keep posting, I myself reply with insight because I am in such a state where every reply to my own posts makes me feel like heaven has parted for me, so I want to share that feeling with as many posters as I can.

 

Good luck.

 

E.

[Yasuandio]

Do everything Homer McDonald says in his book, EVERYTHING, period. Read up on the psychological term "mimetic desire.". It works both ways. Then go re-read Homer. If you can't swing it, the fake happiness (which may go away if you implement HM's strategies), look on the last page of the book and follow the instructions. You can do this. But, if you believe you can't - he has a guaranteed counciling method, but it is pricy - but I believe totally worth it (1500).

 

If you contact him per the assignment, please tell Mr. Homer "Dr. Carol is so grateful, she is promoting his work every single chance she gets!" He is a great guy! I am telling you, I was so honored.

 

If you get to speak to him, he's the one in charge of the convo, so, just listen, and do not interrupt! I hope this helps you like it did me. In 15 minites, Mr. Homer spinned my head around like Exorcist girl. I've been in the divorce process for 3.5 years. My perspective and position on this protracted divorce matter and my H's games, drastically changed after my short chat with d'man. Good luck to you. Yas

[Jstub]

When we men get thrown in the garbage can by our wives, we are extremely hurt and it's hard for us to get over it. However, once we do, it is very very hard for us to go back. Good luck to you.

[Woggle]

This is typical want what you can't have syndrome. I think you only want him because he has truly moved and has another woman. I hate to be harsh but now you know what he felt when you dropped the bomb on him.

[K Os]

Ouch. Instant karma. Be thankful it didn't take years to catch up with you. Learn.

[Lexygirl]

I think that the best thing you can do is try to concentrate on other things and move on. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot control how he feels or what he does so for your own mental health, you need to accept that he is with someone else and not coming back.

You have your whole life ahead of you honey... enjoy it all and leave the past where is belongs.

Sorry but that's the way it is.

[health]

Question did you deal with any other men when you were separated?

 

I think I remember reading your post before. It sounded perfect, but you wanted to leave to see what you were missing.

 

Don't get hurt that he got with another girl.

 

I say just leave it and move on. You wanted to leave first.

[whichwayisup]

It's a real shame the two of you threw in the towel so soon without really trying..Trying meaning going to marriage counselling and fighting hard to keep your family under one roof.