Headintheclouds Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Search my threads if you want my story. I had to send my ex a money order for her half of our apartment security deposit. We were civil through the end of the breakup. It's been 2 weeks since we moved out of our place and went our separate ways. I haven't had contact with her other than to hash out how I was going to get the money to her. This morning I received a text from her. It basically said that she received the money I sent and thanks. Then she asked how I was doing. I didn't respond. That was hours ago. I was content with my decision not to respond. Just a bit ago I received another text. It said "not speaking to me?" Now I'm torn. I don't want to contact her. I don't want to be vulnerable and I want her to know how much she hurt me. On the other hand, I kept my cool through the end of our relationship. I was civil. I feel like responding but I don't know how, or if I should at all. I feel like if I don't shes just gonna get angry and think I'm being immature. So...now what?
Nohbody Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 It doesn't matter what she thinks or how she feels. NC is for you to heal. That is all.
nature Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Respond with simple two words "Take Care". Leave it entirely at that. It says it all. If she responds again to it, ignore. If she keeps responding, ignore. She feels guilty, so is trying to appease her guilt by intitiating communication. Don't get involved in it. Stick to yourself. Sorry you are hurting. I've been there. Hugs. 3
robkris8079 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I got the same thanks for sending whatever, hope your doing well text. I didn't respond. Then week later got the I know you don't want to talk to me but hope we can be friends text. That is the next one you will get . I didn't respond to that either. I don't really care what she thinks. She can be spewing off that I'm an immature fool and is ignoring her to all her friends and family. I'll never know. She can be thinking I'm crying in a corner and can't stand talking to her because it hurts too much and telling all her friends that too. Again I'll never know and don't care. It is what it is. I don't want to talk to her because I don't want a friendship with her. At least now right now and I'm not even thinking past tomorrow so don't really care bout the future in this regard. Text her back if you want to talk to her. If you don't want to talk to her then not texting screams that as loud as possible from a rooftop. Remember NC is all about you though. How will you feel after talking to her? Better? 2
NewYorker2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Dude, You guys left things about as good as you probably could have. To some extent, she is probably feeling the same absence that I sort of warned you about feeling the day or two before you finally moved out. Doesn't mean she wants any real friendship or to get back together. I have a hunch you're going to feel compelled to respond in some way. If you decide to do that, keep it very simple and very straightforward. "I have to move on with my life. Goodbye." Civil and without emotion. That's the best she can hope for...if she actually thinks she deserves more, she is just being unfair and stringing you along. Don't let her. 3
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Respond with simple two words "Take Care". This is where resolve comes in. If you feel you need to go NC, then after sending the above brace yourself. Be prepared for: Is that all you have to say? After all we have been through? Don't I at least deserve.... I can't believe you are treating me this way... Don't I get the same consideration as your other exes? I hate you I love you, please talk to me FINE ... Ok, maybe those last few were exaggeration....well not really, since I have seen them in that order But you get the idea. If you need to go NC then it may take some self control depending on how hard the other party is beating against the walls. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Search my threads if you want my story. I had to send my ex a money order for her half of our apartment security deposit. We were civil through the end of the breakup. It's been 2 weeks since we moved out of our place and went our separate ways. I haven't had contact with her other than to hash out how I was going to get the money to her. This morning I received a text from her. It basically said that she received the money I sent and thanks. Then she asked how I was doing. I didn't respond. That was hours ago. I was content with my decision not to respond. Just a bit ago I received another text. It said "not speaking to me?" Now I'm torn. I don't want to contact her. I don't want to be vulnerable and I want her to know how much she hurt me. On the other hand, I kept my cool through the end of our relationship. I was civil. I feel like responding but I don't know how, or if I should at all. I feel like if I don't shes just gonna get angry and think I'm being immature. So...now what? Respond with "k"...
HollyBolly Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I don't understand. I really can't fathom why this keeps happening to some people: - Should I respond? - Will she think I'm immature? - What should I say? - What is he/she thinking? - Why is he/she txting me? It's simple, really. Do you want to heal or go on hurting? If you want the former, go NO CONTACT! If you want the latter, respond. Simple! And who gives a flying F**K what he/she is thinking? That chapter of your life is over. Move along now. As for me, the only reason I want my ex to contact me is so that I can ignore her. And here you are, with a golden opportunity to do what I can only dream of doing, is wanting to respond. *sigh* 2
Author Headintheclouds Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Well, the truth is that I do want to be friends with her in the future. I can't imagine doing that now but I do think there will come a time when it will happen. I want her to feel like I'm gone, like I'm inaccessible. There really is no reason for me to talk to her because I want more than she can give me. She made this decision. I shouldn't care what she thinks of me but its hard not to. As I said we ended things civilly. At this point I don't think she's sending texts to try to get me back. We never played games and I don't think we ever will. Honestly, I would almost bet that if I do ignore all of this, she probably won't contact me again.
HollyBolly Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Well, the truth is that I do want to be friends with her in the future. I can't imagine doing that now but I do think there will come a time when it will happen. That may be possible...in the future. For now, just let it go. I know it isn't easy but, really, what choice do you have? I guess I'm lucky in that I never want to be friends with my ex. I want her to feel like I'm gone, like I'm inaccessible. There really is no reason for me to talk to her because I want more than she can give me. She made this decision. I shouldn't care what she thinks of me but its hard not to. As I said we ended things civilly. The key here is not the word 'civilly'. The key here are the words 'ended things'. Get it? You want her to feel like you are gone and inaccessible yet you ask on here if you should respond. You are contradicting yourself. Like I said on an earlier post, "Do you want to heal or keep on hurting?" At this point I don't think she's sending texts to try to get me back. We never played games and I don't think we ever will. Honestly, I would almost bet that if I do ignore all of this, she probably won't contact me again. You're thinking about why she's sending you txts. Why? Who cares? You certainly shouldn't. If you feel you must respond, then do so but keep it short. Say something like, "Pls don't contact me. I will not reply. Bye." And then if she txts you again, ignore.
Frank13 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Respond with simple two words "Take Care". Leave it entirely at that. It says it all. I like this but if were going to respond I would say, "Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I was out on a date. Take care". 2
Fitz Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 As for me, the only reason I want my ex to contact me is so that I can ignore her. And here you are, with a golden opportunity to do what I can only dream of doing, is wanting to respond. *sigh* Ha ha -I love this part of your post! I realize that I feel the same way too! So maybe I am getting over my ex!
HollyBolly Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Ha ha -I love this part of your post! I realize that I feel the same way too! So maybe I am getting over my ex! Rock on! Rock the f**k on!
Chi townD Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Dude, I told you in your other threads that once you moved out what would happen. I told you that she would contact you. Now, you're all tied up in knots. What about the girl you have been going out on dates with? What about the girl that has been completely understanding of your situation because you've communicated what you are going through so well? What about her? Did she decieve you? Did she lie to you? Has she been straight forward with you? Has she cheated on you? If you can't realize that she has been kind and understanding while you wavier over a girl that went out repeatedly to screw the Brazilian Lord of the Dance (see, I remember), not even coming home at night. Then you need to cut ties with this girl. You're not being fair to her. And she deserves a guy that is going to treat her well. And if your this conflicted then it's best that she finds a new guy, because you won't step up to the plate.
Cmac Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) If you really want to go NC but want to keep the door open for being friends then just tell her WHY you are going NC. Tell her it's too hard to be in touch right now and you need some time of NC to get over things. Honestly I don't know why people here always suggest the 'IGNORE AT ALL COSTS' route. Just explain your actions. That way she won't be back in touch but she'll know you're not going NC out of spite. It'll be easier that way to resume a friendship in the future if you want to. Edited April 14, 2012 by Cmac
Author Headintheclouds Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Chi, Honestly I probably shouldn't have made a huge deal about this as its really not. I didn't respond to her and I don't plan to. This was the first point of contact and I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. My confusion was that I had been talking to her normally even up until last week to resolve some final stuff, and now out of the blue I just cut contact. It obviously caught her off guard but maybe that's a good thing. Anyways, I am still hanging out with the girl I mentioned in a previous thread. We're definitely not making anything serious out of it. We see each other when we can,have a good time and keep it simple. So now I'll just keep moving forward. I honestly doubt I will hear from her for a long time. I don't want to play games and she won't either. She already gave up on me once so I don't see her having a problem with it now. Thanks everyone for all your advice!
Chi townD Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Good for you. I didn't mean to come off as too harsh, but sometimes you need to have a wake up call. A slap in the back of the head to realize that you have good things in front of you and a bright future ahead. It's good that you were able end things civily. But she decided to take a step back and become part of your past. She should remain there for a while...
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 If you really want to go NC but want to keep the door open for being friends then just tell her WHY you are going NC. Tell her it's too hard to be in touch right now and you need some time of NC to get over things. Honestly I don't know why people here always suggest the 'IGNORE AT ALL COSTS' route. Just explain your actions. That way she won't be back in touch but she'll know you're not going NC out of spite. It'll be easier that way to resume a friendship in the future if you want to. I struggle with this myself, it's hard to go from being in love and spending all your time together to just....nothing. It breeds feelings of resentment and wondering if everything that we experienced and shared was just a sham. So I go back and forth with it, wondering if I can let her know that I still care but that it's really over and there is no going back. How do you do that? How can you stay in contact with somebody that was everything to you and no longer is without it being painful? Do either one of us want to hear about how life is like without the other? I cant even look at a picture of her that was taken after we broke up because all I can think of is "This is her smiling and living life without me in it". It's utter torture. It's a delicate dance and one that I do not feel I can maintain because if I take that step I risk generating false hope for both of us. So in my case at least it has to be all or nothing.
HollyBolly Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I struggle with this myself, it's hard to go from being in love and spending all your time together to just....nothing. It breeds feelings of resentment and wondering if everything that we experienced and shared was just a sham. I, too, have the feeling that my relationship was a sham. 5 years of a big lie. Eventually, though, I'm sure I can look back and remember the good times...and still hate her. So I go back and forth with it, wondering if I can let her know that I still care but that it's really over and there is no going back. How do you do that? How can you stay in contact with somebody that was everything to you and no longer is without it being painful? Do either one of us want to hear about how life is like without the other? I cant even look at a picture of her that was taken after we broke up because all I can think of is "This is her smiling and living life without me in it". It's utter torture. My ex and I both live in the same small town in which everyone knows everyone's business. In fact, she lives across the street from me. Talk about torture! I will never understand this but people in town seem to think I want to know about her s**t. I don't. They will go out of their way to come up to me just to say, "Hey, saw M today. She looks good. How are you?" Well, I was just FINE before you accosted me to tell me my ex looked good. F**k you! Seriously, though, you need to feel the pain. Acknowledge it. Makes it go away quicker. It's a delicate dance and one that I do not feel I can maintain because if I take that step I risk generating false hope for both of us. So in my case at least it has to be all or nothing. I hear you! It's a dance I am learning to dance quite well, though. I get drunk as a skunk and still don't txt or call her...if I remember correctly.
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I, too, have the feeling that my relationship was a sham. 5 years of a big lie. Eventually, though, I'm sure I can look back and remember the good times...and still hate her. Do you really feel that way? I am interested in this because my ex has taken the same approach. And for my part, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was NOT a lie. Every thing I said, every step I took, every promise I made I intended to keep. Honestly. I never once thought "Ok how can I deceive her?" When she claims that I just used her it is such a deep hurt that I can't even begin to describe it. I understand that there is some comfort in believing that nothing was real, that I was just used. But isn't that really a defense mechanism to ease the pain? Is it not easier to go down the road of animosity and tell myself that I hate her instead of feeling the pain and loss? We are such emotional creatures, it makes my head spin sometimes.
HollyBolly Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Do you really feel that way? I am interested in this because my ex has taken the same approach. And for my part, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was NOT a lie. Every thing I said, every step I took, every promise I made I intended to keep. Honestly. I never once thought "Ok how can I deceive her?" Oh, I loved her. I wasn't the lie. She was. The reason I feel this way is because she just threw it all away for a job. A job! She is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centred and any other negative 'self' words you can think of. Also, she now wants to date men again when she told me she couldn't even think of sleeping with one ever again. Lies! Lies! And more lies! I understand that there is some comfort in believing that nothing was real, that I was just used. But isn't that really a defense mechanism to ease the pain? Is it not easier to go down the road of animosity and tell myself that I hate her instead of feeling the pain and loss? There is absolutely no comfort in believing that it wasn't real. It is shattering. All the times she told me she loved me now seem like lies, and probably were. You don't have to hate her! I do but I have my reasons. You do need to feel the pain to move on. And take deep breadths.
lalalandman Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 "For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool. By making his world a little colder."
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Oh, I loved her. I wasn't the lie. She was. The reason I feel this way is because she just threw it all away for a job. A job! She is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centred and any other negative 'self' words you can think of. Also, she now wants to date men again when she told me she couldn't even think of sleeping with one ever again. Lies! Lies! And more lies! A job! Wow, ok now I see where you are coming from a little better. So sorry to hear this There is absolutely no comfort in believing that it wasn't real. It is shattering. All the times she told me she loved me now seem like lies, and probably were. You don't have to hate her! I do but I have my reasons. You do need to feel the pain to move on. And take deep breadths. That's fair, everyone is in different situations. Thanks for sharing, it helps me understand a little better. You sound like you know the right steps to take in order to move on but like me, realize that it's easier said than done. Deep breaths.... !!!
HollyBolly Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 A job! Wow, ok now I see where you are coming from a little better. So sorry to hear this Thank you. I hope she gets fired. She only got this job because of me, too. That's fair, everyone is in different situations. Thanks for sharing, it helps me understand a little better. You sound like you know the right steps to take in order to move on but like me, realize that it's easier said than done. Oh, I know the 'steps' all right. Whether I can follow them down the path is quite another story. I have found that talking about it really helps. Also, working out, cooking, walking my dog and drinking my face off. Yes, drinking for me helps. And I am moving next month. I cannot live across the street from her anymore. I am moving out of this toxic town and back to the city, where I belong. Thank God I have that luxury!
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 . And I am moving next month. I cannot live across the street from her anymore. I am moving out of this toxic town and back to the city, where I belong. Thank God I have that luxury! Fantastic! That will be a huge step for you.
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