Danie Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I’ve been with my husband in a committed relationship for 20 yrs. We’ve two teens. I love him but I know we have problems. I’d like for us to get better as a couple but wonder if it’s even possible. What we have a good, great at times and horrible at other times. I wouldn’t mind the great being a bit less if I never had to deal with the horrible again. I’m being a bit vague here…but my real question is how did you know that it was really-really time to divorce and move on? What solidified this leaving for you? Sometimes I think I must be crazy for having such a great life and not being content. Sometimes I think I must be crazy for putting up with so much crap and not leaving. Very conflicting feelings that confuse me into stillness. I do nothing because I don’t know what to do. I’m asking if you will share with me how you finally came to the decision to divorce.
TaraMaiden Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Teens, how old? Gender? What are they like...?
Author Danie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Teens, how old? Gender? What are they like...? son- 15 yrs...great kid. Smart as a whip. Strong willed and currently rebelling agaisnt homework. girl- 17 yrs...great kid. Smart as a whip. Stong willed and currently in college (!). They like to argue but have each other's back.
elfman Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 1) I’ve been with my husband in a committed relationship for 20 yrs. We’ve two teens. I love him but I know we have problems. I’d like for us to get better as a couple but wonder if it’s even possible. What we have a good, great at times and horrible at other times. I wouldn’t mind the great being a bit less if I never had to deal with the horrible again. I’m being a bit vague here…but my real question is how did you know that it was really-really time to divorce and move on? What solidified this leaving for you? 2) Sometimes I think I must be crazy for having such a great life and not being content. Sometimes I think I must be crazy for putting up with so much crap and not leaving. Very conflicting feelings that confuse me into stillness. I do nothing because I don’t know what to do. I’m asking if you will share with me how you finally came to the decision to divorce. 1) Hi, in my opinion every marriage, like any relationship, has ups and downs. I do not think anyone in their right mind can tell you when it is time to divorce or when it is time to work on your marriage, what they CAN tell you is to try to do the latter before you do the former. In essence, you will never know if divorce is the best option until you have exhausted the other options, MC, IC, Separation, etc. This is my humble opinion. 2) Yes, sometimes we have a good thing that needs polish and end up throwing it away because we are stupid. This is a fact of life, many great quotes have been made on the subject, and no one will know except yourself if you have regrets or not. Information which might help you get better advice includes: - Kids, ages. - Financial Situation (just a vague assessment of your possibilities to move out, pay for divorce, etc). - Hard issues like violence, substance abuse, mental instability, etc. - Particular events that deteriorate the relationship. - Affairs, both on your part and his. If you want to work on your marriage, or have a doubt about it, then you should... Good luck. E.
TaraMaiden Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I don't really care how they get on... I'm more concerned in how you and your H interact with them. I'm telling you straight, nothing acts so much as a passion-killer as raising teenage kids. they're exhausting, intrusive, attention-seeking and trouble-making walking balls of raging hormones, who change from one day to the next. Does any of that sound familiar?
Author Danie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Yes, the kids are walking talking raging and quite amazing balls of hormones…and yes, it has been hard over the last year with our son in particular. Our daughter was much easier to deal with, for me anyway. Husband and I have similar parenting styles on most things but we were raised very differently..him with physical abuse and me with a very loving and devote dad. This creates some tension between husband and me…he thinks I’m too soft I think he’s too hard. Financially we are ok. Not wealthy by any means but we have enough to pay the bills. I’ve no worries about money in this regard. Hard issues include: Past abuse from him towards me that’s done and I will not tolerate that at all. There’s never been a repeat. Verbal abuse? In the past, I’d have to say yes…now no. Substance abuse? Yes on both our parts and in the past. He’s quit drinking all together for about a year now. I still go have a beer or two every so often, maybe once in the last six months I went to happy hour and had two beers. I don’t believe there are any mental issues. I know I suffer from depression that seems to come and go. I think its mostly seasonal and this winter was a bad one. He’s had two affairs. I’ve had no affairs. The first affair was about a year after we met….I was upset but not devastated. The second was about 6 yrs ago…I was devastated. We worked on be better together and I really thought we actually achieved *better* until recently…now I’m not so sure. To be honest in the back of my mind I wonder if he’s contemplating another affair…but I don’t think so … my gut isn’t screaming at me or even whispering…but my head is going there. I’m not asking for you to analyze my situation I’m really only wondering about the moment when other’s knew it was time…how did you know? I know it will be different for each person and that it’s personal to them…I’m not asking for a crystal ball just a small window. Truthfully? It’s really hard for me to open up about it all…even here on an anonymous internet forum. Go figure.
elfman Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I’m not asking for you to analyze my situation I’m really only wondering about the moment when other’s knew it was time…how did you know? I know it will be different for each person and that it’s personal to them…I’m not asking for a crystal ball just a small window. Did not mean to analyze, just ask what were the conditions currently. Sorry I could not be of help, I cannot point a timeframe because in my case my wife is walking out, so no idea. Good luck E.
loving_life Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 One article that I read said you should give yourself no less than a full year between the first thought of a divorce and actual doing anything about it, i.e., don't force the decision out of you before that, just give yourself a full year. And this should be the year when marriage/divorce decision becomes one of the main objectives of your life, don't just put off the decision till later, try to work the issues. I talked to a few women who went through divorce asking them this question. One said she woke one day and knew it was time, just like that, in one day. The other said pushing the words out her mouth wasn't easy, but once she said them, she heard the "bells", meaning she was relieved and knew it was the right thing. On the practical side of things, the same article said that after a year, assuming you still want divorce, you should consult a divorce lawyer BEFORE talking to your spouse to find out about all the legal implications. At this point, you should have a clear understanding what you are getting yourself into and what you are you willing to settle for. Have a plan. anyway, good luck. I am in no position to give advice, my year of pondering the D question has two more months left in it... *disclaimer* I have not followed the advice above to the fullest. I am just reporting what I researched on the subject and these things resonated with me as being true.
westrock Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 The other posters have given you great advice. I’m asking if you will share with me how you finally came to the decision to divorce. Your answer is in your question. In the way you have asked your question, it sounds like on some level you have already made to the decison to divorce. I say this because your question could just as easily have been "I'm not sure if I should stay or get divorced" or "how you finally came to the decision not to divorce and save the marriage". But instead you asked "how you finally came to the decision to divorce." You're already focussing on divorce. If your current position is that you're actually not sure or you would be open to saving the marriage if it can be saved, then start by asking yourself a different question because that will help you bring clarity to your decision making.
Author Danie Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 If I decided to divorce I’d be divorced now. I’m still not sure. What I want more than anything is to be in a healthy, happy, relationship with this man that makes us both content. What I’m not sure of is if it’s even possible for this to happen. All I wanted from this thread was to hear other’s stories of their journey to and through divorce.
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