waiting4u Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 OP, if it helps, I can relate to some extent. I haven't been able to find someone since my last long-term relationship that I feel is "good enough" to some extent. I'm always looking for faults. I don't think it's so much the other person as me, and I'm trying to figure that out, but as other people have said - remember it's not ethical to continue in a relationship with someone you aren't really feeling it with. Learn to nurture and care for yourself so that you are happy alone. Hang in there.
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 spook, if you were to partner with someone aggressive, the two of you would be at loggerheads all the time trying to change each other to suit yourselves. The reason why W. appeals is that he's a safe chase, someone you can't get. There may very well be some truth to this. The guys I was the most attracted to (based on their passion/drive/aggression... that quality I feel my last couple bf's have been lacking) were the ones with whom I've had the most belligerent relationships.
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I think you need to take up the weed again, lack of it is turning you into a yuppie. Have a puff, settle down with the Tao te Ching, and leave all the luxury addicted american gogogottagettahead BS in the rearview mirror where it belongs. 15 hour days are way too much work, and may be affecting your resentment level of your BF's less intense work/life balance. Whether someone watches 5 hours a day of tv or none, whether they have tons of ambition or none, what matters is how they treat you, whether they behave in a kind and loving way towards you and whether they ring your bell in the sack. The rest is just noise.
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Seems like replies to this question are falling into one of 4 categories: 1. I am a cold-hearted btcvh (~80%) 2. It is unethical to date someone with whom you have no long-term potential Really? But people do it all the time... just look at the chicks waiting for rings they'll never get in the Getting Married forum. Most relationships are not terminal. I don't think it means the people involved are bad, or the relationships are a total waste of time. What about life being all about the journey? My current segment of the journey involves studying for about 1200 hours in the next year for some exams. I don't like dating, and I enjoy having someone reliable to bang after a long day at work. Surely I'm not alone in seeing a benefit to this arrangement? If the topic of marriage (or even long-term goals) has not come up, am I really stringing him along? Maybe I am just like one of those guys who prefers his milk for free... 3. It is a waste of time to date someone with whom you have no long-term potential, becuase you could be meeting someone with whom you do, in the meantime The other side of me does kind of agree with this. I also fear getting unexpectedly emotionally invested (which of course naturally happens to an extent) or marrying one of these guys who's almost good enough when I decide I'm ready for kids, and regretting it later on. 4. The guys I tend to date, are a better for me, than the ones I desire This could very well be true as well. I must stress, that my relationship does make me happy.
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 15 hour days ... may be affecting your resentment level of your BF's less intense work/life balance. . For sure this is an issue. But the thing is, I believe life IS for working.... I believe in being good at what you do, and accomplishing s!ht. On the other hand my bf is 30 years old, and appears to prefer a life of leisure. Along with most of the other guys I've dated, who actually treated me well. Whether someone watches 5 hours a day of tv or none, whether they have tons of ambition or none, what matters is how they treat you, whether they behave in a kind and loving way towards you and whether they ring your bell in the sack. The rest is just noise. You think?
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 For sure this is an issue. But the thing is, I believe life IS for working.... I believe in being good at what you do, and accomplishing s!ht. On the other hand my bf is 30 years old, and appears to prefer a life of leisure. Along with most of the other guys I've dated, who actually treated me well. See, lots and lots of you complained that we were "keeping you out" of the wonderful world of career drudgery, when in actuality we were -dragging you in- bwahahaha! Didn't you read your Brer Rabbit and Tom Sawyer? Now get back to whitewashing that damn fence, woman! OK, seriously, in your shoes, the hanging around and watching tv would irk me more than the lack of career drive. It seems the core of the complaint is that he isn't passionate and intense about anything in life, is this it? If so, agree with you, would be a huge turnoff for me too. But here's the thing, lots of people put lots of interests on the backburner when they are exploring the passion of new relationships because they are enjoying that youngninlurv feeling. Then trot the hobbies back out after the honeymoon period to get some blessed away time. Is this possible in your case? Does he have hobbies, passions and interests that may be backburnered atm? Or is he just kind of bland and unaccomplished in anything and doesn't givash-t? I've had so many super accomplished, frenetic, driven, passionate total and complete A-HOLEs in my love life over the years, that a sweet, kind schlub of a plainjane who loved me to death would be just fine at this point. Get back to us once you have dated some real hard-dick driven career "winners", and put up with their near universal brand of dogsh-t. You might find yourself more appreciative of what you have now.
xxoo Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 4. The guys I tend to date, are a better for me, than the ones I desire This could very well be true as well. I must stress, that my relationship does make me happy. I vote for #4. Are you a person who needs a lot of excitement/drama to feel attraction? For sure this is an issue. But the thing is, I believe life IS for working.... I believe in being good at what you do, and accomplishing s!ht. On the other hand my bf is 30 years old, and appears to prefer a life of leisure. Along with most of the other guys I've dated, who actually treated me well. Ok, that's what is fulfilling for you. So you do that. Can you understand that others are fulfilled in different ways, and that doesn't necessarily mean they are lazy? It can simply mean they have found a balance that works for them. If you marry and have kids, who is going to make the kids the priority, rather than working hard and accomplishing *****? Even if you both work, someone will usually take a career hit to meet all the kids' needs.
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 I vote for #4. Are you a person who needs a lot of excitement/drama to feel attraction? Ok, that's what is fulfilling for you. So you do that. Can you understand that others are fulfilled in different ways, and that doesn't necessarily mean they are lazy? It can simply mean they have found a balance that works for them. If you marry and have kids, who is going to make the kids the priority, rather than working hard and accomplishing *****? Even if you both work, someone will usually take a career hit to meet all the kids' needs. 80% of the time, I am reassuring myself, that my relationship is great, by this exact line of logic. His laid-backedness is the perfect complement to my personal brand of uptightness. I study and stress, he fixes me dinner. I have been a lot more productive since we've started dating, which is awesome. He's very supportive. The other 20%, I'm like, wtf, why are you working harder than your man. Why can't you find someone who's passionate and sharp and successful.
xxoo Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 80% of the time, I am reassuring myself, that my relationship is great, by this exact line of logic. His laid-backedness is the perfect complement to my personal brand of uptightness. I study and stress, he fixes me dinner. I have been a lot more productive since we've started dating, which is awesome. He's very supportive. The other 20%, I'm like, wtf, why are you working harder than your man. Why can't you find someone who's passionate and sharp and successful. Can you challenge that 20%? Does he support himself, and live within his means? Some people consider that success--balancing material desires with quality of life. Is he passionate about nothing at all? Possibly he is passionate about things that aren't career related? Is he talented in anyway? Do you recognize and appreciate his talents, even if they do not make money? Does your man expect you to work that hard, or is that what you expect of yourself?
Woggle Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I am not trying to be harsh but until you confront these issues you will never be satisfied with any man you can have.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 There may very well be some truth to this. The guys I was the most attracted to (based on their passion/drive/aggression... that quality I feel my last couple bf's have been lacking) were the ones with whom I've had the most belligerent relationships.You enjoy drama. It makes you feel alive.
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