Delete from Facebook

[rAFC]

I am about to delete my ex from facebook, it has been almost 3 months since the break up and we have been in no contact ever since. I can't imagine being real friends with her any time soon.

 

So, my problem is that I am also friends with her 13 year old son on Facebook. Since I am no longer with his mom and might not ever see either of them again, I am torn between deleting him from my page as well. He didn't do anything wrong as he had no part in the break up, but every time his picture pops up in my friends list it sets me back a little. Is it wrong of me to delete him as well? Am I correct to assume that he will be hurt by this? I feel that if he is, it is really his moms fault not mine, since she ended things with me, but I doubt they will see it this way. Should I even care what they think?

 

Any advice would be great!

[xxSRMxx]

You can hide him! so that he doesnt appear but hes still on your friends!

[TaraMaiden]

Only you know how mature he is... what do you think about actually asking him what he'd like to do?

state your case, but don't be emotional, and don't incriminate or diss his mum....

[rAFC]

Well, I just deleted/blocked my ex and deleted her entire family except her son. I can't imagine he and I will still be close, given that his mom and I are no longer together, I just don't think he is mature enough not to take it personally if delete him. Since he is a great kid and he didn't do anything wrong I don't want to hurt him any further than he has already been hurt by this break up. He might end up deleting me though, if he does I can accept that. I suspect he has been facebook stalking me since the break up though, his face almost always shows up in the 10 friends on the left of my profile, even though we rarely if ever talked on facebook.

[fucpcg]

DO NOT take the stance it's his Mom's fault, take the stance it's not the boy's fault. If you were in his life, and he has a bond with you, don't bail on him. If you think the breakup is hard for you, imagine it thru the eyes of a 13 year old, again assuming that you had a meaningful relationship with the kid. Take it from a guy who had a rough childhood with a crap mom, the guys that came in and out of my life back then meant something, the good ones anyway.

[rAFC]

Thanks for the reply fucpcg. As a 35 year old guy whose parents are still together, it is difficult for me to imagine what is going on in her 13 year old son's mind. We did have a good relationship, we spent vacations, birthdays, holidays, weekends, etc together for 2 years. I suspect that in his mind, we were set to become a family until his mom suddenly (or so it seemed) simply changed her mind and broke things off with an email.

 

I really do care about him but this is all new territory for me, I had never dated a single mom before.

[fucpcg]

My ex had three boys, 11, 10, and 6. She brought them on date 2. I kindly abliged because I take children in a relationship very seriously, thanks to my life experiences. I did EVERYTHING with her boys, they called me stepdad, I took them somewhere every weekend, I would watch them for the day so my ex could go play sports leagues and hang with friends. Her oldest had a Facebook page, and we of course were friends. When she broke up with me, she deleted and blocked both her page and his page on me, and she no longer speaks with me, and told me how her children are doing is none of my business. This has devastated me, and probably did her boys as well. Be thankful that you at least even have a chance to be around for him. My parents were a disaster, they split at age 8 for me, I didn't spend a lot of time with my dad, however my Mom had a few decent male friends who would spend time with me. 30 some years later, that is still some of my better memories. Every day I wish I still could be around for those boys, and every day I feel I let them down.

[rAFC]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation fucpcg, but I can totally relate about the kids. My ex has another son as well, almost three years old. We started dating before he was one so I have watched him grow so much, it was almost like he was my own son. It makes me sad to think that because he is so young he will probably forget about me very soon, if he hasn't already.

 

They were so much fun, always so happy to see me. Even before I would get to the door, the baby would see me coming and start banging on the door yelling my name, thrilled that I was there. Before bed he always asked me to be the one to read him his bedtime story. No matter how my day had been going, they always brought a smile to my face. They are really great kids and so hard to let go. I have lost three relationships at once, unlike the one of a normal break up.

 

I was actually friends with my ex when she had the oldest too, the 13 year old, I was even at the hospital for his birth! We were friends for over 15 years before we ever started dating. We've never fought, basically have never even argued. Her life is a total mess right now and she just gave up on us; sent me an email saying she didn't have the energy to maintain a relationship and that I should find someone who does. She has never voiced a single complaint about me to me. Almost 3 months of silence since.

[fucpcg]

I feel ya, and apparently you - me as well. I didn't have my heart shattered, I had it shattered 4 times. I once broke up with my ex in the beginning of our relationship because her life was such a mess, mainly due to alcohol, and all of her promises to quit it came up empty. We broke up one friday night where she was out getting smashed and just started sending me nasty texts, while I was sitting at home minding my own, watching a movie. I texted back to her that's it we are done, I will not tolerate your drinking and hostility ever again. The next morning my phone starts blowing up 8am with apologies, but I won't pickup. By 11am, guess who shows up in my driveway, with all three boys in the minivan.... I can picture their sad faces to this day. I didn't talk to her about it that morning, she needed to realize I wasn't joking about not dating her anymore if she didn't quit drinking. She did quit, we had an amazing year together, then a big fight where honestly I messed up, and she walked. Since then, she is beyond hostile to me on the rare occasions I bump into her out, she will not speak to me at all, told me an apology letter I wrote her was harassment, and also told me I never took an interest in her kids so I don't deserve to be able to talk to them or see them, or her. Wow.

 

I have a friend who is a tarot card reader. I don't know that I believe in such things, don't know that I don't. She offered to come over and read cards for me I said okay. She said shuffle the cards, write down the questions you would like answered, and we will see what the cards show. My #1 question was how are the boys doing, especially the youngest who was basically glued to my hip since day one. I take the deck, flip over the first card, and it was a card that represents the youngest child of the family. My friend almost ****, I almost cried. The results? He's hurting, and he really, really misses you. I can accept my ex broke up with me, however I wish we could have talked about things, a chance she never gave me. Her throwing her kids into my life day two, then ripping them out with lies.... that I could have done without, and I believe undeserving. You are lucky to be able to have at least some relationship with them, and those boys with you, especially if they have an unstable mother currently.

 

So what's my ex up to now? She went back to drinking every weekend (I know because there is always one of my friends that sees her out every weekend). So those poor guys went from borderline alcoholic mother and no caring father, to my ex cleaning up her life and us being a family with me being the first real father figure and stability they ever really had, to a borderline alcoholic mother again and no more male role model. This crushes me as much as anything.

 

So once again, be glad you can still have even at least some small part in their lives.

[rAFC]

Ugh. So, as I posted here the other day I finally deleted my ex from facebook, including her entire family except for her son. I didn't block them however.

 

Well, today I get a rather angry/upset facebook message from my ex. The first contact in almost 3 months. Apparently she is hurt that I deleted her from facebook and she accused me of taking the easy way out by simply deleting her. This from a woman who ended a 2 year romantic relationship and 15 year friendship with an email! I'm at a loss for why she cares if we are facebook friends or not.

 

She seems to be under the impression that after a week or two I was going to simply go back to being her buddy and everything would be fine. She was telling me she loved me and making future plans for our relationship up until a few days before the break up, so for me it came out of nowhere.

 

So, I do plan to respond to this message. I am torn between simply pointing out the irony in her complaint vs getting everything off of my chest that has been building up over the last 3 months. Remember, we went from serious ltr to nothing in a single exchange of emails. I have had zero closure and zero opportunity to let her know how this whole thing has made me feel.

 

I plan on sleeping on it at least but any advice would be nice.

Edited April 17, 2012 by rAFC

[Reddice]

I think now is the time to block her entire family, except her son. I would then write back that she has a lot of nerve to react like that after the way she behaved. I would also let her know that you have blocked her and that she should stop stalking you. Yes... use the word stalking. It will drive her nuts.

[TaraMaiden]

Deliberately driving her nuts will only make her attack him - through her son's undeleted/unblocked profile.

 

If you want to respond do so, almost as if you were writing a business letter to a customer you have dropped and refuse to do business with because of breach of contract.

 

state your case logically and calmly, do not resort to emotional digs, attacks, reprisals or retorts.

Just state it like it is, and make her understand, from your PoV, why it was a logical step to take.

[rAFC]

I have typed out a response but haven't sent it yet.

 

I basically point out the hypocrisy of her complaint by reminding her what she wrote to me in her break up email. I also let her know that her breaking up with me via email hurt me very much because she seems to think I should have just gotten over it quickly and went back to being her friend. She seems to have no idea that anything she did caused me any type of pain! I point all of this out in a very matter-of-fact way using many of her own words and phrases.

 

The truth is, I still love her very much. I've never been the type of person who can just turn his emotions on and off like a switch. However, the last 3 months have given me enough reflection time to realize that I never would have been happy in that relationship long term. She simply has too many problems which will never go away. This time apart has also made it clear that she and I have different ideas of what love is. I have lost my trust in her and can't imagine a way for her to get it back.

 

I really want to move on with my life. I'm disappointed in myself that I still think about her for a big part of every day. This message she sent me has set me back a bit. She admitted to looking at my pictures on Facebook "about once a week" (I'm a photographer and share a lot of my pics on there). She even bragged in this email that while she can't see the pics on my profile page, she can still access my business page and see my pics on there.

[rAFC]

I sent the message.

 

No doubt that this experience has set me back in my healing. It sucks that we have come to this, I never had anything but the best intentions with her. It was her choice to end things though, so now I need to do what I need to do to keep moving on. Hopefully she won't contact me again, but something tells me I won't be so lucky.

[fucpcg]

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. The best way to handle I believe would have been to send quick note saying wow surprised by your message, and your hostility, I'll respond after I've had time to address properly. In this stage of a breakup it's soooo important to repsond only after having taken your time in writing, and then time to sit on it and review again later. I'll share some more when my cat get's off my keyboard, lol....

[rAFC]

I did give myself time to think about it, both before and after I wrote my response. I waited until the emotions had cleared and then I took my time and wrote it as well as I could, using many of the words and phrases she used in her email.

 

I basically said look, I'm not sure what you expect from me now. You were willing to let me go through email with the chance of never seeing or speaking to me again and after everything we've been through together, that really hurt. You told me to move on so I'm not really sure why you care if we are facebook friends or not. I had no choice or say in any of this and even though it wasn't what I wanted, I have accepted your choice and now I am moving on with my life.

 

Of course the above was just a paraphrase of my actual message, which was longer and more specific/detailed. I wasn't mean or angry, just matter of fact.

[fucpcg]

Very well stated.