Not "caring" or not having an "agenda" -- does this strategy attract more ladies?

[fortyninethousand322]

So, as a man, departing from neutrality is a prerequisite for any interaction. There must be enough care to depart the setpoint. This presumes any human interaction requires some care to initiate it. If there were no care, what would be the methodology or purpose of the interaction?

 

There, see, I cared enough to read your post and respond to it. I could have, instead, thrown a DVD into the player and watched a movie and cared about that, but I didn't.

 

I spent about fifteen years largely not caring, happily going through life and meeting and enjoying purely by happenstance many women. During that time, I remained largely single and a virgin simply because I didn't care enough to aggressively pursue a woman sexually. That's pretty much it. If I had not cared at all, I never would have dated at all. As I related in another thread, I've never experienced a woman asking me out in my 52 on this rock. No care, no agenda, just life experience. I guess each one is different. Good luck.

 

Well yeah this is pretty true. I think a better way of putting it is "not caring about the outcome". Just viewing interactions with women as an ends in itself, not a means to an end. Some people are pretty good with that, others, not so much. Generally, it's a bigger problem for men to deal with than women. Again, generally.

[fortyninethousand322]

Here is an example. This just happened. Just now, in real time.

 

Let me set this up slightly for you. Last weekend I was out at a club where a buddy of mine plays in a band. I am out to see them and of course, see who else is there. This has happened before, btw.

 

Later in the night I am standing at the bar to order a rum and coke and there was this girl standing next to me as I am ordering. The bartender comes over and I place my order, and this girl next to me looks at me then looks at the bartender and says, make that two. As if I were going to put it on my tab.

 

Now this girl was incredible, nothing wrong with her at all. Hot! However, I was insulted she would insinuate I would put a drink on my tab for her just because she suggested it.

So I promptly looked back at the bar tender and told him you should make hers a diet. The look on her face was priceless and I just walked away with a wink.

 

Long story short, she comes back up and talks to me later to explain things and we exchange numbers. I call her on Wed and say we should get together this weekend, I will call with details later.

 

Just now, a few minutes ago she texts me a picture. This just happened.

 

She sends me

This picture. Saying she was relaxing at the beach earlier reading a book.

 

A little later, she sends me

This picture

 

Adding she looks forward to the weekend. I am either going to have a hell of a lot of fun, or you may want to turn on the news this weekend. It might be good. Haha.

 

Better man than I could ever be. I would have reacted very differently. Not nearly as smooth as you did.

[fortyninethousand322]

Yes you can, my point was not to brag, but to say anyone can do stuff like this. But if you are the nice guy or a poor sap that puts up with women's bull**** they are going to come talk to me instead of you. Just don't be the pushover that females here claim that gets you in. It does not work.

 

Eh, I wouldn't have been a pushover. I would have got everything straight with the bartender and then angrily walked away back to my friends. In similar situations that's exactly what I've done.

 

Still doesn't get me the girls though, so it's all even I suppose.

[carhill]

Well yeah this is pretty true. I think a better way of putting it is "not caring about the outcome". Just viewing interactions with women as an ends in itself, not a means to an end. Some people are pretty good with that, others, not so much. Generally, it's a bigger problem for men to deal with than women. Again, generally.

That's a great point and thanks for clarifying. I alluded to that dynamic when talking about not aggressively pursuing women sexually. I was enjoying the now and not pushing a sexual agenda and not 'caring' about that part of the equation mattering. That mindset kept virginity firmly in hand until I departed the setpoint and caring enough about the 'end' result of having sex that it occurred. Had I retained the prior mindset, I'd probably still would be a virgin and wouldn't have had LTR's nor been married. I literally had to 'will it' to happen. Literally and figuratively and aggressively pursue it. Perhaps that is outlier experience. I still hear the word 'abnormal' from my exW ringing in my ear so perhaps I do see the world differently and describe 'care' and 'agenda' differently than other men. That sounds reasonable. Variety is the spice of life, eh?

[phineas]

Ive tried this method my first 31 years of beign laid back and not overly agressive and its gottne me nowhere..

 

The play it cool i dont care playfuly ignore women thing oinly owrks if youre good looking and women approach you..

 

If you're not attratcive you have to be super pro active and play the numbers game until one finally hits..

 

When I was fat I had to go talk to the woman.

When I got in shape they came to me.

 

Women like guys who are comfortable in their own skin. Too many when they are trying to meet someone put the aura of needy on them...even if they think they aren't.

 

When you're the guy who can have fun by himself or without the concern of having a SO, then women notice that and get attracted to it. They know you're fun, rather than a dull guy who's only pretending to be fun to get a girl.

 

Hmmm, last summer I would sometimes hit the bar or the free concerts alone because most of my friends are either with someone or work long hrs.

 

So i'd be hanging out alone enjoying the band & beer & i'd have women do that thing where they all of sudden are standing next to me or would be in a group of friends & one would be staring at me to make it obvious & i'd go say hi.

 

Of course i'm checking every woman out & I don't care if they know either.

[Radu]

When I was fat I had to go talk to the woman.

When I got in shape they came to me.

 

 

 

Hmmm, last summer I would sometimes hit the bar or the free concerts alone because most of my friends are either with someone or work long hrs.

 

So i'd be hanging out alone enjoying the band & beer & i'd have women do that thing where they all of sudden are standing next to me or would be in a group of friends & one would be staring at me to make it obvious & i'd go say hi.

 

Of course i'm checking every woman out & I don't care if they know either.

 

 

I actually read one of your posts where you mentioned this, and i can't wait to try it out.

[stillafool]

I dislike how people have this need to be hitched so bad. I agree, live the moment and stop getting all woozy and crazy trying to find a GF or BF, it's not everything in life.

It just seems like such a pain, I'd rather just let it happen if it does, if it doesn't, then fine, but I'm not dedicating my entire life to finding some other human to be with.

 

Finally find a GF everything is all good, having fun, bike riding, love, her and your mom cook pies together, ect ect.....6 years pass.....BAM!!! I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMNORE! I NEED A CHANGE! OR......She cheated on you.

 

6 years down the drain, start over.....pfffttt no thanks.

 

I agree entirely....people need to ease up a bit and not stress so much , because they don't have a GF/BF 24/7.....

 

Finally someone said it. I've never seen so many people who are desperate to be in a relationship as lately. Is it the economy or is it spring fever?

[fortyninethousand322]

Finally someone said it. I've never seen so many people who are desperate to be in a relationship as lately. Is it the economy or is it spring fever?

 

I pick option c: naturally desperate. I've been pining for a relationship for 7 years now. At this point I'd settle for my first kiss or holding hands.

[EasyHeart]

I think of it in terms of making a sale.

 

A salesman who sits back and waits for the customers to come to him is not going to close many deals. The only way it happens is in the rare situation where he has a product that everyone wants, so they'll come to him without him having to do any work. But those situations are very unusual. Most salesmen who aren't out there looking for customers are going to starve.

 

At the other extreme is the high-pressure salesman. This is the guy who's not going to let you leave the store without buying something. Or he's going to call you over and over again, even when you've told him you're not interested. After a while, you're afraid to pick up your phone because it might be him, or you're afraid to walk down the sidewalk in front of his store because he'll come running out trying to sell to you. Again. And again. No matter how many times you say, "No!!!"

 

Those are same two extremes we see in dating. The guy who waits for women to come to him and expects women to do all the work is going to be waiting a very long time (unless he is the rare person who is ridiculously handsome, rich and charming). That's not the way it works in real life: salesmen chase customers and single men chase single women.

 

OTH, the desperate guy who reflexively uses high-pressure sales techniques is also going to be lonely, because he's scaring away all of his potential dates. Just like consumers get suspicious when someone tries to pressure them into a sale (because subconsciously we assume there must be something wrong with the product), guys who are desperate and pushy are telling women that there's something wrong with them.

 

In the middle is the guy who spends a lot of time making contacts even though he knows most of them are never going to pan out, diligently follows up his leads, experiments with different ways to brand and sell his product, makes changes to his product if it isn't selling, knows that people are his best referrals, and who knows that most sales calls aren't going to land any business but picks himself up and tries again every time he's rejected. That's the guy who ends being a star salesman, and it's also the kind of guy who ends up getting lots and lots of dates.

[carhill]

While I love the sales angle, one must also consider the 'product'. Even the best, most moderate and efficient salesperson will have difficulty selling a product that appeals to only a narrow range of potential customers. Usually, 'star' salespeople qualify the product and don't waste their time unless it's going to be profitable time for them. In dating, who we are is the 'product'. If that product appeals to a very narrow demographic, and such appeal is outside of one's control, then one must necessarily consider that factor in their decision-making process.

 

Using myself and my existence in the same locale for 50+ years, I have a great sales history to draw upon. At some point I had to come to accept that my product did not appeal to the local customers, in general. I tweaked it, changed the sales pitch, offered incentives, targeted various demographics. The results were what they were.

 

All of that took care and, to a certain degree, an agenda to prosecute it. That period is now over. I care about other things now. I like where I live, irrespective of selling my 'product' to the locals, and need to really enjoy that and thank the deity of my choice for the good health to be able to. And so I will.