sam2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hi How do you deal with this? The idea that she will be with someone else kills me. Not so much the sex but just that she will make the same connection with someone else as she had with me after thinking what we had was unique. Like I see her on POF. So she's looking for other guys. Even if I hadn’t seen her pn the site it’s obvious sooner or later she will meet someone else. Just gutted knowing it's not me who's gonna end up with her.
Philosoraptor Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 That will fade. I had the same issue and you'll let that go once you come to the acceptance that the relationship didn't work out. 1
janbaz Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I am messing with the same issue right now. It's been nine months of NC. But the acceptance state is not occurring.
Philosoraptor Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I am messing with the same issue right now. It's been nine months of NC. But the acceptance state is not occurring. It's not the time but what you do with it. Figure out how to best help your own healing and follow that path. 1
radiodarcy Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 this used to eat away at me to the point i was practically pulling my hair out by the roots. honestly - - it just takes time. i think for me - - what helped in dealing with the idea of him being with someone else - - was telling myself there was nothing i could do about it anyway - - so why bothering worrying about it? ignorance really can be bliss at times like this. my ex contacted me after close to 8 months of strict NC on my part to tell me that not only did he have a new gf but that she is pregnant with his child and due in may!i'm not going to lie - - it messed with my head quite a bit. but because i had started to heal by then -- i got over it within a week. now it doesn't really bother me. and i can honestly say - - i don't even think about him or the fact that he's with someone else all that much.
Mack05 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 That will fade. I had the same issue and you'll let that go once you come to the acceptance that the relationship didn't work out. I agree with Philo. It's hard to picture somene you love with someone else. You can either feel sorry for yourself and drive yourself nuts, or use it as fuel and motivation to go get a woman you deserve in life...Then you won't have to picture anything.. You won't get that woman feeling sorry for yourself, picturing your ex with another bloke...Think how happy your going to be, when you first tell your new partner you love each other and then stroke her hair while she gently sleeps and you can't believe how lucky you are...Nicer to picture isn't it? Get off the laptop and put the building blocks in place to go get her! 2
Nohbody Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 tonight i can write the saddest lines - pablo neruda - YouTube This is something that everyone has to go through. There is no pat answer and there is no process that I am aware of. Willfully detaching emotionally from the other person seems to be the only way to go. Understand you have no control of and no claim to anyone. Do not internalize what another person does, it does not reflect on you and is no longer your concern. You have to be strong, and you have to continue for yourself. 2
Mack05 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 my ex contacted me after close to 8 months of strict NC on my part to tell me that not only did he have a new gf but that she is pregnant with his child and due in may!i'm not going to lie - - it messed with my head quite a bit. Radio why do they do that!? 'I have a new boyfriend and the happiest I have been in my life after 6 weeks yay me, in your face crappy ex I hate!' What age are they? 8? 1
radiodarcy Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Radio why do they do that!? 'I have a new boyfriend and the happiest I have been in my life after 6 weeks yay me, in your face crappy ex I hate!' What age are they? 8? honestly Mack, i wish i knew. i really think that people who do that are very insecure and once we stop giving them the attention that - - in my ex's case - -they took for granted - - they need to feel important to us in some way -- so they come back and dangle their new relationships in our face. because they know that's an easy way to get a reaction out of us. i also think it's their way of gauging who's getting on better us or them. but yes - - it's extremely childish, my ex will never grow up - - he is a 37 and still playing these games at this point i pity him for it more than anything else... 3
Philosoraptor Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Radio why do they do that!? 'I have a new boyfriend and the happiest I have been in my life after 6 weeks yay me, in your face crappy ex I hate!' What age are they? 8? "Winning" the breakup is important to many as they need validation that they are better off without their ex. To do this oftentimes they attack you to bring you down rather than raising themselves up. It is pity worthy and while they are still overly concerned with you, you are moving on and away from them. 2
olivec Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hi How do you deal with this? The idea that she will be with someone else kills me. Not so much the sex but just that she will make the same connection with someone else as she had with me after thinking what we had was unique. Like I see her on POF. So she's looking for other guys. Even if I hadn’t seen her pn the site it’s obvious sooner or later she will meet someone else. Just gutted knowing it's not me who's gonna end up with her. Unfortunately its the sad reality of a breakup that eventually your ex will meet someone else. Sometimes its quick and sometime it doesn't happen for awhile. Ultimately like others have said it will pass and your feelings of loss will go away in time. The reason why it still hurts is because your still in denial mood thinking that she may change her mind and come back to you. Its only until you've accepted the breakup that these feelings will go away. trust me i know it hurts i saw my ex on match.com about a month after our breakup. i'm just glad i decided not to go on that site. Hang in there man and it will pass trust me.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hi How do you deal with this? The idea that she will be with someone else kills me. Not so much the sex but just that she will make the same connection with someone else as she had with me after thinking what we had was unique. Like I see her on POF. So she's looking for other guys. Even if I hadn’t seen her pn the site it’s obvious sooner or later she will meet someone else. Just gutted knowing it's not me who's gonna end up with her. I Sam. I went through this not to long ago. I don't see my ex as he lives an hour away, but....I managed to see him all over Facebook showing off his new g/f. Did it sting? Sure, but it didn't last very long and I know what this girl is getting, LOL!!!! They are eventually going to meet someone new, but I don't think they will have the same dynamic as they did with us--we are all different. POF is gross...That's just my opinion...Your ex will meet someone. Throw him back, go back on POF, meet another, it won't work out, etc. By the time she meets someone official, you will have been over her to care. 1
The Great Gazoo Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 tonight i can write the saddest lines - pablo neruda - YouTube . Wow Thank you. So where I'm at -- firmly wedged between mourning and indifference
fucpcg Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 For me the rough part is seeing my ex with a number of guys since our split, while refusing to talk to me about our relationship. I sit there and think "how can hooking up with all these random idiots be better than just talking to me about our relationship". Even better, a friend of a friend was standing next to me when out last Saturday night at the bar, and he starts referencing "look at that hot blond over there across the bar". I almost had to vomit. Every time I think about it I still want to vomit. A year since our break, there is still only one woman that I have any attraction to, and it's her. I've hooked up twice myself, once with my ex ex, and once with a new girl. Both experiences were a disaster, and that was really surprising because my ex ex and I always had good sex, but it went horrible. I just don't get it, but guess it's not for me to get.
xxSRMxx Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I agree with b&b POF is AWFUL.... Thats partly why I suffer with pain over it, the thought of him introducing a new girl to the family, his friends, his life, the flat that we built up, the bed we shared....i could go on. I am dreading the day it happens.. But i do know one thing, theyll never have the bond that me and him had. and he will never meet another like ME and yes while i made mistakes I am currently putting those right so in my next relationship its better. so while i work on my issues and make MYSELF a better person....hes completely lost out. 1
robkris8079 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 every time this feeling comes into my head, whether it be intimate or hanging out or whatever I say the same thing to myself. I should be doing the same thing. I don't get mad or sad or anything toward my ex. I feel it on myself and say again I should be doing the same thing.
brneyedgrl Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 When I think of my ex being with someone else (which he already is because he can't seem to handle being alone) I realize that his issues and the drama that he caused within our relationship is a part of who he is. He has not changed or worked on himself which means that this new girl will have to deal with the same sh** I did. I does make me feel a bit better knowing I will be able to move on into a healthy relationship and he will keep doing what he always has, clinging to a normal person to make him feel as though he has no depression or anxiety issues. Try to think of the little things that they did that made you wonder whether they were really the one or not. Usually in hindsight you'll be able to see that those inner gut feelings were trying to tell you something, they definitely were trying to tell me something. 4
fificremefarben Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 tonight i can write the saddest lines - pablo neruda - YouTube This is something that everyone has to go through. There is no pat answer and there is no process that I am aware of. Willfully detaching emotionally from the other person seems to be the only way to go. Understand you have no control of and no claim to anyone. Do not internalize what another person does, it does not reflect on you and is no longer your concern. You have to be strong, and you have to continue for yourself. Thanks for posting this link! I've always loved this poem since I studied it at university, but I like it even more in spoken form! So beautiful!
olivec Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 For me the rough part is seeing my ex with a number of guys since our split, while refusing to talk to me about our relationship. I sit there and think "how can hooking up with all these random idiots be better than just talking to me about our relationship". Even better, a friend of a friend was standing next to me when out last Saturday night at the bar, and he starts referencing "look at that hot blond over there across the bar". I almost had to vomit. Every time I think about it I still want to vomit. A year since our break, there is still only one woman that I have any attraction to, and it's her. I've hooked up twice myself, once with my ex ex, and once with a new girl. Both experiences were a disaster, and that was really surprising because my ex ex and I always had good sex, but it went horrible. I just don't get it, but guess it's not for me to get. The reason it was horrible is because your still in rebound mood and nobody is gunna make you get over your ex until you come to grips with it and move on. Thats why rebounding never works man trust me i know.
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Try to think of the little things that they did that made you wonder whether they were really the one or not. Usually in hindsight you'll be able to see that those inner gut feelings were trying to tell you something, they definitely were trying to tell me something. This has helped me tremendously. If we trust our revisionist prone memory it's too easy to rationalize and ignore the things that were really wrong. In fact I find myself moving from a phase of listing things out specifically to a place where I realize the details really do not matter. They were just symptoms of a deeper issue, and the bottom line is we just did not see the world through the same eyes and that tainted every thing that happened. Furthermore it is such a fundamentally flawed foundation that we would never have been able to over come it. Understanding this has been crucial to my recovery. To get back on topic, try to remember that your ex is not going to magically transform into a different person as soon as they hook up with somebody else. No matter how rosey they want everyone to think things are, they are still the same person. They have not changed into Mr/Mrs perfect any more than we have. 1
Sophie99 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 It's defiantly tough, but when I think this, I always make myself think of these two things... 1) Now the new girl will have to put up with his selfish and sometimes emotionally abusive ways (I'm not wishing it on her - just feels good that I'M away from that now). 2) I think about ME falling in love with someone new, not my ex, someone who is much better matched to me. Something to look forward to Take care 2
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