Standing_Firm Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Does separation work? Instead of divorce? Or does it ultimately lead to divorce? Some of you may have seen some of my other posts. Wife and I are having a rough time right now. First bump in almost 20 years of marriage and it is really doing a number on us. To make a long story short............some boundaries which we had established early on in our marriage were crossed which led to an untrue accusation by me. She has forgiven, but has NOT forgotten. Now, every time that we have a disagreement or an argument, I am having an 'episode' and am now being considered a 'verbal abuser'. I HAVE, during a couple of occasions, left the house in anger for fear that I might say something that I would regret later. For 19 years, I have the needs of my wife and my children before my own! Period! Now it seems that all of my hard work over the last 19 years has gone down the tube in 4 short months . She told me last night that she wants some space away from me right now. She also said that if we could afford it, she would prefer that I leave for a period. I DO have a place to go.........should I do it? Would it hurt the marriage even more?? I truly love this woman and want to be with her and her alone! But in the same breath, I would like to NOT feel like a 'visitor" in my own home. She told my counselor yesterday that she does NOT want the marriage to end, that she still thinks that I am a good man and the one for her...............but she is very hurt and angry right now. She also believes that it is 100% my fault for the situation we are in.............I would disagree, but it is hard to talk to a brick wall also! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Philosoraptor Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 If both people want things to work in the end and use the time to correct the issues they bring to the relationship, then yes, it can work. If one or both people do not want things to work then it's just putting off divorce for a bit. 1
analystfromhell Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Under NO circumstances should you leave the house- stay there and stay calm regardless. If she wants a separation, she can leave. Don't ever leave.... 2
worldgonewrong Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 First of all, what Philosoraptor wrote is 100% correct. Secondly, Standing_Firm - what you wrote above equals what I would've written a year ago. Your words mirror my situation closely. The good news is that she has told her counselor that she doesn't want the marriage to end. The bad news is that booting someone out for 'space' doesn't necessarily solve the problem(s); it's running from the problem(s). My advice in the short-term: 1. read all various threads here to get a feel for various scenarios 2. make sure you're not broomed out the door quickly, without discussion, because - once out, it's difficult to get back in. trust me on this. 1
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Under NO circumstances should you leave the house- stay there and stay calm regardless. If she wants a separation, she can leave. Don't ever leave.... That is the advice that I have been getting from other circles as well. It is going to be TOUGH staying on the couch for a while especially since up till 4 months ago we had a very loving and caring marriage. Right now, she does not want anything to do with me ...............hopefully with a little 'emotional' separation that will return in time.............
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 First of all, what Philosoraptor wrote is 100% correct. Secondly, Standing_Firm - what you wrote above equals what I would've written a year ago. Your words mirror my situation closely. The good news is that she has told her counselor that she doesn't want the marriage to end. The bad news is that booting someone out for 'space' doesn't necessarily solve the problem(s); it's running from the problem(s). My advice in the short-term: 1. read all various threads here to get a feel for various scenarios 2. make sure you're not broomed out the door quickly, without discussion, because - once out, it's difficult to get back in. trust me on this. Well, when she said that she wanted 'space' last night, that meant, IMO, just leave her alone for a while. Unfortunately, I am a touchy, feely, type of guy. I like to hug my wife, hold her hand, rub her back, etc., etc. This is going to be rough for me............maybe right now that is what she needs though.
worldgonewrong Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I'm the same way, Standing_Firm. If one's touchy-feeling and the other is resolutely ice-y, look out. I spent like 3 months almost sleeping on the couch before things went to sh_t. I mean, it's bad enough sleeping on the couch, but I mean, separation thereafter and now hurtling toward divorce. Just watch your back. Trust me on this.
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 That is the advice that I have been getting from other circles as well. Yep, and I'll echo it too. DO NOT LEAVE. There is no such thing as a "trial separation", "needing space", or any of those other bollox phrases that people use. I'll tell you what they MEAN when they say that... they mean "I want a divorce but I want to sugar coat it so you don't get angry, so you'll move out peacefully, you'll carry on paying the mortgage while I live here, and I'll get a better financial outcome". Also highly likely there is 3rd party involvement when needing space or thinking time is mentioned. Judging by the other things you mention I would be highly surprised if there isn't a 3rd party involved here. It is going to be TOUGH staying on the couch Yes, I imagine your wife will find it quite tough sleeping on the couch. She is the one who wants the separation isn't she, so it should be HER who leaves the bed. 3
elfman Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Does separation work? Instead of divorce? Or does it ultimately lead to divorce? Some of you may have seen some of my other posts. Wife and I are having a rough time right now. First bump in almost 20 years of marriage and it is really doing a number on us. To make a long story short............some boundaries which we had established early on in our marriage were crossed which led to an untrue accusation by me. She has forgiven, but has NOT forgotten. Now, every time that we have a disagreement or an argument, I am having an 'episode' and am now being considered a 'verbal abuser'. I HAVE, during a couple of occasions, left the house in anger for fear that I might say something that I would regret later. For 19 years, I have the needs of my wife and my children before my own! Period! Now it seems that all of my hard work over the last 19 years has gone down the tube in 4 short months . She told me last night that she wants some space away from me right now. She also said that if we could afford it, she would prefer that I leave for a period. I DO have a place to go.........should I do it? Would it hurt the marriage even more?? I truly love this woman and want to be with her and her alone! But in the same breath, I would like to NOT feel like a 'visitor" in my own home. She told my counselor yesterday that she does NOT want the marriage to end, that she still thinks that I am a good man and the one for her...............but she is very hurt and angry right now. She also believes that it is 100% my fault for the situation we are in.............I would disagree, but it is hard to talk to a brick wall also! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!! Hey man, It doesn't seem to me that the situation is that bad at the moment, your wife did not say I want a divorce, now did she? I too will say DO NOT leave the house. I recommend MC and 180... If you are about to spend 4 months in a couch, and have some sort of financial leeway, I would set up a small room in the attic, outhouse, barn, etc... Make sure you let her know you are doing this to respect her wishes. In my own experience, (from separated/divorced friends), I have to agree with the previous poster that said separation is usually just a way to sugarcoat a divorce. 9 out of 10 times separation only drives the marriage further apart. Another thing to consider here is maybe consult a lawyer to get some pointers as to what are the do's and don't for being separated while living with your wife, which seems like what you are about to embark on. In my country, separation is the only way to get a divorce if you have no provable grounds of adultery, substance abuse or domestic violence. You separate for a year to avoid a divorce lawsuit that could take upwards of 5 years. I know in the US adultery does not constitute an offense to give the BS any legal advantage, unlike here. Still, I would prepare for the worst and work for the best. You say you love her, and trust me, this is important. BUT in my own experience a disgruntled/separated/Walk-away wife has a quick way of making that love you have for her evaporate faster than ice in the Sahara, so you have to consider this. In my case, (you can read my story), I was totally devoted to my wife, and in only a short month she has hurt me so much that right now I just want her out of my life. Hope everything works out for you. E. P.S: Have you ever done marriage counseling?
standtall Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Don't leave...just give her the space and 180 while your there.
PWSX3 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Lets see if we can make this short. I was married 28 years, wife didn't love me anymore, etc. etc. I thought it was all her fault why we were having issues but everyone knows it's 50-50 no matter what either say. Separated, got back together, separated again & got divorced. We also had done counseling, but the wife admits she never was really into it so it didn't work. While separated I learned that I was controlling, but I didn't see it because that is how I grew up, that is how my dad was & even my uncles, old school I guess you could call it. So I worked on me, joined classes at a local church, took a divorce care class & started to do things to change me & trust me when you start looking at your own faults it's not easy or fun, but well worth it. The positive of this is even if your marriage doesn't work out it will make you a better person. Another suggestion is watch the movie; Fireproof, it's a christian based movie, but still has good stuff in it. So I would suggest giving her the space she is asking for, totally understand being the touchy guy cause I'm that way, but get some good books, start reading & start seeing what you can do different. It's not just providing for a family that women want. Think back when you first dated, what were things you did to get the interest of your wife? Start doing some of them again. I understand right now she is pissed & doesn't want anything to do with you, but this will take time, her not liking you didn't happen overnight. WE can't make people change, but changes we make in ourselves can make people change on how they feel about us. Remember it will be an up & down battle, and it will take time & yes you will get frustrated many times. And for me, after 3 years divorced, me & the ex wife got married again & yes it still takes work. 1
carhill Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Does separation work? Instead of divorce? It can for some people. People who don't want to divorce for social or religious reasons can live separated for their entire lives in a healthy state. Others might find the 'breathing room' of separation to help them re-center themselves and their feelings for their partner/spouse. My personal experience was that it made it pretty easy to ignore the marriage. Or does it ultimately lead to divorce? It did in our case but I don't know that the separation itself was the predominant reason. It could have been contributory or merely coincidental. Hard to know. Our MC, who presided during our separation, opined that separation is a clear pathway to divorce and strongly suggested we do consistent work on the M while separated physically. My exW ended up living in my mother's vacant home and I visited often. We later started cohabiting again and continued MC.
K Os Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Dont leave...but leave the couch. Get back in your own frigging bed!!! I agree with this. Late last year I spent quite a bit of time sleeping in the car because I absolutely refused to sleep on the couch or anywhere else in the house except our bed (sounds odd, but it worked). She saw how rough I was looking, relented and we slept in our bed together again (just slept). Then just after Christmas she moved to the couch of her own accord. Now the bedroom is my space, and she sleeps on the couch even when I'm away. And that's how it should be. I'm not leaving the house or the bed or the marriage - she is. It was a tough battle in a war I'm probably going to lose anyway, but no less important to me for that. 1
analystfromhell Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I see no reason for you to be sleeping on the couch either- you've done nothing wrong here and she is not the boss of the bed, the house or anything else. If nothing else, sleeping on the couch should be a 50/50 thing. I'm glad you're sticking with holding your ground; perseverance is 75% of the battle- maybe more.
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