I think it may be over

[Little Blue Bird]

Hi LS guys and gals

 

I will try to keep this brief but can add more detail if necessary.

 

I met a guy online about 7 months ago, we are in different countries and although we were initially just friends we soon developed feelings for each other and we agreed that I should visit asap, so we arranged it for February but a month before he backed out saying that, for a variety of reasons, he couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with me but didn't want to lose me (we'd already promised to be best friends no matter what). Anyway after a strained week we started chatting again and he admitted that he had made a big mistake and eventually, after some trepidation on my part, we started to talk about our future together again and me visiting was a frequent topic of conversation.

 

I said that I could visit in June after my semester ends (I'm a University student) but when I mentioned some dates, he seemed a little apathetic, didn't offer an alternative and just told me to visit when I could. I was worried he was flaking out again so I changed the subject for fear of being hurt.

 

A couple of days later when it was mentioned he said that he had been a little sad that I had given up so easily and since that time he has been less affectionate. He was still talking about our future however, just stopped telling me that he loved me.

 

We were both away on short vacations last week so knew communication would be difficult but I emailed when I could and he always responded, he was keen for me to get home so we could chat and he told me that he missed me (which he did all the time), that was the last time he said it. Since he returned from his vacation he has become emotionally distant, friendly but he hasn't called me hun or babes for a week and hasn't emailed me during his lunch break (which he did every night up until this point) and hasn't talked about me visiting or our future once. I tried asking him about it in an email last week but he failed to respond, however he did mention something that I said in a later email regarding an incident I had witnessed, so I can only think that he either read it but didn't think it was an issue or deleted it unread.

 

Now bearing in mind he isn't usually backwards in coming forwards with his opinions, sometimes bordering on bluntness, so I can't see him calling our relationship off without telling me but then why has he become so distant. I'm very confused and it's starting to make me sick and I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you in advance for reading x

[january2011]

My initial thoughts are that he has met someone else.

 

Even if he hasn't, I would let this one go. When you're in an LDR, you can't afford to talk at cross-purposes or not respond to messages, because communication is all you've really got until you can be together in person. And his lukewarm reactions to meeting up don't seem very promising.

 

Move on and find someone who is more enthusiastic about being in a relationship.

[Little Blue Bird]

My initial thoughts are that he has met someone else.

 

Even if he hasn't, I would let this one go. When you're in an LDR, you can't afford to talk at cross-purposes or not respond to messages, because communication is all you've really got until you can be together in person. And his lukewarm reactions to meeting up don't seem very promising.

 

Move on and find someone who is more enthusiastic about being in a relationship.

At the start of this we promised we tell each other if we met someone else but I have just emailed him again and asked him if he has (amongst other things).

 

He was enthusiastic about meeting until last week, before we both went on vacation. We ended up talking at crossed wires about my visit, both misinterpreting each others responses.

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend last month so one would hope that he would have the decency to tell me if he'd met someone else, he's generally exceptionally honest and open.

 

He made a subtle hint on Monday in an IM when we were discussing baseball when he said "wait until you've lived and died with this team and tell me that and see if I don't punch you :P" when we were discussing his teams loss and my optimism that they would live to fight another day. He also said when we're were discussing a dvd I was watching "you need me there to talk it up while you watch".

 

He also sent me a link to an Nike ad he'd seen about a long distance couples attempts to run across the country to be together saying "tell me you don't think that this is awesome", I didn't know whether to take it as a hint or whether I was reading too much into it? Ugh!!

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't understand why he said he'd been a little sad that you 'had given up so easily'? You didn't give up, you said you could visit in June and he was apathetic, you needed some enthusiasm from him, it takes two to make things work. He thought you'd given up as you didn't force the issue? If that's the case why should you have to force the issue? If he wants to see you he should show some enthusiasm, you've done nothing wrong here.

 

It sounds like he's passing the buck here, making out the problem is with you and not him, to me it's clear the problem is with him. You wanted to meet and he didn't.

Not everyone is cut out, or or can be bothered with LDR's and the effort they require, or the difficulties they bring, sounds like he wanted out as soon as a relation seemed on the cards.

 

From what you've said here he wants friendship only. If you're wanting more then it might be an idea to stop contact for a while, unless your feelings aren't strong enough (you've not actually met yet I mean) to make it hard to be just friends, stopping contact means you let go of emotional bonds and come back when you're ready to just be friends. You don't even have to explain to him what you're doing.

Or you can say to him again, you feel like you're just friends lately as he's become distant, and that you understand if he'd rather just be friends, but that *you* might need some space for a while first.

Good luck.

 

Hi LS guys and gals

 

I will try to keep this brief but can add more detail if necessary.

 

I met a guy online about 7 months ago, we are in different countries and although we were initially just friends we soon developed feelings for each other and we agreed that I should visit asap, so we arranged it for February but a month before he backed out saying that, for a variety of reasons, he couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with me but didn't want to lose me (we'd already promised to be best friends no matter what). Anyway after a strained week we started chatting again and he admitted that he had made a big mistake and eventually, after some trepidation on my part, we started to talk about our future together again and me visiting was a frequent topic of conversation.

 

I said that I could visit in June after my semester ends (I'm a University student) but when I mentioned some dates, he seemed a little apathetic, didn't offer an alternative and just told me to visit when I could. I was worried he was flaking out again so I changed the subject for fear of being hurt.

 

A couple of days later when it was mentioned he said that he had been a little sad that I had given up so easily and since that time he has been less affectionate. He was still talking about our future however, just stopped telling me that he loved me.

 

We were both away on short vacations last week so knew communication would be difficult but I emailed when I could and he always responded, he was keen for me to get home so we could chat and he told me that he missed me (which he did all the time), that was the last time he said it. Since he returned from his vacation he has become emotionally distant, friendly but he hasn't called me hun or babes for a week and hasn't emailed me during his lunch break (which he did every night up until this point) and hasn't talked about me visiting or our future once. I tried asking him about it in an email last week but he failed to respond, however he did mention something that I said in a later email regarding an incident I had witnessed, so I can only think that he either read it but didn't think it was an issue or deleted it unread.

 

Now bearing in mind he isn't usually backwards in coming forwards with his opinions, sometimes bordering on bluntness, so I can't see him calling our relationship off without telling me but then why has he become so distant. I'm very confused and it's starting to make me sick and I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you in advance for reading x

[HeavenOrHell]

The first two quotes don't sound like hints to me, just stuff friends might say, the third quote is sweet, but might be wishful thinking on his part, when the reality of LDR's is that they're far from easy. His actions speak louder than words.

 

At the start of this we promised we tell each other if we met someone else but I have just emailed him again and asked him if he has (amongst other things).

 

He was enthusiastic about meeting until last week, before we both went on vacation. We ended up talking at crossed wires about my visit, both misinterpreting each others responses.

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend last month so one would hope that he would have the decency to tell me if he'd met someone else, he's generally exceptionally honest and open.

 

He made a subtle hint on Monday in an IM when we were discussing baseball when he said "wait until you've lived and died with this team and tell me that and see if I don't punch you :P" when we were discussing his teams loss and my optimism that they would live to fight another day. He also said when we're were discussing a dvd I was watching "you need me there to talk it up while you watch".

 

He also sent me a link to an Nike ad he'd seen about a long distance couples attempts to run across the country to be together saying "tell me you don't think that this is awesome", I didn't know whether to take it as a hint or whether I was reading too much into it? Ugh!!

[Little Blue Bird]

Thanks heaven

 

This is not his first LDR and we did have a blip a few months in when he got scared and flaked only to tell me a week later that he'd made a massive mistake. His original LDR was with someone he had met though then she had had to move for work.

 

To be fair, his apathy may not have been apathy at all, he had just finished a night shift and was, by that point, getting very tired and he does have a tendency to remove himself from the situation when he's upset then comes back out of his cave a few hours later. I took his response "you can come whenever you want" to be apathy but I think he genuinely meant that I could go whenever I wanted.

 

After the blip in January, it was him that did the intial chasing, I was much more cautious and as I said, things were fine until Monday of last week when he said that he missed me and things seem to have spiralled down hill since then. But he asked me to be his girlfriend and initated moving our relationship forward, not me. We talked, at length about me relocating to where he lives, buying a house, being a family, it wasn't all one sided on my part by any means.

 

All as I'm asking for is a little honesty from him, surely that's not too much to ask and usually he is exceptionally honest which is one of the things that I love about him.

[rosadeldesierto]

Unfortunately my story is not very inspiring but maybe it could give you some light. I was in a 3 years LDR with this awesome guy. We live in different countries.

 

1) In my opinion, when you met online and think you connected, then you need to rush for meeting in person. Sadly, your virtual bf is avoiding that.

 

2) Because I couldn't handle with him getting so cold, distant and not affectionate -I blamed lack of physical contact, besides our relationship was a sort of no end in sight, then I broke up first. I was not happy but feeling so miserable all the time.

 

3) People can fake. After breakup, we got back together because I begged him. I was so in love and felt it was worse not having him in my life or being just friends. He came to visit and proposed. After 11 months of engagement, he dumped me. He sugar coated his reasons. Apparently, the trigger it was that I used a this stupid white lie because I was not in the mood to go online because yes, he was not affectionate again. Well, overnight he found he couldn't go further. I am mad at him because my family was involved and he wasted my time. I think he just got an excuse to get rid of me. But I am honest regarding our situation: it was not easy at all because we were dealing with money issues his side and immigration difficulties for me.

 

Sorry if I'm a downer. I am not saying that all LDR when you met online and living in different countries cannot work. Hopefully some people have succeeded. But for sure I can tell you that at some point they become draining and bring tons of despair. My advice for you is to save yourself from pain.

 

Best regards.

[Little Blue Bird]

Well he finally answered me tonight and you were right. He's met someone but he didn't have to bottle to tell me. He met her the weekend I went away on holiday i.e. two weeks ago. He did the usual (well I expect is the usual), told me that he loved me but it's just too hard to maintain I relationship that is built on hope that might never come to fruition in reality. So him asking me to be his girlfriend and telling me that he wanted to marry me were all BS. Thanks a bunch. He did all the chasing, made me think I was going to be a mum to his kids and this is how he treats me. Glad I found out now. Well lesson learned, I've just wasted 7 months of my life on a total loser.

[rosadeldesierto]

Little blue bird,

 

I am so sorry to hear that but the sooner the better... I am trying to convince myself that those 3 years I spent with my ex online were not such a waste of time in order to heal, but it's not easy yet:(.

 

My best wishes