Man in love, don't know what else to do

[Jasra]

The backstory. Don't want to be too specific, so exuse me if some things seem too generalized in some areas. Hope this isn't too long for you to read.

 

There is this woman I've known for a little over six months now. We work at the same company together. At first we were friendly with each other, as most co-workers are. But it slowly took a slight turn. We started to lightly flirt with each other for around a month. Nothing too much, jokes and what not. At first I couldn't believe it was anything other than her being nice to me. So I gathered my courage and was all set to ask her out on a date one day, when I heard her drop the 'B' word (boyfriend) while she was talking to another co-worker. I was glad I hadn't asked her, but I was literally minutes away. Fast forward almost two months. Still light flirting, not too much else. Then I find out her boyfriend broke up with her. 'Well now I'll at least have some chance down the line' I thought to myself.

 

Fast forward a few weeks, and we've started to flirt a lot more. Lot more touching now. Whether it's me grabbing her hand to check out her new nail polish (which isn't the main goal there, it's just an exuse to touch her), or her standing next to me and letting her chest rub up against me. So now I figure I should make my move, lest somebody else beat me to the punch. I ask her out on a date out of the blue, and she says yes. Wow was I on cloud 9 that day. We go on the date, and it's awesome. We had lots of fun together. However, she is a lot more shy when we are saying good bye, and it gives me pause. Because she was a little more aggresive when we are flirting. So I end up chickening out and not kissing her. Still kick myself for this.

 

Fast forward almost two weeks later ? Still flirting, still touching, etc. She asks ME when we can go on another date. Wow ! I thought. So I tell her anytime is cool with me. So we end up going on another date, and it's cool, and I chicken out AGAIN. Don't know wtf is wrong with me. But it is what it is. Valentine's day is approaching. So I figure I want to get her something. I know I'm not officially her boyfriend or anything, but I figured 'Why not ?' I pick up some chocolates, a tiny teddy bear, and a necklace. I surprise her with the little gift bag and she's all smiles and says she feels special that I got her something and that I delivered it personally. Well that made me feel good, because I was having doubts the whole time about it. Turns out my gut was mostly right. Maybe the necklace gave her a little pause ? It's not like it was a diamond or something. It wasn't massively expensive, or dollar store cheap. It was just nice.

 

Move forward another few weeks. She ends up getting back together with her ex. Ugh. We were still a little flirty, but it was toned down now, sort of back to how it was in the beginning. For those few weeks me and her got closer as friends too. She talked to me about her life. Her problems, her dreams, etc. 'Great, now I'm in the friend-zone' I think. Lovely, that's absolutely NOT where I want to be.

 

Few more weeks and this time she dumps him. 'Well at least she KNOWS now that he isn't good for her' is my next thought. Few weeks, general flirting/joking. She ends up meeting another guy and spends some time with him. Few weeks more, and our flirting seems to be rising once more.

 

And out of the blue she sends me a message that says 'I miss you'. Wow. I was a little taken aback. But not wanting to miss an opportunity, I of course say 'I miss you too'. Few more days pass, and she ends up asking me out on a date. YES ! Cloud 9 once more. We go on the date and once again it's awesome. We have loads of fun. It's so easy to talk to her. Like I've known her all my life. And it's amazing how much alike we are. But wait for it, I chicken out AGAIN. I don't know why I keep doing it. It seems like she is just waiting for me to make the move everytime the date is over and we are saying goodbye too. I wish she was more aggresive about it. But I move on.

 

Another week and I ask her out on another date, to which she says yes. We go, have fun, and wouldn't you know it ? Same story. Yeah I know, I'm an idiot, spare me the ridicule. Trust me I kick myself enough over it. These past few weeks she was also still dating this other guy as well. Which irks me a little, but I can understand her leaving her options open, especially since the way her ex hurt her.

 

Though here is another kicker. She still hangs around her ex because of his kid. She has this connection with his child, and of course he takes full advantage of it because he still wants her back. Come to find out she's had this FWB thing with him now for a few weeks. FML. FML. FML. But what can I do ?

 

So another week goes by, and she asks me out to lunch. We go and talk for hours. About anything and everything. So easy to talk to her. Come to find out she is no longer seeing the other guy. Which is plenty fine by me. But she still has the FWB deal with her ex. I only hope it's out of convienence because she likes to spend time with his kid, and figures 'why not ?' I don't know.

 

Anyway. The lunch date was great, and I don't entirely chicken out this time. Still don't kiss her...but I do tell her that I've come to care about her a lot. That I would do anything for her. Over these weeks I started to feel something really great, and really painful. Wasn't sure for a while, but turns out I love her. Even though I've never even kissed this woman, and she still has this complicated FWB bullcrap with her ex, I love her. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I admitted it to myself. Cried like a little kid because I don't feel like she feels the same. Can't listen to any songs about love anymore without being close to tears, if not bawling on a select few. Real manly eh ? Big guy crying like a little girl ? I don't like it. It sucks entirely.

 

I don't know what else to do anymore. I know I texted her the other day telling HER that I missed her, and she replied 'miss you too'. I've asked her out on another date since then, but she seems to have a wall up again, like after v-day. She says she's just crazy busy, which she is...she has two jobs AND goes to school, so her free time IS limited. But I can't help but think that if the shoe were on the other foot there I would MAKE free time somewhere in my week to see her. Still see her at work, sparingly. We still talk, still flirt. She drops hints and messages that she has no intention of getting back together with her ex fully, but to me that is all sound and fury. She still has sex with him and that's something. Something way more than I have.

 

I've been thinking lately that the next time we go on a date I'm DEFINITELY going for a kiss and probably telling her that I love her. I've run out of options I think. I'm SO tired of being so depressed over this. I want her to be with ME and me only. I want her in EVERYWAY too. This isn't just about sex. If it was I wouldn't put so much of my time and expend so much effort thinking about her. I love her. Unequivocally.

 

So...now you know the full story.

 

Should I get another date, do I tell her I love her ? If so, how do I go about it ?

 

I figured we'd go on the date, have fun, the end comes, I go for the kiss, and if she denies me, I'm going to ask what her ex has that I DON'T.

 

Then after she's done saying whatever she has to say, I'm going to tell her that I've fallen in love with her. But should she kiss me, I won't have to ask that question about her ex, and just then move on to the 'I love you' bit.

 

This whole thing has gotten so complicated. Many others have told me to just move on, but that is so much easier said than done. I figure me telling her that I love her will push it either one way or another, and I will finally know for sure if we can ever be more together.

 

All advice is welcome, please be honest. But try not to make me feel like an idiot if you can. I already kick myself more than enough over this woman.

[SJC2008]

Ok please give us your age and a little background on prior relationship history. Reason being that most people don't fall in love after 3 dates, especially after not even kissing her. Grant it you work together so you see eachother daily so I guess it's not out of the realm of possiblity, but is unlikely IMO.

 

Now, let's say you do break throug and get with her. Do you want a woman who is so sexual that she has nsa fwb's? I couldn't be with a woman like that because I'd be nervous that she wouldn't be able to contol her impulses and may have a ons one night when she's out with the gals at a bar. See what I'm getting at?

 

Either way I wouldn't tell her you love her, tell her you really want to get to know her and see where things go. Go out with her if she'll see you again and make a friggin move! She's getting hers and you won't even kiss her come on now.

[Eddie Edirol]

Jasra you already blew it. She is a women who keeps going back after guys that probably dont love her. That means she wants the challenge of tryin to earn their love. She is blowing you off because she already knows that you are infatuated with her, without even a kiss, thats chump behavior. She doesnt want a guy that will do anything for her, especially when she doesnt feel the same way, thats not how it works. If you keep telling her that you are so into her, before you even kiss her, you will lose her, if you havent already. I think you have, because she is already blowing you off.

[Jasra]

Ok please give us your age and a little background on prior relationship history. Reason being that most people don't fall in love after 3 dates, especially after not even kissing her. Grant it you work together so you see eachother daily so I guess it's not out of the realm of possiblity, but is unlikely IMO.

 

Im 27. I've had relationships here and there. But nothing ever really serious. Always around 4-8 months or so. Sex was great, that was never an issue for me, or them. We just never had tons in common. This woman feels different.

 

Now, let's say you do break throug and get with her. Do you want a woman who is so sexual that she has nsa fwb's? I couldn't be with a woman like that because I'd be nervous that she wouldn't be able to contol her impulses and may have a ons one night when she's out with the gals at a bar. See what I'm getting at?

 

No. I wouldn't be afraid because my sex drive is plenty high enough to rival her own. I've just been keeping it in check waiting for her. Trying not screw things up, become too persistant, or boring, or whatever else. I just want it to last with her. If she were with me, I'd let her know that it can only be with me or nothing else, and I know she likes it that way too. She only the fwb thing with her ex, not other guys as well.

 

Either way I wouldn't tell her you love her, tell her you really want to get to know her and see where things go.

 

I already know her. A lot. I suppose there is always more to know. But it seems like it's reaching a tipping point.

 

 

Go out with her if she'll see you again and make a friggin move! She's getting hers and you won't even kiss her come on now.

 

Intend to. If I get another date. Don't know why I've been so shy and hesitant with her, but I have.

[SJC2008]

Jasra you already blew it. She is a women who keeps going back after guys that probably dont love her. That means she wants the challenge of tryin to earn their love. She is blowing you off because she already knows that you are infatuated with her, without even a kiss, thats chump behavior. She doesnt want a guy that will do anything for her, especially when she doesnt feel the same way, thats not how it works. If you keep telling her that you are so into her, before you even kiss her, you will lose her, if you havent already. I think you have, because she is already blowing you off.

 

If she wants a challenge and wants to earn their love then he didn't blow anything. Unfortunately he didn't have a leg to stand on to begin with.

[Jasra]

Jasra you already blew it. She is a women who keeps going back after guys that probably dont love her. That means she wants the challenge of tryin to earn their love.

 

That's incredibly dumb. Really hope that isn't the case with her.

 

She doesnt want a guy that will do anything for her, especially when she doesnt feel the same way, thats not how it works.

 

She hasn't come right out and said we should only be friends at any point. She hasn't told me to back off. She just fell into this ignore type phase, like before. Either that or she truly is just too busy, which as I said wouldn't deter me personally, but I don't know for sure

 

 

If you keep telling her that you are so into her, before you even kiss her, you will lose her, if you havent already.

 

I don't KEEP telling her. I've told her ONCE. And now intend to stop talking to her as much as I have and see if she chases me once again.

 

It's so frustrating, and I don't know if I can articulate all the complexities involved. Or maybe I am and I just don't want to see it.

[Jasra]

Unfortunately he didn't have a leg to stand on to begin with.

 

Care to elaborate for me ? Very much want to learn from my mistakes.

[Imajerk17]

You blew it because you kept chickening out. You never been around girls or something?

[Imajerk17]

You blew it because you kept chickening out. So she got her needs met elsewhere. You never been around girls or something?

[SJC2008]

Care to elaborate for me ? Very much want to learn from my mistakes.

 

I'll try. Eddie Ediroll posted that he thinks she goes after men where she has to earn their love. Meaning if she likes them, she'll do what it takes to earn their love. Basically it means she has a validation problem. So what I meant was that if he was RIGHT, you didn't have a leg to stand on because if she likes you you already told her you like her, thus not fueling her validation drive.

[fluffybunny0]

Yep absolutely agree with all these guys above. You may not have blown it but I doubt you could change your behaviour to get her interested in you again. If you want to try you need to a) stop caring about her b) get a couple of other girls around and c) when she eventually does come back interested make a MOVE!

 

I know, I'm one of these girls...

[Jasra]

Basically it means she has a validation problem. So what I meant was that if he was RIGHT, you didn't have a leg to stand on because if she likes you you already told her you like her, thus not fueling her validation drive.

 

Okay, this kind of makes sense.

 

You may not have blown it but I doubt you could change your behaviour to get her interested in you again. If you want to try you need to a) stop caring about her b) get a couple of other girls around and c) when she eventually does come back interested make a MOVE!

 

This definitely makes sense. Seems like this is what happened before. I stopped interacting with her as much, had some dates with a few other girls, and then out of the blue she called me. Hmm. I'm not above dodging a character flaw, not if it's what I have to do to be with her. And yes, I know I need to kiss her. Thanks. Already beat myself up way more than anybody else could, trust me.

 

You blew it because you kept chickening out. So she got her needs met elsewhere. You never been around girls or something?

 

Like I said. It's odd. Can't explain it. Hasn't happened before. It just did this time.

[maybealone]

I'd ask her out again. If she says yes, pick her up and tell her you have no idea why but you keep chickening out when it comes to the goodnight kiss, and you don't want that to happen again. Then kiss her. At the beginning of the date. Otherwise you might spend the date fretting about it and chicken out again at then.

 

I would not bring up love in any way yet.

 

And she may have validation issues or other issues to make her keep backing off, but I'm not really in favor of changing who you are just to get a woman. For example, if you want to give a woman a gift and it makes her back off, I wouldn't say stop buying women gifts. I would say find a woman that appreciates the thoughtful person you are.

[Jasra]

She has this shell wrapped around herself. She's been hurt a lot in the past. Seems like she wants to see me sometimes, but others not. She does make special time to see me, and talks with me about many things in her life. And then another week will pass and I've barely heard a peep. Then out of the blue she sends me a message to brighten my day. It's so frustrating.

 

If she could only get away from her deadbeat ex. He's using his kid to get to her and it's sad to see. I can understand why she would have the connection with the kid, but she seems to hang out with him only to be with the kid as I said. Were it only him, I KNOW she wouldn't be around him at all. How the hell do I get around this obstacle ? I could never ask her to stop seeing the kid.

 

I want so much to just tell her I love her. Just to let her know how much I care. I've said things before, and have shown a very large amount of interest in her. She knows this. But she hasn't heard me express my FULL emotions.

 

She drops comments sometimes when she's feeling sad and I comfort her saying something like 'I still think you're great' and she replies 'you don't know all of me' or something of that nature. There isn't more to know. I know she has flaws. Flaws she's afraid will make me pull away. She has said something like this to me. They won't. I have my own. So does everybody. I DON'T CARE about them. I want all of her, flaws and all. Damn it. But I don't want to push her away.

 

I know I can't be alone in feeling like this. Others had to of gone through something similar. Don't know what else to ask here. I keep asking her to spend some time with me, though not EVERY day or anything of course. I'm persistent but not stalkery. Ha, if I were, I'd imagine she'd be a lot more silent with me. But she's not. We talk about so many things. We're so alike. No doubt she's become one of my best friends. Gods know I damn sure don't have many of them.

 

*sigh* I'll just continue on my path, waiting for the next time we're alone. Getting the kiss is the next big step. After that, maybe a few more dates. Then I MUST tell her I love her SOON after that. I can't keep it bottled up forever.